Ghosts That We Knew
by IfIBelieveYou
Summary: Canon 6x22. Callie and Arizona are broken up, both wondering how to move on with their lives. But what happens when someone comes back into Arizona's life, leaving her needing Callie more than ever, even though she knows it's not the best thing for them.
1. Olive Branch Pt 1

**DAY 1**

Arizona watched as Joe set the large glass of white wine down on the bar in front of her.

She lifted the glass and took a hefty mouthful, feeling it run down her throat and her body let go of the tension it was holding tightly in her muscles. She set her glass down and dropped her elbows down onto the bar, ignoring the fact that she felt the elbow of her shirt stick to it, before dropping her head into her hands. Her fingers rubbed at her eyes over and over in an attempt to get rid of the burning that was behind them, the fatigue of the jetlag now fully setting in and making her body feel like deadweight. As she took another mouthful of the wine, noticing the contents had dropped down by a significant amount already, she signalled to Joe for another and ignored the voice in her head that told her she should just go home.

She tugged her phone out of her pocket when it vibrated with a message, her fingers fumbling to slide the phone on before she scanned her eyes over the message from Teddy and picked out the key parts. _Called into the OR. Can't make drinks. Tomorrow night_. Arizona sighed softly as she dropped the phone onto the bar. She sat for a few more minutes fiddling with peanut shells in one hand and drinking her wine with the other, running her finger around the rim of the glass as she zoned out. Her mind wandered to mindless things. She thought about the amount of work she had missed while she had been away. She thought about whether she had any food in her apartment to make for breakfast in the morning, or whether she would just stop by the coffee cart and grab something. And then finally, she thought of _her_. Her face popped into her head first, then her voice, and lastly her laugh. They all came in waves and with each one she knocked more sips of wine into her hoping it would wash the waves away. She didn't want to think about her, not anymore. She had spent the past couple of weeks working on ways for this not to happen, for her face not to invade her thoughts like a welcomed infection.

Arizona's thoughts snapped away from the woman's voice and laugh when a bang in front of her shook her from her head, her eyes looking forward to see a tequila shot being set down on the bar. Arizona looked to her right when she heard the screeching of the bar stool next to her being pulled back, looking at a brunette who was beaming a wide-set smile that filled her whole face. Arizona knew the face. It only took her a second for her mind to flash back to first seeing the brunette's smile in this bar over a year ago. Their conversation had been mumbled over the sound of the busy bar, a short and sweet few minutes that led to a date three nights later and then several more over the space of a couple of weeks. Arizona swallowed thickly when she realised it all felt like a lifetime ago, her eyes flickering over the woman's face to see nothing had changed apart from the length of her hair.

"I have been stood over there for about twenty minutes watching you wallow in whatever self-pity you've got going on here before I finally decided that what you really need is a proper drink."

Arizona looked over to the corner of the bar to where the woman had nodded her head to see a small group of woman all pretend they hadn't been staring when they made uncomfortable eye contact. Arizona looked back to the woman next to her, her beaming grin still there and a tequila shot in her hand waiting for Arizona to lift hers.

"Julie. It's been a while. How have you been?"

Arizona watched as the woman caught Joe's attention and slid her empty drinks glass towards him, the grin never leaving her face as she asked for another. Arizona just watched her. Julie oozed something that wasn't confidence, but more so cockiness. At the time, Arizona had thought she liked authoritative women. Women who commanded respect just like she did, and women who had respect for themselves. She had thought the woman in front of her was that woman. But as she sat here and looked at this woman from her past, her eyes glancing over everything, she realised that she never truly understood what that was in a woman until she met _her_.

"I've been good," Julie spoke after a second, setting the tequila shot in her hand down on the bar when she realised Arizona hadn't reciprocated her idea, "I got a new job, it's in Chicago. I'm just back visiting friends for a few days. But I guess you would have known all of this if you hadn't broken up with me."

"Julie," Arizona spoke softly, watching as the other woman smirked at her she lifted Arizona's wine from in front of her and began to take sips from it, her eye contact never once breaking as she looked over the rim of the glass, "I'm sorry about all of that, I just… I'm sorry if I upset you, but-"

"Relax, Arizona, I'm joking. I'm not that bitter about us breaking up that I'm still sat here pissed after all this time. We weren't exactly a proper thing if we're being honest, so I don't really know if you could say we technically broke up. Besides, I figured it had something to do with Peace Corps girl."

"Who?" Arizona asked as she watched Julie set her wine back down when Joe arrived with a refill of her drink. Arizona chewed on her lip as she watched Julie scoop the cherry out of the drink and pop it into her mouth, once again letting her eyes burn into Arizona the whole time. It made her shift uncomfortably in her seat and she turned to look away, her eyes falling on Joe who was looking at her with a sad smile. It confused her for a second before she remembered that this was the first time in a long time she had been sat at this bar with someone else who wasn't her usual brunette.

"You know, the one who walked over when we were on out fifth date or something. Enjoyed cooking. Made a chicken piccata and was married. Was in the Peace Corps. Where was it again, Zimbabwe?"

"Botswana." Arizona spoke after a second, her voice coming out slightly weaker from the way her throat had gone dry at the change in conversation. Arizona turned to grab her bag that was hanging on the back of her stool, fishing her purse out of it as Julie chuckled lightly next to her.

"So it was Peace Corps girl then, she's the reason I caught you sneaking out of my apartment one morning hoping you would never have to actually have a conversation with me about ending it."

"I wasn't sneaking out, I was going to wake you…" Arizona laughed as she dropped money down onto the bar before turning back to Julie, noting the curious look that was spreading across her face. Arizona watched as Julie turned in the chair, her knees bumping into Arizona's thigh when she moved forward slightly. Arizona glanced at her and wanted to groan when she noticed how close the woman now was, her perfume wafting over every time she flicked her hair in a way that was already annoying despite the short period of time she had been sat with her.

"You're avoiding the topic. Why don't you want to speak about her? Did the renowned Arizona Robbins finally have her heart broken after breaking so many of Seattle's finest?"

"I have to go, I'm in work early tomorrow. It was nice seeing you again, Julie. Good luck with everything in Chicago."

"I leave tomorrow," the woman spoke as she grabbed Arizona's wrist when she stood up, her fingers wrapping around the wrist. Arizona eyes flickered down to where the hand was around her skin, before looking back up to Julie, "I'm only here for one more night. And then I leave. I also happen to be in a very fancy hotel that's only ten minutes from here. You look sad, Arizona. Come and spend the night with me, come and enjoy yourself."

Arizona eyes flickered between the woman's eyes, looking at her as she lifted her drink with her free hand and drained the rest of it. Arizona could feel her ring against her wrist, it felt cold against her skin. She could feel her fingers scratching against her skin in a way that she imagined Julie meant to be intriguing, but all it was doing was irritating Arizona's skin. A small tug of her wrist and she felt the fingers unwrap, Arizona thankful and trying to ignore the way her skin felt like it was burning. Her heart was thumping in her chest as she looked at the woman, and all her mind could do was scream at her. _She's not her. She's not her. She's not her_. Arizona forced a smile onto her face as she looked at Julie who nodded, an acceptance finally washing across the woman's face.

"So Peace Corps girl did break your heart…"

"Good night, Julie."

/

 **DAY 2**

"Hey, you're back, how was Fiji? Sorry about last night, a head-on collision was brought in late and the ER was manic for a while."

Arizona struggled to close the door for a second, the stack of charts in her arms slipping until she tightened her grip on them. She spun around, kicking the door closed with her foot before slouching over to the table and dropping the stack with a loud thud. Her eyes glanced across the table to see four different outfits laid out, Teddy stood with her hands on her hips as she stared down at them. Arizona looked for a second more before pulling her white coat off and flopping down into one of the chairs.

"It was nice. Warm. Peaceful. Unlike here which has clearly been rained on by every sick tiny human in Seattle whilst I've been gone."

"Isn't peaceful just another work for boring?"

Arizona just offered a huff of air as a response, watching as Teddy stood and eyed down the outfits on the table before scooping two of the shirts up, one in either hand. Arizona nodded her head towards the white shirt in Teddy's right hand before snatching the first chart from the top of the pile, flipping it open and beginning the mammoth task of catching up all of the work she had missed. She prided herself on knowing her Peds ward. She knew where every kid needed to be, when they needed to be there, and what they needed to be doing. She also learned the little things, like which kid needed a pudding after being examined, or which kid would cry about monsters if the bathroom door was left open in their room at night. She knew everything, until now. A month had passed leaving her walking her Peds ward that morning not recognising every patient and not being able to answer every parent's questions.

"Well aren't you a barrel of sunshine this morning, hating being back already? That ugly tree thing is for you by the way, the fancy little card has your name on it."

Arizona threw a smirk at Teddy as she forced her legs back up, ignoring the way they felt heavy and achy as she walked. She had lay in bed for hours before finally falling asleep, her body never being able to get comfortable in a bed that didn't really feel like hers. Her alarm this morning had pierced through her tired head like a screw driver and an unwelcome guest in her apartment.

Arizona stopped at the counter when she reached the plant, looking at the small tree that sat in a stone pot. She scooped it up under her arm and walked back to her chair, dropping the plant next to the charts and reading through the note quickly, a small sigh leaving her before she dropped the note onto the table and continued with the chart. She could see Teddy staring at the note from the corner of her eyes, attempting to manoeuvre her head so she could read the writing upside down before eventually just snatching the note up and reading it. Arizona continued reading from the charts until she heard Teddy's voice crack through the silence.

"What the… _Dr Robbins, please accept this miniature olive tree as a symbol of our apology. We hope you'll accept our olive branch and be in contact, Hopkins._ " Teddy turned the card over and scanned the decoration on the back before re-reading it under her breath, a line forming deep into the skin between her eyes as she frowned at Arizona, " _Hopkins_ as in Johns Hopkins? As in the insanely good, freakishly competitive, number one teaching hospital in the country?"

"Uhm, yes." Arizona laughed as she watched the woman in front of shoot her eyebrows up and drop the note down onto the table. Teddy's face was the picture of shock for a few seconds more before Arizona watched her eyes squint and her eyebrow arch in a curious way.

"Why is Hopkins writing to you? What do they want? They sent you a hideous plant. And _why_ are they apologising to you?"

"I did my residency there, that's all," Arizona laughed as she pushed herself back up again and walked around the table, Teddy's eyes following her the whole way as she grabbed a mug and began to fill it with coffee. Arizona just laughed when she turned around to see Teddy staring at her, jotting her head forward to let Arizona know her answer hadn't been enough. "When I was looking for hospitals to complete my fellowship at they were late to make an offer, something to do with a communication error in the end. By the time they finally got the offer through to me I had accepted the fellowship here. I always wanted to come here anyway but they thought they had pissed me off so they send me a grovelling present every year because I'm so insanely awesome at my job. Usually its food, hence why a plant this year is somewhat disappointing."

"Oh my God, they're trying to poach you. You're being poached. They're buying your affection with ugly olive trees and trying to steal you. Does the Chief know about this?"

"They're grovelling for something they don't need to grovel about. I wanted to come to Seattle anyway so it doesn't matter."

"Are you considering the job? Because you don't get to do that, okay? You don't get to run away to the other side of the country just because you're sad. You made me be your friend so now you have to stick around. Tell Hopkins they can shove their ugly olive trees up their ass, okay?"

"You're so good with words, poetic almost," Arizona laughed as she pushed off the counter and resumed her seat, taking a gulp of the coffee and enjoying the way it washed down her throat.

"Seriously, Arizona, are you considering it? Because I'm not above snitching on your blonde ass to the Chief to let him know you're being poached." Teddy spoke as she pulled her scrub pants off and grabbed a pair from the table, pulling them up her legs and returning to pull the zip up a second later when Arizona pointed to it with her pen.

"Of course I'm not, Teddy. Relax, okay? They've sent me something every single year since I left, it's not a real job offer. If they wanted me back they would contact me properly instead of writing for me to contact them. Besides, I like my job here."

"I know but things have sort of changed. I mean, you've always said you liked your job here when it was going alongside you liking your life here, and not to be the one to mention the Callie shaped elephant in the room, but your life has sort of gone downhill in the last month or so. I just don't want you to think that maybe it would be better if you went to Hopkins because of you and-"

"Teddy, seriously, I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay, fine. That's good." Teddy resolved after a minute of staring at Arizona. She pulled a chair out and sat across from Arizona with a calmer smile now spreading across her face. "So hit me with the hard stud. Did Fiji work? Because the last time I saw you, you were having what can only be described as a serious cry in a supply room after kissing Callie in an elevator. How sad are you, on a scale of 1 to me needing to show up to your apartment every night for the next week with a few bottles of wine?"

Arizona's mouth felt dry at the blatant mention of the woman, just like it had felt last night. She had gone for a whole month without saying and hearing her name, despite always thinking it. She hadn't heard it leave someone's lips in so long and now Teddy was saying it in such a casual way that she hadn't been prepared for the way it felt like someone had popped her lung and let all of the air out. She felt like a lump had formed in her throat and was stopping her from swallowing, or breathing. Arizona took a second before forcing a mouthful of coffee down, ignoring the way it felt painful and forcing a smile onto her face.

"I'm fine." Arizona spoke, a laugh coming out afterwards that was meant to sound more natural than it did. It caused Teddy to tilt her head to one side and stare at her until Arizona swallowed thickly again and searched for words that would help, coming out with something that, if anything, made it seem more forced, "honestly, I'm fine. I've been back for two days and I feel great. I'm on day two of my new happy, care-free living regime."

"Really, we're going to play this game? Cut the shit, Arizona."

"Fine. I mean, am I upset? Of course I am, I loved Callie," her name felt strange coming from her lips, but at the same time it felt like a wave of relief to finally speak the name that was constantly in her thoughts, "but I'm fine- I'll be fine. How is- uhm, how is she? Have you spoken to her much?"

"She's- well… Is this really going to help? Talking about her?" Teddy sighed as she stood back up and lifted the outfits that were on the table, shoving them into a bag in a way that only someone who had lived in the desert could.

"I'm only asking if she's okay, that's all." Arizona spoke, hoping her voice was going to come out much stronger than it did. She peaked up after a second to see a sympathetic smile on Teddy's face and it made her stomach churn.

"I don't really know how she is, I'll be honest. She looked like a lost puppy for the first week you were gone. I think she wanted to ask me where you were every time she looked at me, but she didn't. She's spends a lot of time in her cartilage lab and by a lot I mean pretty much every minute. Oh, I caught her crying into her cereal once but that was a couple of weeks ago now. Mark's been good. He takes food up and eats with her in the lab, even managed to convince her to come out for drinks with everyone at Joe's a few times."

"That's good. That's great. It's good that she's doing okay. Good. I'm happy. I'm happy for her." Arizona spoke as she took another gulp of coffee, her finger tracing around the rim of the mug as she tried to ignore the overwhelming sensation in the back of her eyes to cry. She didn't need to cry right now, and more importantly she didn't want to. She carried on swallowing thickly, her heart beating on her chest in a way that made her pulse race through her ears. She could feel Teddy's eyes on her for the next few minutes as she read through chart after chart.

"Okay, I need to go. How do I look?" Teddy asked as she pulled a jacket on over the white shirt, twirling quickly and looking back to Arizona for an answer.

"Where are you going?" Arizona had been expecting her to say she was going to a meeting, or even a badly dressed lunch date. But the awkward laugh that slipped from Teddy's lips made Arizona set the next chart down and put all of her attention back on Teddy,

"Oh, uhm… I'm going to get married."

"You're what?" Arizona snapped, her head jerking forward and her eyes widening in a way that she was sure wasn't natural. If Teddy had said it any other way Arizona would have laughed and told Teddy to shut up, but Teddy hadn't said it any other way.

"I'll be back in like an hour, two tops, if Derek starts to get pissy about where I am." Teddy spoke as she lifted her bag and pulled out a file that was filled with paperwork. Arizona struggled to get her mouth to work as fast as her thoughts, her jaw fumbling over words.

"What do you mean you're getting married, how could you be getting married? I've been gone for a month, how could you be getting _married_ to someone? Oh sweet Jesus, please tell me it isn't Mark."

"It's not Mark." Teddy grumbled defensively.

"Then who? Is this a shotgun wedding? Are you pregnant?"

"No, it's nothing like that. He's a patient actually. His name is Henry. He used to be a professional baseball player, how cool is that?" Teddy asked with a grinning smile that was so clearly forced onto her face, letting it drop when she realised Arizona wasn't going to smile back. "Anyway, he doesn't have medical insurance and I do, so I'm marrying him. It's really not a big deal, but I finally have a free hour in the day so I'm off to get married. Want to go for drinks tonight to make up for last night?"

"Isn't this insurance fraud?" Arizona blurted out after a second, her voice an octave higher than it should be and her eyes watching as Teddy stopped flicking through the folder and groaned.

"Why doesn't everyone get hung up on that part?"

"Trust me, there are _many_ parts of this I could be getting hung up on, Teddy. That was just the first one that came out of my mouth. This is illegal, you could go to prison. You won't survive in prison, you're too tall and too skinny."

"It's not illegal, Little Grey said so. She also said that she thinks this is awesome, so why can't you?"

"Awesome? Teddy, I'm the queen of awesome, okay? I throw that word about like there's no tomorrow, so I know it pretty well, and this? This isn't awesome. I mean, your intentions are awesome but actually going through with it… Have you gone crazy? Is this some life crisis that I should be worried about?"

"No. Maybe. I don't know, but I'm doing it. Why can't I marry someone to save them? And you can't talk about life crisis, you ran away to Fiji for a month to cure your broken heart with sandy beaches and sangria and now that you've decided to re-join the real world you're counting your new carefree days which is basically code for your days without Callie. If you can do that, I can marry Henry damn Burton, _Arizona_."

"I did not run away to Fiji, I simply made use of the allocated vacation time. Besides, my vacation ended after a month. Last time I checked, marriage was until death parts you both, it's in the damn vows, _Theodora_."

"Do not _Theodora_ me, okay? This is just a business agreement anyway, it's not for life. We'll get a divorce once he doesn't need the insurance anymore. Listen, I'd _love_ to stand here and argue with you all day but I need to go and get married, so let's go for drinks tonight and I can tell you all about my wedding you're not invited to."

"Fine, happy wedding day, I guess. May your marriage be short and cheerful."

"Thank you. And I'm not having a life crisis." Teddy defended as she swung the door open, her eyes narrowing at Arizona as she attempted to offer what was meant to be a glare.

"And I didn't run away to Fiji, I took a vacation."

"Agree to disagree on both?"

"Deal."

/

 **DAY 4**

Arizona tugged her scrub cap from her head as she stopped at the nurse's desk, setting down the chart that was in her hand and smiling at the woman who collected it. She placed her arms on the surface before dropping her head down into them, letting her eyes fall closed and practically whimpering at the sensation. She was beyond exhaustion. Three days had blurred past, filled with chart reading, surgery, quizzing Teddy on her husband that she refused to call her husband, and more surgery. Arizona had lived in the OR for three whole days and hadn't been home yet, having spent the days running off of twenty minute naps in on-call rooms. She stood for a minute longer with her eyes closed before deciding she was going home, wanting nothing more than to curl up in the bed that she didn't like. Her eyes stung with the bright light when she opened them, her arms pushing her heavy body up and turning to walk away before stopping with a groan when her name was spoken over her shoulder.

"Dr Robbins, there's another chart that wasn't in the pile I updated you with. The patient is in room 208."

Arizona practically stomped back like a small child, snatching the chart and tucking it under her arm as she walked towards the room. She waved an intern over and ignored the smile that dropped from their face when all she asked for was a coffee. She didn't care whether she reminded herself of Mark Sloan, she had never felt happiness like when the intern returned a few minutes later with the coffee.

It wasn't until Arizona reached the bottom of the second page in the chart that she noticed the different handwriting from all of the others, a hand writing she recognised. Her eyes quickly scanned what it said before she looked up and through the window into the room in front, her stomach plummeting at the sight of Callie. She was sat in the chair next to the patient's bed, looking through something that young girl was handing to her with a wide smile on her face. Arizona stood and just watched her for a second. She admired the way Callie acted around patients on Peds. Kids liked to talk, they liked to tell stories. Every time someone walked onto Arizona's ward she reminded them that kids had hope, they had belief, and they were different from every other patient in the hospital because of their unblemished optimism in the world. And for years Arizona watched residents rock up to the rooms and throw medical jargon at not only scared parents, but at little kids who didn't even know why they needed to be in a hospital.

But Callie was different. She didn't have to pretend to listen to their stories, she actually listened to them. She would pop back into their rooms when she had a spare minutes to see how they were doing and to hear another story. She used to say it was because she wanted to see Arizona, but after she spent the first three times speaking to the kids instead of Arizona and only offering a quick pat on the ass as she walked out, Arizona saw right through her.

Arizona swallowed thickly as she lifted the chart and walked towards the door, watching as Callie had now gotten up and walked around to the bed so her back was towards the door, her hands checking the cast that was wrapped around the girl's left arm.

"What's her name again?" The young girl in bed asked as she looked to Callie who was perched in a small stool so she could look at the girl's arm better. Arizona stepped back for a minute, telling herself she was letting Callie finish but really she knew she just needed another minute before she was in the same room as Callie. She hadn't seen her around the hospital since she had gotten back and Arizona didn't know whether that had made things better or worse. All she knew was it had created a volcano of nerves, bubbling away in the pit of her stomach and ready erupt at any second.

"Her name is Dr Robbins, but if you ask her nicely she might let you call her by her first name."

"What's her first name?"

"Arizona." Callie spoke softly, Arizona trying to focus on anything other than Callie's voice and the way her name sounded on her lips again. She needed to distract herself. She looked around the ward, stared at her hands, fiddled with stethoscope.

"Like the place?" The young girl asked. A small laugh left Callie and yet it still managed to fill the room.

"Yeah, like the place, but she's not named after the place. You'll love her, she's great."

"Why can't you just be my doctor for the whole time?" Arizona heard Callie chuckle and she swore her legs went weak, her arms gripping the chart closer to her chest as she forced a smile onto her face for a group of interns that were scrambling past.

"Because I fixed your arm, but that's all I can fix. I'm a bone doctor, but Doctor Robbins is a doctor that looks after kids. Listen, I'll come and check up on your arm and see how you're doing, but once you meet Dr Robbins you're not going to care about me. She's the best, okay? If I was in your position I would definitely want her to be my doctor."

"What's so good about her?"

"Uhm, well I can't confirm this, but word on the Peds block is that she's best at reading stories. She does all the voices and everything. She also has this smile that's going to make you feel so much better, straight away. It'll make you smile, even if you don't want to. Uhm, she also wears-"

"How come I'm only just meeting her? Why did I get that old man for so long?" The young girl interrupted, Callie laughing once more.

"First of all, Doctor Fletcher is only, like, forty-one. Although I'd like to make it clear I'm not that old, I also hope when I am that people won't call me an old woman. Second of all, Dr Robbins was away on vacation but now she's back, so she can help you."

"Where did she go?"

"What?" Callie asked, pushing back in the stool and standing up. Arizona watched as she wiped her hands on her white coat, fumbling with the sleeve to roll of back up over her elbow. She had always loved the way Callie wore her coat like that.

"Where she go on vacation?"

"Oh uhm, I don't actually know. You'll have to ask her. She'll probably tell you all about it when she takes you for your- _Arizona_." Callie had turned on her heel and was most likely heading for the chart at the end of the bed when she noticed Arizona stood at the doorway, her feet stopping. Arizona's mouth bobbed up and down for a second, the coolness and calmness she had told herself she would have basically dissolving and instead leaving her as an embarrassing puddle of nerves. She looked at Callie for a second, noticing she looked a little tired before forcing her body to keep moving further into the room.

"Looking for this?" She joked as she held the chart up in her hand, watching Callie strain a smile onto her face before taking the chart and moving to the table at the end of the bed, her hands patting at her pockets before Arizona pulled a pen out and set it down on the table next to the chart.

"Are you Dr Robbins?" The young girl asked from the bed, her voice soft and sweet and thankful distraction from the looks that were being passed between Arizona and Callie. Arizona glanced at Callie one last time, trying to ignore the way her jaw was set in a hard cold line, before looking to the young girl.

"I am indeed. And you are?" Arizona asked as she stepped around to the edge of the bed, pulling stethoscope from around her neck and smiling at the young girl who was grinning back at her, completely and mindlessly unaware of the tension she was sitting in right now.

"My name is Alex Anderson. I'm five and a half years old and I presented with stage four Sarcoma that has spread through my stomach and into my lymph nodes. I've had three surgeries to remove the tumours but I don't think they worked very well. Oh, and I also hurt my arm the other day when I was running down the corridors here, so Dr Torres says I'm not allowed to run inside again."

"Wow, you're as good as some of my residents. And Dr Torres has a good point there, let's leave the outside things for when we're outside, right Dr Torres?"

Arizona turned to Callie watching as she lifted her head from the chart and forced a smile onto her face before looking back down. Arizona frowned at her for a second before turning back to the young girl who was snatching up from the side of her bed whatever she had been showing Callie a few minutes ago, which turned out to be pictures of her cat _Batman_. Arizona took the pictures from her and began to look through them as Alex began to tell stories of how her cat always stole socks. Arizona's eyes flickered over to Callie every few seconds, watching as she finished writing in the chart and flipped it closed. As Callie looked up Arizona contemplated looking away but as soon as her eyes met with Callie's she was stuck looking at her. She definitely looked tired. She had dark circles under her eyes the same way Arizona did, but Arizona knew hers had only been there for three days, making her wonder how long Callie's had been there.

Callie finally broke the stare that had set in between them by speaking the words tumbling out of her mouth quickly. She filled Arizona in on Alex's arm in the most professional and sharp way, a tone that Arizona had never ever been on the receiving end of and had only observed. _It hurt_. And when Callie said goodbye to Alex, promising to come and check on her the next day, all Arizona could do was stand aside and watch as Callie walked out of the room and past the window without so much as a second glance. Arizona didn't even know she had been staring until she felt the sleeve of her coat being tugged on, turning around to Alex, who looked so small in her bed, beaming up at her with a wide smile.

"So where did you go on vacation?"

/

 **DAY 14**

Arizona was surprised how easy is seemed to be for her and Callie to never in the same room together long enough for her to strike up the courage to speak to her.

When she had been in Fiji she had sat on the beach and wondered how they were ever going to be friends, the idea echoing in her over and over ever since she walked out of Callie's apartment. Arizona knew it's what people said. _We'll be friends. We'll still speak to each other. We'll see each other at work._ But she also knew the reality of it and the reality was making her stomach churn with each passing day that no words were exchanged between her and Callie. She didn't deny that she knew it would probably hurt more to have Callie be her friend than it would to simply continue the silent act they had settled into in the past two weeks, but she needed her. She couldn't close her eyes and ever picture a life in which Callie wasn't present in it. She had sat with many sangrias and planned conversations that they could have, simple topics they could mull over in the OR together. _The weather. How busy work had been. Plans for the weekend_. She told herself that one day she would stand across from Callie and discuss the rain that was falling outside and it wouldn't feel forced, it wouldn't feel like she was talking simply because someone needed to speak; it would feel natural. Because they would be _friends_.

But the more days that passed by, the more Arizona realised that Callie wasn't on the same wave length. The other woman had ignored the optimism and fully accepted the reality of what had been said. Arizona would sit down at lunch with Teddy, Mark and Owen only to watch Callie scoop her apple up and vacate her seat within minutes, leaving Arizona to deal with the awkward and uncomfortable glances between her friends. She would walk into an OR gallery and see Callie in the corner of her eye sneaking out of the other door, forcing her eyes to remain on the window in front instead of longingly watching the brunette scurry down the corridors. The only period of length they had spent with each other was in the OR repairing a ten year old's mangled leg and somehow, even though it had been the most time she spent with Callie, it hurt more than when she would leave the lunch table. Callie had stood and spoken to Karev, both laughing about sports that Arizona had no idea about and chuckling over the story of the kid falling off the roof. Callie told Karev a story about how she fell off the roof once hiding from her parents, a story Arizona had already heard before when she had kissed the scar on Callie's elbow and asked how it had gotten there. Arizona thought it had been the memory that had hurt her, but it wasn't. It was the way Callie looked at her. In that moment, in that OR, she was invisible to one woman who was everything she ever saw. Callie was looking straight through her, as though their hands weren't both working on the same young boy in front of them.

Afterwards Arizona stood in the scrub room looking at the door that was shutting closed after Callie had walked straight out, not a single word spoken between them since they had walked out of the OR. She told herself she could handle this. She should handle the cold shoulder a little bit longer if it's what Callie wanted. But she also spend every single day wondering how long it was going to be before Callie spoke to her again, or made eye contact with her, or simple acknowledged she existed. Because deep down she knew she couldn't handle it. It was _killing_ her.

/

 **DAY 21**

Arizona was tiredly strolling through the PICU as she tugged her scrub cap from her head, her fingers tugging at her hair until it was falling down around her shoulder, her operating gown still around her and kicking around her ankles as she walked. She stopped when she reached the room she was looking for her, her feet stilling at the door as she glanced in the to see Callie curled up in the chair next to her bed, a large book balancing on her knees. Her eyes were looking at the book but Arizona could tell she wasn't reading it, her hand scrunched up in her hair as she held her head up.

Arizona stood for a second, her fingers fidgeting at her sides. She needed to go in. She needed to check on Alex who she had operated on early that morning, she needed to update her chart and check her vitals. But all she could think about was the glares that Callie had been shooting her way for a few days, and that was enough for her to suddenly get so nervous that she didn't even want to enter the room. Arizona stood for another second, glancing around the rest of the PICU that was quiet at night, before finally walking into the room and heading to the other side of the bed across from Callie.

Arizona lifted the chart from the end of the bed and could see Callie was now looking up at her. She tried to focus on what she was doing, grabbing a pen from her pocket and looking up at the numbers on the screen before jotting them down into the chart. She read through the pain meds that had been administered throughout the day before flipping the chart closed. Her eyes raised to look at the girl in the bed but fell upon Callie as though a magnet had dragged them towards her, the other woman now staring back at the back at the book as her fingers flicked through the pages. Arizona didn't know how long she stood looking at her, but it was long enough for Callie to look back up, their eyes meeting. It felt like a shock down Arizona's spine to have Callie looking at her. Really, properly, looking at her.

"What?" Callie asked after a second, her voice low and monotonous. Arizona tried to force the frown that was fighting its way onto her forehead away, instead her nose scrunching up. Callie just looked at her for a second more before turning back to the book, Arizona's eyes glancing to the book as well and reading the cover.

"So you're still going strong with your cartilage research, that's good. Any major Harper Avery sized steps yet?" Arizona asked, her voice coming out light and bouncy. _This was good_ , Arizona thought to herself. This was calm, relaxed and super friendly. This was what she aimed for. This was what she had wanted for weeks. Arizona watched Callie ignore her for what felt like minutes, but in reality was it probably only one. She chewed on her lip to fight the sinking feeling in her stomach, her eyes searching the woman in a hope she would see the one she's in love with, "Alex is doing well. It's nice that you still come and see her, she likes you. She was telling me the other day how you and her-"

"Arizona, what are you doing? What do you want?" Callie snapped, dropping the pen that was in her mouth into the book and snapping it closed. Arizona swallowed thickly as she fumbled over words, her eyes scanning Callie's tired face.

"I thought we were going to be friends." Arizona finally blurted out, a sigh following it as though she hadn't been breathing. Callie just frowned at Arizona. A deep, furrowed and very clear frown. It made Arizona squirm on the spot and the longer they stayed in the silence the harder she felt her heart beating in her chest.

"You want to talk about this now? In the middle of the night after we've both been working insanely long shifts and we're both exhausted. And you want to talk about this now?"

"Well, we're not speaking about it at any other times, so yeah. I want to talk about this now."

"Okay. I tried being friends, rising above… I tried that and now I'm over it-"

"When did you try being friends, you haven't spoken to me." Arizona mumbled, but clearly not loud enough because Callie kept talking in a hushed tone like she didn't hear a thing.

"I'm going to go with the more traditional route, of totally hating your guts." Callie snapped, tucking the book under her arm as she pushed herself up from the chair. Arizona stood frozen to the spot, her brow furrowing and her mouth fumbling over words that she didn't even know. Callie threw one last glance down to Alex in the bed before walking towards the sliding doors, looking over her shoulder when Arizona finally managed to get her lips to say something.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

/

 **DAY 30**

"I hate the holidays."

Arizona flashed a lopsided smile at Joe when he appeared in front of them, tequila bottle in hand, and refilled the two empty shot glasses. Arizona didn't know how many times he had done that, all she knew was her hand was reaching for the glass yet again and she was shoving the other towards Teddy who was sat grumbling under her breath. Teddy threw her head back with a groan after making the comment before regretting it when she nearly tumbled off the stool, gripping onto Arizona before giggling to herself about how drunk she was. They both were. Ridiculously and overwhelmingly _drunk_.

"I hate Callie." Arizona commented as she lifted the shot and knocked it back, feeling the liquid slide down her throat with less protest that the first ones had given. She scooped her wine up a second later and took a large mouthful, washing it around her mouth before swallowing. From the corner of her eyes she watched Teddy knock back her own shot before she started to giggle.

"Is she still not speaking to you?" Teddy asked as she sipped from her gin and tonic, glancing around the bar that was starting to quieten down after the heavy period. Arizona just shook her head for a second as she spun her wine glass around, shrugging her shoulders weakly.

"She said she was going to hate my guts, Teddy," Arizona mumbled sadly, the tequila mixing with her sadness and creating a deadly cocktail and path that Arizona didn't particularly want to walk down, but she couldn't feel herself doing it anyway.

"She's angry, that's all. See it from her point of view, you kissed her in an elevator and then took off for a month. She was probably confused about the kiss for a while and then without you here it probably made her angry."

"I know, but I just- I needed a break. I needed to be away from her. I felt like I was… It was suffocating seeing her after we broke up. She was everywhere, all the time. And every time I looked at her I wanted to kiss her and then I finally did and I thought it would be amazing and perfect and incredible, and it was, but it was also horrible and painful because she was everywhere but I couldn't have her. And now that I come back she's nowhere. I _never_ see her. And when I do all I can think of is her hating my stupid guts. And it makes me angry. So now I hate the holidays too."

"I want someone to love me the way you love her." Teddy spoke, her voice oozing a sadness that made Arizona look away from her wine and to the woman next to her. Arizona's mouth dropped slightly when she took in the image of Teddy's eyes filling with tears, her bottom lips blubbering out like a small child as she still managed to lift her gin and tonic, finishing the last of it and waving her hand about to signal Joe for a refill once again.

"Teddy…"

"Henry invited me around to his friend's house for Thanksgiving, you know? He rang me yesterday and casually slipped it into conversation and for a second I considered it. I thought it would be nice to spend today around a group of people, eating a proper meal and having nice conversation. Then I remembered that he's not my boyfriend, he's just my husband of one month."

"So are you sad that you don't have a boyfriend, that Henry isn't your boyfriend, or that you're here getting drunk with me and not with Henry and his friends?"

"I don't even know. I'm just sad and this stupid day makes me even sadder." Teddy huffed as lifted the tequila glass that was filled once more, looking to Arizona for mutual support. Arizona glanced at the small glass and scrunched her face up in disgust, wondering whether her lunch was going to remain in her stomach after the shot. She looked at Teddy's sad eyes once more before lifting the shot and swallowing the drink, waiting for a second before just nodding.

"Yeah, that's not staying down."

"Happy Thanksgiving."

/

 **DAY 31**

Arizona stood staring in the mirror in front of her. She glanced at the dark circles that were under her eyes, sleep having become an issue after she forced down four more shots in solidarity to Teddy only to bring them back up an hour later when they managed to stumble into Arizona's apartment. She had spent the night curled around the toilet, refusing to move when the cold surface of her bathroom floor was the only thing that would stop her stomach from churning the ocean of tequila that swayed about it in. She had woken to find Teddy hanging off her couch, grunts coming from her mouth and groans echoing through the apartment every time the woman moved any part of her body. They had both chugged down three mugs of coffee before they even left the apartment, before heading into the ER and administering the other with a banana bag to cure the hangover that was plaguing them.

Arizona glanced down at her phone when it vibrated, reading the message that her labs had come back and her blood-alcohol level was fine. She glanced back into the mirror and scrunched her face up when she took in the sight of her sickly hungover face. The banana bag was finally kicking in and her stomach had stopped churning an hour ago. She flicked the taps on and began to wash her hands, looking up when one of the stall doors opened behind her after a flush and Callie appeared. Arizona wanted to groan out loud. She wanted to look to sky and shout, but instead she looked back down to her hands and focused on the soap she was running over her hands. Callie's voice broke through the silence a second later, startling Arizona and making her jump.

"What happened?" Arizona looked up to Callie in confusion, waiting for a second before Calling nodded her head to the banana bag that was inserted into Arizona's arm and hanging next to her.

"Oh, uhm, tequila. Last night. It was just to help with the hangover but it's mostly passed now. Me and Teddy went to Joe's and…"

Arizona trailed off when she noticed Callie was no longer listening to her. Her interest dissolving when she realised the blonde wasn't in any serious harm. Arizona clenched her jaw as she watched Callie dry her hands quickly, binning the paper towel before turning and heading for the door. Arizona clenched her jaw harder to fight the words that were bubbling up her throat like sick, but it wasn't enough.

"I don't deserve this, okay?" Arizona snapped, watching as Callie stopped walking and turned around to her. Arizona felt her mouth dry up in a way that she knew wouldn't have been possible if it wasn't for the banana bag.

"What?"

"I have treated you with nothing but respect, and love and-"

"No, see, that's the thing. You think you have, but you haven't." Callie snapped, an anger coming from her voice that Arizona hadn't expected. Arizona turned to face the other woman, watching as Callie shoved her hand into her pockets after having waved her arms about for a second of anger. Arizona sighed deeply as she licked her lips, shrugging her shoulders after a second.

"I'm sure that it feels great to act like I'm the bad guy, but that's the biggest load of you know what that I've ever head." Arizona snapped as she grabbed some paper towels began to dry her hands. The entire bathroom was between them but Arizona was pretty sure that the anger which was now emanating from both of them needed that space. Arizona watched as Callie lifted her hand to her face, rubbing her eyes as a small laugh came out of mouth. The blonde clenched her jaw as she listened to the laugh, trying to ignore the snide sound. When Callie stopped rubbing her eyes she looked straight ahead, her eyes something that Arizona had never seen. It made her legs feel weak.

"I have spent the last month trying to convince myself that I don't need kids to be happy, really trying. Giving lectures to myself, saying it out loud to you and to Mark, and turning myself inside out to want what you wanted. And then I stopped for a second and I thought, did you ever imagine what it would be like to change for me? Because I don't think you did. What you did was you dismissed my dream. _My dream_. Which says to me that you don't give a rat's ass if I'm happy. I never understood squat about who you are. And now I do… and I don't like it."

Arizona felt like the wind had been knocked out of her _. By a train_. A really big, really fast train had ran straight into her lungs and was stopping her from breathing. She felt her eyes beginning to burn from the tears she was fighting back, her hands needing to do something to distract herself and beginning to fumble with her IV to remove it. She didn't want to cry. She had never cared about crying before, in fact she used to feel safe whenever she cried around Callie, but right now she was using every ounce of strength she had not to cry. Arizona looked back to Callie a second later, her shoulders shrugging weakly.

"Was I supposed to change for you? Why, because we're in love? I mean, you fall in love all the time. Men. Women."

"Really, Arizona, you're-"

Callie's shout was cut off by the sound of a pager beeping from a stall, a flush following it before Teddy walked out with a sheepish look on her face and her banana bag following behind her. She looked in a considerably worse state that Arizona, a sickly white sheen covering her face. Callie glanced between the two women, her frown deepening even further.

"I swear I wasn't deliberately listening. I came in here because it's quiet and then you both came in and there was yelling and stuff, and I just didn't want to pop out in the middle of… You know, _that_."

The three women stood in silence for a second, all of them swapping glances and none of them wanting to break the silence. Arizona wanted the ground to give way and swallow her up. Just as she finished pulling her IV out, stopping the small amount of blood with a paper towel, the bathroom door burst open. Lexie ran in, colliding with Callie for a second and stumbling as she breathed heavy from running.

"Dr Robbins, there's something wrong with Alex Anderson, Dr Karev sent me to find you."

Arizona dropped the bloody paper towel into the bin before turning on her heel and rushing out of the toilets, leaving Teddy, Callie and the conversation behind.

/

Arizona flicked the water on and placed her hands under, snatching a soap from the box on ledge as she watched the bubbles begin to appear on her hands. She peered up through the window to see Lexie pushing Alex's bed out with some nurses, telling them which room in the PICU to take her. Arizona watched for a second before looking back down to her hands. She was so tired she felt like she could cry. She wanted to go home and climb into her and sleep for days. She was thinking about what she was going to eat quickly before she slept when the scrub room door shot open and Callie stormed in.

"When are you going to forgive me for not being a good enough lesbian for you?" Callie snapped as she closed the door behind her. Arizona just looked at her for a second before looking back at her hands. She didn't want to do this right now, she didn't particularly want to do it at all.

"Callie, I really don't want to argue right now. I'm tired, I've just been in a really long surgery and-"

"I'm not arguing with you, I'm asking you a question. When are you going to forgive me for not being a good enough lesbian? When am I going to be up to your magical standards?"

"When you do something to convince me that you're falling in love with me and not with being in love. When you do something to convince me that I'm different than George O'Malley, Erica Hahn, Mark Sloan or the girl at the coffee cart," Arizona snapped, her voice coming out scratched from her hoarse throat after being sick. She sighed weakly as she rinsed the soap from her hands and grabbed a towel, turning to face Callie who had her arms crossed over her chest, "I mean, you have a huge heart, and I love that about you. But I don't trust you. Why would I?"

Arizona dropped the towel from her hand into the waste bin before pushing past Callie, her body touching Callie's for the first time in a very long time. Arizona didn't the feel the sparks she had been expecting to feel when she had spent weeks longing to touch her, instead she felt like she been had burnt as she stormed her way to the attending's lounge. She slammed the door closed behind, leaning against it for a second with her eyes closed, before pushing off it and heading to where her bag sat on the couch. She had only managed to get her scrubs top off and was halfway through pulling on her shirt when the door swung open and Callie appeared like a storm once more.

"You think you don't deserve me ignoring, well I didn't deserve that. I made it clear you were different, Arizona. I showed you by loving you."

" _Loving_ me? You said you never understood anything about me, how could you _love_ me?" Arizona snapped as she tugged at the bottom of the shirt and pulled it down, grabbing her joggers that were on the couch. She glanced at Callie for a second before pulling her scrub pants off, ignoring the burn of Callie's eyes on her as she pulled her joggers on quickly. Arizona perched down on the edge of couch to throw things back into her bag that had fallen out when she grabbed the clothes, looking up to see Callie sighing and running her hands through her hair, her feet beginning to pace a small distance on the other side of the table that was in between them. It wasn't for another minute or so, and lots of pacing for Callie, that she finally spoke, her voice sounding tired but softer than it had been.

"You think joining the army is _awesome_ , Arizona. When George died you wanted to work and didn't even stop for a second to think that maybe everyone else didn't want to. When my father showed up to disinfect you from my life you were perfectly fine with it and you just expected me to be as well. Whenever something happens you bring doughnuts, every damn day. George died and all you did was being me doughnuts. That's why I don't understand you, Arizona. Because I don't understand any of that. I don't understand the way you think. I don't understand how-"

"I brought you doughnuts because I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to talk to you about George because you never let me feel like I could. I didn't know where I stood. You pushed me out. You made me feel like I was this whole new part of your life. And for a period of time that was great, I loved it, until it wasn't so great anymore. You never let me into the other parts of your life so I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to help you. You _always_ did that, Callie. You would kiss me and tell me everything was fine, but then run away to Mark and tell him the truth. You told him everything you should have been telling me. How do you think that makes me feel? How am I supposed to trust you? I brought you doughnuts because it was the only thing I could think of. It was the only way I could be in your life without you screaming at me for not understanding something you would never let me understand."

"Mark is my friend, Arizona. I speak to him the same way you speak to Teddy." Arizona couldn't fight the snort that left her mouth as she lifted her scrubs and threw them into the disposal bin next to her, grabbing her bag and throwing it onto her shoulder. Arizona could see Callie's narrowing eyes looking at her. She let out a deep sigh as she ran her hands through her hair and tugged it out from under the bags strap.

"When you realised that I didn't want kids, who did you speak to?"

"What?" Callie snapped, her face turning angry at her confusion.

"Who was the first person you had a conversation with after I told you I didn't want children?" Arizona asked again, watching as Callie started her pacing again and shrugged her shoulders before answering.

"I don't know, Mark probably."

"Exactly, Mark. I say I don't want kids and you speak to Mark about it, not me. Where is the sense in that? Because the last time I checked he wasn't in this relationship. You don't speak to him the way I speak to Teddy, you speak to him the way I used to speak to _you_ , Calliope."

"So I'm not allowed to have friends? What, are you jealous of Mark now?" Callie asked, her voice snapping in a childish way and angering Arizona, causing her to throw her hands up in the air and raise her voice for the first time, Callie flinching slightly at the sound.

"Of course I'm jealous of him, Callie! I'd have to be insane not to be. He gets all of you. He gets the parts of you that you would never let me have. He's everything to you that I should have been. Of course I'm jealous of him, I'd be jealous of anyone who gets to have you that way."

"Arizona…" Callie spoke, her voice the softest it had been throughout the entire conversation. Arizona bit the inside of her lip when she noticed her eyes had glazed over with tears.

"No, you know maybe you were right with the whole ignoring thing. Maybe it's just too hard for some people to be friends after they've been more. Maybe it's just easier if we're not, if we just work together and that's it."

Arizona watched Callie bob her mouth open for a second, the other woman not managing a single word as Arizona walked past her and headed for the door, closing it behind her and wiping tears from her cheeks as she walked down the corridor.

/


	2. Olive Branch Pt 2

**DAY 71**

"You don't even _like_ cats."

Arizona ignored Teddy's whine as she carried on waking down the aisle, scanning the cages to the right as she eyed every cat. She could hear Teddy still mumbling and grumbling to herself as she scurried along behind her, clearly not paying attention because when Arizona stopped to get a better look at a black cat that was curled up in a ball in the corner of one of the cages, she felt Teddy collide into her.

"You're meant to be helping me pick one."

"I don't understand though, why do you need a cat?" Teddy asked as she cocked her head to the side to get a better look at the furry animal in front, Arizona copying her motion before continuing her walk when she decided it wasn't the right one. She didn't exactly know what she was looking for, she just knew she was leaving the shelter today with a cat. When Teddy whined her name once more, Arizona let out a small sigh.

"Alex said I need to smile more."

"Sarcoma kid?" Teddy asked after a second, her paces skipping a little so she could catch up with Arizona.

"I was sat reading a story to her and she looked me straight in the eye and said I need to smile more. Just like that. Me, Arizona Robbins, needing to smile more. I've never been told that in my life, Teddy. I'm the super happy blonde surgeon who rolls down the hallways and has butterflies on her scrub cap-"

"I know."

"I'm happy. I'm awesome. I'm super happy all the damn time."

"So why do you care then? And what does this have to do with cats?" Teddy groaned as she grabbed Arizona's hand to get her to stop walking, swinging her friend around and offering her a smile that she hoped would lead to a conversation which would then lead to them leaving the smelly shelter. Arizona sighed as she stepped to the side and flopped down on the bench that was against the wall, chewing on the inside of her lip as she stared at the fat ginger cat that was in the cage in front of her.

"Because I'm not happy, Teddy," Arizona mumbled, her voice weak and matching the sigh that followed it after, "I'm not happy and I don't know how to make myself happy. And please don't say all I need is time, because I've given it time. I suffered through Christmas, and the New Year and now I'm just tired. And sad. So when my five year old patient is telling me that I need to smile more, I take it a little personally. She told me that her cat always makes her smile and that I should get one. So I'm getting a cat, _okay_?"

"Okay," Teddy spoke after a second, her lips forming a small smile and her hand stretching to grab Arizona's before she offered a small squeeze. They sat in silence for a second, both women just staring at the fat ginger cat that fell onto its back when attempting to lick its foot. They both looked up when a man walked past with a crazy haired brown cat in his arms that was struggling against him, a small smile on his face as she tried to act like he had the situation under control. Arizona watched as he threw the cat into an empty cage before walking away, her eyes looking back to Teddy.

"Definitely not, that one looked feral. It'll eat you in your sleep." Teddy spoke, groaning when Arizona stood up and walked over to the cage, staring down at the untamed beast that was pacing its cage. Arizona looked at the card that was stuck onto the cage, reading it whilst Teddy stared on at the cat apprehensively.

"His name is Chewie. He was abandoned by his parents and lived on the streets for a while because no one wanted him."

"Do you blame people? Look at him."

"I think he's the one." Arizona spoke as she crouched down, watching as Chewie paced for another second before stopping when he made a last turn and noticed Arizona down at his level. They both looked at each other for a second, Arizona ignoring Teddy's protests and arguments for her to get the fat ginger one instead. Arizona waved the man over and told him she wanted the feral, beast-like cat in the cage in front.

"You're going to be eaten in your sleep. Lock your bedroom door."

/

 **DAY 90**

Arizona stepped back from the table for a second to bend her neck until she heard the crack, feeling the tension in her body seep away before stepping back up and continuing the work with her hands. She could hear Teddy humming away to herself, her hands working fast and effortlessly in a cool fashion that Arizona admired. Arizona watched when Teddy looked up a second later, her eyes looking over to the clock on the wall before looking back down, looking up once again after a second and a deep sigh leaving her. Teddy glanced at Arizona for a second, her eyes looking strange before she turned to Karev next to her.

"Karev, I need you to scrub out and go down to the lobby where Henry is-"

"Seriously?" Karev protested, his hand not moving for a second and both of the surgeons in front of Arizona just staring at one another, waiting for the other to break. It didn't surprise Arizona when Karev handed the retractor over a second later and stepped back from the table.

"Henry should be in the lobby with Emily. Tell them to go to dinner once Callie is ready and that I'll join them once I can but that this surgery is running longer that I expected. Tell him I'm sorry as well and that I'll make it up to him another time."

Arizona watched as Karev walked around the table, the sound of him snatching his gloves and gown away from his body and shoving them into the bin filling the room. Silence filled the OR for a few minutes. Arizona's eyes keep flickering between looking at the patient and looking at Teddy, her teeth chewing on her lip in an attempt to stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. She managed to go for three whole minutes before the silence was broken by Teddy, a small laugh coming from the woman.

"You can ask, Arizona, I know you want to."

"So you're going on double dates with your husband now? I thought he was just business." Arizona spoke, lifting lap pads out of the patients and beginning suction when she noticed a larger amount of blood spilling into the area. She waited for a second, hearing Teddy chuckle under her surgical mask. It irritated Arizona and she couldn't stop herself from glaring over her mask at the other woman.

"Seriously, _that's_ the question you want to ask? Not who Emily is?"

Arizona didn't answer. She just stared at the patient, her eyes not moving for minutes as Teddy made the occasional comment about them maybe only being another hour. Arizona could see Teddy's eyes moving to her every now and then. Silence settled between the two women, the only sounds in the room coming from machines and the shuffle of nurses. It wasn't for another few minutes before Teddy sighed and looked up to Arizona.

"They haven't been dating long, only a few weeks really. She's one of the physical therapists for the Seahawks," Teddy spoke, her voice soft and calm as she waited to see if Arizona was going to say anything, carrying on when she didn't, "Callie brought her over for dinner the other night and that's when I met her. I was going to tell you about her but I didn't know if you would want to know, you never talk about Ca-"

"It's fine, Teddy, I don't care. It's not my business anymore."

"You should start moving on as well, Arizona," Teddy spoke as she began stitching at the heart in front of them, her hands moving so quickly that it was easier for Arizona to stare at that rather look up to Teddy, "you should go on some dates and see how it goes. I could help you if you wanted, set you up with some people. But you should start moving on."

"I am- I mean, I have. I got a cat." Arizona grumbled, ignoring the way she wanted to roll her eyes at her comment whilst hearing Teddy chuckle.

"And when I was in love with Owen I got a fish. You haven't moved on at all, but she's _trying_. She's trying really hard and I think it's best if you try and move on as well. It's best for both of you now. I just want you _both_ to be happy, that's all."

/

 **DAY 110**

Arizona rubbed at her head, hoping her fingers would work away the headache that was growing like a storm behind her eyes. She stopped at the desk as she dropped for the chart, pressing her fingers into her eyes and breathing slowly to fight off the thumping that was powering through her head like a drill. She tried to fight away the flashbacks she was having to the vodka-induced night before, her mind flickering back every time she blinked. She would see the naked woman who had left her muscles aching this morning. She would see the vodka shots that had been poured over and over despite Arizona protesting she didn't like vodka. She would remember the way vodka had been poured down the naked woman's chest in an attempt to make her like the vodka, Arizona licking it away more than happily. And she remembered the way she grabbed her clothes and snuck out of the woman's apartment this morning trying to swallow away the shameful feeling she had. Every time she thought back she swallowed away the sick that clawed at her throat.

She wondered when she was going to get used to the feeling of being with someone else. Her skin touching someone else's, her lips running against someone else's and her fingers and tongue working on someone else. She wondered if she would ever like someone enough again to stay in the morning and see them wake up, to go for breakfast with them and be able to have a conversation.

Arizona continued to rub at her eyes and didn't look up until she heard her name being spoken next to her, her head swinging and catching a glimpse of the red hearts that were plastered around the hospital to celebrate Valentine's Day. Arizona rolled her eyes before looking to the resident who was speaking her name once more, her eyes falling on Karev.

"I know you told me you wanted me watching Alex after her surgery, but Dr Torres is doing a presentation of her cartilage growth in a few minutes and I was just wondering if I could go to that and then come back."

"And who will be watching Alex while you're gone?" Arizona grumbled as she flipped open the chart in front of her and began to scribble writing on it, looking back up to Karev when he didn't answer after a few seconds.

"Well it'll only be half an hour, so I think she'll be okay. Her vitals have been fine all day and there's no indicators of her changing any time soon so-"

"So you would rather leave the task I have assigned you, to go and see something you deem more worthy of your time than watching your patient?"

"Well, no, but I would be-"

"You don't get to just and pick and choose when you want to be a doctor, Karev. If I assign you to a task, you do it with one hundred percent effort and focus. You don't think about some cool cartilage things Dr Torres is doing or some fancy surgery Dr Shepherd has got going on. You focus on _your_ patient, because do you know what happens when you don't focus on your patient? They die. Who would be there to attend to Alex if something happened whilst you were gone? No one. And whose fault would that be? _Yours_. You don't get to pick and choose, okay?"

"Fine, forget about it. I'll stay." Karev huffed as he turned to walk away, Arizona snapping his name.

"No you won't, you're off my service. Go and watch Dr Torres' cartilage thing and then find me another resident to replace you."

Arizona ignored the complaints from Alex, listening to him grumble for a second before he gave up and stormed off, the sound of the door banging closed just making Arizona's head flinch. She stared at the chart for a second longer, leaning over the desk to grab another one before looking up when a shadow appeared on the paper in front.

"You're starting to get a reputation for being cranky, you know? I don't know whether it's better or worse than the perky reputation, juries out at the minute. I thought the cat was meant to cheer you up? Maybe it's because you're not getting sex. You've been on a dry spell for a while now."

"No I haven't." Arizona mumbled as she dropped the charts back onto the pile and began to walk with Teddy towards the cafeteria. She didn't know whether she would be able to stomach any food, but she needed lots and lots of coffee.

"When was the last time you had sex?" Teddy asked, her voice sounding like it was teasing Arizona. Arizona shot a glare her way as they entered the elevator, her finger jabbing at the button hard enough for it hurt. She pushed the button over and over until the doors finally closed, stepping back and leaning against the back wall. She ignored the memory that tried to flash into her brain, the same one that always managed to wriggle its way in every time she stepped into an elevator. _Her kissing Callie. Her being with Callie. Everything being Callie_. Arizona shook the thoughts from her head before looking to Teddy who was arcing her eyebrow, intrigued for the answer.

"Last night."

"You were supposed to be on your date with Sarah, you know the new hot cardio scrub nurse that I worked so hard to get you a date with?"

"I was," Arizona shrugged her shoulders, "we had dinner, it was nice. Then we had vodka which wasn't so nice. Then we had sex which also nice."

"You had sex? Last night? With Sarah my new scrub nurse?" Teddy asked, turning around to face Arizona and groaning when Arizona just nodded her head, "But I worked with her this morning. I just got out of surgery with her. She handed me the scalpel."

"Well, if you're questioning her hygiene I'm sure she'll have washed her hands since." Arizona laughed as the doors pinged open, stepping off and watching as Teddy scrambled behind after her. They walked into the cafeteria and Arizona wanted to hit herself when she felt her eyes scanning the room for a certain brunette before she could even control it.

"That's not my point. My point was I stood with her for six hours completely unaware of that and I was the one who set you two up. Are you going to call her at least?" Teddy asked as they eyed the salads in front of them, Arizona poking through them to find one that looked the least dead. As she grabbed one and dropped it onto her tray she shrugged her shoulders.

"I doubt it. I mean, she was nice but she wasn't for me."

"Have you been doing this with all of the women I've set you up with?" Teddy asked, her voice coming out in higher pitch that usual from the shock that was washing over. Arizona just nodded her head as they filled their drinks before sitting down. She popped the lid off her salad and flicked through it with her fork, pronging a piece and making it all the way to her lips before acknowledging the fact it wasn't going to go down.

"Most of them. I didn't sleep with all of them, just some of them."

"So they were right then." Teddy commented after a second through a mouthful of salad, Arizona scrunching her face up as she watched the woman shove it all to her cheek before guzzling on her drink.

"Who was right about what?" Arizona sighed tiredly, sipping on her drink and sitting back in her seat.

"Everyone. Do you know how hard I had to work to get you all of these dates? Every single person that I thought was relationship-worthy was on board for the idea of a date with a hot blonde surgeon until they heard it was you. It took me about three people until I finally asked what was so wrong with you, I mean you're hot, and they all told me the same thing. That now because you're over with Callie you're probably going to go back to the same way you were _before_ her. I didn't know you before Callie, so care to explain what you used to be like? Because clearly cranky isn't your only reputation."

"They're being dramatic." Arizona laughed softly.

"Arizona, two people cut through me talking and stopped me as soon as I mentioned your name. One of them _literally_ put their hand over my mouth. It was like I was saying Voldemort."

"So maybe I used to be a little more casual when it came to relationships," Arizona shrugged her shoulders, "that's all, it's not a big deal."

" _Casual_?"

"It's not my fault that people agree to go on a date with someone they know isn't looking for commitment and then get bitter about it when said person once again makes it clear they're not looking for commitment."

"How casual were you, say on a scale of 1 to Mark Sloan?" Teddy spoke when she watched Mark walk into the cafeteria. Arizona looked over to him, regretting it when she noticed Callie walk in a second later. She was texting on her phone, not watching where she was going and colliding with Mark when he stopped walking. Arizona looked at her for a second more, taking in her hair that was longer now and pinned back at the sides giving her a sweet pretty look. Arizona turned back to Teddy when she heard her clear her throat.

"Look, I just didn't see the point in relationships. I never like any of the people I dated enough to want that, so I didn't."

"Oh my God. You're an ex-GI Jane who turned into Attachment Barbie only to flip back to GI Jane. You're the worst kind of GI Jane right now."

"I literally have _no idea_ what you're talking about right now." Arizona laughed as she looked to her pager when it beeped on her hip. She lifted the salad in front of her and flashed a quick smile at Teddy before walking away.

"Being a GI Jane has consequences, Arizona. You need to think about that." Teddy shouted behind her, causing the blonde to look over her shoulder horrified when she noticed half of the canteen turning to looking between her and Teddy. Arizona felt the smile drop from her face when her eyes caught with Callie's, Mark looking at Teddy and laughing but Callie just staring straight at Arizona. Arizona looked away as soon as she could, dropping her salad into the bin before walking out.

/

 **DAY 120**

"Why aren't you asleep? It's late."

Arizona pushed herself off the frame of the door and walked further into Alex's room, dropping her white coat onto the chair next to the bed and lifting the young girl's chart to see if there had been any changes she was unaware of. After a second she set it back down before looking down at the young girl, watching as she just shrugged her shoulders before lifting the tv remote next to her and flicking through the channels over and over. Arizona stood and watched her for a second. Somehow she looked smaller than when she first came onto the ward, her little legs only making it part way down the bed under the blankets. Arizona watched her until she looked up, arching her eyebrow at her as she took the remote and turned the tv off, perching on the side of the bed.

"I'm not tired."

"Want me to read more of _Peter Pan_?" Arizona asked, watching the young girl contemplate the idea for a second before grabbing the book from beside her bed and handing it over, shifting over in the bed and allowing Arizona more space to pull her own legs up and curl them underneath her as she sat on the bottom of the bed. Arizona had only made it through three sentences when the young girls voice cracked through the room again, the shake it in audible.

"I heard one of the doctors talking to my mom earlier and he said that the medicine isn't working and that surgery is the only thing that will work now."

"Who was saying- when did you hear…" Arizona muttered for a second as she set the book down on the bed, chewing her lip when she watched tears pool into the five year olds eyes now. Arizona sighed softly as she shuffled on the bed so she was closer, glancing at all the pictures that were scattered on the wall behind the bed.

"Am I going to have more surgery?" Arizona watched Alex swipe her hands up at her eyes, wiping away the tears that hadn't fallen yet. They sat in silence for a second more before Arizona nodded, grabbing the small girl's hands when she batted at her face to wipe more tears.

"Your medicine was meant to reduce the tumours so that we could then operate easier but so far it hasn't worked. So now we're going to operate to try and take some of the tumours out and then try the medicine again."

"But you said to my mom that there was no way of operating until the medicine started to work."

"I know," Arizona sighed weakly, squeezing the young girls hand as she glanced out of the window when the rained pelted down a little heavier against the window, "I did say that but now we're going to operate. I'm going to sit down and find a way of taking out as many of the tumours as I can and then we'll operate on you and make you all better, okay?"

"What if it doesn't work?" Alex mumbled after a second, her hand wiping under her nose before Arizona hopped off the bed and grabbed some tissues from the box that was on the table at the side. She handed them to small girl, watching as she fiddled with it in her hands and began to rip at it.

"Well, I don't know what you've heard but I'm pretty good at my job. I mean, I'm _awesome_ at what I do. So you don't need to worry about that for now, okay?"

"My birthday is in a couple of months," Alex muttered after a second, grabbing the book and handing it back to Arizona who was dropping down into the seat next to the bed, "will I still be here by then?"

"I don't know," Arizona spoke, her voice a low whisper as she watched Alex's head just nod sadly, "but I promise I'll try everything I can to make sure that you can spend your birthday at home with Batman. Now, do you want me to read _Peter Pan_ or do you want to sleep?"

Arizona only made it through another page of the book when her pager beeped from her coat pocket, an apologetic smile coming to her face as she stood up and searched through her coat for the pager. Her eyes read what it said before she sighed softly, turning to see Alex already holding her hand out, ready to take the book from her. Arizona started to apologise, part way through an offer of coming to read two whole chapters tomorrow when a cough at the door made her turn around. Her eyes fell on Callie who was stood leaning against the door frame, one hand shoved into her pocket and the other pointing at the book.

"I'll uhm… I'll read it. Now. If you want me to." Arizona was too busy staring at Callie to recognise Alex's happy acceptance behind her. She watched as Callie walked into the room, her hand stretched out to take the book from Arizona who handed it over quickly. The blonde woman offered one last apology to Alex before scampering out of the room, hearing Callie's voice fill the room just as she reached the door. Arizona stood for a few seconds outside of the door, listening as Callie read from the book, her voice changing to match each characters in the same ways Arizona's did whenever she read to the kids. She could hear Alex laughing. The whole thing made her chest hurt, and as she walked towards the ER she chewed on her lip to fight the painful sting.

/

 **DAY 134**

The sound of another glass of wine being poured made Arizona look up.

She looked over her shoulder to where Teddy was lay on her couch, her hand struggling to hold the bottle with the position she was in. She managed to fill the glass to the rim before dropping the empty bottle down onto the table in front, flopping her head tiredly back down onto the couch. Arizona looked back to the books that were spread out over the kitchen island in front of her. She bent her neck until she heard the crack, using the back of the kitchen stool to twist her body until her back followed suit with a chorus of pops and cracks. Her whole body ached as she listened to Teddy mumble to herself.

"Is it sad that I'm hiding from my husband? It's sad, isn't it? I should just go to his apartment and talk to him, I should be the adult in this relationship. God, it's weird that I'm dating my _husband_. Who would have thought that when I married him I would end up dating him?"

"Everyone thought it, Teddy." Arizona grumbled as she lunged across the island to grab a book that was out of reach, flicking it open and lifting her wine glass to take a sip, rolling her eyes when she noticed Teddy had opened an expensive bottle.

"Your stupid cat keeps staring at me," Teddy spoke after a second, Arizona glancing over her shoulder to see Teddy drunkenly narrowing her eyes at Chewie who admittedly was seemingly glaring at her, "It won't stop staring at me. Maybe it thinks I'm one of the many women who he's probably seen sneaking out of this apartment. Oh God, have you had sex on this couch? Am I lay somewhere where you've been naked with another woman? I am, aren't I?"

"Teddy, you're meant to be helping me with Alex's surgery, not just drinking all of my expensive wine." Arizona snapped, hearing a fumble of cushions as Teddy struggled to get up before noticing the woman come into sight as she stumbled over to the kitchen mumbling apologies, whilst scanning Arizona's wine selection and picking out another bottle.

"When you and Callie started having sex it was good, right?" Teddy asked as she set the bottle down on the island, unaware of the way Arizona's breath had choked in her chest at the change in conversation and the mention of Callie. Arizona stared at her book for a second, trying to ignore the overwhelming wave of tightness in her chest that always bombarded her whenever Callie came into her head. Whenever she saw the brunette walking down the corridor, whenever she saw her in the canteen, whenever she had to stand across from her for hours in an OR. The sensation paralysed her chest, making it hard for her breathe.

"What?" Arizona mumbled after a second, eyeing Teddy who was gulping from her wine like she was drinking water. As she finished her glass of wine that she had poured less than two minutes ago, setting it down next to the new bottle, she groaned and looked at Arizona with an exasperated drunk face.

"I mean, right when you very first got together, was the sex good?"

"It was… Why do you want to know this?" Arizona asked, her voice coming across slightly snappish as she lifted her own wine and took a mouthful, hoping it would wash away the tightness in her chest.

"Because the sex with Henry is _terrible_ ," Teddy groaned as she dropped her elbows down onto the counter and held her face in her hands for a second, low guttural groans that resembled a cow giving birth leaving the woman for a second.

"How terrible?"

"I mean, it's _really_ bad, Arizona. Like counting down the minutes until it's over kind of bad. And I think we both know because afterwards we lie there and we're both just waiting for the other to say something but neither of us ever do. How can the sex be that bad when the conversation is so good and the face is so pretty? It's because I married him. I ruined it for myself. I _ruined_ sex. If I had met him like any other normal guy and dated him the sex would be out of this world. It would be fantastic. I would be having sex all the God damn time. But I had to be the idiot who married him. The universe is screwing with me because I married someone for insurance. So what I want to know is, was the sex good with you and Callie when you first started or did you have bumps in the road like this? Because I don't know how much longer I can go along with the bad sex."

Arizona just shook her head before looking at her laptop screen, her eyes looking over the words on the screen but never actually reading them. She could hear Teddy grunting again as she opened the next bottle of wine and began to pour it into the glass. Arizona chewed on her lip as she looked over the top of the laptop screen, the tightness in her chest only increasing as she sighed, took another mouthful of her wine and closed the laptop.

"The sex was always amazing with Callie, right up until the end. I can empathise with you here because I've had bad sex before, but never with Callie. With Callie it was always… When we together it was like nothing was wrong in the world. Our bad days, or our worries or concerns just faded away because in that moment it was just about me and Callie. And that never changed. We always had that. We always knew that when we were together everything was going to be okay, and that _nothing_ was impossible or really mattered, because we had each other. And each other was enough. When I was _with_ Callie I never wanted to leave."

"Yeah, I definitely don't have that with Henry at the minute, the stupid universe is punishing me with bad sex."

Teddy spoke after a long period of silence between the women, her face looking uncomfortable as she tried to turn her concerned look into a joking smile. The smile only stayed for a second before it turned into Teddy just looking concerned for her friend, Arizona feeling the other woman's eyes burning into her as she turned back to the books in front of her and chewed on the end of the pen in her mouth. They remained so quiet that the sounds of the streets outside the window could be heard, the noises of car horns and the occasional siren blasting through the eerie quiet that wasn't broken for minutes until Teddy spoke.

"Do you miss her?" Teddy asked. Arizona didn't look up, pretending for a second she hadn't heard the question. She didn't want to answer it, but the tightness in her chest was so painful that after a second she coughed to clear her throat, her voice coming out slightly hoarse from the tears that she didn't even know had been piercing the back of her eyes.

"All the time."

"Do you think that'll ever go?" Teddy asked as she sat down in the stool next to Arizona, grabbing the notes that she had been making for hours and beginning to read through them. Another silence settled between the women as Arizona swallowed away her tears for a few seconds, a small shrug of her shoulders following.

"I don't know. I hope not." Arizona spoke honestly, because even though the pain in her chest was unbearable sometimes and made her want to crack it open and rip her own heart out, she knew that she would take that any day over walking past Callie and feeling nothing. She always wanted to miss her because she knew that would mean she always loved her. So as Teddy looked at her with the most heart breaking smile, Arizona tried to secretly wipe away the one tear that had managed to escape from her eye.

/

 **DAY 180**

Arizona stood staring at the all of the scans that littered the screens in front of her, each showing the progression and growth of every single tumour that was in Alex's body. Arizona didn't know how long she had been stood there, all she knew was everything hurt. Her back felt stiff. Her feet ached. And more than anything, her head pounded. She let out a deep breath as she started to pace the room, a technique she had been using every ten minutes in the hope that each step would help her think of the best way to cut into a five year olds body. She stopped and stared back at the scans, her head cocking to one side as she looked at them and felt her eyes blur. She was tired. She knew she needed to go and home and sleep, but she couldn't bring herself to leave the room. She continued to stare at the scans for a few minutes until the door behind her opened, Arizona's tired eyes glancing over her shoulder and watching Callie slip in through the door.

She frowned when Callie didn't turn and walk back out. She watched as Callie closed the door behind her and leaned against it, her eyes glancing out of the window that looked out onto the hall where three interns stood staring in, scrambling when the brunette glared at them. Arizona looked over her shoulder for a second more until her eyes connected with Callie, spinning around and looking back to the scans. She heard Callie clear her throat, Arizona's eyes closing for a second as she took a deep breath to settle the nerves bubbling in her stomach and the tightness that was making it hard to breathe.

"So, word on the surgery block is you're working up some magic in here, trying to work out how save Alex. You've got a whole crew of interns constantly camped out on this corridor hoping you'll pick one of them to scrub in."

Arizona looked over her shoulder once more and offered a small smile to the brunette, trying to control her shock when Callie smiled back. She watched as Callie pushed off from the door and walked forward until she was stood next to Arizona. It was the closest she had been in months. Arizona could smell her perfume and it made her stomach knot in twists. Her eyes flickered to Callie for a second, noticing the woman was watching her, before she looked back to the scans.

"I know this isn't my place, but I… You invest yourself, _so_ much. You tell yourself you're going to do something and you invest your heart, body and soul into it. Every single patient to you means everything and I think that's amazing, until I watch it break you every single time you lose one. What happened with Wallace…"

Callie's voice trailed off when Arizona stopped looking at the screens and turned to look at Callie. Her mind flashed back to her birthday, a lump forming in her throat as she remembered the wave of emotions she had been through that day. For weeks afterwards, every patient was another Wallace to her. Every single patient was like walking on egg shells. It took her a while to get over that loss, but she got through it because of what else happened on her birthday. Arizona tried to block the memory from flashing into her head, but before she knew it she was remembering the way Callie had been sleeping on the couch. The way she laughed and offered up doughnuts. The way she looked so beautiful, so sweet and so timid when Arizona spoke the three words that she had planned on saying every single day for the rest of her life. Arizona tried not to hear Callie's voice in her head saying _you do_ , but before she could stop it she was hearing the small _I love you too_ that followed. She was remembering the way they had kissed afterwards, the way they had lay in bed that night together and said the words over and over to each other, wondering if it would always feel magical coming from their lips. Arizona was remembering it all, and it was all making her want to be sick. She looked back to Callie after a second, a small smile on the woman's face as though she had just been on the same rollercoaster memory.

"It's happening again, Arizona," Arizona swallowed thickly as she heard her name on the woman's lips, something she had missed for so long, "what happened with Wallace is happening again, _right now_. You were incredible with Wallace. Watching you with him made me realise I was so madly in love with you. Watching you care about someone that much- it made me see how special you are. But he died, and it crushed you. You were so invested in him and he _died_. Alex is sick, Arizona, maybe too sick to be able to get better. And you know that. The interns may think you're creating some magic in here that's going to make her better, but we've both been surgeons long enough to realise that magic like that doesn't exist."

"What's your point here, Callie?" Arizona asked after a second, her voice coming out blunter that she had expected. She noticed Callie flinch slightly at the tone, the smile wavering for a small second and dropping until it was just the corner of her lip pulling up slightly.

"I don't want you to be the same way you were after Wallace again. I don't want you to feel like that again, because you were so upset. For weeks you were scared about… It hit you hard, that's all. So just, be careful, okay? _Please_ , for me."

"You're right," Arizona mumbled after a second, turning to lift her lab coat that was thrown over the back of one of the chairs. She turned to face Callie for a second, taking in the wide smile that was now plastered on the woman's face, trying to ignore the way it dropped when she muttered the next few words as she walked to the door, "this _isn't_ your place anymore. Thanks for the vote of confidence."

/

 **DAY 190**

"Okay, so Dr Karev is going to get you all ready and then I'll meet you in the OR before we get started, okay? I'll see you soon so we can get you home for your birthday next week."

Arizona flashed one last smile as she threw her stethoscope back around her neck, nodding her head towards Karev who stepped in and started preparing Alex for her surgery. Arizona stood and watched for a second more before turning on heel and heading for the door, stopping when she heard Alex speaking to Karev.

"When I get home I'm going to give Batman a really big hug, he's my cat by the way. Have you met Arizona's cat? It's called Chewie which I think is a really cool name. I'm going to hug Batman and then I'm going to play in the garden and see all of my friends who I haven't seen in so long…"

Arizona swallowed as she listened to the girl, unaware of her nerves until she felt her throat close up and nearly choke as she tried to swallow. She leant against the wall for a second as she took some deep breaths, trying to stop the way they were shaking as they left her lungs. Arizona wiped her clammy hands on her top before pushing off the wall, needing to get out of the room before she listened to Alex tell Karev one more story of what she was going to do when she got home. Her heart was hammering in her chest as she walked down the corridors, her legs feeling weak from the lack of air she was managing to get into her lungs. She couldn't breathe. Her eyes were blurring from tears that had pooled into her eyes, the hammering heart in her chest clenching every time she thought of the five year old in the room she had just ran out of.

She had plans. She had dreams. She had so many ideas and hopes for what the rest of her life was going to be, and it was all going to be literally in Arizona's hands. Arizona threw the door open to the nearest supply closet and closed it behind her, leaning against it and closing her eyes. She could hear her breathing coming out raged, her hands shaking uncontrollably as she lifted them. She clenched them into fists in a bid to stop the tremors, watching them continue to rattle when she straightened them back out. _This couldn't be happening_. She couldn't be panicking like this, not now. Not ever. Anger swarmed through Arizona as she tried to stop the shaking of her hands one more time, swinging and hitting a tray that was filled with utensils when it didn't stop. As they tray clattered onto the floor and echoed around the room Arizona noticed someone swing around from the other side of the shelves, a loud groan leaving Arizona when her eyes met with the familiar brown ones of Callie's.

"What's wrong?" Callie asked, her eyes wide as she looked Arizona whose whole body was shaking. Callie's eyes flickered to the tray of utensils that was scattered over the floor before back to Arizona, noticing the tears that were streaming down her face and the breathing that was struggling through her lips.

"You were right, I can't do this. I can't- I don't know how to. I can't do this, I can't help Alex, I can't save her. I can't give her cuddles with Batman and help her to play in the garden. I can't do this and you were right, I can't-"

"Hey, breathe," Callie spoke softly as dropped what was in her hands back onto the shelf and stepped closer, still stopping with a few paces in between the two women. Arizona looked to Callie and noticed her eyes looked scared, filled with worry as she looked up and down the blonde in front of her. Arizona looked at her for a second more, her breathing settling for a second which only allowed more tears to fall from her eyes. She wiped her hands haphazardly at the tears, dropping her head back onto the door and staring at the ceiling.

"You were right, magic doesn't exist and I've just been kidding myself thinking I was going to find a way to save her…"

"Who?" Callie asked after a second, her brow furrowing in confusion before recognition washed over her face, "Alex's surgery is today."

"I don't think I can do this, Callie."

"Arizona," Callie spoke softly, stepping forward further until she was directly in front of the blonde. Callie's eyes looked all over her face for a second, her hand lifting nervously and hovering until she stretched it forward and tucked a strand of Arizona's hair behind her ear, her hand moving to wipe away tears as she cupped Arizona's cheek. Arizona practically whimpered when she felt the touch, her face pushing into the warmth of Callie's hand and her legs feeling weak when Callie pulled her forward into a hug. She was whispering softly in Arizona's ear, sending her dizzy and making the tightness in her chest clench to a whole new level. Arizona tried to pull away but was stopped by Callie's hands tightening on her, clutching a handful of her coat and turning her face into Arizona before placing a kiss on her head. Arizona didn't know how long they stood there with Callie holding her, but as the minutes passed her breathing evened out and her tears stopped. She even felt the clenching in her chest start to dispel because she wasn't missing her in that moment, she _had_ her. She was stood in Callie's arms, hearing her make soft hushing noises against her ear whenever another cry left her lips.

"I was worried and I thought that- I was _wrong_ to say what I said and I was _wrong_ to say it the way I did. You're the best at what you do, Arizona, and the fact that Alex is still alive right now is magic enough," Callie spoke, a small sigh coming from her before she spoke the words that made Arizona freeze, "you are great."

Arizona's mind flashed back to the last time Callie spoke those words. The way she had been stood watching the rain come down, trying to fight of the same panic she had just felt. When she had heard the words come from Callie's lips, she felt like a balloon that was finally being tied down. She had been floating away, trying desperately to get back down, and finally Callie held her down. She grounded her whilst also helping her to rise up. And right now the same words were being whispered into her ear, as though no time at all had passed. Callie was speaking the words like nothing had changed. Like they hadn't broken up. Like the 6 months they had spent pretending the other didn't exist since she got back from Fiji hadn't happened. Right now in that moment they were back to just being them again, the two of them together getting through whatever needed to be got through.

After another second Callie pulled back and wiped her thumb under Arizona's eye, a smile on her face as she looked between the two, watery blue eyes in front of her. Every thing around them felt like it didn't exist, it felt like everything was back to normal. Which was probably why Callie leaned forward and why Arizona didn't pull away when she felt Callie's lips on hers _. She was home_. She was kissing her softly, and briefly. Their lips just pressing against each other's and holding there for as long as they could. Arizona was clutching onto the sides of Callie's coat like it was the only thing keeping her on her feet. Everything was perfect. Until it wasn't. Until Callie was pulling away, her feet stepping back straight away and the smile dropping from her face to be replaced by a look that took Arizona a second to decipher. _Guilt_. She looked guilty. And the stabbing pain that followed was one that Arizona was sure would stick around for a long time. _Stab_.

"I can't- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." Callie muttered, her fingers touching her lips. Arizona wondered whether it was because they were tingling the same way hers were. _Stab_. She looked at the woman in front of her for a second, and realised all of the anger and resentment she had held for 6 months was completely gone. She was tired of being angry at her. She was tired of avoiding her. She just wanted Callie in her life. She wanted to be able to walk through the hospital and not be paralysed by a tightness in her chest.

"I understand, I'm sorry as well," Arizona spoke after a second, her voice hoarse from the serious crying she had been doing a few minutes ago. Arizona watched Callie lift the things she had been holding a minute ago, turning back to face each other after a second, "how about I offer an olive branch and say let's be friends? I miss you, Callie. Let's just be friends, okay?"

"I don't…" Callie spoke, her brow furrowing as she stared at the floor for a second before looking up with a small sad smile and shrug of her shoulders, "I can't do that either, Arizona."

And just like that Arizona's whole world felt like it was tumbling around her again. She was back in the apartment packing her stuff to leave. _Stab._ She was back in the elevator kissing Callie and walking away. _Stab._ She was back on the beach in Fiji crying to herself. _Stab_. She was so busy caught up in her thoughts that she just watched Callie open the doors, offer her a good luck for her surgery, before walking away.

/

"Dr Robbins."

Arizona's hands didn't stop moving. She could feel sweat beginning to form in small drops on her forehead, her breath ragging up her throat and choking against the tightness. There was blood everywhere. Everything was red. It was all she could see as she continued the same motion she had been doing over and over since the piercing cry from the machines surrounding them had quietened all the conversation in the OR. Her gloves were red. Her sleeves were splattered with red. Her gown had red splash marks. Arizona worked over and over, her arms aching uncontrollably and feeling like they weren't attached to her body by the time she looked up.

All eyes were on her and not the small girl on the table in front. Every nurse had pitying eyes as they stood still, not pushing meds and handing utensils like they should be. Every doctor in the room was just looking on with the same look in their eyes, a look Arizona knew too well. _She was gone. She wasn't coming back. Stop_. But she couldn't. Arizona couldn't stop her hands from continuing to try and restart her heart, she couldn't just give up. She had worked _too_ hard, she had tried _too_ much, for this to end this way. The five year old on the table deserved more. She deserved a whole lifetime filled with heartbreak and love and regrets. She deserved Saturday nights filled with the burn of tequila, weekdays filled with a job she loved and memories of falling in love. She _deserved_ a life. A life Arizona had promised her. She couldn't just _stop_ , it wasn't right.

"Arizona, she's gone, okay? She's gone. Stop." Arizona didn't stop her hands from moving but did look up when a new voice filled the OR, her sight turning to Teddy who was walking further into the OR, holding a mask over her mouth before dropping it after a second. A sad smile tugged at the side of her lips as she cocked her head. Arizona just looked on as she watched Teddy tell the nurses to begin clearing the OR, preparing it for the next surgery that would be rushed into the room in half an hour, _another_ life that needed to be save. A few minutes passed, Arizona's presses getting weaker and further apart but not stopping. She couldn't get her hands to stop moving. Teddy replaced Karev on the other side of the table, her eyes scanning the disaster zone in front of them.

"Arizona, come on. You did everything you could. This just… Sometimes we can't save everyone, you know that. You know we can't save _everyone_ and you just… You tried your best. You did everything you could, you just couldn't-"

"I just couldn't save her," Arizona mumbled softly as her hands finally stopped, the piercing sound of the machines quietening when a nurse flicked the switch on them, "She was going to turn six next week. She was going to play with her cat and her friends in her garden. She was going to…"

"Arizona…" Teddy spoke when Arizona's voice broke. The other woman watched as Arizona stepped away from the table, her fingers fumbling to pull the mask away from her face and let it hang down below her chin. Arizona looked around the mostly empty OR before glancing to the gallery, her eyes falling upon the only person who remained sitting as everyone else filtered out. Callie's sad face stabbed into her like a knife straight to the lung. She was all she could see even when she didn't want to.

"Time of death 17:52." Arizona muttered as she snapped her gloves from her hands and ripped her gown off, glancing up to the gallery one last time before hitting the button for the doors to open and walking out.


	3. Time

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Arizona sighed as she ran her hands through her hair quickly, eyeing herself in the mirror and taking another second to run her fingers under eyes. She had dark purple circles that hung low, her tired, bloodshot eyes only adding to the overall image. She looked exhausted. She needed sleep. She need a whole night of uninterrupted sleep that wasn't broken by her body insisting she wake up every hour for no reason. Her eyes felt like they were burning cylinders into her skull, ready to pop out at the back any second. She didn't want to move. She didn't even want to walk to her front door to stop the incessant knocking that was rippling through her apartment, but she had to. So with one final look in the mirror and one last tug through her untamed hair, she forced herself out of her bathroom and made her way through her apartment.

She scooped Chewie up when she made it to the door, stopping him from grunting and scratching at the surface, before swinging it open to reveal an equally tired looking Teddy. Arizona muttered a weak _hello_ , before turning on her heel and walking towards the kitchen, dropping a yawning Chewie down onto the floor as she grabbed two mugs from the cupboard above her head and began to pour the freshly brewed coffee into them. The smell of the coffee had been the only thing to make her drag her body out of the shower twenty minutes ago, her tired muscles wanting to remain under the warm water forever. She filled the two mugs, sliding one over her kitchen island to Teddy, before dropping her elbows down onto the surface and leaning her face into them, low guttural groans coming from her. Teddy laughed as she heard the noise, Arizona letting out small whimpers at the feeling of her eyes being closed again.

"This meeting better be worth it. I swear to God, if it's like last time and just another hour were Derek preaches to us about better spending measures, I will personally murder him in the best way I know. I was in the _middle_ of my morning run when I got the page."

"I was sleeping. This is my day off." Arizona grumbled, sipping from her coffee as she watched Chewie drag himself up off the kitchen floor, running himself along her leg in the playful way he always did, before strolling over and hopping up onto the couch. Arizona stared absentmindedly at the cat as she sipped from her coffee, hearing Teddy cough to clear her throat.

"So, uhm, I have some news," she spoke in a weak cheerful voice, Arizona just nodding for her to continue speaking as she wiped some spilt coffee from the surface, "Well, uhm, Henry asked me for a divorce this morning. He also asked me to move in with him."

"This morning?" Arizona spoke as she finally looked back to the woman in front of her, Teddy eyeing Arizona in a nervous and panicked way. Teddy nodded slowly as Arizona glanced to the clock that hung on the wall behind Teddy's head, "It's seven twenty in the morning. Why was he awake that early? Why were _either_ of you awake that early?"

"He asked me while we were running. We run together sometimes. So there we were, both running through the park and having the time of our lives. I mentioned the flowers, he spoke about the nice weather. It was casual, you know? And then _bam_."

"Bam?"

"Yeah, _bam_. He hits me with the mention of a divorce and moving in together. They were basically in the same breath, Arizona."

"So, what did you say?" Arizona asked sleepily as she moved away from the kitchen and walked to the couch, pulling her back out from under Chewie and ignoring his angry grunt when he fell to the side. Arizona turned back around to Teddy who was now pacing, coffee in hand, back and forth. Arizona's eyes got tired just watching her move, fumbling with her pager on her hip instead.

"I ran away."

"You did what?"

"Well, I didn't fully run away. My pager went off so I told him I needed to go and then I ran home, showered and here I am."

"Seriously?" Arizona laughed as she tickled under Chewie's chin, his hand rubbing against her wrist to show he had forgiven her. Teddy groaned and began to ramble about how she was startled, how she didn't know how to handle these situation. Arizona just laughed as she fished through her bag for her keys, walking towards her door and hearing Teddy stomp after her.

"Okay, so maybe I didn't handle it in the best way possible," Teddy broke through the silence of the women in the elevator, Arizona just rolling her eyes as she cocked her head to the side to look at Teddy, "I didn't know what to do, though. He asked me for a divorce which was a shock enough and before I could even breathe he asked me to move in with him. I mean, that's crazy right? This entire this is crazy. I can't move in with him, we've been together for less than six months. I can't move in with him, can I?"

"Ugh, I don't know, Ted." Arizona sighed as they stepped out of the elevator when the doors opened, Teddy whinging behind Arizona as they walked through the lobby to the car park.

"Arizona, come on, I _need_ help here," Teddy whine once they reached the car, both of them looking over the roof at each other, "I know you're tired and that you've had a busy time at work recently, what with the whole Alex thing for a while and then the missing attendings for the past month, but I'm going to need a little more than _I don't know_ , okay?"

"Sorry," Arizona spoke softly after a second, flashing an apologetic smile at Teddy as she leant against the car, "do you want to move in with him?"

"I don't know." Teddy spoke in exasperated tone, her grumbles echoing around the carpark as Arizona just laughed and climbed into the car, Teddy following a second later.

"Well I might be wrong here, but I think if you don't know whether you want to live with him, it's pretty clear, isn't it? You should know when you want to move in with someone, Teddy. You should want to make that next move."

"But this is a lot to digest right now. I mean, moving in and a divorce in one conversation is a lot to swallow, I basically got whiplash from the change in topic. I'm not even sure if I want a divorce and if anything that confuses me more because how can I want to be married to someone I'm not sure I want to even live with. Don't you think this is a lot for a morning run? You think he would have save this conversation for, I don't know, a time when there is alcohol involved."

"I would know how to go about approaching this topic, I've never asked anyone for a divorce before," Arizona laughed as she started the engine in the car and took one glance at Teddy who threw her head back on the headrest and sulking, "I do also know that Henry _loves_ you. A lot. I mean, that man loves you. So if you don't want to move in with him yet, if you're not ready for that, then he'll understand. You just need to speak to him. Running way is great for half an hour but at some point you're going to see him and you'll have to speak to him about it. If you don't want to get divorced, tell him. If you do, tell him. If you don't want to move in because you feel like everything is moving too quick, just tell him. Honesty can be rough when it doesn't go the way you wanted it to, but if you're honest with him then there's nothing else you can do."

"Who would have thought that you could be so wise at seven thirty in the morning?" Teddy laughed as Arizona pulled out of the car space, a smirk on her face.

"I'm a morning person, I've been told it can be irritating." Arizona mumbled, her mind flashing to Callie for a second. _Callie in bed not wanting to get. Arizona waking her with a kiss. Arizona cooking her breakfast_. Neither of them leaving bed all day because that's what Callie spent her days off doing. Arizona kept her eyes on the road in front as they made the short drive towards the hospital, Teddy breaking the silence after a short period.

"You work too much. You look tired."

"I'm fine." Arizona laughed as she flicked the radio on to fill the silence that now felt uncomfortable with Teddy's eyes burning into the side of her head.

"I know you're fine. I'm just saying take some time off, sleep a little more. You work non-stop sometimes and you need a rest every now and then, time to just sit around and do nothing. You've been non-stop since you got back from Fiji and that was what, seven months ago now?"

"I'm _fine_ , honestly." Arizona commented quickly as the sounds of sirens blurred past them, Teddy just nodding and finally peeling her eyes off Arizona.

"Okay."

/

Arizona had every intention of going home after the pointless meeting that Derek had called every department head into. She had sat through the two hour presentation on price cutting measures, staring at the booklet that had been handed to them all but never actually reading any of it whilst ignoring Teddy's constant threat to murder Derek. She had used every bit of strength she had not to fall asleep, her eyes occasionally flickering up to the screen to watch Derek struggle with the technology and fumble nervously over his words, flashing his grin in a hope it made him look more _chiefly_. Every time she looked up her eyes would travel over Callie who was right in front of her. She couldn't look up without taking in the sight of her dark curls that were growing longer and longer with each passing week. It made Arizona want to run her hands through her hair, tickling her fingers in the same way that Callie always liked when they were lay in bed at night.

She missed it. Although she missed the really big things, more than anything she missed the small things. She missed climbing into the bed on her own but still being surrounding by the smell of Callie. She missed the way she would always drag herself out of bed in the morning first and feel cold in the kitchen, but immediately be warmed up when Callie would come behind her and wrap her arms around her waist. And she missed the way they would both be in bed at night, both engrossed in reading whatever new trial had been published, but still her hand would wriggle its way into Callie's hair and tickle through it. She missed hearing the content hum that would always come from the brunette, and the way she would fall asleep so peacefully every night before Arizona would. She missed all of the little things that added together to be big things. The things that made Arizona's chest hurt.

So Arizona had every intention of going home as soon as the mandatory meeting was finished, because the tiny bit of energy that she did have when she walked into the hospital that morning had completed melted away when she had to spend two hours making sure her eyes weren't constantly pulled towards Callie. But with ten minutes to go until the end of the meeting, Arizona's pager had broken through the silence of the room and left her dropping the booklet in her hand down onto the table and mumbling a chorus of apologies to Derek as she exited the room early. Five hours later Arizona was finally walking out of the hospital, her eyes firmly set on the coffee cart in front as she finally admitted defeat and realised her idea of going home and cuddling her cat all day with a movie on, wasn't going to happen. She now had several critical patients that she couldn't leave, tying her to the hospital for the rest of the day despite it being her day off.

Arizona stood in the summer sun that was shining down on Seattle, her eyes squinting as she looked up to the clear blue sky. She stared at the sky for a few seconds, hoping it would wash away the irritated and angry mood that had settled into her bones. As she turned to look back at the coffee cart, her eyes fell on the same brunette curls that had been a constant distraction for a large portion of her morning. Arizona watched as Callie stood and spoke to Lexie Grey, both of them looking over papers and speaking quickly. She watched for a few more seconds before returning her focus to the coffee in front, rattling off her order and fishing her phone out from her pocket to check on the results of one her patients that were being updated. She needed a distraction.

"Hey." Arizona looked up from her phone when Callie's voice appeared right next to her. Her body felt like it had frozen over. She looked around in an awkward way, realising there was no other possible person Callie could be speaking to, before turning back to the woman. Callie laughed softly at her and it made a shaky breath leave Arizona's lips, a small frown tugging at her brow in confusion after a second.

"Uhm, hi." Arizona spoke, her tone coming out less cheerful than she had tried for but still friendly enough. A silence settled between the women as they stood and stared at each other, their sight being broken when Arizona turned and took the coffee from the woman handing it to her.

"I've been looking for you," Callie spoke quickly, her thumb pointing to the hospital behind them, "I looked all over Peds but I couldn't find you."

"Oh yeah, I uhm, I needed coffee and-"

"-and this if your favourite coffee cart. Yeah, I remember," Callie finished for her, Arizona taking a gulp from her coffee that burnt her mouth but she ignored it because she needed something to distract her from the dark brown eyes that were burning into her, "I probably should have looked here first, I guess. You looked like you needed coffee this morning and then you had a long surgery, rough day."

"Uhm, why are you looking for me? Do you need a consult?" Arizona asked as she glanced back to her phone to see whether she had missed a message, her body freezing when Callie touched the wrist of the arm that the phone was in. Arizona tried to tell herself that her skin wasn't tingling, but it was. Even after all these months, even after all this time and all of the women she had shamefully been with in-between, her skin still tingled with one light touch. Callie's touch stopped Arizona from looking at her phone, looking back to her instead.

"Oh no, I don't need a consult actually," Callie spoke as she removed her hand from Arizona's wrist and flashed a smile, completely unaware of the way she had made Arizona stop breathing as she continued to ramble nervously, "your dad is here. Well, he's in the ER. Well, actually he's gone for scans at the minute but he was in the ER."

"Oh." Arizona spoke, her voice sounding slightly hoarse from the way her throat had closed up. She dropped her phone into her pocket, using her now free hand to push her hair back from her face, putting it back down to her side when she realised her hands were shaking. She gripped her coffee in her other hand, Callie's eyes scanning her whole face.

"It's nothing serious, he just fell a dislocated his shoulder."

"Oh." Arizona repeated. A small frown tugged in the middle of Callie's brows for a second, confusion washing over her face as she continued to scan Arizona. Arizona swallowed thickly, her throat feeling tight and scratchy. She forced some coffee down it, feeling it burn but slightly help. Callie chewed on her lip as a silence settled between the two women. Arizona knew she should probably ask a question, or at least do something, but all she did was stand there.

"I'm actually heading back there now to check on him, if you want- you can walk with me, if you want to."

"Oh," Arizona spoke again, looking away from Callie and swallowing her internal scream before looking back and shaking her head quickly, her feet beginning to step back from the woman, "Uhm, I have a patient I want to check up on actually. So, I need to, you know, go. Uhm, thanks though. For, you know- thanks for letting me know."

"No problem." Callie was fully frowning at Arizona now as she flashed one last smile before turning and walking away from the brunette. She walked for a few paces before remembering that the hospital was the other way, her feet coming to a stop so quick that her coffee splashed up against the lid. She turned on her heel to see Callie now collecting her own coffee from the cart, her eyes firmly burning into the blonde woman. Arizona flashed an awkward smile before rushing past her, heading through the door of the hospital and not looking back.

/

Arizona stared down at the small baby in front of her as she ran her stethoscope over his stomach, grinning down at him as he wriggled under the touch. She used her other hand to still him, listening for a second more before throwing her stethoscope back around her neck and continuing to tickle the baby's stomach with her fingers. As she watched his arms start to thrash about she laughed softly, looking up when the sound of opening doors caught her attention. Arizona clenched her jaw as she took in the sight of Callie tying the pink gown around her. She looked back down to the baby in front of her straight away, grabbing his small blanket and tucking it up around him. She told herself that if she couldn't see Callie, Callie couldn't see her. Of course her reasoning crashed down when Callie came to a stop next to her, not saying anything as she watched Arizona tuck the baby in. Arizona looked up to her a second later, letting out a shallow breath before plastering a smile on her face.

"Twice in one day, this must be a new record." Arizona tried to joke, Callie cocking her head to the side and arching an eyebrow. Arizona swallowed thickly before stepping away from the baby in front and moving to the next one over, grabbing her stethoscope and placing it down on the baby who wriggled less than the last.

"Are we just going to pretend like what just happened wasn't weird?" Callie spoke as she followed after Arizona, standing on the other side of the baby. Arizona looked up to see Callie grinning down at the baby, pulling funny face. She was expecting it to make her smile but all did was cause a sinking filling in the pit of her stomach. The sight of Callie offering her finger over to the baby and bouncing it feeling like a stab to her lung. Arizona watched her until Callie looked back up, her eyebrow raising as Arizona just swallowed throatily once more.

" _What just happened_?" Arizona repeated, Callie rolling her eyes and letting out a small laugh.

"Come on, Arizona, you know what I mean."

"I don't know what you mean." Arizona spoke weakly as she pulled back the bandage on the baby and checked the incision, Callie grimacing as she looked at the large mark across the tiny baby's abdomen.

"I think you forget how well I know you," Callie laughed as she pulled the small blanket back onto the baby when Arizona finished, "I told you that your dad is down in the ER and you didn't care. I don't understand, you're close with your family. Is it because I'm his doctor? Because you don't have to speak to me, I understand, I was just letting you know-"

"That's not the reason," Arizona spoke quickly, her eyes staring into Callie for a second before looking back down, "I'm a little busy at the minute so I can't really-"

"Arizona, come on, I don't understand." Callie spoke, her voice sounding more pleading as she stared at the woman in front. Arizona could see Callie ducking her head slightly to catch her eye but all she did was grab the chart and flick through it for a second, only looking back to Callie when she heard her name being spoken.

"Well that's fine because it isn't your place to _understand_ anymore, Callie. You're not my girlfriend and you made it clear that you didn't want to be friend so it doesn't matter. Thank you for letting me know but I don't need you to now badger about whether I'm going to react in the way you want me to or not."

Arizona's voice hadn't come out the way she was expecting it to. She was expecting it to be snappy. Blunt. Slightly rude, even. She hadn't wanted it to be that way, but she had been expecting it. But it didn't. It didn't sound angry and impatient, it sounded sad. And maybe that was the reason Callie didn't walk away, maybe that was the reason that Callie remained on the other side of the baby with a small smile on her face and a patient frown. Arizona stood for a second longer, clenching her jaw as she looked around the room before sighing softly.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… I'm sorry," Arizona's voice sounded weak as she almost whispered the apology, Callie smiling an acceptance straight away, "has he asked for me?"

"Your dad? Well, technically no but he's been a little busy having his shoulder popped back into its socket."

"If he hasn't asked for me I'm not going to see him." Arizona spoke after a second, dropping the chart down and walking over to the next baby, Callie scampering after her.

"He's your dad, I'm sure he'll want to see you. He's just been busy… Why won't you go and see him? Have you two argued or something?"

"It doesn't matter, I'm just not going. If he hasn't asked for me he obviously doesn't want me there."

"Arizona, you speak to them all the time. You love your parents. What the hell is going on?" Callie asked as she grabbed Arizona's arm to stop her from walking away again. Arizona stopped as soon as she felt the touch, stumbling back a little and turning to look at Callie. She was closer than she wanted to be due to the stumble. She could smell Callie's perfume. With one more step she would be right next to her. Arizona looked at Callie for a second, her eyes filled with concern, before hearing her pager go off. Yet again. She looked down to it and sighed weakly. _Consult in the pit_.

"I have to go." Arizona quietly as she turned on her heel and began to walk away, tugging her own pink gown off as she reached the door. Callie had followed behind her, dropping her gown into the bin before stopping and letting Arizona walk on.

"Arizona," she shouted softly, Arizona spinning and looking at her as she continued to walk backwards, "your dad didn't ask for you but you mom did."

Arizona stopped walking for a second as she looked at Callie. Callie's face was scrunched up with confusion. Arizona just nodded before she turned and carried on walking, her hands still shaking.

/

Arizona stood on the other side of the nurse's desk, a random chart in her hands in an attempt to act more nonchalant. She kept eyeing the writing on the chart before looking up to peek through the window in front. She had hunted out the room number her father had been admitted to and was now trying to gain more insight, failing due to the blinds on the window meaning she couldn't make out anything more than the shadowed outlines of the people inside the room. _Her dad. Her mom_. It made her heart thump in her chest in a way that made her nauseous. She wished she had gone home. She wished that she had ignored Derek's call this morning to come in for the meeting, because if she had never been at the meeting she would never have answered her pager and would never still be in the hospital. She wanted to go home.

"Is there a reason you're hiding out here and not in there?" Arizona peeled her eyes away from the window to see Callie who was walking up to the nurse's station on the other side. She stopped and leant against the desk, dropping a chart down onto the pile and smirking when she saw one in Arizona's hand, cocking her head in attempt to read the name. Arizona held the chart closer to her chest, flashing a smirk back at Callie.

"You're everywhere today." Arizona grumbled as she looked back down to the chart, pretending she was deep in thought as she read from the chart. She forced a small frown to come to her face and even rubbed at her jawline a little. The laugh that came from Callie sent a shiver down her spine.

"Really? I'm outside _my_ patient's room. _You_ are the one who is a long way from the Peds ward. There's no sick kids or crying babies around here." Callie teased, pulling a cereal bar from her pocket and struggling to open it for a second, a struggle she used to always have. She used to get frustrated and hand it to Arizona to help, eventually just giving it to Arizona straight away. This time Arizona just watched. Callie managed a second later and took a bite from it.

"Why has he been admitted for a dislocated shoulder? Were his scans okay?" Arizona asked as she looked back over to the room, seeing the shadow of what she was assuming was her mother pacing at the side of the bed.

"Were you here trying to find his chart?" Callie smirked. Arizona wished she would stop smirking. She wished she would stop smiling. She wished she would stop being near her. Callie sighed softly, cocking her head to the side as she fiddled with the granola bar, "why don't you just go in there and ask _your_ parents yourself?"

"Has he asked for me yet?" Arizona asked, watching Callie just look at her with confused eyes until she sighed, "I'll speak to him when he wants me to."

"Arizona, talk to me. I don't understand. What's going on?" Arizona just shook her head as she dropped the chart in her hand down onto the desk, flashing a weak smile before walking around the desk and beginning to head down the corridor, stopping when Callie spoke once more, "you should at least be there when Teddy gets here. Forget whatever little argument you two have had and just be there for him, he'll need you."

"What? Why is Teddy needed?" Arizona asked as she spun on her heel and looked at Callie, a frown tugging hard on her face. Callie suddenly looked a mixture of confused, panic and shock. Her eyes darted between Arizona and the room. She was panicked. Arizona spoke Callie's name, her voice sounding shaky and weak.

"When was the last time you spoke to your parents?"

"Callie, just tell me what's going on, plea-"

"Phoenix!"

And that just like it felt like someone had thrown a cold bucket of ice water down Arizona's back. She swung her head around to look down the hallway were the voice came from, seeing a person from her past making his way towards her with two coffee's in his hand. Arizona stared at Nick for what felt like forever before breaking her sight when she heard Teddy and Yang shuffling their way into the room. Arizona could feel her heart thumping in her chest again. She turned back to Nick, glancing at Callie who looked concerned. Arizona fumbled over her words, her body being pulled into Nick's once he set the coffees onto the nurse's desk. For a second Arizona hugged him back, until she found herself pushing him back.

"Why are you here? Why are you all in Seattle? What's going on?" She fired at him, Nick's constant grin that had been plastered on his face since he was seven years old fading slightly as she looked between Arizona and Callie. He sighed softly as he turned to lift the coffees again, kissing Arizona on the cheek quickly to make up for the short hug.

"I would explain it all to you, Flagstaff, but I don't understand half of the medical crap so I can only really give you about 20% of it. It's probably just easier if you come in and hear the fancy doctors talk about it, you'll understand it all. Hell, you can probably explain it to us a little bit better."

"I don't understand- talk about what, Nick? What's going on?" Arizona spoke, her voice ending with a whine when Nick just walked past and entered the room, throwing a grin over his shoulder before he disappeared. Arizona clenched her jaw as she stared at the door, her sight being broken by Callie who was now walking towards it, her face stuck in the mixture of confusion and concern.

"Arizona, what's going on?" She asked once more. Arizona ran her hands through her hair as she looked around the hallways, her mind playing a game of _Tug of War_ on whether she should leave or not. _Just leave. Leave now_ , she told herself over and over. _You don't need to go in. You don't have to do this_. But before she could turn to leave she was moving towards the door, entering the room and seeing the faces of people that she had only seen in photographs for so long. She focused her eyes on the floor for a second, partly because her legs felt weak and she was pretty sure her feet would stumble, but also because she just didn't want to look up. When she did she felt like someone had taken the air out of the room.

"Look who I found skulking about." Nick laughed, Arizona glancing at him for a second before finally taking a proper look around the room.

She could see Teddy and Yang stood next to the computer, a small smile on Teddy's face as she looked between what she thought was a happy family reunion. Arizona looked to Nick who had thrown himself down into the chair next to the bed, his legs swinging up over the edge as she smirked over his coffee. Then Arizona looked to the bed, her eyes falling on her dad. He looked older. He had lost most of his hair leaving him with just a small graze of grey hair here and there. His face had accumulated more wrinkles and hard lines, making him look even sterner than what Arizona remembered. He looked different but at the same time he didn't. He was still the same man that she had spent so many years with. He was still the same face that she remembered as being stern. And he was still the same father that she had walked away from.

Arizona was thankful when her mother breathed her name out and rushed through the room, colliding with her and pulling her into a bone crushing hug. Arizona felt like she had spent hours staring at her dad, but in reality she had looked at him for less than a second. But it was enough. It was enough for Arizona to look over her mother's shoulder as she hugged her to see the confused and concerned glances being exchanged between Callie and Teddy. Teddy was trying to mouth something to Callie, stopping when she realised Arizona was looking. Arizona coughed to clear her throat, tapping her mother's back awkwardly for a few seconds before pushing the crying woman away from her, forcing the best smile she could manage onto her face. _It all felt surreal_. It was strange. The atmosphere in the room was swallowing Arizona up as she walked further in and leant against the fall wall. The room was still silent apart from her mother's cries and Arizona knew why. Her father hadn't said _anything_. They hadn't looked at each other again and he hadn't even acknowledged her walking into the room. Arizona turned to Teddy and nodded her head for her to begin, Teddy frowning before coughing to clear her throat.

As Arizona stood there, staring at the floor, all she could think about was how much she wished she was at home. She regretted walking into the room and wished, more than anything, she had listened to her head this time.

/

It had been ten whole minutes of Arizona skipping her eyes between the computer screen and her shoes, ignoring the burn of Callie's stare into her. She could feel it constantly. It was like someone was pointing the burning sun at her. She had let herself look at her once and then decided she couldn't do it again. The look of confusion, concern, worry. It had been all over her face and it made Arizona want the ground to swallow her up. So instead of looking at her father, or her mother, or Callie, she was looking at her shoe. Arizona stared at her shoe for what felt like ages, only looking back up to the screen when what Teddy was saying caught her attention.

"The tumour is making you lightheaded and causing you to pass out, hence the dislocated shoulder. Although it's malignant, it's spreading quickly through your other organs at a pace that I've never quite seen before. The scans that we've completed today are showing considerable growth since your previous ones, meaning-"

"Wait a minute, _previous_ scans?" Arizona spoke, her voice sounding scratchy. She looked to Teddy who just looked to Callie before looking to her father in her bed. It was only then Arizona realised she was going to have to look that way again. She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked to the bed, her father looking straight ahead at the computer screen as though she hadn't even spoke. She couldn't stop the weak laugh that came from her, her mouth opening and closing when Nick spoke up, turning himself to sit properly in the chair.

"Scottsdale, I can explain…"

"Explain _what_ , exactly?" Arizona snapped, looking back to screen where the scans littered everywhere. Arizona pushed herself off the wall and took a step forward, hearing Nick sigh softly as he set his coffee down on the small table next to the bed.

"Your dad was diagnosed about a month ago with this _thing_ but all the doctors back home say they won't touch it because of the size and where the thing is. They said chemo won't work, basically meaning his was a sitting duck, you know? The last time we spoke you talked about the heart doctor here and how good she was- how good all the doctors here are. So here we are. Someone has to do something, Phoenix, we can't just leave it. It's a death sentence. Someone has to try something."

"Wait a minute," Arizona spoke, a small laugh of disbelief slipping from her lips as she raised her hand to stop Nick from speaking, "are you telling me that you've known about this for a whole month?"

"Arizona…" Her mother tried, silencing straight away when Arizona looked to her and raised her hand once more. She couldn't deal with her parents right now so she focused her sight on Nick, her eyes staring into him.

"No. You're telling me that you've known about this for a whole month and not one of you could pick up the phone and tell me? You decide to come to Seattle and not one of you could tell me you were coming? Why didn't any of you say something? Why didn't you tell me, Nick?"

"I didn't know whether I could tell you, you know that. Come on, don't be like this, Tucson." Nick spoke calmly, his voice still laced with the same laid-back, joking manner it had been his whole life. Arizona frowned at him before looking to the screen that was scattered with large grey areas of tumours, another laugh leaving as she ran her hands through her hair.

" _Don't be like this_? I've just been blindsided by something all of you know. You all knew and not one of you thought to tell me something?"

"It's not like you're around all of time. It's not that easy to get in touch with you when you're on the other side of the country."

"Don't you dare," Arizona snapped, her voice coming out harsh and making her mother speak her name softly once more, trying to calm her but making no difference as she glared at Nick across the room, "Don't you _dare_ try and say the reason you didn't tell me was because I'm not there. You know why I'm not there. I _live_ here, Nick. I _work_ here. But that doesn't mean I don't get told things. That doesn't mean you pretend that I don't exist, or that I don't matter."

"Really? Because right now I can't tell whether you're more pissed about the fact that you were the last to know instead of the fact that your dad has a football sized tumour in his chest." Nick snapped, standing up from the chair and stepping closer to the bed in an arrogant way that made Arizona's blood boil.

"Maybe we should all just take a minute, a little breather to digest everything." Teddy spoke, Arizona not even turning to look at her. She was focused on Nick and his smug smile that wouldn't leave. She knew she wasn't angry at him. She had come to terms with his smugness and arrogance when she was fifteen years old, but right now he was the easier one to be angry with. And he knew that, which is why he was still smiling a soft smile at her, his head cocking to look at her.

"I should have known, I should have been called." Arizona snapped at Nick, hearing Teddy sigh and her mother try and speak once more, this time to be cut off by Nick.

"Why? What difference would it have made if you have known a month ago? Would you have come home? Because you haven't exactly been willing to get on a plane for anything else that's happened."

"I have a life here, Nick! I have a job that I just can't walk away from. Not everyone is you, not everyone gallivants around the world for a few months before crawling home at the end of it when you realised you have nothing to show. Not everyone can just-"

"Stop!"

Arizona felt her open mouth close when her father's voice barked through the room in a way that made her mind flash back to her childhood. She felt like she was seven years old again and running in the supermarket. She was thirteen years old again and arguing over going out with her friends. She was seventeen years old again and coming home later than she should have. She finally looked to the bed to see her father looking at her, his eyes burning into her in a way that they hadn't in so long. She _hated_ the way it still made her feel. She hated the way her hands were shaking. The way her legs felt week. The way she had to clench her jaw not to cry. _She hated it all_. A silence settled through the room, the clock ticking for a few seconds before he spoke once more, Arizona jumping at the sound of his booming voice that sounded just as loud now as it did when she was seven.

"Arizona, you're disrespecting me in front of my family, in front of your mother and in front of my doctors. You disrespected your mother by speaking over her and raising your hand and you disrespected these doctors who are here to help me. You don't need to be here. You're not my doctor. Leave now."

"Daniel, she's not-" Arizona's mother spoke, quietening when his voice spoke again in a low grunt.

"Leave. _Now_."

"Are you serious? I'm disres- you know what? Forget it. You want me to leave? Fine, I'm leaving."

Arizona paused for a second as her eyes turned to her mother, watching as the woman just opened and closed her mouth, not saying anything. Arizona wanted to laugh at how unsurprised she was, shaking her head and ignoring the way Nick was mouthing _sorry_ to her as she walked out of the room. She held her composure until she was out of the room, Callie's whispering of her name as she walked past her making Arizona's lip quiver and her eyes fill with tears.

She walked straight down the corridor without looking back, her hands batting away the tears that were threatening to fall.

/

Arizona looked up when she heard footsteps breaking through the silence that she had been in for the last half an hour. She watched as Callie walked closer to her, eyeing her for a second as she crossed her arms. Arizona just looked at her, a tired smile on her face. Callie looked more tired than she had in the morning, a long surgery most likely having filled her day. Arizona stared at her long hair for a moment before looking back down to the small baby in her arms. A small smile tugging at her lips as she took in the sight of the sleeping bundle wrapped up in a blanket, her fingers moving to pull the blanket away from his face.

"He's small." Callie spoke after a minute, walking to perch herself on the edge of the seat next to Arizona, peering over at the baby. Arizona nodded as she watched the baby open his eyes, looking startled for a second before just looking up her.

"Well, you came a little early didn't you? But you're going to be okay. Your lungs are improving with every minute so I think you'll be just _fine_." Arizona spoke down to the baby, grinning at him when he waved his arms about and spluttered a little. She grabbed his tiny hand with her finger and felt the grip against it. It was enough to distract her. She focused on the small grip around her finger for as long as she could. Her focus only breaking when the baby wasn't enough to distract her from the heart breaking way Callie spoke her name.

"Arizona…"

"His mom died in my OR this morning and then his dad died in OR 2 tonight. He lost both of his parents in the same day and they never even got to meet him. He never got to meet his own parents. So I figured he could do with just being held, you know? I think if I was him I would want to be held."

"You can talk to me. I mean- I just want you to know that you can still talk to me. I'll always be here." Arizona looked up from the baby again to Callie, their eyes meeting and holding. She felt like she was drowning in Callie's dark eyes and it was enough. That's what she wanted. She wanted to just drown in her eyes, but she couldn't, so she looked away. Arizona stared at the baby for longer before unclenching her jaw when she heard Callie speak, "Arizona, please."

She felt like nothing had changed. Like she had met up with Callie after a long, hard day and she was now talking to her about it. She missed that. She missed the way they used to climb into bed at the end of the day, Callie's arms weaving around her waist and pulling their bodied _impossibly_ close straight away. They used to talk. They used to say if they had a bad surgery, or they had a difficult patient, or if they had a problem. Arizona _missed_ it. Because when she spoke to Callie the heavy weights that sat on her chest disappeared. The child who didn't get off her operating table didn't hurt as much, the father who screamed at her didn't echo in her ears as much and the child who she couldn't help didn't haunt her as much. Callie always helped lift the weights off her chest, and Arizona always hoped that she helped with whatever burden was on Callie's shoulder. They helped each other. That's just what they did.

Arizona glanced to Callie after another few moments had passed, the brunette moving further back into her chair as though to show Arizona she wasn't leaving. She meant what she said. She was here for her. Arizona felt the heavy, thick lump that had sat in her throat for the entire day waiting to be swallowed down and become the weight on her chest. She swallowed it down as she looked at the baby, her mouth opening and closing. She was scared to make Callie her help again, but she wanted it more than anything. So when Arizona opened her mouth once more she ignored the fear in the pit of her stomach and just spoke to Callie, because right now she just wanted her. She wanted to ignore the past, and the time, and the difficulties, and just be with her. Just speak to her.

"Everything changed when my brother died," Arizona spoke weakly, her voice cracking as she stared at the baby, "my whole life my dad taught me and Tim to live a life that was full on honour. To honour ourselves and our family. But overnight it _changed_ and suddenly I was told that I was living to honour Tim. Everything became about honouring Tim's name and his life."

Arizona sighed a shaky breath and stopped to lick her dry lips, Callie shuffling forward again in the seat. It was though she wanted to touch Arizona, to just place a comforting hand on her arm, but she was too scared.

"When I finished med school my dad told me that he wanted me to take the Medical Corps Exam and join the army as a medic. I didn't know how to look my grieving dad in the eye and tell him that I didn't want to, that I _didn't_ want to join the army and for once I wanted to just do something for me and not Tim. I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know how to stand up for myself because at the time I was so scared that only way to stand up for myself was to stand on Tim. And all of the greatness that he had been. So I took the test. And I passed. And they offered me a position, and all I could think was _I don't want this. This isn't me_. I didn't want to join because I didn't want to be like my dad. I wanted to be _nothing_ like him and I was scared that if I joined the army I would turn into him."

"What did you do?" Callie's voice was practically a whisper. Arizona looked up from the baby and over to Callie, shrugged her shoulders weakly.

"I told my dad that I failed the test. And he told me that I was a disappointment," Arizona snorted a little as she looked to the baby before looking back again, "he told me that I had always been a consistent trail of disappointments and that I would never be like Tim. That I would never be worthy of anything like Tim. So as he shouted at me to leave his house because he was too ashamed of his _disappointing_ daughter, I told myself I would never go back. And I never have been. I called home on the day I passed my Intern exam and my dad answered the phone. I told him and he said congratulations and for a few seconds I thought everything had passed, that time had healed everything and his grief wasn't clouding his judgement anymore. Until he said goodbye handed the phone to my mom. And that was it. It was the last time I spoke to him until this morning. I don't know why I ever thought he would change. I don't know why I ever thought that it had been grief clouding his judgement, because I spent my life so _painfully_ aware of his unjust judgement. I grew up with it every single day."

"Wait a minute, you haven't spoken to either of your parents since your Intern year?" Callie spoke shocked, leaning forward in her seat so she was closer to Arizona. A small line had formed in between her eyebrows as she tried to fight it away, confusion flooding her face.

"My mom didn't speak to me for a long time either because of my dad, but I called home when I was moving here to let them know and ever since we've sort of stayed in touch. We speak every few months or so."

"Arizona, how could you- why did you never tell me any of this? All those times we spoke about my parents, about my father… You used to tell me you were ringing your parents. You told me everything was fine with them. I thought you had a great relationship with them. Why did you never speak to me?" Callie spoke, her voice sounding soft and hurt. It was all laced with an overpowering sound of concern and it made Arizona's stomach swirl.

"When we met I had already spent years overthinking everything to do with my dad. I didn't want to go down that rabbit hole again- _this_ rabbit hole." Arizona gave one last glance to Callie before standing up and walking to the incubator that was a few paces away, slowly placing the small baby in her arms back in. She fumbled with the wires, reattaching them as she glanced over her shoulder to see Callie sadly looking at her.

"Besides, we didn't speak about our parents. The conversation didn't come up until your dad first came to visit. And when he came he destroyed you and you needed someone. You didn't need someone to sit and moan about their own parents to you, you just needed a shoulder to cry on. You needed someone to hold you and tell you everything was going to be okay. If I had sat there and complained to you about my parents it would have taken everything away from you in that moment. You needed me to _be there_ for you, so I was. Well, I think I was anyway."

Arizona fumbled with the wires for a second more as she heard Callie stand up from the chair. She closed the small door on the incubator, glancing in at the sleeping baby one last time before turning around. Callie was stood looking at her. She looked sad. _Guilty_. And it broke Arizona. She cocked her head to the side and watched the brunette for a second. She watched as Callie turned as though she was going to walk away before stopping, turning on her heal and closing the space between her and Arizona within second. Arizona just blinked at having Callie so close. Her smell filled her nose and it made the hairs on Arizona's arms stand up straight, a shiver following after. The already quiet NICU at night felt like it was standing still when Callie made one last step and was now pressed up again Arizona.

Both women just looked at each other. Arizona felt her mouth part slightly when Callie raised her hand and tucked a strand of hair behind the blonde's ear. She kept her hand there for a second more, moving it to Arizona's cheek. Arizona couldn't fight the way she flinched at the touch, her skin needing and wanting it so much but at the same time feeling like it was on fire. It all hurt too much. Having her this close, smelling her, having her hands on her cheek. It hurt. But Arizona didn't want to pull away, she would never want to pull away and that killed her. Callie had moved her hand slightly back at the flinch, but stopped and returned it. Her fingertips slowly ran on the skin of Arizona's cheek, moving down until the hand was cupping around her neck. Callie's eyes were searching Arizona's. She was looking for something and Arizona didn't know what. She didn't know what Callie wanted, or what she needed, but whatever it was she found it, her head moving impossibly closer.

Arizona's eyes fluttered closed at the feel of Callie's lips near hers. Callie hovered there for a second and Arizona couldn't focus on anything but the warm breath on her face and the way it kept hitting her lips. And then Callie closed the tiny space. Her lips were on hers. Her hand moving to curl into her hair as the other grabbing at her waist. Arizona practically whimpered at the feeling, her mouth parting and Callie's tongue hesitantly sliding along her bottom lip. It had been so long since they had kissed like this. Their last kiss had been frantic, in a supplies room after a moment of emotion. It had been _so_ different. It had been filled with so much pain and hurt, Arizona having being missing Callie so much. Arizona melted at the small moan Callie murmured into her mouth when theirs tongues ran against each other's.

And just like that it hurt again.

The last kiss had been painful because she had spent so long missing Callie. But things were different now. She didn't deny that she missed Callie, but she was more pulled together now than she had been in that supplies room. And now it _hurt_. Because she thought she had been pulled together, she thought she had been fixing herself. She thought the women that had come in between and the sleepless nights that had filled the months had helped. She thought her head was slightly clearer of Callie. She thought she could smell her shampoo and not want to cry. She thought she could eat Chicken Piccata and not thinking of Callie. But she was wrong. And this kiss was making sure she knew. This kiss _hurt_. This kiss was pulling her back into the darkness that she had tried to run away from, but just like a magnet, she was being dragged back. Everything hurt.

Arizona finally moved her hands from where they had been gripping Callie's coat, pushing them lightly against the other woman's shoulder and thankful when she pulled back straight away. Her face was washed over with confusion and concern, but also understanding. She _understood_ it, and Arizona loved her for that. She loved Callie for understanding things about her that sometimes she didn't even understand.

"Callie, we can't- I can't. Too much time has… We just can't. It's not fair on you, or me. It's not fair." Callie stepped back, a space now between the women. When Arizona looked down she could physically see the gap on the floor, it made her heart plummet. She looked to Callie one last time, swallowing down the thought she had to just kiss her again. To just throw caution to the wind and be with her _._ __ _Fuck it, you love her, kiss her._ She ignored the thought and moved to walk away, turning back when Callie spoke.

"Sometimes when I'm in bed at night I think about that day when I told you I never understood you. And every single time, I hate myself for saying it. I hate myself because of how stupidly and insanely wrong I was. I wanted to understand you, Arizona. I thought I did. And maybe, I don't know… Maybe I didn't, but that was never your fault. I should have tried more. I should have listened to you more. I should have made _you_ more. I was wrong, Arizona. Maybe I didn't understand you and maybe I still don't. But that has never been your fault. It's always been mine. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for hurting you by saying that, and by not trying more, and by not making you my _everything_ when I should have. I'm just… Sorry."

"I'm sorry too, Calliope." Her name rolled so easily off Arizona's tongue that she wasn't ready for the way it stung afterwards. Callie nodded, cocking her head to the side and shrugging her shoulders. A small smile tugged at her lips, causing the tears that had pooled in her eyes to run down her cheeks.

"I miss you."

"I miss you too."

Arizona looked at Callie for another second and was thankful when the brunette turned and walked away first, a defeated look on her face. She watched her go and didn't say anything. She didn't call her name like she wanted to. She didn't run down the hallway after her and grab her like she wanted to. Because at the end of the day, even when they're both lay in bed staring at the ceiling and unable to sleep because they love and miss each other so much, nothing has changed. They both still want different things. They would both still hurt each other. And Arizona loved Callie far too much to hurt her any longer.

Time may have made it easier to do things, and to think things, and to see her. But time didn't heal anything. It was always still going to be there, it just made it easier. Time hadn't changed any of the things that were wrong in the first place. Time hadn't made them different people, it just made it hurt less when Arizona realised that they weren't different. That nothing was different.


	4. The Unexpected

Arizona's whole body shook as she leant against the nurse's station in the hospital lobby and yawned, her mouth dropping impossibly low and pulling on her jaw line. As she handed the chart in her hand over to the nurse, she used her other hand to cover her mouth. Her eyes watered as she offered an apologetic smile to the nurse, a small passing comment being made between the two about it having been a long night. Arizona just nodded as she stood and leant her whole weight against the desk, her elbows down on the surface and her face dropping into her hands a second later. She rubbed her palms over her face, her fingers working against her closed eyes, as she listened to Yang and Grey bicker and gossip on the other side of the desk.

Arizona sighed weakly into her hands, letting out a groan when she thought about her warm bed at home that she missed dearly. She had spent the rest of the night running back and forth between a critical patient in the PICU and a tiny premature baby in the NICU, both of them stubbornly refusing to stay alive as soon as she left the room. Sleep had come in bursts of twenty minutes, every time her eyes shooting open when a nurse shook her awake. Or her pager vibrated against her head. Or she remembered her dad was two floors beneath her, asleep in a hospital bed. The thought of her dad would wake her and then stop her from sleeping again, her mind running over everything like a never ending train of thought. She would sit for five minutes and convince herself to go and see him, check whether he was comfortable and okay. But then she would stop and really think for a minute. Why should she go? She didn't really want to. She was going because she felt like she had an obligation to, that she needed to speak to Teddy and play the role of the worried daughter. But she didn't want to see him, or speak to him, or have him look at her with same eyes that she saw in her head every time she closed her eyes to sleep. So every time that her body would move to get up, her brain would take control and stop her. She spent an entire night of not only physically running back and forth from the PICU to the NICU, but her mind spent hours switching between caving into a visit and standing her ground.

So now she was tired, impossibly drained. And she wanted to go home to the bed that she hated but still resented the amount of time she got to spend in it. But she couldn't. Her day off had been spent slaving away in the OR, only to lose the patient, followed by the night spent observing. She was back to her usual work day, the hours of her working week clocking up to a ridiculous amount. Arizona pushed herself away from the desk when Yang and Meredith's gossip session had turned into chatter about their sex life, Arizona drawing the line there. She turned on her heel and headed in the direction of the cafeteria, needing a bitter cup of coffee in her body if she was going to make it through the morning rounds of Interns stumbling over their words with a smile still on her face. Arizona stared at her feet as she walked, scuffing her shoe when she noticed a piece of paper stuck in the wheel on her heel. She looked up after a second, her eyes dropping onto Callie who was turning the corner and walking towards her. Her hair was pinned back at the sides, allowing waves to fall naturally at either side of her face. It made Arizona swallow thickly as she thought back to the kiss they had shared last night. Just the memory was enough for Arizona's lips to tingle and the hairs on her arms to stand up tall. Callie _missed_ her. Her chest ached as she watched the woman walk towards her, Callie's concentration deep in the chart that she was reading. Arizona knew she was staring but she couldn't stop. Callie looked up a few moments later when she bumped into a nurse, an apology rolling off her lips before she looked forward and her gaze fell on Arizona.

Arizona stood still for a moment, her teeth chewing on her cheek inside her mouth hard enough for it to hurt slightly. She dropped the skin of her cheek a second later when she watched Callie's lips tug into a smile. A real, proper, genuine, smile. It felt strange after having spent so many months with just glares, sneaky glances and the longing stares when the other wasn't looking. Now Callie was openly smiling at her. Arizona's mind struggled for a second to wrap around the concept. She felt like she was getting emotional whiplash. They hadn't spoken for over six months, they weren't even friends. No conversation had passed between them but medical chatter and formal talk over scans, and charts, and patients. Arizona had finally come to terms with that, and suddenly they were kissing. And talking. And smiling. _Callie was smiling at her._ It was her real smile as well, not the one she saved for patients of family members, but the one she used to have her on her lips when Arizona woke her up with a kiss. This was her proper smile. Her friendly smile. Were they friends now? What had that kiss really meant? What had talking really meant? Arizona felt dizzy with confusion but still smiled back, her heart hammering in her chest as she noticed Callie was now walking towards her. She was coming her way. They were going to talk again.

And just like that the hammering in Arizona's chest stopped, literally. Because her mother was appearing from the same corner that Callie had just come around. She had a coffee in her hand as she peered round, looking almost lost. Arizona felt completely frozen as she just watched her mother scan the lobby, their eyes meeting for the briefest of moments. Arizona's stomach plummeted, far, and panic soared through her bones. She was too tired to deal with her parents right now. She didn't want to think about her father right now or that fact that he was knocking on death's door. So Arizona ignored the look of confusion tugging on Callie's brows and bolted, her feet taking her down the hallway to her right. She shot in the door the led to the conference room, shuffling until she was hidden behind the wall that looked out onto the lobby. Callie was stood looking dumbfounded until she turned her gaze fell upon Arizona's mother who was now walking quicker and heading towards the hallway she had just watched her daughter flee down. Arizona clenched her jaw and held her breath as she watched her mother stand at the end of the hallway, her eyes looking around and then staring through the windows into the conference room. She squinted to look through the blinds and Arizona stood frozen like a statue, praying her mother didn't walk through the opened door that led out to the lobby. A small breath only leaving her when Callie called her mother's name.

"Mrs Robbins, I have the paperwork that we were discussing this morning. You just need to sign here, here, and then here for me," Callie spoke as she walked towards the woman, stopping and pointing at the place on the paperwork, "remember that he needs to rest the shoulder and if it gets stiff the exercises I showed should help him. Regular painkillers should work if he needs to take them."

"Thank you for your help, Dr Torres, it's been much appreciated," Arizona watched her mother take the forms from Callie, glancing through them quickly before tucking them under her arm. Callie just flashed a smile, her work smile for patients and family, "I was wondering, you don't happen to know where Ariz- Dr Robbins is by any chance? I thought I just saw her but when I asked one of the nurse's to page her earlier they said she must be in surgery because she didn't answer."

"Oh," Callie spoke quickly, her mouth hanging for a moment as her eyes glanced over to Arizona in the room behind so quick that the older women didn't notice, a smile washing over Callie's face a second later to cover the panic, "I think I read on the board that she is in surgery actually. You know what us surgeons are like, we're always being pulled into things, out time is never really our own."

"I understand."

"I can let her know that you were looking for her, if you like?" Callie asked, Arizona watching her mother just nod and say _thank you_. Callie nodded her head and smiled once more before turning on her heel and heading to walk away, having successfully managed to stop the older woman from following. Arizona stood frozen still as her mother wasn't moving. She wasn't turning to come for her, instead she was watching after Callie. Confusion washed over both Callie and Arizona when her mother spoke a little louder for Callie to hear her a few paces away.

"She spoke about you once."

"Excuse me?" Callie asked as she reclosed the distance she had just made, hugging the chart in her hand to her chest and cocking her head to the side. Arizona watched as her mother sighed softly, the smile on her face the complete opposite to the one on Callie's. She looked on edge, her plastered fake smile faltering as she looked around at the people weaving around them.

"You're Callie, aren't you?"

"I, uhm… Yes." Callie mumbled, her brow furrowing in the centre and causing the adorable line to form in the centre her brows that Arizona loved. She used to draw her finger down it whenever Callie was frowning, the line dispersing seconds later.

" _Arizona_ , she spoke about you once. She rang me and I heard you in the background. She was talking about some fancy new surgery that she had tried for the first time that day and how the patient was doing great and then she stopped talking for a second and I could hear someone in the background. I couldn't hear that they said but whatever it was, it made her laugh. A small, little chuckle just. I asked who she was speaking to and she mumbled your name before moving on. It was the first time I had heard my daughter's laugh in years."

"Mrs Robbins…" Callie drawled out, her hands hugging the chart closer as she sighed. Callie's eyes flickered over to Arizona once more, unable to see the blonde but knowing she was there. Arizona leant against the wall and watched as Callie looked back to her mother, a sympathetic and soft smile on her face.

"Please, call me Barbara."

"Okay, _Barbara_ , I don't- I can't speak about Arizona with you. It's not right, she- I don't think she would want me speaking with you about her. I can't get involved in this."

"I've made some mistakes and misjudgements in my life that I can't deny. I made some questionable choices about drug use when I was seventeen and with my stoner boyfriend of the time, I bought a ruined car for a silly amount of money when I was twenty-four because I was too stubborn to listen to my father who said it was rubbish, and I painted my kitchen at home the ugliest shade of green you'll ever see but refuse to repaint it because, again, I'm too stubborn to admit I made a bad choice. I've made mistakes. But marrying my husband certainly isn't one of those, I love him more than life itself."

"I understand." Callie spoke softly, a softer smile forming on her lips as she looked at the woman in front of her. Arizona felt like someone had taken all of the air out of the conference room as a way to force her out, her lungs feeling heavy in her body and her throat scratchy.

"He gave me two amazing children and somehow I've ended up losing both of them. All of the mistakes I've made in my life pale in comparison to what I've done with Arizona. She's my baby girl and I _left_ her because I thought standing by my husband was something I had to do even though I didn't agree with him. I know now I was wrong. And I know it's too late now for me to say all of this, but I just want to. I just want to talk to her because I haven't heard her laugh since that day on the phone. Our conversations have always been brief and revolved around her work because that's easy. I want to ask all of these question but I haven't because I don't know if I'm allowed anymore, and I don't blame her if I'm not. But I _don't_ know my daughter anymore. I don't _know_ anything about her. She laughed a lot when she was younger and I don't know if she laughs anymore. When she left she was still my little girl and yesterday I stood and looked at this powerful, intelligent, brave young woman in her doctor's coat and I wondered so many things. I just wish… I just want to know her."

Arizona watched as Callie stood for a second, a nod being her only reaction. She looked around the lobby, watching as people bustled past with papers and books stacked in their hands. Everyone was whirling past them at fast paces and Arizona watched as Callie's mouth pulled up at one side, her shoulder shrugging slightly as she looked to the conference room quickly before back to the woman in front of her.

"She laughs, all the time actually. Not so much recently because she being going through some things, but she laughs. She has this infectious laugh that makes everyone in the room laugh as well, even if they don't want to. Even if they don't find the thing funny, they'll laugh, because Arizona is. Uhm, let's see what else if there to know about her? She eats doughnuts at least twice a week and when she doesn't she gets really cranky, if anything her unhealthy obsession is worrying. She reads stories to the kids on her ward whenever she has a spare minute and does voices for all the different characters, she's so popular that they introduced a story time every Tuesday night were all the kids come together and people read stories to them for a few hours. Arizona always goes, _every_ Tuesday. She's pretty much everyone's favourite doctor here, and that's for doctors as well as patients. She's so kind and sweet, she'll stop whatever she's doing and help you if you need it. She's really good at getting up in the morning but usually around two o'clock in the day she starts to frown a lot because she's getting tired so she drinks an insane amount of coffee, another worrying habit of hers. She denies she does it, but she does. I don't know what her favourite meal was when she was younger but now she could eat lasagne pretty much every night of the week. I've never seen her exercise in my life, unless you count dancing. She _loves_ to dance. And she likes white wine, not red. And she's insanely stubborn, which I guess she got from you."

"Wow." Arizona heard her mother breathe, but in all honesty, Arizona felt the same way. She leant heavy against the wall as she looked through to the women. Her mouth had dropped in shock partway through Callie's speech and she wasn't ready to lift it quite yet. Callie had reeled it all off like it was nothing. Like it was easy.

"Arizona is… She's amazing. And I know that you may think it's too late to try and she may think that it's too late as well, but if I were you, I would never stop trying. Because knowing Arizona isn't just something that you get to have, it's a _privilege_. Having her in your life is a privilege."

"Thank you, Callie," Arizona heard her mother breathe, Arizona looking round the corner to see Callie just nodding her head as she started to step back, "for helping with Daniel, for telling me all of this, and for making my daughter laugh. Even if you're not now, you did once. So thank you."

Arizona stood for a second longer until her mother had turned and walked away, watching her as she disappeared towards the stairs and headed up them. Once she was out of sight Arizona turned back to the lobby to see Callie now on the other side of the nurse's desk, sharing the chart in her hands with Kepner. Arizona looked on as Kepner chatted away, her finger pointing to places in the chart and questions rattling out of her mouth that she answered herself before Callie could even try, a smile forced onto her face as she just nodded. As Arizona stepped out of the room and back into the lobby Callie looked over, the smile on her face soft and sweet. Arizona looked at her for a second, cocking her head to the side before mouthing _thank you_ and seeing the smile on Callie's face spread wider. It made Arizona heart thump in her chest as she turned to walk away, needing some fresh air.

They were going to be friends. That was good. She could be her friend.

/

Arizona leant against the wall as she watched the two paramedics in front of her finish stocking up the ambulance, swinging the back doors closed before hoping in the front and reversing the vehicle. Arizona looked up to the sky when an echo of thunder shuddered in the distance, the dark murky clouds above showing every sign of a heavy down pour. The air was thick and murky, the weather now entering into the long summer. Arizona eyed the clouds for a second before looking back down, her eyes scanning the entrance to the ER. She watched as two family members argued for a second, what she assumed were a brother and sister arguing over their mother. Their voices echoed around the space making Arizona glance around to see who else was listening, eyes falling on Nick who was sat on a bench puffing on a cigarette. Arizona rolled her eyes as she pushed herself off the wall and walked towards him, his eyes only noticing her just as she reached him and took the cigarette from his eyes.

"You are _literally_ sat right outside a hospital. These things kill, you know?" Arizona smirked at him, eyeing the cigarette in her hand for a second before she took one short puff from it, dropped it to the ground and stomped it out with her foot. She could hear Nick chuckling as she focused on the smoke being blown out of her mouth, regretting it instantly when the taste lingered.

"Yeah, I think I heard someone say something about the whole _cigarettes kill_ thing, I think it's all just a rumour though." Nick joked as the blonde perched down on the bench next to him. Arizona smiled softly as she looked at her shoes for a second before looking to Nick who was watching the same argument she had noticed earlier. Arizona took in the scruffy beard that littered his face, something he didn't have the last time she saw him. She racked her brain for a second trying to remember the last time that had been, swallowing slowly when she remembered it had been a week or so before she left for Baltimore and he left to travel South America. Arizona stared at his face, small wrinkles now pulling at the sides of his eyes and a flicker of grey showing in his side burns. He looked worn out, just as tired as she was.

"I'm sorry about yesterday," she spoke softly, Nick turning to look at her, "I wasn't angry with you- well, actually I was sort of angry with you but I took all of my anger out on you and it wasn't fair. So, I'm sorry."

"I get it, Phoenix, don't worry. I'm sorry too," he smirked at her, a look and smile being passed between both of them before Nick bumped his shoulder against hers and laughed softly, "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." Arizona practically whispered as she looked back down to her shoes, Nick moving closer on the bench to throw his arm her shoulder and pull her closer. She held herself against him for a moment, his body feeling warm as he gripped at her and placed a loud, sloppy kiss against her forehead. Arizona laughed and shoved him back slightly, the laugh coming from Nick taking her back to her childhood. She really had missed him.

"You know, you should speak to your dad. He really isn't-"

"Nick, please. I don't want to talk about him right now, I just want to sit here with you." Arizona groaned as she played with her stethoscope around her neck, holding onto it as she dropped her head to the side to see Nick nodding and just smiling at her. Silence settled between them both as they both sat back on the bench, looking up to the sky when a small drop of rain fell onto Arizona's hand.

"Okay, so if you won't speak about your dad, how about we talk about the hot bone doctor that your mom thinks is your girlfriend?"

"What?" Arizona choked a second later, a strained laugh coming from her. She tried to keep her face neutral as Nick pushed forward to look at her, eyeing her face for a second before letting out a chuckle.

"Ah, so she _is_ something then. God, your mother is good." Nick laughed as she sat back again, throwing his arm over Arizona's shoulder and pulling her close. Arizona sulked in silence for a second before sighing.

"What are you- how did she know all of this?"

"When we were in the ER she was working on your dad's shoulder and some tall guy with a jaw line that could cut glass came over and called her Callie, the next thing I know your mom is pacing next to the bed and saying that she remembers the name. She was off on some wild goose chase to find out whether the Callie helping your dad is the same magical Callie that you mentioned on the phone over a year ago or something. I don't really know, you know what the woman is like, she won't stop until she knows everything. But anyway, if your mom and your reaction just now weren't enough to confirm it for me, the way she looks at you is. So, is she your girlfriend? Or are you just sleeping with her? You know, keeping is _casual_ like you usually do."

"I really don't want to talk about this either." Arizona grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest and huffing as she looked back to the arguing brother and sister, watching as they bickered over who was going to stay with their mother overnight.

"Come on, Phoenix, _humour_ me here." Nick chuckled after a second, Arizona ignoring him. He just laughed to himself for a few seconds more before Arizona sighed. She opened her mouth, closing it, before opening it again and finally speaking.

"Fine. She _was_ my girlfriend but we broke up months ago, happy? Now we're just… I don't even know what we are now. It's confusing."

"That sounded like there's still feelings, is there?" Nick asked, Arizona just remaining silent as she stared at her shoe, "Really? After all this time? Did someone finally tame you after all those wild college and med school years? I didn't speak to you much during your residency but my guess is you were pretty wild still."

"I love her- I _loved_ her. I don't know." Arizona mumbled softly, Nick shuffling so that his arm was still around her shoulder but he could look down at her easier. Arizona didn't want to look up at his eyes, the history between them enough for her to break down crying at any second over something she didn't need to, not want to, cry over.

"Wait a minute, you actually _told_ her that you love her?" He asked, his voice laced with shock as he watched Arizona pick at her pants.

"Yep."

"You said those three magical words to another woman and you meant them?"

"Yep."

"Well, _shit_. I'll be honest, I never thought the day would come. After all those tragic years of women opening their hearts to you and crying out their love for you to break up with them, this is somewhat of a shock," Nick teased, laughing loudly until she stopped when Arizona turned and threw a few punches his away, "Jesus, stop I'm sorry… So if you love slash loved her, why did you break up?"

"She wanted kids." Arizona whispered softly as she continued to play with her pants, looking up the sky when she noticed rain was starting to fall. She pulled her legs closer to stop the drops that were splashing down off the roof covering them.

"Ah, so clearly not _everything_ about you has changed since I last saw you. You may be some badass surgeon who is saying _I love you_ for the first time to people, but you're still sitting strong on the no kids policy."

"Of course I am." Arizona muttered in a slightly irritated voice, looking to Nick. He turned and looked down at her, the smile on his face erasing the slight annoyance that washed through Arizona. She chewed on her lip, running it back and forth between her teeth.

"But you loved her?"

"More than I've ever loved anyone."

"Then give her what she wants, Phoenix. I mean, look at you. You can say loved all you want, but you're still in love with that woman. If she's the one then just give her kids." Nick spoke, his voice giving off every bit of maturity he had gained in the years he had grown up without being in her life. Arizona just groaned as she pushed forward and turned to face him, his arm dropping from around her shoulder and hitting the bench with a small thud.

"Come on, Nick, it's not as _simple_ as that. I thought you of all people you would have understood this, you grew up with me and Tim. You saw the way things were, you _saw_ the way my dad was." Arizona complained, staring as Nick just laughed softly as he shook his head and crossed his arms over his chest. Arizona stuck her head forward slightly in disbelief and confusion, Nick stopping his laugh when he noticed she was getting irritated but shaking his head once more.

"I'm not with you on this one, sorry," He laughed, sighing and turning his body more to Arizona when he saw the pissed off look on her face, "I get it, I was there, okay? I saw the way you dad tore you and Tim down when you were growing up, you especially. I saw how you struggled with him. But you can't let that hold you back from things, definitely not when it's something you want. It never held Tim back, he wanted a shit load of kids once he met someone. He wanted to be a _great_ dad."

"I'm different to Tim." Arizona muttered as she sat back in the same position as before, Nick returning his arm around her shoulder and pulling her into the shape of his body.

"I know you are, but-"

" _But_ nothing, Nick. I don't want that, I can't- maybe you're right, maybe I do love her. And maybe me not having kids with her is a mistake because I'm losing someone I love. But I'm okay with that mistake, because I know that if I did have kids with her I would regret it. I _know_ that. It would be the biggest mistake of my life because I'm not that person. I would ruin those kids and that's not fair. It's not _fair_ to have kids that you can't love properly, I learnt that the hard way. I won't do that to- I just can't. I'm not mother material, okay?"

"I think that's bullshit." Nick spoke, his voice changing from usual cheery tone that he had spent his life mastering to a slight irritated and snappish one. Arizona looked to him and noticed his brows now furrowing, a mixture of concern and anger washing over his face. He stared at her, both of them just wanting the other to crack, before Arizona eventually sighed and looked away.

"Can we just let it go."

"But you _love_ her. She's the only woman you've ever said _I love you_ to. That means something, Phoenix. She's the only woman you've ever loved and you could have her if you just-"

"We don't know that, a lot of time has passed since we broke up. She might not love me anymore. We're friends now." Arizona grumbled as she bent to tie her shoelace again, hearing Nick groan behind her.

"Come on, I've seen the way she looks at you. I'm not blind."

"Nick, _please_. Can we just let this go now? I don't want to talk about it," Arizona grumbled as she sat back up and turned to look at the groaning man next to her, flashing him the best glare she could manage, "I need coffee. Are you coming with me or not? Only come if you promise not to mention either my dad or Callie."

"Fine, I promise."

"Thank you." Arizona smirked at him as she stood up from the bench. She heard his sigh as he pushed himself up from the bench as well, the rain now falling heavy and thunder echoing in the distance but closer than it had been before. Arizona walked a few paces before hearing Nick speak once more.

"Arizona, have you ever stopped to think that maybe sometimes what you want and what you fear are the same thing?"

/

Arizona had wondered how long she could avoid her family. She wondered how many days she could go without going to her father's room, without seeing him and without speaking him. She got her answer on day two when she found herself stood outside the room looking in. _Two whole days_. That's all it had been since she had stormed out of the room. That's all she had managed. She felt pathetic and stupid for being there and all it was doing was adding to the anger in the pit of her stomach that was always there whenever she thought of her father. She had worked long hours in the hope I would distract her, thankful for the influx of Peds cases that had been rushed into the ER yesterday after she spent an hour catching up with Nick. She had gotten home late last night and climbed straight into bed with Chewie, curling up next to him and barely having a second to grumble about how he was beginning to smell before she had fallen asleep. Today had been different though. The ER had been quiet. The board had been quiet. Everything was just _quiet_. So now she was at her father's room, her feet walking for her to enter, and her whole body regretting it the second she was in his room and looking at him.

Arizona was a few steps into the room. Neither her mother nor Nick were here, just her father sat up in his bed reading a book. It took him a few seconds to finally look up, his eyes widening when he realised the steps entering his room weren't that of a nurse's or Teddy's, but Arizona's. Arizona wanted to smile, but she couldn't. All she did was stare at him as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her coat. Seconds passed in silence, her dad not fully setting his book down and Arizona not moving. _Do something. You should never have come. Say something._

"How are you?" Arizona asked weakly, watching her father just clench his jaw before lifting his book back up and continuing to read. It was like a punch to the stomach. She snorted and nodded as she stepped forward, grabbing his chart from the end of the bed and reading through it. She noticed that Teddy had a resident coming and taking his vitals every half an hour, an unnecessary measure she was most likely doing due to it being her dad. Arizona knew if she had a patient that was a friend's child she would do the same thing. Arizona glanced at the chart for a second more before placing it back into the holder and looking back to her dad.

When she had seen him two days ago she had noticed the quick things like the loss of his hair and the grey colour that the remaining parts had turned. Now she was noticing the way his cheeks had sagged and his neck was looking weaker. His face was peppered with a grey, scruffy beard that looked strange on her father. She had never seen him with a beard before. He always been groomed, professional and sharp in clean clothes and shined shoes. She looked at him for a second more before he looked up and met her eyes. His were cold and dark, something that Arizona hadn't forgotten in all the time that had passed. They hadn't changed her whole life. She wanted to run away in the same way she did when she was six and he looked at her with those eyes, but she didn't. She glued her feet to the floor and her eyes to him, refusing to give in. She was a grown woman now. She wasn't running away from her dad. _Not now._

"Why didn't anyone just call me? Why didn't _anyone_ tell me about this and just let me know?" Arizona broke through the silence a second later, expecting to be met with more silence and trying to swallow her shock when her dad spoke back.

"You haven't spoken to this family in nearly ten years. You ring your mother for a brief ten minute phone call every three months and every single time she is always upset when she gets off the phone. You haven't been home in nearly ten years. _Why_ would we tell you about this?"

"I could have helped if I had known…" Arizona tried weakly, her voice losing some of it sharpness and strength. Arizona clenched her jaw to try and pull herself back together, watching as her dad set his book down and frowned at her.

"You had no right to know."

"No right? I'm part of this family," Arizona snapped, her anger peaking when he began to shake his head and look out of the window at the dark night, "I deserved to know. You've come across the country to the hospital I work at, I had a right to know you were coming. I had _right_ to know all of this."

"You haven't acted like you're a part of this family in a long time. You haven't acted like a daughter so why should we have told you?" He snapped, his voice raising only slightly but enough for Arizona to feel like she was a child being scolded. Her hands were shaking in her pockets and she didn't know whether it was anger, nerves or fear. She swallowed thickly as she shook her head in disbelief.

"You haven't acted like a _parent_. I'm not the one who was ever in the wrong. I didn't- I didn't do anything. You left me. You were the parent. And you abandoned me, your own child. _You_ were the parent." Arizona spoke, her voice cracking part way through and only making her angrier. She refused to cry, but as per usual when she was around her father, she could feel tears threatening her eyes. Her father just sat there and looked at her, his face emotionless before he lifted his book and looked at it, his shoulders shrugging before he looked over the edge of the book and spoke.

"There was nothing you could have done anyway, Arizona."

"No, it's not just _Arizona_ here, okay? It's Arizona Robbins, M.D. I'm an attending paediatric surgeon. I completed four years high school, four years of college and four years of med school. I spent eight years as a surgical resident at one of the best programmes in the country. I was Chief Resident. I completed my fellowship in the best programme and then I became Head of Paediatric surgery. I'm not a _disappointment_ , dad. I'm a _doctor_. I'm the most qualified person in this room to help you. I could have helped you. I could have-"

Arizona stopped speaking when the tears that had been threatening to fall now pooled in her eyes, her vision blurring and her voice shaking. She noticed her dad slowly drop the book in his hands, looking clearly at her now but his face still not changing. Arizona opened her mouth to continue speaking but stopped when she realised the tears weren't going away. They weren't leaving with just a blink. She chewed on her lip as a tear fell down her cheek, her hand wiping it away quickly before she turned on her heel to see Teddy stood at the door, Yang a few steps behind her.

"Arizona…" Teddy spoke softly, her eyes flickering between the blonde and the patient in the bed. She stepped into the room but stopped when Arizona just shook her head, not looking back to her dad as she left the room as fast as her feet would carry her. The tears in her eyes needed to fall and she refused to do it in front of everyone again. She stormed down the hallway in search of the nearest on call room.

/

Arizona slipped through the door and closed it behind her, leaning back against it and closing her eyes as a sob wracked through her body. _She could have done something. She could have helped._ She held her hands against the wooden door on either side of her body, her palms spreading out as she cried into the room. _She was part of the family_. When another sob escaped from her lips she opened her eyes at the sound of movement in the room that wasn't coming from her. It took a second for them to adjust to darkness of the on call room, the only lighting coming from the lights outside.

Arizona felt her stomach plummet when her adjusted eyes showed Callie pushing herself up in bed, Arizona's name rolling off the sleepy brunette's lips. Callie pushed herself up until she was sat on the bed, her legs curled under her. Her scrub top had been discarded next to the bed and Arizona glanced at the long sleeved purple shirt that she had been wearing under it. Callie's hair was fuzzy and sticking up on the right side of her head like it always did whenever she had a serious sleep. Arizona stood frozen against the door, tears still falling from her eyes silently.

"Arizona?" Callie spoke once more as she fumbled sleepily until she was sat on the edge of the bed, her feet touching the floor. Arizona couldn't help but look when the blanket fell from around Callie's body to show that not only had her scrub top been removed, but her pants too, leaving her in just a purple shirt and underwear. Arizona was sure if she wasn't midway through a breakdown she would be having one anyway from the sight in front of her. _She's your friend_. Her heart thumped in her chest and she didn't know whether it was because of her father or Callie, all she knew was it was possibly due to her not breathing. She sobbed once more when she tried to breathe, Callie looking startled as she rubbed at her eyes and stood up from the bed. Callie made two steps before stopping, distance still between her and Arizona. She didn't know what to do. It was written all over her face and all it did was make Arizona cry more. She had opened a floodgate and it wasn't going to stop.

" _Arizona_." Callie whispered softly, painfully, her voice filling the dark quiet room. Callie ran her hand through her hair and sighed weakly, sounding like she was annoyed at not knowing what to do. Not knowing what she _could_ do. Arizona held her hand up and shook it, gesturing to Callie to go back to bed. She forced a weak laugh from her mouth that turned into a sob after a second, Arizona hoping she had cut if off quick enough for Callie not to realise. The look on Callie's concerned face saying otherwise. Arizona blubbered for a second more before forcing words onto her lips, trying to look less crazy.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in here. Ignore me, I'm fine. I'll be gone in two minutes, three tops. Go back to bed." Arizona mumbled as she ran her hands over her face to wipe away the tears. She kept her hands on her face to shield her eyes as she cried into them for a few seconds more, flinching when Callie's hands wrapped around her forearms. She was tugging softly at Arizona's arms, wanting her to remove them from her face. The blonde put up a weak fight for a moment before removing them to see Callie had now closed the space, swallowed the away the uncertainty, and was now fully in front of Arizona looking at her with pleading eyes. _Soft_ eyes.

"Don't do that." Callie whispered into the room, Arizona looking away from her. Her eyes were too close. They were all Arizona could see and she was more than sure that she would never be able to stop crying if they were all she looked at. Callie's eyes were too soft. Too welcoming. Too much like home. She couldn't look at them right. Arizona leant her head back against the door and looked up to the ceiling, hearing a soft sigh come from Callie. A second later Callie's hand was on her cheek, pulling her face back down. Arizona had no choice but to look into the dark brown eyes in front of her. But she wasn't crying anymore. Staring into Callie's eyes had stopped her crying and Arizona didn't know why. Maybe it was because Callie was so close it was making her heart beat funny. Maybe she had ran out of tears. Or maybe, and Arizona was pretty sure it was this one, that she just wanted Callie. In the moment, she just wanted her. She wanted to kiss her. Everywhere. She wanted to touch her. Everywhere. She wanted to be with her again. She wanted to ignore the pre-tense of friendship and just be with her.

So Arizona kissed her. _Hard_. Hard enough for Callie's feet to stumble back slightly, Arizona stumbling with her due to the way Callie's hands had weaved into her blonde hair almost immediately. Arizona could hear her pulse racing through her ears as she pushed her lips hard into Callie, barely a second later running her tongue over her bottom lip. She wanted to kiss her properly again, to kiss her fully. She moaned softly when Callie happily opened her mouth and continued the kiss, their tongues winding and circling around each other's. Both women moaned softly as they kissed, Callie's hands running through Arizona's hair as she just gripped at Callie's shirt, running her hands down the side of her body until she reached the bottom of it. It had risen up slightly and when Arizona tickled her fingers against the skin, Callie moaned and broke from the kiss. Arizona panicked, her fingers stilling. She didn't want this to end. She just wanted Callie, more than ever. Her nerves settled slightly when Callie didn't pull away, her face still close enough to Arizona's for her to feel her warm breath on her face.

Callie was looking for something and Arizona didn't know what. She didn't know what to give. All she wanted was for Callie to be kissing her again, to make every sense in her body go into overdrive and not give a single damn about what was going on outside of the room. She just wanted to be in the room, whole heartedly. Maybe her eyes showed that, or maybe Callie could read her mind. But whatever happened, it was enough. Because Callie moved back forward and gave Arizona the softest kiss she had ever felt, Callie's lips only grazing her lips for a second before she moved along her jawline, her tongue tracing the entire thing. Arizona groaned loudly, her fingers clawing at the material of Callie's shirt as she tugged it up, Callie pulling back for a second to have it pulled over her head, before returning to suck on the spot just below Arizona's ear that always made her moan loudly. _She remembered_. Arizona had missed this. No one else knew how to make her feel like this. No else knew that just one kiss there was enough for Arizona's legs to go weak.

Callie kissed and sucked her way along Arizona's jawline and down her neck, only returning to her mouth when Arizona had grabbed her face and pulled her back up, needing her mouth on hers again. They kissed intensely and desperately, as though both of them were looking for something in each other. They both needed something from the kiss. Callie gripped Arizona's scrub top, and the shirt she had been wearing underneath it, pulling them off in one clean swipe, discarding them on the floor. They kissed frantically and eagerly as they undressed each other, Arizona removing Callie's underwear as the other woman pushed her scrub pants off and removed her bra whilst Arizona kicked her shoes off and stepped out of her pants and underwear. She noticed the cold spread over her body for barely a second before Callie pulled her back, their bodies pressing against each other and Arizona groaning as her legs went weak at the feeling.

Arizona dragged her mouth to Callie's neck, wanting to hear the moan that she had missed so much whenever she kissed her neck. It echoed around the room as she ran her tongue over areas she had sucked on, her teeth nipped at skin before she kissed it and sucked the skin into her mouth. She knew she was most likely marking her, but Arizona didn't care. If anything, in that moment she wanted to mark her. She wanted to leave something. She nibbled on her ear, hearing Callie hum as the brunette ran her hands up Arizona's body and ran a nipple in between her two fingers. The shock to her system caused Arizona to bite down on Callie's neck, a moan coming from both women at the same time. Arizona pressed her backwards until they were falling down on the bed that was still warm from where Callie had been sleeping. Arizona manoeuvred her body until she was hovering over Callie and in between her legs, looking down at her. They were both breathless already and Arizona wondered whether her heart was going to beat out of her chest. She stared into Callie's eyes and for the first time in a long time she didn't mind being this close to her eyes. She didn't mind staring into them. She stared for as long as she could because she had missed them. Callie smiled softly up at her, raising her hand and tucking strands of hair behind Arizona's ear before grabbing her cheek and pulling her back down for a kiss. A slower kiss. A deeper kiss. Arizona broke from the kiss and ran her lips down Callie's body underneath her, trying to kiss every inch of her. She wanted to kiss every part of her that she hadn't kissed in so long. As she took her nipple into her mouth, Callie's back arching off the bed and a moan leaving her lips, Arizona ran her hands down her body. Her fingers tickled over skin. Callie's arch caused Arizona to press into her, her thigh running over her and Arizona using every bit of strength not to fall apart at the feeling of Callie's wetness against her. _She was wet. She wanted her_.

Callie's hands were in Arizona's hair as she moved to the other nipple, taking it into her mouth and swirling her tongue around it. Arizona was losing focus. Everything was becoming Callie. She needed more, so as she continued to kiss Callie's chest she ran her other hand up her thigh, stopping just before she reached the area that Callie was begging for, and running it back down. It made Callie arch again, running herself along Arizona's thigh. Arizona couldn't handle it anymore, she fumbled until her leg was moved, her hands running back up and sliding straight along Callie's wetness. She moaned softly as Callie moaned loudly, her head pushing into the bed. Arizona kissed her neck softly as she slid a finger into Callie, followed sharply by a second. She didn't want to tease, she didn't have it in her. They both wanted this. Callie arched her back before moving her hips, her nails on one hand dragging through blonde hair while the other came to Arizona's neck and grasped onto it.

Arizona kissed at Callie's jawline as she began to move her fingers in a slow motion. She moved with her hips, pushing in and out. _Everything_ was Callie in that moment. Her moans were filling the room and Arizona hushed softly in her ear, Callie biting her lip to fight her moans before turning her head and burying it in the crook of Arizona's neck. Her hips began to buck against Arizona's hand and even after all this time, Arizona knew she wanted more, she needed more. She slipped a third finger slowly into Callie and felt nails dig into her skin, Callie's own way of marking. She moved over and over, feeling Callie tighten with every passing minute. She didn't want this to stop. She never wanted it to end. But every time she heard Callie whimper into her neck she realised that she wanted nothing more than to see Callie come, to hear her come. Callie bit down on her shoulder making her curl her fingers within the woman, searching for that spot that always pushed her over the edge.

She could feel her shaking underneath her. She was tightening around her fingers and every time Arizona curled them Callie would whimper softly, both of them moaning too loud but neither of them caring at all them. Arizona searched for her spot that she once knew so well, the months in between them now showing as she ran her tongue along Callie's neck.

Then just like that she found it. Her fingers rubbing and curling against it just a few times before Callie arched off the bed, her moan echoing around the room, and her body tightening everywhere as she came. Hard. Arizona moved her fingers slowly until Callie came down, her hips dropping back down onto the bed and breathing sounding ragged as she dropped her head down onto the pillow. Arizona slowly removed her fingers, Callie groaning at first before a low, hearty chuckle came from her. Arizona looked down at her, swallowing hard. She was beautiful. She was amazing. _She loved her. She was so insanely, stupidly, and uncontrollably in love with the woman beneath her_. She stared at her for a second, Callie lay trying to even out her breathing before she moved over on the bed to give Arizona space to lay down. Arizona dropped down a moment later, a grin on her face that she didn't think would ever leave. They lay in silence but Arizona didn't care, because she was with Callie and that was enough.

Arizona opened her eyes after a few minutes when she felt movement on the bed, looking to see Callie now pushing up on her elbow and staring down at her. Really staring. She was looking for something and it made Arizona frown. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off my Callie kissing her. Her tongue moving through her mouth as though it was exploring an area it had missed. Arizona ran her hands through her hair like she had wanted to for so long, marvelling in the length of it through her fingers. She kissed her so deeply that it wasn't until Callie's fingers literally ran along her and slipped into her easily that she had even realised what was happening. Her eyes shot open and her head pushed back as she groaned, Callie moving to her neck and beginning to suck on it the same way Arizona had done to her. She was going to mark her the same. She was going to leave her the same. Callie hushed in her ear the same way she had done and she moved her fingers at a fast pace, pulling them out and moving them back in straight away to curl them. She hadn't forgotten Arizona's spot and she was hitting it over and over, kissing Arizona to swallow her moans.

"Come for me."

/

Arizona opened her eyes and squinted them straight away when the room that had been dark was now lit brightly with the rising sun outside. She lifted her arm to cover her eyes, just smirking to herself when it ached. She lay for a second more before rolling to the side, expecting to be either met by Callie's face or her hair. But instead there was nothing. No one was there.

Arizona was surprised at how quick her body moved, sitting up in bed to see her clothes neatly folded and sat in a pile at the bottom. That was it. That was all that was left. The only reminders of the night were her neatly folded clothes, her naked body, and the way everything ached. Her muscles groaned every time she moved, her back stinging. She stretched behind herself when she wondered why, the memory of Callie's nails flashing clear in her head after a second. Arizona grabbed her clothes and began to get dressed, dropping back onto the bed to pull her shoes on. She tried to ignore the sinking in her stomach. She pretended the sick feeling wasn't there. She also pretended the ache in her chest wasn't there. What had she expected? To wake up and have Callie curled up with her? For them to kiss and act like nothing had happened? For Callie to be completely understanding of how confused and messed up she was but still be there anyway?

No, of course not. She would never expect that of Callie. But that didn't mean that this hurt any less. That didn't meant that there wasn't a small part of her that thought Callie would be there when she woke up. She never thought Callie was the type to sneak out of a room before someone woke, like it had been a mistake. She did that and she always thought Callie was better than her. That's when the wave of pain hit Arizona, the spray of realisation that Callie viewed this is a mistake. Sure, Arizona didn't know exactly what this meant but it wasn't a mistake to her.

Arizona wanted to cry but she refused to. She swallowed down the tears as she stood up and began to get dressed. She hadn't expected this and it hurt. She wondered whether Callie was walking around the hospital filled with guilt and regret. Whether she had woken and headed straight for a warm shower to wash off the shame of the night before. Had she become a regret to Callie? They were meant to be friends now. This wasn't meant to happen. She hadn't expected this.

But recently Arizona had gotten used to the unexpected. She could handle this. If Callie saw this as a mistake, a moment of weakness, then so be it. She didn't blame her for it, she just didn't agree with her. She took one last glance at the messy bed before walking towards the door, swallowing away her thoughts and blinking away the tears that weren't going to fall today. She wasn't going to cry anymore.

Still, she hadn't expected any of this.


	5. Gone

Arizona felt the steamy air of the bathroom hit her as she stepped out of the shower.

She wrapped the towel tighter around her body as she walked over to the steamed up mirror, stretching forward and wiping her hand back and forth across the surface until she could see her reflection. Her body ached. She spent the morning squeezing in back to back appy's before running from the hospital before something else pulled her into the OR, climbing into bed and sleeping the rest of the day away. She wanted to be angry at herself for sleeping through the whole day, telling herself she wasn't in college anymore, but deep down she didn't care. She had wanted to spend the day in bed and frankly she needed the sleep. She always needed the sleep.

Arizona ran her hands through her wet hair as she looked in the mirror, tugging her fingers through knots and stretching for the moisturiser that sat next to the sink in front of her. When she lifted the bottle into her hands and began to squeeze it she stopped, peering into the mirror and squinting at what caught her eye. She wiped at the re-steamed surface again to clear it once more before looking back at the small mark that had caught her sight. Arizona stared at the bruise that stood out against her skin. She ran her fingers over the first bruise she noticed on her collar bone, her fingers skimming the weak yellow mark that was only noticeable if someone was really looking for it. She swallowed slowly at the sight of it before shaking her head, continuing with squirting the moisturiser onto her hand and spreading it over her arms. She moved her wet hair that clung to her neck, swinging it over onto her back and stilling once more when it revealed another bruise. This was one was clear. No one needed to strain their eyes to see this one. Arizona stared at the mark on her neck, a mixture of red and yellow that was popping against her pale skin.

As she looked at it she remembered it happening. Her eyes trying to blink away the memory of Callie working her fingers in and out of her. Arizona had been letting out an unstoppable moan that had built in her throat, Callie just grinning as she buried her head into the blonde's neck and relished in the sound of hearing Arizona underneath her once more. She had grazed her teeth along her neck, nipping at it before sucking it up into her mouth. Arizona could remember the way Callie had smugly smiled down at her with pride after Arizona had managed to catch her breath, but unable to move her legs again. Her lips had kissed at the sensitive area, softly and sweetly compared to the way they had made the mark.

Arizona ran her fingers over the bruise on her neck, wishing she could wipe it away. She wished it was a dirty mark that could be erased. Because now when she stood and looked on the bruise on her neck she didn't have the same thumping heart in her chest, or the shaking in her legs, on the tingling sensation in the tips of her fingers. She just had a sinking in the pit of her stomach, stinging in the back of her eyes, and the memory of waking up alone.

For a second she would feel angry at Callie for not being there, before she remembered she had no right to. If she was Callie, would she have stayed for cuddles and conversations the next morning? She wasn't sure. They were messy. _Too_ messy. All the lines that had been drawn between them were blurred and Arizona panicked at the thought of it. _Callie was her ex-girlfriend. She was her friend. She was her acquaintance. She was someone she used to love but now didn't know_. Arizona had no idea what Callie was anymore. And she guessed the Callie didn't know either. How could she expect her to want to stick around and deal with the mess that had been left alone months ago? She couldn't. She _didn't_. Arizona had been the one to walk into the room and pounce on Callie, she had been the one to instigate it and push it. She was the one who wanted it. So now she needed to deal with the fact that Callie didn't want it. And that was okay, she was _okay_ with that.

She just wished everything wasn't such a mess. Arizona rubbed at the bruises harder, not caring that it hurt to press against them.

/

"I have had the _longest_ day ever. I had a bypass that took forever, I felt like I was literally in the OR for years. Then I had to deal with Yang who got all pissy because Derek wants the residents spending time on different specialities for the week. So I ended up with Charles Percy, have you ever worked with him? Jesus, he's slow. And I mean really _slow_. Plus he stares at the one that looks that Tinkerbell literally all the time. How she doesn't know…"

Arizona kicked her apartment door closed as Teddy walked through, dropping her bag and discarding her coat down onto the couch to the dismay of Chewie who scrambled out from underneath. Teddy was kicking off her shoes and untying her hair whilst still rambling, her hands swinging about to emphasise points, but Arizona had stopped listening moments ago. She was making her way over to the kitchen and pulling out two wine glasses, grabbing the nearest bottle of white she could see before opening it. She poured a small amount into one of the glasses and lifted it to her lips, swallowing the contents quickly and sighing softly as it ran down her throat. Teddy had stopped talking and was now watching as Arizona filled the two glasses to the rim, her eyebrows raised.

"Wine?" Arizona asked after a second, lifting her own glass and taking a mouthful as she pushed Teddy's glass across the kitchen island.

"Uhm, yeah sure. Is everything okay?" Teddy asked warily as she walked over and lifted the glass, flashing a small smile over the rim at Arizona before she took a sip and set the glass back down. Arizona just nodded as she leant against her kitchen island on her forearms, her still wet hair falling around her neck and irritating her.

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?" She mumbled innocently, Teddy just sighing as she spun her wine glass and stared at the blonde in front of her. Arizona stared back at her, peeling her wet hair off her neck and not breaking eye contact until she moved for another drink of wine.

" _Really_ , Arizona?"

"What?"

"Okay, fine. Let's not talk about your dad being in the hospital, or whatever the hell is going on between you two," Teddy laughed, Arizona just nodding her head appreciatively, "I want to talk about the substantial looking hickey that I can see on your neck from here, anyway. Was it that nurse from Plastics that's been staring at you in the cafeteria for weeks?"

"No, it was Callie."

Arizona had mumbled it so softly and calmly before sipping her wine that the mouthful that Teddy had just taken in caught in her throat and choked her, rushing back up to her mouth as she coughed before she swallowed it back down. Arizona just watched as Teddy coughed for a few moments, her eyes watering as she tapped at her chest. She lifted her wine and took another mouthful to clear the catch in her throat, settling the cough and leaving her breathless for a second with bewildered look on her face.

"Callie?" She spluttered, her voice an octave higher than it should be and her eyebrows basically entering her hairline from the shock on her face. Arizona chewed on her lip. She felt nervous for some reason, as though she and Callie had been her own little confusing secret. But she was too confused now. It was too much for just her head to understand.

"Yep."

"How? When? _Why_?" Teddy muttered confusedly as Arizona pushed away from the island and headed for the couch, setting her glass down onto the coffee table before scooping Chewie up and dumping him onto her lap once she was settled. He curled back up into a ball straight away, Arizona tickling her fingers across his scalp as he let out little groans.

"Uhm, well this," Arizona pointed to her neck, her wet hair now covering the bruise, "is from last night."

"Last night?" Teddy just repeated, moving to sit next to Arizona and pulling her legs up underneath her as she sat and stared at the blonde.

"Yep."

"Arizona, I'm going to need a little more here. What happened? Are you two back together?" Teddy asked quickly, her voice a strange mixture of excitement and hesitation. Her face matched, with her high eyebrows showing how pleased she was but the lack of smile showing how she was trying to reserve her excitement.

"After I spoke to my dad I walked into an on call room upset and she was in there. I kissed her and I don't know, one thing led to another and we had sex."

"You had sex, just like that? You haven't spoken in months and just like that you have sex? How wild is the sexual tension between you two?" Teddy asked, her eyebrow arched curiously as her gaze burned into the side of the blonde's head. Arizona was fumbling with the tv remote as a distraction, flicking through the channels. She had hoped talking about it with Teddy would remove the weight from her chest, but she was wrong. She didn't want to talk about it. She didn't want to try and work out what everything meant, what her and Callie were now. Arizona ignored Teddy until she kicked her foot against her thigh, snapping her attention back.

"We've spoken," Arizona defended weakly, "Callie told me my dad was in the hospital and we've spoken a little since then. Just friendly conversation, you know."

"No, Arizona, to be honest _I don't know_ ," Teddy laughed for a moment before narrowing her eyes and squinting at Arizona, making her squirm on the spot. "What aren't you telling me?"

"We may have a kissed a couple of times as well."

"What? Why am I only just hearing this? When?"

"Well, remember my Sarcoma patient, Alex, that I had a couple of months ago? On the day of her surgery I panicked and when I walked into a supply room to take a minute-"

"-Callie just happened to be magically in there. Predictable." Teddy muttered as she gulped her wine, glancing to the tv where the news was on in the background before looking back to Arizona who was rolling her eyes.

"Anyway, Callie was in there and we spoke for a moment before kissing but she pulled away and left. Then we kissed a couple of days ago, when my dad was admitted."

"And she pulled away again?" Teddy asked apprehensively.

"No, I pulled away that time."

"So let me get this straight to see if I have everything correct. A couple of months ago you and Callie kissed in a supply room but didn't have sex up against the ER gowns and IVs because she pulled away-"

"Sort of correct."

"Then you both kissed again a few days ago and you pulled away this time, I'm guessing it was because you think too much time has passed but at the same time everything is the same and you're both still pining for each other and everyone is heartbroken and all that bullshit. Correct?"

"Again, sort of correct."

"Then you walk into an on call room last night upset and, again, Callie just happens to be magically in there. This time you kiss her and you both have sex."

"Correct."

"Okay, so I guess what I'm slightly confused about here is, _why_? _Why_ do you still look absolutely heartbroken? _Why_ are chugging wine? And _why_ do I get the feeling that you're about to hit with me with a speech about how it was a big mistake so you snuck out of the room this morning and left poor Callie alone?"

"I wasn't the one who left, she was." Arizona huffed sadly, leaning to grab her wine and running her finger around the rim of the glass as a distraction. She could hear Teddy let out a small huff of breath in shock.

"Well, shit. I didn't see that one coming."

"I didn't either," Arizona muttered, looking over to Teddy with big sad eyes, "I didn't tell you about any of this before because I didn't know what any of it meant. I didn't know what the kisses were or how I felt about them, I just know I felt something. And that's all I knew I felt this morning, _something_. And then she wasn't there, she was gone so I didn't know what to do. She left, like I meant nothing to her. And I can't blame her for it, I don't, because I know how much time has passed. Everything is different now but at the same time it isn't. She's met other people, been with other people, and I'm still just me. I'm still just Arizona who doesn't want kids, so why would she stick around? I can't blame her for leaving, it just stings a little, you know?"

"Arizona, maybe she had surgery. Or a patient. Did you ever think that? It could have been anything, you don't know. Have you spoken to her?"

"She would have woken me. If she got called into surgery when we together she would always wake me to let me know she was going, so I wouldn't wake up and wonder where the hell she is. She didn't wake me. I'm a light sleeper and I didn't even hear her leave, which means she was sneaking."

"Do you not think you're maybe jumping to conclusions here?" Teddy cocked her head and looked to Arizona's unchanging face, letting out a small sigh, "Okay, so let's say she did sneak out. Maybe she panicked. Maybe she is just as confused about all of this as you are and she didn't know what it meant. See it from her point of view, you both kissed the other night and you pushed her away, and the next thing she knows you're getting all hot and naked in an on call room. You're sending some mixed signals here, Arizona."

"I'm confused." Arizona huffed, slouching down and ignoring Chewie when he groaned at the movement.

"So is she," Teddy laughed, "Arizona, come on, give her a chance. Even if you don't want to be together, even if you don't want to be her God damn friend, give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't sneak out of the room. She deserves that. Just talk to her about it."

"I don't want to talk, that's why I'm drinking."

"Do you know how exhausting it is rooting for you two?"

/

" _Come on, Phoenix, just go and speak to him. It's a big day for him. Now's the time."_

Arizona turned the corner and walked straight into the room before she could stop or convince herself to leave. To just turn around, walk the other way, and pretend she wasn't doing this. Her feet felt heavy as she walked into the room, having dragged them the whole way there. Nick's voice from the morning was ringing in her head, the blonde having regretted to meet him for coffee when she woke with a hangover and then had to deal with the entire talk of the coffee-date revolving around her father.

Arizona looked up as she walked into the room, her dad sat in his bed reading a newspaper. She walked to the end of the bed and stopped at the small table that was littered with a tray of food, Arizona eyeing the unopened items. Her father looked shocked to see her in his room when he finally looked up, his eyes widening for a brief second before he looked back down. She was invisible again. Arizona stood and swallowed thickly, ignoring the voice in her head. _Just leave, he doesn't care. You don't care really._ If she didn't care, why was she here? She sighed weakly as she tugged on the lapels of her coat, gripping the material in a fist and coughing to clear her throat.

"I just thought I would pop in to say a quick good luck before you're surgery," she spoke softly, her dad peaking his eyes over the newspaper as he turned the page, "Teddy is a great surgeon so you have nothing to be worried about. You haven't eaten any of this have you?"

"I'm not worried." He grumbled. Arizona just watched her father continue to read the paper as she couldn't help but feel like she was speaking to one of the kids on her Peds ward, her temper flaring insanely quickly due to the already present headache.

"Jesus, do you hear how childish you sound? Maybe I never noticed before because I was too young but you're ridiculously childish. I came here to wish you luck with your surgery, just say thank you."

Arizona heard a small, snide chuckle leave her father. She had to clench her jaw to stop the scream that wanted to leave her mouth, feeling it claw up her throat. She stood and looked at him for a moment. His stubbornness was clear to see, written all over his features. His hard-set jaw line. His narrowed eyes. His creased and wrinkled forehead. She shook her head before letting out a small breath of air that sounded like a laugh, turning on her heel to leave the room. She needed to leave before the words climbing her throat like an army of words tumbled out. She didn't want to say them. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her bite. But she was too late, her legs not moving quickly enough, as she turned on her heel and glared back at the man in the bed.

"What can you not just forgive me? Why can you not just let it go? Forgive me for whatever it is you _really_ hate me for because I don't know what it is, deep down I don't know what you're blaming me for and it's exhausting trying to work it out- trying to work you out. So just forgive. What is it that you're holding against me still?"

"You were raised to honour your country," her father snapped, dropping his newspaper and looking her right eye long enough for her to squirm on the spot, "you were raised to protect the things you love. You walked away from that, Arizona, not me. So stop blaming me for something you chose to do. _Stop_ asking me for my forgiveness and deal with your own guilt for abandoning your family and not honouring your brother in the way I taught you to."

"I walked away from it? You pushed me away, you told me to leave. Why does everything come back to honour with you? You talk so much about honour, well what about me? Where the hell was the honour for me?"

Arizona snapped, her voice shaking as she spoke. It wasn't from tears, but from the anger that was swelling thickly in her chest. It felt like someone had lit a fire in the pit of her stomach as she glared at her father, their eyes never breaking. They were both too stubborn. Usually she would run, she would hide from his stare, but she was standing her ground. She refused to back down one more time when it came to him and all of her anger was keeping her glued to the spot. It was all coming out.

"You don't deserve my honour." He spat after a minute, his voice harsh and cruel. Arizona laughed incredulously as she looked at him, her hand running through her hair. Her legs felt heavy and she needed to move them, pacing for a second further into the room before stopping, turning back to her dad when her voice came out weak and childlike.

"I mattered as well… I _matter_ too. You left me and that's all on you, not me. I hold no guilt over any of my decisions. You were the ones who left me. How about you sit and honour that."

"You don't deserve my honour, Arizona," he barked, his voice louder and booming against her low one, "you failed me, your mother and your brother. You _failed_ your family."

"Jesus, how blind are you? How haven't you worked this out? I didn't fail the damn test, dad. I passed it. I pretty much got a full score on it, they even offered me a job. Did you really think that someone who failed the Medical Corps Exam would be a resident at Hopkins?"

"What?" He muttered as he sat further up in bed, his brows furrowing deeply and changing his face completely. Arizona couldn't remember ever seeing her father confused before, but she was seeing it now.

"I didn't want to join the army so I lied to you and said I failed the exam. You wouldn't listen to me any other way. I thought if I failed you would have to let it go, but then you told me to leave. So you left me, okay? I _didn't_ walk away."

"Come on, Arizona. We didn't leave you like some small child on the street corner. You were twenty-five, you were a grown woman."

"You're right, you didn't leave me when I was twenty-five. You left me long before that. Do you really think I would have gone to the effort of taking the exam if I wasn't trying to avoid the inevitable? I had gotten used to you not being in my life by then, mom not so much so that was hard, but you? I was very used to you being missing. You left me the day you looked down at me and decided I wasn't good enough for you and that I never would be. When you decided I wasn't worthy of the same love as Tim. The day you decided you could only love one of your children was the day you left me."

"Do you blame me? Your brother was courageous. He fought for his country, died for his country. He died out there and when you're given the opportunity to help his legacy and change what happened you didn't. How am I supposed to love a child that is weak and scared? I didn't raised you to be weak."

Arizona stood for a second and let out a laugh of disbelief, her hands running through her hair as she tried to cool the temper that was burning in her throat. She had an ocean of anger swirling around in her stomach, bashing against the sides every time she breathed. Arizona just stood and looked at her father for a second, wondering how they ever got to this point. Whether they could have stopped it before this. But at the same time, she wondered how it took so long to get this point.

"You don't get it, do you? What happened when I chose not to join the army was just the nail in the coffin that I had been building for twenty-five years. Every time you punished me instead of Tim for something I didn't do, or for your bad mood, or because you just wanted to yell. Every time you ignored me and played with him. Every time you stood and gushed over how amazing he was whilst pretending I didn't exist. You telling me to leave was the last nail in a coffin that was built on every memory I have of you. I have no good memories. So I buried our relationship. I sit there and I try to think of something to tell people, a story about us, and I can't."

"I raised you both to be like me, and Tim was, but you never were. You always pushed against me, refused to accept things for what they were. He had commitment and courage, he was-"

"Exactly, you raised us to be like you and then hated me when I wasn't," Arizona snapped, her father's jaw clenching so tight she could see the muscles contracting, "I was never going to be like you, dad, because I didn't _want_ to be. Not everyone can be like you and thank God for that. I just… I just wanted a dad. I didn't want you to be my Colonel, I wanted you to be my dad. I would sit there and hear other kids tell stories of sitting on their dad's knees, or riding on their shoulders, and I would look at you and know that would never happen. I just wanted to you be my dad and you never understood that. You never understood that I wasn't your job, I was your daughter."

"Do you think you would be the person you are today if it wasn't for me?" He asked with a snide laugh that Arizona clenched her jaw hard enough for the tears that she had been keeping at bay to fill her eyes, "Do you think you would have gone to that special residency and now be doing your fancy job in this big hospital if it wasn't for me? I made you like that. I made you _worthy_ of this."

"You ruined me!"

Arizona's voice echoed around the room for a second before silence settled. Her dad just stared at her. Arizona could feel herself shaking, her eyes now blurred from the tears she could no longer hold back. The anger had swarmed through her whole body and now she couldn't control it, the room still eerily quiet with just the sound of her beeping machines interrupting. She watched as her dad coughed slightly to clear his throat, pushing himself up to sit straighter on the bed. He looked shocked. Uncomfortable. She had never raised her voice at him like that. She had never seen anyone raise their voice at him. Arizona stood in silence, wiping away the tears that escaped from her eyes quickly before speaking in a lower tone.

"I made me like this. I fixed me after you broke me. I did _all_ of this. I have no doubt that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you. And I wish every single day that you hadn't been my father because of that."

"Okay, Colonel Robbins, I'm going to prep you for your surgery now, do you have any…" Arizona swung round so see Yang strolling into the room, her voice fading as her gaze flickered between the seething man in the bed, the tears streaming down Arizona's cheeks, and the chart in her hand. Arizona held her hands up to show she was done, looking back to her father once more and just shrugging her shoulders. _She was done_.

"Go ahead, Yang. I'm done." She muttered before forcing her feet to move, moving towards the door and feeling herself still when she took in the sight of eyes all on her.

Her mother. Nick. Teddy. Callie. They were all stood near the nurse's station outside the room in a small gang, shock colouring all of their faces. How long had they been there? Her mother had tears in her eyes, her mouth parting as though she wanted to say something but didn't know what. Nick looked guilty, moving to walk towards her but stopping when Teddy grabbed his arm. And then there was Callie. She looked heart broken. Arizona just eyed them all for a moment, finding some solace in her brown eyes, before she turned and stormed down the hallway. Ignoring the shout of her name from Nick.

/

Arizona lifted her head off her arms when she heard footsteps, her eyes catching Callie appear in the doorway at the far end of the galley. She looked stressed as stared through the glass window, down into the OR. Arizona pulled her knees close to her chest as she watched Callie turn to leave before stopping, her head looking over her shoulder and her eyes falling on Arizona who was sat on the gallery floor with her back to the window. Callie let out a small sigh of relief, a smile washing over her face over as she walked down the steps and made her way over to the blonde.

"I know I'm not allowed to be here. Don't tell Derek, technically I'm not watching." Arizona joked, Callie just nodded her head as she sat down on the floor next to her, stretching her legs out in front and letting out a small breath. Arizona rested her chin back down on her arms that were crossed over her knees.

"I've been looking for you everywhere."

"I tried charting for a while to distract myself but I couldn't think straight. I then tried working in the NICU but Derek came and told me that I wasn't a doctor today, I was a family member, so I needed to go the waiting area. I couldn't sit there with my mom staring at me with these big, wet, puppy dog eyes and this horrible silence, so I left. And I guess I somehow ended up here."

"Do you want me to see if I can get an update from Yang on how it's going?" Callie asked softy, silence settling between them when Arizona just shook her head. She wasn't sure how long they sat there in silence, maybe half an hour, but at some point Callie's fingers weaved through Arizona's. Arizona just sat with her chin on her knees as Callie scuffed her shoes together, both women thinking about the man with his chest cracked open on the table behind them, but neither looking nor mentioning it. Arizona's phone vibrating in her pocket pulled her from her thoughts, her hand fumbling out of Callie's to pull it out and read Nick's name flash across the screen. She watched as it continued to ring until it stopped, slipping the phone back into her pocket and sighing softly. Callie was now sat next to her, braiding a small strand of her hair.

"Do you think you're like your parents?" Arizona asked, Callie tearing her eyes away from the hair and looking to Arizona, her teeth chewing on her lip for a moment as she thought.

"Sometimes when I get irritated and shout at a resident I feel like my mom. I hear myself saying something like _you should know better_ or _use your brain_ and I have to take a minute because I sound like my mother. I'd like to think I haven't inherited her narrow-minded, selfish, egotistical, self-centered personality any more than using the occasional phrase. Why?"

"You know how people always say you grow up to be just like your parents? That you start talking like them and doing the same things as them. Well, when I was growing up that was my biggest fear, it still is really."

"Bigger than your fear of snakes?" Callie teased, bumping her shoulder into Arizona's and managing to get a small smile from the blonde.

"Do you think I'm like him?" Arizona asked after a moment, her voice weak and shaky. The tone had made it sound like she was asking herself more than Callie. Callie sighed weakly, dropping her hair and moving her head so she could catch Arizona's eyes.

"Arizona, I don't know your dad very well, okay? I haven't known him long, but I know that I don't need to see any more of him to know that you're nothing like him. You're not like that."

"I dreaded growing up and being like him. He's the reason I was a hot mess during my residency. Every single thing I did, I thought about him first. Would doing this make me similar to him? Is this something my dad would do? I was all over the place. And then I found something I like, something that wasn't like him at all. I was the perky, butterfly-wearing-scrub-cap surgeon who saved little kids and zoomed around the hospital on their heels. I say _awesome_ and _super_ like they're only words in my vocabulary. I was perky, everything he wasn't, and I liked it. But maybe now I'm thinking that perky isn't really me, because maybe you can't really change who you are. Maybe I am just like him and I can't help that, no matter how many _awesomes_ and _supers_ I throw into a conversation."

"Arizona…" Callie whispered weakly, her voice cracking as she watched tears silently fall down the blonde's face. She threw her arm around Arizona's shoulder a second later, Arizona trying to resist it at first before feeling herself being pulled into the curve of Callie. She was warm. She felt Callie lean down and press a kiss into her hair, holding it for a moment or two.

"I hate him," Arizona cried, tears falling from her eyes and a small sob shaking her body as Callie tightened her grip, "I hate him for making me so cautious of the way I am, and I hate him for ruining the best that I ever had. Which is you. You were the best thing I've ever called mine. And he _ruined_ that. Because the reason I don't want kids is because I'm terrified of them being like me. I don't want them to ever feel the way I felt growing up, or to sit in twenty years' time and be scared of becoming me. I don't want them to ever feel this way. I sat on a beach on Fiji with a sangria and tried to convince myself that I didn't need that in my life instead of kids, and it didn't take any convincing. Because I don't need Fiji, or Spain, or sangrias, Calliope. But I _don't_ want kids either. I can't have something in my life that needs me like I needed him, it scares me too much. Because even after everything, I spent my whole life just wanting him to want me back. Everything I did I hoped it would make him proud of me finally. I tried to make him proud all the time, to make him love me. I even stood there today and I asked for his forgiveness. So I _hate_ my father for that. And I'll never forgive him for it."

"Arizona, you wouldn't be like him. You're _not_ like him. You wouldn't treat your kids the same way he treated you." Callie spoke, her voice stronger this time as she pushed until Arizona was moving away from the curve of her body and looking at her. Callie looked a mixture of everything. Angry. Hurt. Heart broken. _Pleading_. Arizona glanced at the glass window above them. For all she knew her dad was dead. He could be on the table right now dying, Teddy using the panels in an attempt to restart his heart.

"I don't think I can be here," Arizona mumbled after a second, "I can't sit here when he's down there. I'm praying for him to live for my mom, and because I'm a doctor, but not for me. I don't… I can't be here."

/

Arizona sat on the other side of the nurse's desk staring into the CICU room in front of her. Her eyes took in the sight of the nurse removing the breathing tube from her father's throat, her mother crying happily as he spluttered and took a drink of water. Arizona didn't know how long she had been sat there. She had entered him room every hour to check his vitals. She told herself she was just waiting until he woke up, she just wanted to know whether he was alive. She just waiting until she saw him awake and then she was leaving.

Arizona watched a casual conversation strike up between her father, mother and Nick. Nick was cracking jokes that had them all chuckling, even her father smiling. She stared at the scene until her sight was broken by Callie walking into view, her feet walking into the room when she noticed Arizona's dad was awake. Arizona watched as Callie scooped his chart up and began to read the vitals on the monitors, asking the nurse to page Teddy.

"Dr Altman is on her way now to speak to you about the surgery. She'll update you on how everything went."

Arizona sighed softly as she stood from the chair. She needed coffee, lots and lots of it. _He's awake. You can go now._ As she made her way around the desk she looked back into the room one last time, seeing Callie stood checking the equipment and flicking buttons on the screen. Arizona stilled when she heard her mentioned.

"Arizona came in to check on you every hour, Daniel. She stayed all through the night." Her mother spoke in a hopeful voice, Arizona waiting for the response and regretting it when she just heard a grunt come from her father before he turned to Nick and asked him about sports results. Arizona just stood there, swallowing the anger in her stomach. She only looked back into the room when Callie didn't appear after a minute like she had expected her to, noticing Callie setting the chart down and staring at her dad from the end of the bed.

"You called her a disappointment. You made her feel like she was never good enough. You blamed her when there was no blame to be placed and then you left her when she needed you. Probably when she needed you the most- when she needed her family the most. Arizona is not a _disappointment_. She's kind, humble, generous and selfless. She's the most incredible person I've ever met. But you ruined her. Both of you did, one of you more than the other, but _both_ of you left her. From the very first day you made her think that was anything but phenomenal, or remarkable, or rare, you _ruined_ her. And for that reason alone I will never ever give you the respect that you believe you deserve, because in my eyes you don't. You ruined something perfect, and I don't know how to fix. I don't know how to make her believe that she can be everything- that she _is_ everything- she wants to be. I don't know how to do that. I just thought you should know."

Arizona watched as Callie shrugged her shoulder in a nonchalant way, running a hand through her hair and completely unaware of the dumbstruck look on her mother's face and the way her father was narrowing his eyes in shock. Arizona's legs were moving before she could think about it, moving into the doorway.

"I love her. I'm in love with your daughter, every single part of her, but she won't let anyone love her because of you. She is a phenomenal surgeon, a remarkable friend and a rare person. And, honestly? In my eyes, you don't deserve her coming in here and checking on your every hour, but she is. So show so God damn kindness and love your daughter the way you should have her _entire_ life."

Callie looked flushed when she turned on her heel but at the same time she looked proud of herself. Her smile faltered for a second when she saw Arizona stood at the siding doors of the room. Her cheeks blushed even more as Arizona just stood and stared at her, not knowing what words to say right now. Everyone was just silent. Callie opened her mouth before closing it straight away, mumbling a small _excuse me_ before sliding past Arizona and making her way down the hallway with speed. Arizona stared as she walked away. _Callie loves her_. She's in love with her. She watched as Callie pushed through the double doors and turned right, leaving her sight. Her heart ached in her chest. _Go after her_. _Move_. She looked back into the room to see Nick's face telling her everything her brain was saying, his smile only widening and showing all his teeth as he chuckled.

"Phoenix, if you don't go after that women right now I will beat you to a pulp with your own stethoscope. Please, just go and tell her that you love her too. Forget about everything else that's happened, just go."

Arizona nodded slowly, her body feeling like it was numb as she just nodded over and over. Her brain was taking too long to process. After a couple of second her legs started to move before her brain was finished, her body now in auto-drive as it rushed down the hallway and picked up to a jog once she was through the double doors. Arizona was moving without thinking. She was following Callie without thinking. As she turned the corner she scanned her eyes everywhere, mumbling Callie's name to a passing nurse who pointed in the direction of a closing on call room door. Arizona knew she needed to stop. She needed to think about what going into the room meant, what she would say in there. But her body wasn't listening to her head anymore and that scared her, because before she could reclaim control she was opening the door and closing it behind her. She looked at Callie who was pacing the room, her white lab coat discarded on the bed.

"I'm sorry," she spoke when she looked at Arizona walking in, continuing her pacing as she jiggled her hands nervously as her sides, "I know I was out of line. I don't know what came over me… Well, I do know really, but still. I just- I'll go and apologise, I swear. I'll fix it, even though I don't want to. I just need five minutes, maybe ten, to calm down because right now I'm too angry and you know me, I'll probably go back and make everything worse. I might say something that an apology won't fix and I like my job, so yeah. I'll be back in, like, five minutes, okay? I'm sorry, I'm such an idiot. It's just he was sat there-"

"Callie…" Arizona mumbled as she leant against the door, Callie's feet stopping as she flopped down onto the bed and held her face in her hands, groaning a loud moan that would have been worse if her hands didn't muffle it. Arizona stood frozen against the door, her teeth chewing on her lip and her fingers scratching at the wood as the room fell silent.

"Did you hear everything?" Callie asked as she spread her fingers and peeked through them like a small child, Arizona cocking her head to the side and smiling softly at her.

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Oh, okay. Great. That's just _great_." Callie mumbled, her face scrunching up into something Arizona didn't fully recognise. She looked embarrassed. Arizona's stomach plummeted as she watched Callie's face continue to fall impossibly further. Callie had said she loved her. And now Arizona was stood staring at her, not saying it back. Nothing was coming from Arizona's lips. Arizona kept hearing Nick's voice in her head _. Forget about everything else that's happened, just go_. But she couldn't just go. They couldn't just forget about everything and pretend it didn't happen. Things didn't work like that. Arizona not wanting kids wasn't some old pair of shoes that could be dropped into a box and shoved into the back of the wardrobe. It was too big to be hidden and ignored. Arizona pushed off the door and moved to sit next to Callie, swallowing her guilt when she noticed the glazed look in the brunette's eyes.

"Callie," Arizona spoke weakly, her shoulders slumping and her fingers rubbing at her temple, "I just… Nothing has changed between us. Everything is still as it was when we broke up, if not more complicated. You still want kids and I don't- I _can't_. We haven't changed and I can't… I don't want to hurt you."

"I left the other morning. I realised you were still asleep so I got dressed and left without waking you."

"Oh." Arizona mumbled weakly, just nodding her head as though she understood what Callie was really trying to say.

"I was scared that you were going to say what you're saying now. I just- I didn't want to sit there and listen to you say one more time that things haven't changed, because I'm _painfully_ aware of that. All the time. I'm sorry for sneaking out, I know that it probably made you feel cheap or something, but I just didn't want to talk about what it meant. I didn't want to sit there and turn something perfect into a bad memory because of a long, drawn out, talk. I wanted to just keep that memory, so I left."

"Okay." Arizona croaked out, her throat feeling insanely tight. Callie wiped at her eyes quickly, tears still trickling down her cheeks.

"I just miss you so much sometimes. And now that I understand why you don't want kids, I'm angry. At everything. At your dad mostly, but still everything. I just hate the world for making me love you."

"I'm sorry." Arizona mumbled weakly, trying to ignore the way she felt like someone was constantly hammering into her chest with nails. Callie snorted after a moment, running her fingers under her eyes.

"What do you have to be sorry for?"

"For a lot. For playing with your emotions by stopping you from kissing me and then kissing you the next day. For not telling you all of this months ago. For never really giving you a proper reason for why I don't want kids. Maybe if you have known why I didn't want them it might have been easier for you. I don't know. I'm just sorry."

"Do you still love me?" Callie asked after a moment, her voice sounding so weak and vulnerable that Arizona's chest ached. Her eyes filled with tears straight away as she turned and looked at Callie, their faces inches from each other. Arizona opened her mouth over and over, every time closing it. She loved Callie, more than anything. More than she would ever love anyone else, and Arizona knew that. She knew for a fact she would never look at another woman and feel the same as when she looked at Callie. She would never want to kiss someone as much as she wanted to kiss Callie. She would never lay in bed with someone and feel like anything could happen as long as she had Callie. As long as Callie's arms where always there for her to crawl into, for her to wrap herself in for hours, she would be okay. No one else would ever make her feel that way, at least not as much as Callie did. _Of course_ she loved her, how could she not?

"Callie…" Arizona whispered weakly, trying to pretend she couldn't see the darkness of Callie's eyes or the way they kept flickering to her lips. Callie stared into Arizona's eyes for a brief second more before she leant forward, catching the blonde's lips in her own and cupping her cheek to hold her in place when Arizona tried to pull back. They shouldn't be doing this. It wasn't going to fix anything. _They're hurting each other_. Callie kissed her until Arizona was breathless, pulling back and leaning their foreheads together, their breaths mingling as tears fell down Arizona's face.

"Stop thinking, okay? Just be with me. For one minute, stop thinking about how this isn't the right thing, or how this is hurting us, or making things worse. I don't _care_. Just stop worrying and be with me for a minute. Please, Arizona. I miss you. I _need_ you."

Arizona just looked into her glazed eyes, nearly seeing her reflection. She could look into Callie's eyes forever. She closed her eyes a second later, she couldn't think properly when she this close to Callie, and the brunette knew that. _You're stopping her from moving on. Every time you kiss her, you're stopping her from being happy with someone else. Someone who wants children_. Arizona opened her eyes a second later, full of regret for what she was about to say. Maybe Callie realised she was about to say something she didn't want to hear, maybe she saw it in Arizona's eyes, but whatever happened it kicked her into gear. Callie leant forward and caught Arizona's lips once more, kissing her softly and waiting for Arizona to make the next move. Stay or leave. Arizona wanted to scream with frustration. When Callie pressed harder, her tongue running along her bottom lip, Arizona felt her last bit of restraint disappear pathetically.

Arizona tried to swallow away the guilt that was bubbling over in her stomach. _This is selfish. You should just leave now, before you're in too deep_. But she was already in too deep. She was already being pushed back into the bed, Callie hovering over her. Her hands were already pulling Callie's shirt up and running over her.

/

Arizona welcomed the silence of the OR as she worked on the ten year old on her table, her mind wandering every two minutes to Callie. Every time she blinked she could see her underneath her, moaning and writhing as she worked her fingers in and out of her. Hearing her moans only increase as she kissed down her body, her tongue running along her. She could still taste her and it made Arizona's legs go weak. They way Callie had watched her come down from her high, a dorky smile on the other woman's face before she curled her fingers inside and continued working once more. Then Arizona remember the look on Callie's face when the sound of pager broken through not only the room, but the moment. Like someone had popped a bubble.

 _I need to go, it's an emergency_ , Arizona had mumbled when she had stretched to read the page, untangling her limbs from Callie's. Arizona got dressed with guilt weighing on her shoulders, dripping in her sweat that felt like a layer on her body. She couldn't even look at Callie as she got dressed next to her. She wished she had done it all quicker and hadn't fumbled with her name tag. She wished she hadn't been in the room to see the long on Callie's face. Confused. Hurt. Vulnerable. And she wished even more that she hadn't been there when Callie finally spoke.

 _Is it because you don't love me anymore?_

Arizona felt like someone was shooting her chest with nails again, Callie sitting on the edge of the bed and looking up at her with a look that reminded her of when they broke up. The way Callie had looked at her when she walked out of the apartment. Arizona just looked at her stupidly. She felt stupid.

 _It's because I love you too much, Calliope. I love you too much to pretend that everything is different._

And with that she left. Turned on her heel and walked out of the room, swallowing down her tears as she walked towards the OR with shaking legs. She and Callie hadn't been a couple for months, so why she suddenly feel like they were done? As she walked she counted the minutes until she could shower and wash the guilt and shame from her body.

Arizona sighed and closed her eyes for a second, bending her neck until it cracked telling herself to pull her shit together. When she opened them she continued working on the patient in front of her, ignoring Avery when he asked whether she was okay. She looked to the clock to see she had been in the OR for nearly six hours, her stomach clenching when the door in front of her opened and Callie appeared. Her brow was furrowed as she stood holding a mask over her mouth.

"Uhm, Dr Robbins, you're needed." Callie spoke softly, her voice sounding strange. Arizona prayed that it wouldn't always sound like that now, she would miss Callie's voice too much.

"I can't right now. Peterson should be in, page him." Arizona spoke, breaking eye contact with Callie and looking back to swap utensils with the nurse next to her. She focused her attention on what her hands were doing, ignoring Avery when he turned to Callie and asked what was going on.

"Arizona…" Callie spoke through Avery, her voice now shaky but stern at the same time. And just like Arizona felt her body go cold and rigid. Her eyes lifted from what she was doing, the scalpel in her hand stilling. She looked to Callie, her breath hitching and choking in her throat. Recognition washed over her body like ice cold water. She had seen the look before. She had given the look. To family members. She let out a low, shallow breath as she removed her hands from the patient and set the scalpel down, Avery once again asking what was going on.

"Is he dead?" Arizona asked weakly, Callie cocking her head to the side before shaking it after a moment. Arizona just nodded, stepping back from the table, "Avery, you can close. Get him to the PICU after."

/

Arizona heard her mother before she saw her, the doors to the CICU opening and the sobs reaching her ears. They were basically echoing off the walls. Her feet stumbled at the sound and Callie turned to her, paces in front and worry all over the brunette's face as she stretched and placed a hand on Arizona's back, urging her forward again. Arizona felt numb as she walked up to the room, her mother and Nick huddled together as nurse's rushed past, in and out of the room.

She knew this sight. She knew what this many nurse's meant and she was scared to look in. It took her another moment until she looked through the glass doors to see Yang holding panels in her hands, teddy staring at the monitors before telling her to shock again. Arizona was thankful she couldn't hear the sound, but she wished she hadn't see her father's lifeless body lift from the bed before dropping back down when the current ran through him. She felt Callie's fingers weave and link through her own when another shock ran through her father's body, Teddy's eyes flickering through the glass for a second and catching Arizona's. She was barking names of all different medicines to be pushed, only stopping when one of the nurses turned around and spoke something. Arizona didn't hear what, but whatever was said it stopped Teddy. Stillness washed over everyone in the room for nearly a minute until Teddy nodded her head at Yang who was stepping back from the bed and setting the panels down. Arizona just watched Teddy. Watched her lips.

 _Time of death, 17:52._

Arizona's feet stumbled back slightly when she read the words come from Teddy's lips, thankful when Callie dropped her hand and weaved her arm around her waist holding her up strong. She was frozen, unable to feel anything as she looked to her mom. She was wailing, howling almost, her screams echoing around the unit and piercing Arizona's ear. She flinched away from it, the only thing letting her know she could still feel something. Teddy appeared through the doors a moment later and stopped in front of them, her eyes cautiously looking between Arizona and her mother. She opened her mouth to speak before closing it and looking away for a second, regaining her composure before looking back at the small group that was collected.

"I'm sorry, we tried everything we could. The surgery caused too much stress on his heart, it was too far gone for us to… I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry, Arizona."

Arizona listened as her mother wept more, blubbering questions about this could happen and whether she could go in and see him. Arizona just stood there. Still. No emotion showing on her face. She looked into the room where Yang was redressing her father and switching off the machines. Her mother entered into her sight a moment later, her arms being thrown over her father's dead body and her head dropping as she cried over him. Arizona looked to the doorway when she heard Nick speak her name, holding his hand out for her. She managed to shake her head. There was no way she could go in there. She needed to leave. Her legs started to move, stumbling until she felt her hand being caught and her body being pulled back against someone else's.

Callie was holding her tight. Holding her together almost. Her arms were wrapped around Arizona so tight that any other time it would make it hard for her to breathe, but right now she was already struggling. Callie's mouth was pressed into her hair, near her ear, as she spoke. _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry._ She spoke it over and over. Arizona just buried her head into her neck, breathing in Callie's shampoo and thankful she could still feel something. She wondered why she wasn't crying, why she wasn't reacting the same as her mother. All she really wanted to do was leave. She wanted to get away from the room where her mother was clawing at her dead father, holding him and kissing him hoping it would bring him back. Arizona started to pull back from Callie but the other woman's grip only tightened.

"Where are you going?" She spoke into her hair, a kiss being pressed into it afterwards. Arizona sighed and breathed her in once more, "Arizona, please, where are you going?"

"I need to go and check on that patient I left Avery with. Uhm, I have to… I need to go, Callie." Arizona spoke as she pushed against Callie again, thankful when her arms untangled and she let her walk away. Arizona stepped back, glancing over Callie's shoulders to where Teddy stood looking into the room, apologetic looks being thrown over in her direction every few seconds.

"Arizona…" Callie spoke, her voice sounding like it was pleading. Arizona looked back to her, forcing the corner of her mouth to turn up and smile. Callie just sighed when Arizona turned and walked away, leaving the unit.

She walked slowly down the hallway at first, heading in the direction of the elevator. She felt like she was in a daze, she couldn't think properly. Her dad was dead. He was dead. _Gone_. She could never see him again, she would never speak to him again. She would never see him frown at her, or hear him shout at her, or look at him and see the disappointment in his eyes. And that's all she could think as she walked. She could never see his eyes again. She would never see him look at her with pride. He would never tell her that he was proud of her and she would never be able to make him. No matter what she did now, she would never be able to make him proud.

Arizona quickened her pace and headed for the storage closet at the end of the hallway, opening the door and closing it behind her. She stood in the darkness and leant against the door, trying to calm her breathing. _She would never see her dad again_. Arizona stared around, her eyes falling on a small basin that they gave to patients when they were sick. She stood for a second longer before grabbing one and emptying the contents of her stomach into it, her body retching and choking over the pink dish for minutes after the vomit stopped coming. Her throat burnt when she finished, setting the dish down before sliding down the door and putting her head between her legs to control her breathing that was ragged.

He was dead. _He was gone_. Her whole life she wondered what it would be like if her father wasn't in her life anymore. She spent years without him, not knowing him. But he was always there, and now he wasn't. _He was gone_. And just like that Arizona grabbed the basin again and retched more, heaving until her chest ached.

He was gone.


	6. Scolded

Arizona flicked her fork through her salad, pushing the leaves to the side until she speared through one and popped it into her mouth. She chewed slowly as she continued to push the salad around the container, grabbing her drink and looking up as she took a sip. Teddy, Callie and Owen were all deep in conversation, discussing Teddy's apartment hunting and the best areas to search in. She tried to listen to the conversation for a moment, Owen telling a brief story of the last time he went apartment searching. She listened until she was met with the same thing she had seen for the last three days; a constant set of worried and cautious eyes on her. Whether it was Teddy, Callie, Owen or Mark, someone was always looking at her. Someone was _always_ watching her like she was a fragile package that couldn't be dropped, easily broken into pieces with one sharp movement. Arizona sipped from her drink as her eyes met with Teddy's, rolling her eyes a second later and looking back to her salad. She poked her way through it for a more minutes, killing time until her surgery.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket to check the time, flicking through the messages on the screen and registering the missed calls. Arizona stared at the screen, unaware of the conversation in front of her stopping until the silence eerily set in a few seconds later. As she looked up she felt the flimsy leaf of salad lodge in her throat for a moment as she took in the sight of Nick appearing at the end of the table, the tired smile on his face that he was offering everyone else changing into a glare when his eyes fell on Arizona. She swallowed thickly to remove the salad that was blocking her airway, forcing a smile onto her face as Owen vacated his seat and offered it to Nick. Nick slid into it, directly in front of Arizona who was taking a gulp from her drink the clear the remnants of salad that were still lodged in her throat.

"So your phone _does_ work." Nick commented as he nodded his head towards the phone that was still in Arizona's hand, the blonde flicking her eyes between it and Nick before she dropped it back into her pocket.

"Nick, what are you doing here? I thought you and my mom were meant to be flying home today."

"Our flight is this afternoon," he spoke quickly as he scratched as his unshaven beard and flashed a quick grin at Teddy and Callie who were eyeing the two while continuing their conversation, "I came because you've been ignoring my calls so this was the only way I could speak to you. Are we going to speak about the other night?"

"There's nothing else to say about it." Arizona spoke softly, her eyes glancing to Callie who was poking through her salad whilst cautiously watching the exchange.

"Nothing else to say? Come on, Tucson, there's definitely things that need to be said. You can't just show up to a hotel room and say that you're not going. What the hell do you mean you're not going? You're meant to be on the plane with us. There's a ticket booked for you. I'm here to get you, let's go."

Arizona just snorted and shrugged her shoulders before lifting her fork again and continuing with pushing her salad around the container. She knew it wasn't enough, but it was all she wanted to give right now. She didn't know what else she was meant to say. She didn't want to talk about this, especially not now. She pushed the leaves around until she heard Nick snap her name, Arizona sighing and looking up at the same time as Teddy and Callie.

"What, Nick? What do you want me to say?" She muttered as dropped her fork and grabbed her drink, shoving the straw into her mouth and chewing on it. She felt nervous, her body squirming in her seat as she sat under the stare of Nick.

"Phoenix, what do you mean you're not going?"

"I think it's pretty clear what I mean. I'm not going." Arizona sighed as she leant back in her chair, chewing on the straw until she could only get small amount of drink through it. She looked at Nick's face, his eyes burning into her like she was a small child being scolded. She just rolled her eyes at him before looking back to her drink, her nails picking at the pattern on it.

"It's your dad's _funeral_. What about your mom? She wants you there. You should be there. Come on, you're being stubborn." Nick sighed, leaning forward on the table to catch Arizona's eyes. She just shrugged once more as she ran her finger around the top of her drink.

"I helped her pick out a casket, didn't I? I helped pick the date and time, I rang the caterer and organised the service. I _helped_. I don't need to go. I don't want to go, okay?"

"Jesus, he's dead. Let your anger go. Go to his funeral and mourn, if not for you then for your mom. You should be there."

"I don't want to go, Nick. Am I not saying this clear?" Arizona muttered as she clenched her jaw to control the anger that was bubbling in her, her patience having worn incredibly thin recently leaving her snapping and yelling at residents multiple times in the past few days.

"He's your dad." Nick snapped, his voice rising loud enough to gain attention from two nurses walking past. Arizona watched them go, noticing the whispers passed between them. She clenched her jaw as she looked back to Nick, throwing a glare at him.

"People are _looking_ …" Arizona spoke in a hushed tone, hearing him give a snort as he dropped back in his seat and let out a small, snide laugh. For a moment he reminded her of her father and she felt her chest tighten and the salad she had just eaten threaten to come crawling up her throat.

"I really don't give a shit right now who is looking." Nick snapped, Arizona hearing Teddy speak his name softly as she tried to intervene, Nick losing his usual grin that everyone was used to and just raising his hand to silence her. Arizona flashed her a quick apologetic smile before leaning forward, closer to Nick.

"Nick, stop. I work here, okay?" Arizona spoke lowly, her voice stern. Nick just let out a laugh as he scratched through his hair that was floppy and dirty. His beard was longer now, longer than Arizona had ever seen it before, and it speckled grey throughout.

"No, you stop, okay? Stop being so childish and pathetic. Even if you don't want to go, which is ridiculous, your mom wants you there. He was your dad. What about her? She wants her daughter there. She needs you there."

"No she doesn't, I'm sure she'll manage perfectly fine without me." Arizona sighed weakly. As she leant against the table she remembered the ache that had been in her body for days, sleep having being something she was going without, running purely off of days filled with coffee and nights filled with alcohol.

"Jesus, you're infuriating right now, you know? What the hell is wrong with you? Your dad died and you're acting like you don't care. I know you two struggled with each other, but holy shit, Phoenix. This is something else. You haven't taken any time off work, when you came over to help make decisions about the funeral you just agreed with whatever your mom said so you could leave, and I haven't seen you look sad once. Nothing, not one _single_ tear. At first I put it down to shock, but it's been days now. Pull your head out of your ass and get your shit together. You should be the funeral, you know that. He was your dad."

"I'm aware of the fact he was my dad, Nick, I don't need you to keep reminding me." Arizona snapped back, her patience having finally cracked and her voice coming out harsher than she wanted. She could feel Callie's eye burning into her but she didn't want to look, keeping her eyes on Nick who was letting out a laugh of disbelief.

"Tim would have wanted you there. Do you remember him, your brother? Or is he another dead family member you don't care about?"

"Jesus, Nick, stop." Teddy spoke, Arizona shaking her head slowly as she pushed her chair back from the table.

"Don't you dare bring Tim into this. This has nothing to do with him, he isn't here. And if he was here, Tim would have understood this. If I told him that I don't want to go, he would have let it go because he understood me, clearly much better than you ever will. Go catch your flight, Nick."

"Phoenix…" Nick spoke now in a softer tone, the edges to his lips tugging up into an apologetic smile. He cocked his head to the side when Arizona just stared at him, putting his hand out across the table for her to take. Arizona just stared at it, shaking her head a second later.

"I don't judge you for the way you choose to grieve, so don't judge me for my choice. It has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I don't want to go to the funeral, I'm not going. Deal with it." Arizona barked in a low tone once more, her words coming out through her clenched jaw. She felt sick as she sat in the chair, her hands tingling with a strange sensation. She clenched them for a moment.

"But that's the thing, you're not grieving. You're acting like you don't even care. Do you even care that he's dead? Or is this what you wanted?" Nick muttered, Arizona rolling her eyes and standing up from her chair. She flashed one last glance at Nick, only making it a few steps when she felt his fingers wrap around her wrist and stop her walking any further past the table. Arizona flinched at the pressure, tugging her wrist from his hand but his grip keeping it. She tried once more, this time his fingers unwrapping when Callie snapped his name from beside him. Arizona flinched once more at the sound of Nick's name coming from her lips, every bit of anger Callie had oozing in the words. Arizona couldn't stop her eyes when they dragged towards Callie, seeing her glaring into Nick. Arizona was sure that if looks could kill, Nick would be long gone.

"Shit, I'm sorry. I don't know what- I'm sorry, Phoenix, really. Did I hurt you? I'm just so tired from all the funeral planning and I lost it for a moment, I really am sorry." Arizona tore her eyes away from Callie and back to Nick, guilt plastered all over his face. Arizona took a step away from the table and dropped her hands into her pocket, shrugging her shoulders weakly.

"I'm fine. Just, go, Nick. Go home. Go to the funeral. Just _go_. I don't want to, okay? If my mom is upset about that then tell her I'm sorry, but nothing is going to change my mind. So just go before you miss your flight."

"I think you'll regret this."

"Maybe I will, but it's my choice." Arizona mumbled with a final shrug, a glance to Callie and Teddy who were offering concerned looks, before she muttered a goodbye and turned on her heel to leave. She could practically feel the stare of both Nick and Callie into her back, the blonde swallowing down the sensation to look over her shoulder and swallowing it away once she was through the doors and out of the cafeteria.

/

Arizona stood and scrubbed at her hands, feeling the sponge scrape against her skin. She stopped and picked at her nails for a second, the tingling in her hands having finally faded minutes ago. She looked to the door of the scrub room when it opened and Mark appeared, a nod being passed between the two which was the most conversation they had shared in months. They both stood in silence as they scrubbed, Arizona peering through the window to see the young boy being brought into the OR that was being prepared. This was what she needed; a few hours of silence. She needed to be thinking about something other than her father, or her mother, or Nick. She needed to be thinking about someone else, saving someone else. She needed some _silence_ in her life. Arizona practically flinched when Mark's voice cracked through the silence of the room, a cough coming from his mouth before he spoke.

"I heard about your dad, I'm sorry. I remember when my mom died, its rough." He spoke in a low tone, Arizona glancing to him and seeing a small sympathetic smile on his face. This wasn't what she needed nor wanted. She forced a smile onto her face, nodding her head quickly.

"Uhm, thank you."

Arizona still felt the same nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach every time someone mentioned her father. It had been three whole days and she still felt like she could vomit on the spot every time she remembered he was dead. Every time she was back in the storage closet and gripping for a basin, her chest tightening and her lungs struggling to form a proper breath to remove the sick feeling. She wondered when it was going to leave. She couldn't deal with it for much longer. No amount of wine had worked, so she had tried tequila. _Nothing_. Nothing was helping her and she just wanted to work. She didn't want to think about it. But every time she walked down the hallway she saw the looks from people, heard the whispers and even suffered through the condolences. Every time she sat down for lunch she had eyes staring at her. Teddy would look over every minute or so. Owen would stare non-stop and pretend that he wasn't whenever Arizona would meet his eye. And then Callie would just look at her, not stare, just _look_. When their eyes met she wouldn't look away, she would hold their gaze for as long as she could until Arizona would have to pull away. Until the blonde was certain that the drowning feeling she had when she looked into Callie's eyes was going to suffocate her. So now she didn't look at her. She pretended she wasn't there.

"Listen, Robbins, can I speak honestly here for a second?" Mark asked a couple of minutes later, Arizona rolling her eyes and letting out a groan as she dropped her head to the side and looked at him.

"Mark, I know you think you can go about this the other way, but we already agreed that this is the safer surgery. This risks are too high, you even said so yourself, so why are you now-"

"You need to stop whatever is going on between you and Callie."

And just like that Arizona felt herself stiffen, her head cloud, and her hands tingle. She stopped scrubbing for a moment, looking to Mark before looking back to her hands. The change in topic had given her emotional whiplash, her heart beating strange in her chest and her pulse rushing through her ears. Arizona fumbled over her words for a moment, not knowing what to say and not sounding at all convincing when she spoke and forced out a weak laugh.

"What are you talking about it?"

"Whatever is going on between you two, it needs to stop. I don't know whether you're just talking, flirting, or sleeping together. But whatever it is, stop it, now."

"Mark, I don't know…" Arizona breathed casually, coughing to clear her throat when Mark arched an eyebrow at her, "I don't- listen, it's none of your business, okay?"

"She's my best friend, it's my business, Robbins." He commented, his smirk on his face not matching his stern tone. For the second time in day Arizona felt like she was being scolded, her jaw clenching for a moment as she ran her arms under the water and let a long breath out from her nose.

"Just because someone is your friend doesn't mean everything to do with them becomes your business, that's not how it works. What happens between me and Callie is between me and Callie." Arizona heard Mark let out a small chuckle, his head nodding and silence spreading through the room as both of them flicked the water from their hands and stepped away from the sink. Arizona stopped her footing when Mark stepped in front of her, the blonde moving back to stop their hands from touching.

"After you got back from Fiji, when you two first broke up, you were all she looked at. Whenever you were in the room she would _stare_ at you. During meetings. Over lunch. At the coffee cart. It was painful to watch, really. But for a while it stopped and it was good. She dated other people, put herself back out there again, and even painted her apartment. She was moving on, clean slate. But recently, she stares at you again. All the time. And it's worse this time, because before she was looking at you with some hurt and anger. But now she looks at you like you're some fragile flower that needs to be protected and loved. She _can't_ be the one to help you through whatever is going on with you, Robbins. I know things are rough, but don't make things worse for both of you."

Arizona just stood frozen on the spot, her mouth hanging shamefully low. Mark let out a small sigh, looking through the window for a moment as Arizona tried to ignore the sting of tears at the back of her eyes. She watched as Mark stared into the OR for a second before looking back, his mouth opening as though he wanted to say more before he closed it. His head wrinkled as he frowned, he was thinking. Arizona closed her mouth, clenching her jaw. She tried to prepare herself for whatever he was going to throw at her next, swallowing slowly as Mark opened his mouth once more and spoke.

"I rooted for you two, I know it may not have seemed like it sometimes, but I really did. I wanted things to get fixed just as much as everyone else did, but they didn't. And now time has passed and a lot has happened in between, too much has happened. You both can't just go back to each other and pretend it hasn't. It won't work, you'll hurt each again, maybe worse. Callie can't see that, but I think you can. You don't stare at her, if anything you try and avoid her. You know that it can't happen. So I've never asked anything of you, and I'm still not. I'm not asking you to do this for me, I'm asking you to do this for her. _Stop_ pulling her back. _Stop_ letting her pull you back. Don't make her think that she needs to be your person now. And don't make things harder for yourself. I care about you too. So you need to open your eyes and see that this- this is _wrong_. This isn't helping. So stop it, for her. Leave her alone."

Arizona felt like the floor beneath her feet was caving in, turning to lava and leaving her to drop into the searing liquid. He was saying everywhere she had been thinking for months, so why had it been so hard to hear? Why did she want to run away from the words and ignore them? Her legs felt weak as she took a step back, Mark's eyes burning into her. She wanted to shout at him, scream at him. She wanted to let the tears fall that were threatening her eyes. She wanted to tell him that he always had this strange and insanely annoying urge to force himself into relationship that didn't ask for him nor need him. But she and Callie weren't in a relationship. They were barely even in a friendship. Everything Mark had said was true. And it was all _true_ , and Arizona knew that. She knew she was pulling Callie back in, or had already pulled her back in. _Callie was in love with her_. But that didn't mean she had any right to take that love and misuse it. That's what she was doing. Arizona could only nod as her response when Mark asked whether she was going to back off from Callie, whether she was okay, and whether she was ready for surgery. She wasn't ready for anything, she thought to herself, but she had no choice. Arizona managed to mumble _I'm fine_ , Mark cautiously eyeing her before turning to the doors behind him. They slid open at the same time the scrub room door open, Arizona looking over her shoulder to see Derek appearing.

"Robbins, you're not scrubbing in." He spoke as he stood in the doorway, staring at the screen of his phone and not looking up. Arizona turned to Mark who only offered a confused shrug, looking back to Derek and letting out a small laugh.

"Excuse me? Why? I'm already scrubbed in and ready."

"You're going through personal things at the moment. It's not right for you to be in an OR right now."

"Are you saying I can't do my job?" Arizona snapped, her voice turning into anger quicker than she had expected, she swallowed it away for a moment and plastered a fake, friendly, smile onto her face, "I can do my job, Chief, perfectly fine."

"You need time to grieve. You're going through a loss and that means you haven't got all your attention on that patient, which means you have no business being in that OR." Derek spoke, his eyes flickering between Arizona and the phone in his hand.

"I don't need to grieve. Why does everyone keep telling me that? I don't want to cry. Why can't I just react the way I want to?"

"Robbins, take some time off," Derek spoke, looking up from his phone when Arizona neither spoke nor moved from the spot she was stood in, "I'm not _asking_ you, Dr Robbins, I'm _telling_ you. Go home and take time off. Sleep, get some exercise, have a nice bath. Do whatever."

"I don't need time off, Derek, I just want to do my job. Being here is what I want. I want to do the job I am perfectly qualified to do. I shouldn't be forced into grieving over something I don't want to. I don't need to sit and eat ice cream, I don't want to. Why won't people just leave me be?"

"Robbins, I'm your Chief and I'm telling you to go home. Final decision. Mark, I'll send a resident down to assist you." Derek snapped before turning on his heel, already out of the door by the time Arizona snapped his name.

"You don't want to grieve?" Mark asked through the silence, Arizona turning from the door and looking at him, "maybe you need some time off to sit and think about that. He was your dad, Robbins."

"Shut up, Mark. You don't know anything." Arizona barked at him before ripping her mask from her face and throwing it into the bin, swinging the door open loud enough for it to clatter off the wall and echo down the hallway as she stormed off.

/

Arizona dropped the empty bottle in her hand down onto the counter, stepping over to the depleted wine rack and tugging another bottle out. She eyed the label for a moment, noticing it was an expensive one. She had been given it as a gift on the day she was told she was the new Head of Peds. Arizona just stared at the bottle for a minute or so before dropping it down onto the counter and opening it. She grabbed the bottle around the neck and shuffled back to the couch, throwing the blanket around her body before flopping down. She lifted the bottle to her lips, having given up on glasses at some point days ago, and took a long mouthful. Her body felt heavy and tired from the alcohol that was rushing through her system, but her eyes wouldn't sleep. Every time she climbed into bed she would find herself back up again within the hour. Every time she tried to just sleep on the couch she would lay there just staring at the fan on her ceiling. She had resorted to filling her days off work with tasks. She had washed every single item of clothing she owned, cleaned her apartment until not one piece of furniture hadn't been shined, and even indulged in late night online shopping by purchasing a waffle maker she was positive she would never ever use. She didn't even like waffles, but she bought it. Because she couldn't sleep.

She wanted to go back to work. She wanted to be in an OR, or in the midst of the ER. She wanted to just be doing something, anything. She needed to do something to stop her head from thinking so much, her mind never stopping. Every time she climbed into bed she would see her mom clutching at her dad's dead body. She would see Nick offering his hand out for her to go into the room. She would see Callie's pained eyes as she walked away. She couldn't stop herself from thinking no matter what she did. She went for an hour long run that made her lungs feel like they were going to explode and her chest burning, but it didn't clear anything. Every time she managed to sleep she would be woken by a dream of her arguing with her father, the last words she ever said to him ringing in Arizona's head over and over.

 _I wish every single day that you hadn't been my father._

Arizona swallowed back another mouthful when the memory hit her like a wave, leaning to grab the remote and flicking through the channels. She could barely see what was flashing on the screen as she pressed on the button quickly, only stopping when Chewie hopped up on the couch next to her. He stood for a moment at the far end staring at her, his head cocked to the side. Arizona just stared back, watching as he padded towards her and nudged his head into her arm. He nudged a few more times, Arizona pushing him back a little until he looked at with big eyes.

"What do you want?" She muttered at him, watching as he stared for another moment before letting out a grumble and climbing into her lap. He curled up in the hole between her crossed legs, his head resting on her thigh and his eyes still burning into her. Arizona put it down to Teddy being right, the cat was creepy. But something about the sad way he stared at her made her chest ache.

She tore her eyes away from Teddy when her phone began to vibrate on the couch next to her. Arizona leant to read the screen, her chest only aching more when she read Callie's name. _Stop pulling her back._ She had been ignoring her. The calls had been non-stop and regimented, twice a day for the past three days since she had been sent home from work. Every morning and every night Callie called. Arizona would sit and stare at the phone as it rang and rang, holding her breath to stop her urge to just answer it. Instead she thought about what Callie was doing. Was she ringing in a scrub room just before she went in for surgery? Was she lay in bed at night and ringing quickly before she slept? Did she consider leaving a message every time Arizona didn't answer?

Arizona read the time on the phone. 1:03 in the morning. Her night time call was coming late. Arizona wondered whether she was only just leaving work. She wanted to ask Callie, to see where she was and what she was going, how her day had been. She wanted to just hear her voice. Arizona stared at the phone, lifting it into her hand and looking at Callie's name on the screen. She could hear Mark's words echoing in the back of her head. But they were in the back of her head, clouded by a large amount of wine and not pressing with the same pressure as usual. Arizona slid her thumb across the phone before she could stop herself, freezing once she had done it. _You're an idiot, hang up_. She put the phone to her ear and felt all the words drain from her body, like someone had popped a hole on her brain and was pulling them out one by one.

"Hello? Arizona? Are you there?" Callie spoke, Arizona just staying quiet on the other end. Maybe if she didn't speak for a moment she could still hear Callie's voice and then hang up and pretend she had sat on her phone or something. Arizona rolled her eyes when she realised how ridiculous she was being, "Arizona? Will you at least make a noise or something so I know you're there and I'm not speaking to someone who's in your apartment because they've murdered you? I'm worried. Just make a noise. _Please_."

"I'm here." Arizona spoke a moment later, hearing Callie let out a breath of relief. Arizona picked at the thread on the blanket as she looked to the tv, noticing the channel had landed on a cooking programme. Callie used to love them. They would watch them together after a long day of work, both of them getting home late and cuddling up on the couch for a few minutes before they dragged themselves to bed. Arizona secretly hated watching them, but she always went along with it because she loved the smile on Callie's face when she promised she would make the meals shown at the weekend.

"What are you doing?"

"Watching a cooking programme and drinking." Arizona mumbled, turning the wine bottle in her hand and picking at the label around it. She heard Callie let out a small chuckle. Hearing Callie laugh gave Arizona a feeling that she would never be able to describe to anyone.

"You hate cooking shows, why are you watching it?" Callie spoke down the phone, Arizona not being able to stop the smile that spread over her face.

"That's not true."

"Yes it is. You only used to watch them because I liked them. You tried to lie saying you enjoyed them as well but I'm pretty sure you would fall asleep every single time."

"Yeah, well, you liked them." Arizona spoke down the phone, her voice coming out sadder than she had expected or wanted it to. She swallowed thickly for a moment, hearing Callie just breathing down the phone. Arizona chewed on her lip, closing her eyes to try and stop the way her heart was thumping in her chest, coughing to clear her throat quickly, "are you only just getting home?"

"I'm still at the hospital, I'm in an on call room. I got called into a long surgery and now I'm too tired to drive home."

"Oh, okay." Arizona spoke softly, another silence settling between the women. Arizona had never felt uncomfortable around Callie, their silences had never been awkward. And this silence wasn't awkward either, it was just different. It felt heavy. The I-love-you-and-dead-father-shaped elephant between the two of them was crawling into everything they thought and said, both women choosing to say nothing instead.

"Arizona…" Callie sighed a moment later, Arizona clenching her jaw. The tone was different now, not as light as it had been. Arizona could handle talking about cooking programmes and on call rooms, but Callie's tone was about to change it. Arizona took a gulp from the wine bottle, swallowing it quickly and cutting through Callie to answer the question she knew was coming.

"I'm _fine_ , Callie, honestly. I'm not sat here drowning in my own tears or guzzling vodka until I pass out. I'm fine, I promise."

"You don't like vodka, that's why." Callie laughed a moment later, the noise having the same effect on Arizona as usual. She felt her heart skip at the sound, not helping the way it was thumping in her chest any way. Arizona pulled the blanket closer to her, perching the bottle between her body and end of the couch to balance it.

"Good point." She hummed down the phone as she tickled Chewie's head. As she listened to Callie's breathing her mind drifted to her mother. Arizona wondered what she was doing right now. Was she sat knocking back bottles of wine. Could she sleep? Did every single thought she had come back to the man she had called her husband? Arizona couldn't help but wonder even when she didn't want to, even when she tried her very best to avoid it.

"You're thinking." Callie spoke down the phone, Arizona being pulled from her thought and feeling a smile tug at her face.

"How do you know?" Arizona teased, hearing Callie chuckle once more. She could hear her moving about, the sound of the scratchy bedding being moved. She imagined Callie kicking her shoes off before swinging her legs and climbing into the bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark room.

"You go quiet when you think. Usually when you're thinking about a patient you play with your hair, but when you're thinking about something more personal you just stare at a spot. You zone out I guess."

Arizona sighed weakly done the phone. She didn't need to hear this. She didn't need to hear how Callie knew everything about her, how she knew everything about Callie. She didn't need to be reminded of insanely perfect they were for each other. Every time Callie reminded her of how she knew her better than anyone else, Arizona heard Mark's voice in her head. _Stop pulling her back in. Stop letting her pull you back in_. Arizona wondered whether it was possible to stop something she wanted so much. She sat for a second, staring at the tv and not registering what was going on. She needed to change the conversation.

"Today was my dad's funeral, he was cremated. My mom is going to spread his ashes on this lake that's near the house we lived in during the summers. He used to go fishing there all the time when I was younger. There's a bench there dedicated to Tim, it's got a plaque on it. They'll probably get another one and dedicate it to him, put them next to each other."

"Do you wish you had gone?" Callie voice spoke, her tone calm and soothing. Arizona dropped her head back on the couch and stared at the ceiling, watching her fan go round and round. The heat had been almost impossible at nights recently, the summer months in full swing. Arizona shrugged her shoulders, hearing Chewie grunt at the movement, before answering.

"And listen to people tell fake stories about my dad and cry over him like he was some saint or hero? No, thank you. Nick said I should have been there. He called me earlier to tell me all about it, cried down the phone when he was telling me about my mom's eulogy. Do you think I'm a horrible person for not going?"

"Some bones break different to others."

"What?" Arizona laughed, a small chuckle coming from both women.

"Sorry, I had an old teacher say it to me once and I was expecting it to sound better. I mean, people deal with things differently. You can't be expected to feel the same things and think the same way as Nick. It wasn't fair of him to say the things he did the other day. If you didn't want to go then that's your choice."

"Thank you." Arizona whispered down the phone, her voice shaking from the lump that had formed in the bottom of her throat. It made it feel tight, Arizona trying to swallow but failing from the way her mouth had gone dry. She coughed to clear her throat, "you should go to bed, it's late."

"You're awake as well." Callie joked back, Arizona letting out a small breath of laugh.

"Good point. But in case you haven't heard, I don't have work in the morning."

"Arizona, are you sleeping?" Callie asked almost immediately, Arizona feeling a breath lodge in her throat from the quick question. She blinked quickly for a moment, just staring at the fan for a moment.

"Yes, I'm fine. Now go to sleep."

"Are you going to bed soon?" Callie asked, Arizona just nodding her head tiredly as lifted the remote and began to flick through the channels, preparing herself for another long night.

"Yes."

"You're not going to go, are you?" Callie spoke, a laugh coming afterwards, but her tone sounding more serious. Arizona just laughed back at her.

"Good night, Calliope."

" _Fine_. Good night."

/

"I thought you weren't mean to be back until Monday."

Arizona pulled the curtain closed behind her as she stepped into the bay, looking down at the young boy in the bed who had a large cut bleeding on his arm. She glanced to Teddy who was typing on the computer next to her, worry and caution in her friends eyes. Arizona just shrugged her shoulders as she pulled her stethoscope from around her neck and walked up to the young boy, introducing herself and flashing her best smile. She pressed the stethoscope down onto the young boy's chest, looking back up to Teddy when she heard her name.

"I don't care what Derek says. I'm working."

"Arizona…" Teddy spoke in a worried tone, her eyes darting around the ER as Arizona listened for a moment before standing back up, throwing her stethoscope over her head. She laughed with the boy for a moment about his socks with bananas on them, before turning and cocking her head at Teddy when she clocked the apprehensive look on her face. The blonde rolled her eyes and sighed weakly.

"No, okay? This isn't school or something, he can't just suspend me for no reason. I don't _need_ time off, I just want to work. I'm bored as hell sitting at home with nothing to do. I'm not crying, I'm not missing my dad, I'm just bored. So I should be allowed to work."

"You look like shi-" Teddy stopped talking, both women looking down to the boy who was beaming up at Teddy with a cheeky smile, Teddy offering a strained one back before turning to Arizona, "you look terrible. When was the last time you slept?"

"Seriously, Teddy, I'm fine. Please just let me work." Arizona pleaded, staring at Teddy and offering her best sad eyes.

"Fine, but good luck trying to convince Derek of that."

Arizona finally felt her head stop spinning as she worked on the young boy, ordering tests and scans. For the first time in days her chest didn't feel heavy, her body didn't feel tired and her head wasn't filled with everything. She wasn't sat wondering what her mother was doing. She was questioning herself on her decision not to go to the funeral. She wasn't thinking about the last thing she spoke to her father. She wasn't thinking about anything but the young boy in front of her as she sutured his arm, mumbling small conversation to him about super heroes. Arizona was partway through a debate about whether Batman was better than Superman when the curtain behind her swung open, Derek glaring at her, looking to the boy and offering a smile, before flashing one more glare to Arizona.

"Dr Robbins, can I please speak to you for a moment?" Derek asked through gritted teeth, a smile not moving from his face. Arizona sighed as she passed the things in her hands to an intern, pushing herself up from the chair and seeing Teddy staring worriedly at her as she stepped over to Derek.

"Yes?"

"Robbins, you're not on call today. What are you doing here?" He spoke as he looked around the ER, a fake smile still on his face every time he noticed a family member or an intern looking.

"Chief, I don't need any more time off, I can work."

"You're not needed today, you can go home." Arizona groaned as she shoved her hands into her pockets, watching as Derek fiddled with his tie. The smile on his face was annoying her. She dropped the fake one from her own, cocking her head to the side to catch Derek's eyes.

"Derek, _seriously_? I'm all cried out, okay? I've spent days sobbing. I practically worked my way through a whole box of tissues but I'm all better now. No more tears. So, just let me work."

"Dr Robbins, I am your Chief and I'm telling you to leave this ER right now and go home. I don't want you dealing with patients." Arizona groaned out loud, swinging her arms up from her pockets and holding them up in confusion, the smile now falling from Derek's lips as he stared at her with his most chiefly glare.

"What is your problem?" Arizona snapped.

"Arizona…" Teddy spoke, having now stepped out from the curtain. She was a few steps away from the conversation but when Arizona turned to look at her she couldn't help but see the concerned and cautionary look in her eyes. She mouthed the word _stop_ , Arizona sighing and turning to look back at Derek.

"Fine, I'll go and do paperwork then. I have charting to do anyway." Arizona offered, turning to walk past Derek and head for the elevators and stopped when he lightly placed his hand on her arm, shaking his head when she looked to him.

"No, go home. I don't want you in the hospital, you're not in the right frame of mind."

"How do you know what frame of mine I'm in? Why can I not just do paperwork in the hospital? I'm not dealing with patients. I'm not sitting down with six year olds and telling them all about my sadness and grief."

"Do you really think any of this is convincing me you're in the right frame of mind?" Derek laughed, only angering Arizona more. She ran her hand through her hair, clenching her jaw and letting out a breath.

"Jesus, Derek, I don't need to grieve. Just. Let. Me. Work. Let me do what I'm good at. Why are you being such a-"

"Arizona." Teddy snapped through her, Arizona turning to see Teddy now glaring at her as she took a step forward. Arizona looked back to Derek, the fake smile back on his face due to two nurses who were watching from the desk.

"Dr Robbins, I'm going to warn you to choose your next words very carefully and remind you that I am your Chief. I'm not _Derek_ here. I am your Chief of Surgery and I'm ordering you to go home."

"I just-" Arizona began to argue, being cut off when her arm was gripped by someone's hand. She felt her feet stumbling, her legs struggling to catch up as she heard Derek shouting things, Arizona letting out a groan when Callie shouted back at him. _I'll handle this, okay? She won't work on patients. Trust me, Derek, I've got this_. Arizona tried to pull her arm from her grip, letting out another groan when she remembered how insanely strong Callie was, Arizona just reluctantly being dragged down the hallway behind her.

/

Arizona tugged the entire time that Callie dragged her, knowing it was useless but refusing to allow Callie the satisfaction of knowing she was stronger. Arizona moaned her name, trying to remove her wrist from the woman's grip as people looked at them as Callie dragged her down hallways. Callie didn't let go of Arizona's wrist until she was opening a door a shoving Arizona into an empty exam room, closing it behind her. Arizona spun around straight away in anger, glaring at Callie who just leant back against the door and crossed her arms. A silence settled between them, Arizona's anger making her struggle with her words and Callie just offering a smug smile. It angered Arizona even more.

"Callie, what the hell are you doing?" Arizona snapped a moment later, her fingers rubbing her wrist and Callie's smile falling. A frown washed over her face followed by a laugh of disbelief.

"What am _I_ doing? What are _you_ doing, Arizona? What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be _here_." Callie retorted, the anger in her voice struggling to cover the anxious undertone. Her eyes were burning into the blonde, Arizona running her hand through her hair.

"I don't need your help, Callie. I can do things myself. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, it's just…" Arizona trailed off, Callie cocking her head to the side and looking at Arizona in confusion.

"It's just, what?"

"We can't do this anymore, Mark is right. You can't be my person, I don't _need_ you. I can deal with things myself, I just-"

"Mark?" Callie asked in confusion, her face scrunching up for a moment, "Arizona, what did Mark say?"

"Nothing," Arizona grumbled, Callie staring at her for a moment until Arizona spoke again, "why does everyone have to chip in their point of view when on one is asking for it? I can't sit at home anymore, okay? I'm bored as hell, I just want to work. I want to get on with my job."

"People get involved because they're concerned. This isn't you, Arizona. You don't yell at the Chief of Surgery in front of a busy ER, you hardly ever _raise_ your voice. You're not a shouter."

"I don't need people to be concerned, I-"

"Stop being so naïve. You lost someone who was close to you, whether you think they were or not. He was your _dad_ , not some random person who had been in your life for five minutes. Even if you don't need to grieve for him, other people don't know that. They don't know the story, they just see someone who had lost an important person."

"Exactly, they don't know the story so why are they getting involved?" Arizona snapped, not completely unaware of how childish her voice sounded. Her feet shuffled back slightly until she was leaning on the bed in the middle of the room, her body perching on it.

"Because that's what friends do, you know this. Why are you being so annoyingly stubborn over this? Why won't you just let people help you?"

"Because I don't want their pity!" Arizona shouted, her voice echoing around the room and making the silence after it sound eerie. Arizona closed her eyes and brought her hands up to rub at them, opening them a second to see Callie frowning sadly at her as she leant against the door.

"What?" She asked slowly, pushing off the door and taking a step forward but stopping.

"Everyone is looking at me like I'm going to break any second. Like I'm going to walk down the hallway and just start crying halfway down it, that's what everyone is expecting. And if I'm honest, I don't know whether I'm going to or not. I don't know how I feel."

"Arizona…" Callie sighed, cocking her head to the side to catch the blonde's eyes, Arizona avoiding them and staring at her fingers instead.

"I don't know how I feel. I sit there and I think about how my dad is dead. He's _gone_. I'll never see him again. I'll never hear his voice again or see his eyes again. And if I sit there and really think about it for long enough I feel like someone has taken all their out of the room, boxed it up, and is letting me suffocate. But then I stop for a minute and I wonder if I really care. My lungs ache even more because I'm sat there wondering if I really care about the fact that my dad is dead. How messed up is that? I wonder if I even loved him or if that was lost a long time ago. Did he ever love me? I don't even know. And I'll _never_ know now."

"Arizona, of course he loved you." Callie spoke, stepping forward again until she was stood in front of Arizona. Arizona didn't want to look at her. She couldn't look at her. She stared at her hands until Callie grabbed one, taking it in her own and linking her fingers through Arizona's. Arizona finally looked up, Callie's dark eyes pulling her back in.

"You don't know that and neither do I. So I just want to work because I can't sit at home one more day and flip back and forth between wondering whether I miss my dad or not. Wondering whether I loved him or not. It's _exhausting_. I can't do it anymore. I haven't got it in me. I can't-"

Arizona stopped when the tears that had been burning her eyes pooled quickly, tears falling down her cheeks. Callie caught them with her fingers before they reached the bottom of her cheeks, running her thumb under Arizona's eyes before cupping her cheek and pulling her against her body. Arizona felt a sob run through her, trying to push it away but feeling it shake her. Her body trembled as she cried against Callie, hearing her let out soothing noises and tell her everything was okay as she ran her hands through the blonde's hair, tickling her fingers.

"I understand. Don't cry. It's okay. Please don't cry."

…

 _Just want to say a massive thank you to all of those who are reading and especially to those who comment. I've been planning on writing this fic for a long time but never actually got round to doing it, so thank you to those of you who are enjoying it now that I finally have. I'm hitting a busy part of my life at the minute so, even though I'll try, updates may not be as regular. Once again thank you for reading, hope you enjoy._


	7. Blindsided

Arizona dropped herself down onto the bar stool, swinging her bag onto the one next to her and looking up at Joe to flash him a thankful smile when a large glass of white wine was placed in front of her. She lifted the glass and took a small sip, feeling it run down her throat and loosen the tightness in her muscles from a long day hunched over her desk going through copious amounts of paperwork. Arizona would always moan about how her body ached whenever she spent a whole day in the OR, but that was a good ache. She appreciated the way her lower back felt stiff and her thighs felt solid after a day like that. But a day spent in her office wasn't worth the way her back cracked and her neck felt rigid. She glanced around the bar as she took another sip from her glass, setting it down and twirling it in her fingers. She watched Yang and Kepner bicker for a few minutes, arguing over surgeries being stolen and threats being passed between the two. Arizona admired their flare from afar, just casually watching the conversation before feeling her eyes being torn away when the bar stool to her left was being filled by Teddy.

"Joe, can I get a gin and tonic and two tequilas please?" Teddy asked as she leant on the bar, a wide spread grin tugging on her lips. Arizona just watched her for a moment, waiting until the drinks had been placed in front of Teddy and she was sliding one of the shots across the bar to the blonde, the grin on her face only growing.

"Are we celebrating something? Did you and Henry finally sign the papers for the apartment?" Arizona asked as she eyed the shot cautiously, Teddy smirking into her drink as she took a gulp before setting it down and shaking her head gleefully.

"Nope."

"Then what?" Arizona sighed tiredly, taking another drink from her wine and running her finger up and down the glass. Teddy turned in her stool so that her body was facing Arizona, making the blonde feel slightly on edge by the way Teddy's eyes burned into her and the smug grin beamed at her.

"I broke Callie." She said in a satisfied tone, lifting her drink and laughing softly into it. Arizona just frowned at her, it was all she could think to do. She let out her own small laugh, partly in confusion and partly to control the sinking in her stomach at hearing the woman's name.

"Excuse me?"

"I broke her down. You know, got her to let the cat out of the bag. The chicken out of the henhouse. The whale out of the-"

"Teddy, speak English." Arizona cut through, Teddy wiggling her eyebrows at Arizona and leaning further forward on the stool with her arm on the bar to balance her. Arizona could feel her heart thumping in her chest, curious about what Teddy was about to say but at the same time wanting to stand up and leave the bar. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to know about Callie right now, any or any longer to be fair.

"I knew there was something going on between you two and I got her to talk. God, I am a pretty much a medical marvel."

"Oh yeah, what did she say?" Arizona smirked at Teddy who was draining the rest of gin and tonic in an impressive speed, signalling to Joe for another refill before looking back to Arizona with one of the proudest smiles she had ever seen.

"Well, it took a while to actually get everything out of her because she thought I knew it all so she kept leaving parts out, but I got it all in the end. Anyway, I know that she told you she loves you, you both slept together and now you're stuck on the island of unknown and she's just sort of floating by waiting to see when you're going to reel her in."

"Oh," was all Arizona could manage, the blonde just nodding her head for a moment. Teddy sighed softly, the grin now dropping and turning into a small, concerned and sincere smile. The joking tone that had been simmering in the conversation was now gone, leaving a heavy bubble of air between the two women.

"She's confused as fuck, Arizona. _I'm_ even confused by the whole thing and I like to pride myself on knowing you pretty well. What's going on?"

"I don't know." Arizona mumbled into her wine glass, her voice sounding childlike and moody as she took a gulp and ignored Teddy's gaze that was burning holes into the side of her head.

"Well, I'm sorry, but _I don't know_ isn't really good enough. Not for me and especially not for Callie."

"Well it's all I've got to offer right now, Teddy." Arizona snapped, her voice coming out bitter and rude. She let out a small breath and offered Teddy a weak, apologetic smile. Teddy smiled back as she sighed, turning in the stool so she was facing the bar again. She stirred her gin and tonic with the small red straw, poking at the ice as Arizona just sat and twirled her glass again, the silence between the two women deafening until Teddy groaned and spoke.

"Arizona, do you love her or not? Because that's the simple part."

"Of course I love her, but it's complicated."

"Why is it complicated? Why does it _have_ to be complicated?" Teddy exhaled, looking exasperated as she continued to poke at the ice in her drink. Arizona just shrugged her weary shoulders, looking to Teddy with a small, gloomy smile.

"We broke up because she wanted kids and I didn't. I _still_ don't. I'm not deliberately making it complicated, it just is."

"Okay, fine. But why, if it is so damn complicated, are you two having sex every chance you can get? You're going at it like two horny teenagers in on call rooms."

"No we're not, that was over a month ago. We're not doing anything anymore. I've been-"

"Avoiding her? Yeah, she's noticed. Why?" Teddy asked with an arched eyebrow, Arizona feeling a wave of guilt wash through her when Teddy looked at her like that. It reminded her of every time she walked down a hallway and saw Callie, turning the other way and just hoping the brunette neither saw her nor followed her. It reminded her of the multiple times Callie had sat down with her to share lunch, walked with her to the carpark, offered casual conversation as Arizona handed in her final charts at night. Every single time Arizona had done the same painful thing; kept the conversation short and sweet, leaving as soon as possible. _Sorry, I really need to go. I can't talk right now. Have a nice night, Callie_. Arizona sighed softly as she dropped her head into her hand, looking to Teddy next to her.

"Mark told me to stay away from her."

"And since when do you listen to Mark?" Teddy laughed, looking across the bar to where the man himself was stood with Derek throwing darts at the board. Arizona followed her eyes, Mark catching their eyes for a moment and offering a weak head nod before continuing with Derek. Arizona looked back to Teddy, not being able to stop the smirk on her face when she noticed Teddy glaring at Mark. She tapped her arm to pull the woman's eyes back, rolling her own eyes at her.

"I listen to him since he's right, Teddy," Arizona sighed as she took a gulp from her wine, "Callie is- we're not _good_ for each other anymore but we keep going back to each other, every single time, and all is does is hurt us both. I thought we could be friends but I was wrong. I don't think we can so now I'm just- now I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just avoiding her because I don't know what to say. But I know it's better than pulling her back in and making everything harder for both of us."

"Maybe you two keep going back to each other for a reason. You _both_ say that you don't want to hurt each other, but neither of you can see that you're _both_ hurting now. I don't understand it, Arizona."

"I'd rather hurt her like this. Like this she can find someone else, she can be happy with someone else, as hard as that is for me. We can both move on." Arizona sighed, Teddy chewing on her red straw in the corner of her mouth like a cowboy. She snatched it from her mouth and gave Arizona and infuriated laugh.

"But you're not moving on, you have never really tried. Yes, there was all of those women for a time but you never really tried anything. You never saw them as anything else but a fun night out in a bar and sex on your couch. And she _clearly_ hasn't moved on either. You both still love each other."

"This is just for the best, Teddy. Maybe after some more time we can try and be friends or something, but for now it's not working."

"Jesus, Arizona. You two are a mess." Teddy sighed, her voice sounding hopeless as she cocked her head and looked at the blonde. Arizona just shrugged her shoulders, trying to curve her lips upwards into a smile and failing. So instead she just looked at Teddy, a sad glaze in her eyes.

"I just want her to be happy. That's all I want."

"Even if it means you aren't?" Teddy asked softly, their voices so quiet compared to the rest of the bar yet still managing to speak everything so loud.

"Yes, even then."

"We're going to need more of these," Teddy spoke as she pushed the shot of tequila closer to Arizona, lifting her own and knocking it back. She eyed Arizona for a moment until the blonde caved and lifted the small glass, downing the contents and trying to ignore the way her throat had to tighten to stop vomit from crawling up it. Arizona scrunched her face as she looked to Teddy who was waving Joe over, pushing the two empty shot glasses back to him, "we're going to need more of these and we're going to need you to keep them coming. We're in for a _long_ night."

/

Arizona knew she needed to look away, she had been staring at her for too long. But she didn't want to. She just wanted to look at the way Callie's hair was falling in tighter curls today, the way it always did whenever she fell asleep when it was still wet. Arizona used to get home from a late day at work, climb into bed and feel the pillow wet from Callie's hair, her shampoo smelling stronger. Arizona was sat and looking at the way her lips were curling into a smile at something Mark spoke to her, the smile growing wider and wider and showing all her teeth. It was a full, proper smile. Arizona felt her own mouth tugging into a smile at the sight of it. She could faintly hear her laugh at the end of the table, but she could see the way Callie pushed her head back a little, the way her hand stretched out to touch Mark's arm for a brief second as they both laughed over something he said. Arizona wanted to make her laugh. She wanted to be the one on the other end of the laugh. Hearing it. Seeing it. Feeling the touch on her arm.

"You're staring at her."

"What?" Arizona fumbled as she tore her eyes away from Callie, looking up at Teddy who was setting a tray of food down on the table and was flopping into the empty spot next to her. Teddy just laughed at the way Arizona tried to act nonchalant, forcing a confused frown onto her face.

"You can't avoid her and ignore and act like you're strangers and then stare at her. Not only is it not fair on her, it's weird. _Stop_ staring at her. You said you wanted to keep things casual and normal, so do that. She's still in the same friendship group as you, she's still sat on the same table, you still get to hear how her day is going. Just don't stare at her from the other end of the table."

"Shut up." Arizona mumbled pathetically, Teddy just laughing as she forked a mouthful of lasagne into her mouth and chewed on it with a proud smile. Arizona prodded at her salad, stabbing a tomato and popping it into her mouth as she zoned out of the conversation now passing between Teddy and Owen about a wreckage that came into the ER that morning. Arizona felt her eyes flickering to Callie every now and then. She looked as when she was checking her phone. She looked when she was chatting with Mark. She looked when Callie asked Teddy how the apartment search was coming along. And then she looked when Callie was looking at her, their eyes meeting and freezing. Arizona's heart felt like it clenched in her chest, her eyes drowning in Callie's dark brown ones and struggling to tear away. She felt like they had looked at each other for minutes, but in reality it had been less than a minute, a passing glance almost. _Seconds_.

"Sloan, have you seen…" Derek snapped as she marched towards the table, his tie hanging loosely around his neck and his tired eyes looking stressed. His voice trailed off as he scanned the table, his eyes falling on Arizona who swallowed down the tomato in her throat thickly, "Robbins, there you are."

"Chief?" Arizona asked weakly, flashing her best work smile up at him as she watched him scratch at his unshaven beard for the day. His eyes looked tired, layers of skin hanging limply underneath them. His suit that he was wearing looked somewhat crumpled, as though he had spent the entire day sat in his office chair not moving.

"Robbins, is there a reason why I'm getting phone calls from McCale at Hopkins wondering whether you have made your decision on the job offer yet? They wanted to know if it was me that was holding the process up."

"They called you?" Arizona fumbled, swallowing once more when she felt like the tomato was still stuck in the base of her throat. It felt like it was swelling in size, making her choke on the words that were trying to come up.

"They offered you a job again?" Teddy asked from beside her, Arizona's eyes only looking to her quickly for a moment before she looked back to Derek when his voice snapped once more.

"Yes, they _called_ me. When were you planning on telling me that you're leaving?"

"Those rat bastards. I told you they were trying to poach you. Why won't they take the hint that you're not interested?" Teddy laughed through a mouthful of lasagne, Arizona just swallowing slowly as she looked around the table. Every single set of eyes were burning in her, including Callie's at the far end. Arizona felt like she was under a spotlight as she looked back to Derek, his brow arched and waiting for an answer. Arizona pushed her salad around with her fork as she fumbled over her words.

"Uhm, I'm not- well, I haven't fully decided on anything yet so I didn't mention it. I didn't think they were would ring you just yet."

"Well they did. So when you do decide can please let me know whether I need to find a new Peds attending? I _really_ don't need this right now."

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry." Arizona spoke weakly as Derek started to walk away, the table silent for a moment until Teddy cracked through it, her voice not its usual chirpy-self and instead laced in confusion. Arizona looked to her and could see the frown all over her face.

"Wait a minute, you're seriously considering it this time? What happened to you saying it was never really a proper job offer?"

"Teddy, I don't really know at the minute. I'm just- I'm thinking about it and seeing what they're offering. I haven't decided anything yet." Arizona offered, Teddy just frowning even further. The silence on the table was suffocating, Arizona staring down at her salad when she couldn't look at Teddy's confused and disappointed face anymore. The deafening silence remained for a moment more until the sound of chair legs screeching across the floor made Arizona look up, watching as Callie spoke to Mark quickly. _I have surgery, I need to go_. Arizona felt guilt wash over her like cold, frozen water as Callie stormed away from the table, Mark speaking her name weakly but knowing it was pointless. Arizona wanted the ground to open and swallow her up when he turned and glared her.

She let out a small groan as she speared another tomato and popped it into her mouth, her head hanging low as she just stared at her wilting salad and pretended she couldn't feel the eyes burning into her.

/

Arizona and Teddy flashed a thankful smile to the woman who had opened the door for them, watching as she turned and walked back out into the hallway after offering them time to look around. Arizona turned on her heel and looked back to Teddy who was walking into the empty space, eyeing the bare walls as she slouched about and kicked her heels against the hardwood floor. Arizona peered down at the pamphlet she had been handed, scanning the information on the apartment as she strolled through and followed the sound of Teddy's clicking heels on the wood. Arizona stopped when the noise of Teddy's feet stopped, looking up to see her peering through the wide glass windows that lined the apartment, looking out over the city.

"What happened to the other apartment? The one that you both liked? This one is more expensive." Arizona commented as Teddy turned away from the window and walked over to the kitchen area, eyeing all of the dark black cupboards that lined the wall before running her fingers over the shined marble island.

"Henry said he wasn't sure if it was for us. What does the even mean, _not for us_? It's an apartment. All I do is eat, shower and sleep here. And even then, most of the time I do all of that at the hospital. What about this apartment screams me and Henry?"

"It _screams_ bachelor pad, if you ask me. This is something Mark would live in. Henry liked this one when he viewed it?" Arizona asked as she stepped closer to the window, peering out at the sunny Seattle day and looking at the downtown buildings and the glimpse of water. She turned back around to Teddy after a moment, watching her open and close cupboard doors haphazardly without ever really looking in them.

"Yeah, I've been busy so I just told him to go and view some apartments without me and then I'd look when I could," Teddy commented as she closed a cupboard door and looked back out over the open living space they had just walked through, "I guess we could make it more homey and cosy. You know, make it less-"

"Less Mark?"

"Yeah." Teddy sighed as she leant against the kitchen island for a moment, swirling her fingers on the marble counter top and looking over to Arizona who rolled her eyes and let out a low breath.

"Well, I don't want to be the one to point out the obvious here, but I saw the pictures of the last apartment that you both liked. And apart from this one being a little more expensive, the only thing different is that this has two bedrooms instead of one. So, unless you and Henry have separate rooms, I think he's trying to hint something to you about what's to come in his future plans."

"Trust me, I'm _very_ aware of the second bedroom." Teddy groaned as she pushed off the island and turned to walk down the small halfway that led to the bedrooms, Arizona following after as they entered into the second bedroom.

"You would think after all of our talk about me not wanting kids I would know about you. Do you want them?"

"I don't know. I mean, yes. Of course I want kids, but this is all very fast. This time a year ago Henry was just some patient without health insurance and I was just some doe-eyed doctor who was in love with her friend and thought I would do something nice for someone who needed it. Now look at me, I'm looking for a new two-bedroom apartment to live in with my husband who keeps badgering me for a divorce."

"I'm confused. You don't want a divorce?" Arizona asked as they walked out of the bedroom and headed for the other, their feet now padding on soft, plush carpet. Arizona walked to the window and looked at the view of the city as Teddy flicked the light on for the ensuite bathroom, eyeing it from the doorway.

"If I divorce him, he's going to ask me to marry him."

"That makes no sense. That's just a waste of money, isn't it? You're already married."

"I know, it's ridiculous, but it's what he wants. He wants to get down on one knee and propose to me, he wants a big fancy wedding with me in an ugly, puffy, white wedding dress. And fine, okay, I can sort of deal with that if it's what he wants. But I can't deal with it right now. I'm barely wrapping my head about moving out of my apartment, which I love by the way, and moving into this thing. He just… He moves quickly, _too_ quickly, and I just don't understand what the rush is sometimes."

Arizona sighed as she strolled across the bedroom and stood at the bathroom door with Teddy, walking in a second later to look at the large glass shower that nearly covered an entire wall. Arizona couldn't help but think about easy it would be to have sex in that shower, her mind momentarily flickering to a memory of her and Callie, before she focused her thoughts. She ran her fingers over the marble the encased the two sinks, turning and looking to Teddy who was just leaning against the door frame with a lopsided smile and sad eyes. Arizona let out a small laugh, cocking her to the side and catching Teddy's eyes.

"He was sick, Teddy. Like coughing-up-blood-in-the-ER kind of sick. Someone who's been through that learns to just live life, they do the things they want to do and say the things they want to say. Henry just wants to live as much of his life as he can and does everything quick so he can squeeze more in. He had a pretty huge reality check to kick him into gear. If it's too quick for you, just tell him. Just be honest with him."

"Because you're the queen of honesty?" Teddy muttered before pushing off the door frame and turning to walk away, Arizona stunned to the spot for a moment with wide eyes as she listened to Teddy's heel echo through the apartment once she was back out on the wooden floor. Arizona sighed and forced herself to walk, catching up with Teddy as she strolled down the hallway and back into the kitchen.

"So there is it. I was wondering how long it was going to be before this came up. I'll be honest, I was surprised you've managed to go for five whole days without mentioning it." Arizona joked as Teddy walked over to the stack of pamphlets on the kitchen island, snatching one up and throwing a glare at Arizona before reading it for a moment. Arizona waited for her to say something, sighing and walking back over to the window when Teddy didn't bite. It was another minute or so before she finally spoke, Arizona knowing the woman struggled, just like she did, to stop her words once they were coming.

"You've got this whole secret plan going on and I didn't know any of it. I never know anything anymore, Arizona," Teddy snapped, Arizona turning around and crossing her arms over her chest as she heard Teddy let out a frustrated groan, annoyed at herself for snapping, "I thought I was your _friend_. You never told me any of the stuff about your dad, you don't speak to me about Callie anymore unless I force it out of you, and you failed to mention that you might be moving across the country."

"Teddy, come on, you know you're my best friend," Arizona spoke softly, cocking her head and offering a goofy smile to Teddy who just huffed and scuffed her shoe on the floor, "I just didn't want to say anything about it until I knew more. I'm _still_ not decided."

"Well, you can't move. There, I made your decision for you." Teddy grumbled like a small child, looking back to the pamphlet and walking towards the fire place that was on the wall. Arizona just stood and watched her, a small smile on her face and a weak shrug coming to her shoulders.

"Why not? This is a great job opportunity, if I was anyone else you would be telling me that yourself. Hopkins is one of the best children's hospitals in the country. I would be running the Paediatric department at the same hospital I was trained at."

"You run the department here-"

"I know, but this is Hopkins." Arizona offered weakly, hearing Teddy let out a snort.

"I know we're not as fancy as Hopkins but Seattle Grace is still something, it's still known. We have surgeons here that people travel for. We have Mark, Derek and Webber. And we have _you_. People travel across the country for you, Arizona. You're the best in your field, you can't just leave. You have a life here."

"What's keeping me here?" Arizona sighed as she walked over to the kitchen island, leaning back against it and watching as Teddy fiddled with the fire place. She turned around a moment later and threw her arms about, her mouth wide as she thought of something to say.

"What about your apartment? You love your apartment, which is here, in _Seattle_." Teddy fired out a moment later, Arizona just laughing.

"The last time I checked they have those in Baltimore."

"What about the weather? It gets really hot in summer there, like stuffy-kind-of-hot. And it snows, you hate the snow. You love the weather here."

"I know, I lived there for a while, remember?" Arizona laughed, Teddy just sighed as she folded up the pamphlet and shoved it into her bag. Her head shooting up a moment later and her finger pointing at Arizona.

"Oh, what about Chewie? You can't just _leave_ him, you're the only person he likes."

"He can get on a plane as well," Arizona laughed, Teddy swinging on her heel and walking away as she sulked, Arizona sighed and followed after her, "Teddy, come on, this is a good opportunity for me. I'd be stupid not to consider it at least."

"Okay, well, what about me?" Teddy asked as she turned mid-walk, Arizona nearly walking into her but stopping just in time, "I'm here, in Seattle. I work here, I live here. I'm here, aren't I?"

"Teddy," Arizona sighed softly, a lump in her throat suddenly forming as she looked at Teddy who offered a weak shrug of her shoulders and the saddest smile Arizona had ever seen her give. "Of course I'll miss you if I go, you're my best friend. But I'll come back and visit, and you can come and visit me. We'll have some crazy drunken nights in Baltimore, I'll take you to all the place I used to stumble out of when I was resident. We can relive my heyday of drinking."

"You really need to think about this, Arizona. This isn't just some move over to Seattle Pres, or even LA. You can't just hop on a plane and be back in two hours. This is across the whole country, it's a big move."

"I know, that's why I'm still thinking about it. Trust me, I'm not making some rash decision to pack my bags and just move to Baltimore, I'm thinking it through. I promise." Arizona spoke softly, grabbing Teddy's hand and giving it a small squeeze. Teddy flashed Arizona a more hopeful smile, squeezing her hand back before turning and looking to the wall where an oversized tv hung. Arizona stared at it, thinking about what cooking programmes would like on such a big screen. She wasn't expecting the way her stomach churned when Teddy spoke.

"Do you really think that moving to the other side of the country is going to make you love her any less, or forget about her? Because you're an idiot if you do."

"So where are you going to put that hideous coffee table that Henry has in his apartment?" Arizona asked almost immediately, glancing to Teddy when she felt her eyes on her.

Arizona just stared at her, pleading Teddy not push this. She didn't want to talk about this. She didn't want to discuss Callie when it came to this because she was so painfully aware that the entire thing was laced with the idea of Callie. She didn't want to think about the thought of moving to the other side of the country and leaving Callie on the other. It made her heart ache and her stomach churn. Would they ever speak again? She doubted it. Best case scenario would be Arizona popping back to Seattle for a few days or maybe to work on case. She would bump in Callie at the coffee cart, or see her in a hallway, and they would pass brief small talk. Callie would ask how Baltimore is. Arizona would ask how Seattle is. They would both say they've been busy and that's why they haven't had the chance to call and stay on touch like they promised on the day Arizona left. And then they would make another feeble promise of staying in touch better before they walked on. And that would be it. If Arizona moved to Baltimore that would be her best case scenario with Callie, and it made her want to crawl up on a ball in the middle of the empty apartment she was currently in and ignore everything. Ignore Teddy. Ignore the world. But she couldn't, so instead Arizona just stared at Teddy and pleaded with her eyes for Teddy to answer her question and not push the topic of Callie.

"Well, he doesn't know this yet, but the ugly table isn't coming. If he's going to make me move into this apartment, pop out a kid to fill the second bedroom that'll only fill with dust if we don't, and marry him a big, white dress, he can lose the ugly table. I think it's only a fair deal."

"Count yourself lucky, he could suggest you look at three or four bed houses instead of just two bedroom apartments."

/

Arizona watched a small group of people shuffle out the elevator, the small smile dropping from her tired face once they were gone and she stepped in. She shoved her thumb against one of the buttons before moving to the back of the elevator, leaning against and thankful when the doors closed and left her alone. As the elevator moved she leant her head back against the wall, her eyes falling closed as she let out a long, slow, deep breath. The days felt like they were going impossibly slow. Every time she turned a corner she would see Callie, and instead of her running Callie now was. She would take one glance at Arizona and bolt in the other direction, but not without throwing a glare at her first.

Arizona couldn't help but think maybe it was for the best. Maybe she should just accept the job offer and leave with Callie being angry at her. It's easier to forget about someone you're angry with. You don't sit around and miss someone you're angry with. It was all too exhausting. Every single day she had Teddy questioning her on whether she had made her mind up yet, Derek appearing moments later and asking the same thing. Every time she answered she said the same words _. I'll let you know as soon as I know, okay?_ Because Arizona still didn't know. She _still_ didn't know whether to move to the other side of the country to escape everything. Not just Callie, but her father. Every time she walked into the ICU she would see the room that her father died in. She operated in the same OR that he had been in the other day, the wave of memories hitting her as she stepped up to the table and forcing her to take a moment. Everything here carried a memory of something Arizona either wanted to forget or struggled to ignore. Everything here just meant _something_ and it was all too much recently.

Arizona opened her eyes when the elevator came to a stop, only two floors below where it had been, and the door opened to reveal Callie stood waiting. She looked like she wanted to scream when her eyes fell on Arizona, her arms hoisting her bag further onto her shoulder before she stepped into the elevator and prodded a button. Arizona just stared at the back of her head, eyeing her dark curls as the doors closed and the heavy silence feel between them. It was thick. _Suffocating_. Arizona opened her mouth, closing it when she thought better. Callie didn't want to speak to her. Her trying to justify herself was only helping her. But Arizona opened her mouth once more and blinked away her thought. _Screw it, I'm justifying myself this time_.

"Callie…" was all she managed before Callie turned and raised a hand to her, her eyes stern and cold.

"Don't, Arizona." She barked at her, Arizona closing her mouth like a puppy who had been scolded. She slouched against the wall as she watched Callie turn back around, her head cocking to the side impatiently as the elevator moved slowly. Arizona sighed, watching her for a brief second before trying again.

"Callie, I was going to tell you, I just-"

"When did they make the offer?" Callie asked as she turned her whole body to face Arizona. Arizona suddenly regretted the decision of standing against the back wall, she felt closed in. She felt like she couldn't run away and that wasn't because she was in a metal box with closed doors that was moving, but because Callie was staring at her in a way that was making her shrink down the size of a small ant. She swallowed thickly, not wanting to answer that question. She knew the answer would lead to. _Yelling. Anger. More glares_. Nothing good would come from it.

"Callie…"

"When, Arizona?" Callie snapped in a brutal tone, Arizona not being able to stop the flinch that rippled over her body. Callie's eyes were burning into her, dark and cold. Arizona clenched her jaw for a moment, sucking her bottom lip in and chewing on it. She looked back over to Callie, her eyes feeling sad as they peered at the furious woman.

"About a month ago. They called me and said that McCale is retiring and they want me to take over as they Head of Peds there."

"A month ago? _Wow_ ," Callie spoke, a small laugh of disbelief coming from her as she took a step back from Arizona, just shaking her head a little. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

"Of course I was, I was just waiting until-"

"Until you had stopped avoiding me? Until you weren't ignoring me? Until you had finished packing your bags?"

"Will you just let me finish?" Arizona snapped, her voice not sounding harsh but just tired. She couldn't find the words quick enough to keep up with Callie and it was all going wrong. She wasn't saying the right things, she wasn't using the right words. The glare in Callie's eyes wasn't leaving, only intensifying and it was all going _wrong_.

"Why should I, Arizona?" Callie snapped, a huff of breath coming after it. Callie stepped back until she was leaning on the side wall of the elevator, Arizona gripping the bar behind her. She just looked at her for a moment, offering a smile that dropped when Callie just looked back at with a straight-lined mouth.

"I was waiting until I knew the whole story. What the official offer was, whether I wanted it or not. I was waiting until I knew everything before until I told anyone. _Nobody_ knew, Callie, it wasn't just you."

"And now you know that you want it. Well done." Callie muttered, readjusting her bag and pulling her hair out from under the strap. Arizona just shook her head weakly when Callie looked back over to her.

"I still don't know."

"I get it, Arizona. Don't worry. Congratulations, I guess." Callie mumbled weakly, her voice turning from angry to sad within one sentence. Arizona opened her mouth to say something, anything to make it better, but before she could the elevator doors were opening and Callie was walking down the hallway away from her. She watched as she went, her hair swaying and her feet moving quickly. Arizona was just stood against the back wall, watching her leave. Much in the same way Callie had watched her leave after their kiss in the elevator all those months ago. How had they gotten here? Arizona just watched her until the doors reclosed, dropping her head back against the wall and not even groaning when it hit with a thud. She deserved it.

/

Arizona swung the door open and walked into the research lab, her eyes falling on Teddy who was peering down into a microscope and Lexie Grey who was stood beside her holding a stack of petri dishes in hands. Arizona walked over to the chair on the other side of the table, flopping down into and throwing her arms over her chest, letting out a puff of air.

"What's wrong now?" Teddy asked without moving away from the microscope, toggling the measurements on it and peering into it for another moment before looking up to Arizona, arching an eyebrow and waiting for her to answer.

"Callie is mad at me." Arizona huffed, hearing Teddy let out a small chuckle as she took one of the dishes from the stack in Lexie's arm and scribbled something onto the lid.

"How mad?"

"Like, _really_ mad. She glares at me every time sees me, she avoids me every time I'm near her. And if I finally do get close enough to her to talk, Mark is there like a human wall of China, staring me down with these stupid eyes until I finally walk away. I mean, this is silly, right? She should _at least_ let me explain myself."

"Can I say something?" Lexie pondered, raising one of her hands like she was in school and balancing the dishes before dropping the arm to catch them when they slipped. Arizona look at her for a second before shaking her head.

"No."

"Hey, she's my resident at the minute. Fire away, Little Grey, hit Dr Robbins here with some of your insight." Arizona rolled her eyes at Teddy before looking to Grey, raising her eyebrows to tell her to begin. Lexie coughed to clear her throat.

"Well, _respectfully_ Dr Robbins, can you blame Dr Torres for being mad? I mean, she loves you. I don't know what went on but hospital gossip spreads like wildfire so whether I want to or not, I hear things. She was there for you when you needed her, you were both something and then suddenly you were nothing. And, again respectfully, I think she's pretty confused about that part. Add that to the fact you're suddenly moving across the country, which she knew nothing about, I think she would obviously get mad. So, _respectfully_ , I don't think it's outrageous for her to be a little angry, you've sort of been as ass with the way you've handled all of this. I'm sure you had your reasons for being like this, but still, you're as ass in her eyes. I don't think you have any right to _expect_ her to just listen to you, you need to earn that. _Respectfully_ , of course, Dr Robbins."

Arizona just stared at Lexie, having to clench her jaw to stop it from dropping open. She could see a shade of red growing on Lexie's cheeks, her eyes now staring down at the dishes in her hands. Silence settled through the room until it was broken by Teddy snorting, lifting her head from the microscope and laughing as she looked between Lexie and Arizona.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I don't think you could have spoken that with any more _respect_. Bravo, Grey. You can go now, I know you're bored. Go and find some surgery to weasel your way on to."

Arizona watched as Lexie mumbled an excited _thank you_ , dropping the dishes onto the desk next to her and fumbling to restack them when they all collapsed and spilt. Arizona eyed Teddy for a moment, the other woman arching an eyebrow and communicating with just a look. Arizona sighed, looking over her shoulder when Lexie opened the door.

"Grey, I have a kid in the ER who needs an appendectomy. Go and admit them and then get an OR booked. You can scrub in on that."

"Thank you." Lexie spoke quickly before disappearing out the door, the only noise in the room being Teddy's laugh. Arizona just shot her a glare, Teddy laughing more.

"What? She had a point. And she spoke it well."

"I know," Arizona grumbled, slouching further down in the chair and hearing Teddy sigh as she grabbed one of the dishes from before. Arizona threw her legs up onto the edge of the desk, having them knocked off by Teddy a minute later.

"Arizona, if you really want to speak to her, then go and try one more time. But if she won't listen this time, then maybe you need to just leave it for a while, give Callie some time to simmer down. Speak to her when she's not as angry," Teddy spoke, Arizona just grumbling to herself before Teddy snapped, "Arizona, seriously, woman up and go speak to her. Do _something_ , anything. Just stop sulking in my lab."

/

Arizona strolled lazily down the hallways of her Peds ward, popping into the occasional room to speak to a kid or have a conversation with a parent. She played with her stethoscope as she walked, pulling it against her neck and sighing as she stopped at the nurse's desk, asking for any updates and groaning when there was nothing. It was a quiet day. A quiet day was never good. Arizona stood and stared at the clock for a moment. She still had hours until her shift was finished. She sighed as she glanced around, her eyes falling upon the room to her left and stilling when she noticed dark hair that she recognised. Arizona pushed away from the desk and walked towards the room, stopping in the doorway.

She watched as Callie opened and closed the small cupboard beside the bed, swinging the drawer and slamming it closed a second later. Callie was part way through pulling the bed apart, swinging pillows up and pushing blankets to the side, when Arizona coughed to clear her throat. Callie looked over, stilling for a moment, before continuing with her search. Arizona watched for another moment as she shoved her hand down the crack of the bed, pulling it along and groaning when it came out empty.

"What are you looking for?" Arizona finally asked, Callie not even looking at she walked to the drawers and began to open them, shoving the things inside to look under them.

"A stupid elephant." She answered a moment later, slamming the top drawer closed and opening the next one. She was angry, very angry. Arizona swallowed and considered leaving. Teddy was right, she needed to simmer down. Maybe Arizona did want to speak to her, and maybe it was for selfish reason to justify herself, but now wasn't the time. She considered turning to leave, but stayed.

"An elephant?"

"I'm meant to be operating on my Osteosarcoma kid but he refuses to even start the aesthesia without some stupid stuffed elephant that he never lets go. I sent Yang to find it but of course she _never_ pays attention to things like that so she had no idea what it looks like. So, here I am searching for a stupid elephant which means I'm going to have to re-scrub and I'll be behind on my schedule all day."

"Do you want me to help?" Arizona asked softly, watching as Callie stood up for a moment, her hand fumbling to tighten her scrub cap before she looked to Arizona. Her eyes looked soft for a mere moment before they returned to the harsher ones she was used to.

"No." She snapped, Arizona sighing as she stood and leant against the door frame. She watched Callie make it through two more drawers before she forced herself into the room and looked for the toy anyway. She lifted the cushion from the chair, dropping it back down and looking under the chair. As she went to push herself back up she stopped, her eyes falling on a small, blue, stuffed elephant sat under the bed looking right at her. She walked over, bent down and grabbed it before pushing herself up. Callie was kicking the bottom drawer closed in frustration, turning and looking for a new area to search before stopping when she noticed the animal in Arizona's hand. Arizona smiled softly as she walked towards Callie, offering the elephant before pulling her hand back as Callie went to grab it.

"Callie, I swear I was going to tell you." Arizona spoke, the words tumbling out of her mouth before she even thought about them. She gripped the elephant in her hands, Callie sighed and dropped her hand that she had stretched out to take the animal.

"I don't have time for this right now. I can't- I _need_ to go."

"I know, but I was just want to explain. I was just waiting for the right time and I didn't-"

"That's not why I'm angry, Arizona." Callie sighed softly, her eyes turning from angry to sad. Arizona frowned in confusion, running her fingers over the fluffy ears and watching as Callie sighed and played with the seam of the long blue operating gown that was wrapped around her.

"Then why are you angry?"

"That's why I was annoyed at first, but now I'm just angry at myself for being so stupid. God, I'm such as idiot," Callie breathed out, rubbing her forehead for a minute before looking straight at Arizona, "I'm angry that this keep happening, over and over again. I love you too much and sometimes-"

"Callie, please don't…" Arizona whispered. Hearing that wasn't going to make this any easier. Hearing those words wasn't going to help anything, all it was going to do was make Arizona's chest ache more.

"No, Arizona, that's not what I'm saying," Callie spoke, her voice stronger than Arizona expected, "I love you _too_ much. I love you so much that sometimes it hurts to be around you now, yet I always come back to you. We always end up back in the exact same position and then wonder why we're hurting. And for a while I thought that's what love was supposed to feel like, I was supposed to love someone so much that it engrossed every single thing in my life… but it's not. We shouldn't feel like this. So I'm angry because I'm so stupid that I keep doing this to myself over and over and not learning. Maybe you leaving is the best thing for both of us now. It'll stop whatever it is that's going on between us."

"What are you saying?" Arizona croaked, her throat feeling tight as she stood and stared at Callie who leant forward and took the stuffed elephant from her hands. Callie fiddled with it for a minute, looking at it instead of Arizona. She sighed a moment later and just shrugged her shoulders when she looked up.

"I just…" Callie's voice faded, both of them whispering in the room.

"Do you want me to leave? Is that what you're saying?" Arizona asked weakly, praying that Callie wouldn't answer in the way Arizona felt like she was going to. She wanted to close her eyes and pretend she didn't see the way Callie nodded her head. She wanted to throw herself under water and pretend she couldn't hear Callie when she spoke, her voice shaking and cracking.

"I think it would be the best thing for both of us now."

Arizona felt frozen to the spot when Callie just moved to step around her. Arizona didn't turn, she didn't want to watch her walk away. Arizona couldn't believe how egotistical and naïve she had been at the same time. Throughout this entire thing she had never considered that maybe Callie would want her to leave. She had always just assumed she would be the one saying goodbye, leaving Callie heartbroken but both knowing it was for best. She never considered that Callie would be the one saying goodbye first.

Arizona wiped a quick tear from her cheek when she heard her name being spoken from the door, turning around to see Callie still in the room having been blocked by the nurse in the doorway. Arizona cocked her head at the nurse, waiting for her to speak. She frowned when she heard the confusion and stress in the nurse's voice.

"Dr Robbins, we've been placed on lockdown."

….

 _So I thought I would post the next chapter to this seen as we've all been through a tough week after Grey's on Thursday. I still have hope for Calzona in the future and until then I guess we'll just have to write it ourselves. Thank you to all of those who are reading and to those who comment. Much appreiciated._


	8. Clarity

Arizona snatched the phone up and prodded a few numbers before shoving it between her ear and her shoulder, pulling her mobile out from her pocket and checking it. Nothing. Nothing had come through, nothing was out of the ordinary, nothing was alarming. She let out a shallow sigh, pretending she couldn't feel Callie's eyes burning into her as she stood and waited for someone to answer. She didn't need this right now. She looked around the busy nurse's station, eyeing almost every single nurse and doctor that were on the floor, having all swarmed at the spreading news. They impatiently waited, Arizona trying to focus her hearing on the phone rather than on the buzz of conversation that was growing louder. An endless muttering noise surrounded her like a low hum, Arizona snatching the phone back into her hand to press it harder against her ear. She finally looked up to Callie after a moment when she heard her speaking.

"I mean, this has to be a joke or something, right? Is it a drill? Do you think they're testing us? This is _has_ to be a drill right, Arizona?"

"Callie," Arizona snapped, her voice coming out harsher that she thought it would, "I don't know right now and I can't find out if you keep badgering me with questions. Just wait. I'll let you know as soon as I know something."

Arizona watched as Callie opened her mouth to say something again before closing it, a wash of acceptance running across her face before she nodded. Arizona swallowed slowly and tore her eyes away from the brunette. She couldn't look at her right now. When she looked at Callie all she could see was the way Callie's eyes had looked sad when she spoke the words from ten minutes ago, the conversation still burnt into the blonde's recent memory **.** _I think it would be the best thing for both of us now_. Arizona shook her head to remove the thoughts, shaking them out as she glanced to the clock to see it was only mid-afternoon. _Why would they schedule a drill for this time?_ Arizona wanted to groan, pull her hair, even storm Derek's office and demand that he plan his drills for better times. She dropped the phone down a moment later when her pager beeped on her hip, followed by a chorus of everyone's hips a second later. Arizona eyed the typed word. _Lockdown_. They were actually on lockdown, this wasn't just a joke. She felt a small wave of panic mix in with her confusion, a strange concoction forming in the bottom of her stomach as she looked up to catch Callie's confused eyes.

"Okay, so this isn't a drill." Arizona spoke to the group around her, signalling with her hands for them to quieten down when four nurses all fired questions at her simultaneously.

"We're actually on lockdown? I thought it was joke." Dr Guzman laughed as she appeared at the desk, a stack of charts in her hands that she dropped down, her pager still clutched in her hand as she looked down and read it once more.

"Yes, we're on lockdown. We seal the floor, okay? Nobody goes in or out of those double doors, nobody comes or goes. Check on your patients, do what you need to do, and then come back here and see if there's others that need to be checked on. Luckily it's a quiet day, but we haven't got a lot of hands here so stay up to date and don't get sloppy."

"Why are we on lockdown? I mean, it has to be something bad right?" Guzman asked as the nurses scattered. Arizona just looked at her for a moment, shrugging her shoulders as she lifted the phone and re-dialled the number she had tried before, listening as it rang over and over with no answer.

"There's loads of reason we can be placed on lockdown. Earthquake, flooding, abduction. Oh, maybe it'll be a bomb. There was bomb here a few years ago, right? It was in a patient or something, I remember hearing about it." Dr Mostow spoke as he appeared at the other end of the desk next to Callie, the brunette raising her head and throwing a glare at him as Arizona slammed the phone down and caught the intern's attention.

" _Stop_ talking, right now. You're on a floor that is filled with small children who have ears and who are known to have a habit of listening in on conversations. So as bad as it would be for one of them to hear you right now, I can guarantee they would be nothing compared to if a parent heard you talking about abductions and bombs. They'll eat you alive. All of our kids are accounted for and we don't know what is going on right now. So close your mouth, keep your lips sealed, and go do your job if you can manage that. Check on your patients, both of you. _Now_."

Arizona watched as they each scooped up a chart and scampered away, her eyes glaring at them as she grabbed the phone and stared at it for moment. She racked her brain for more numbers to ring, narrowing down in her head who would know what's going on. She punched in a number, putting the phone back to her ear and leaning her hip on the desk as she looked up to Callie. She was still stood at the other end of the nurse's station, her phone in her hand and her fingers typing away. She dropped it down and sighed, stretching over the desk and grabbing the other phone, holding down one of the buttons before putting it to her ear and catching Arizona's eyes on her.

"I'm meant to be in the OR right now, this can't be serious." Callie sighed as she chewed on the end of a pen and waited for the phone to connect through.

"I can't connect through to anyone who knows anything. Everyone is in the same place as far as I can tell. We're just going to have to wait it out."

"No one in the OR is answering," Callie muttered, leaning back over to set the phone down before looking over to Arizona with angry and irritated eyes, "I don't want to just sit here and _wait it out_. I'm meant to be operating, not just sitting around."

"Well there's nothing else you can do so grab a chart and help. I'm sorry that you have to be stuck on the same floor as me for this, I'm sure that's a hardship for you." Arizona snapped before bending to grab the stuffed elephant that had been knocked onto the floor in the commotion, hearing Callie groan loudly as she walked down the hallway.

/

Arizona flashed one last smile at the two parents sat either side of their child on the bed, a book being shared between them all, before turning and walking out of the room. The smile dropped from her face immediately, her fidgety hands nervously pulled her phone from her pocket and scanning it. _Nothing_. It had nearly been an hour and she still knew nothing. Arizona dropped it back into her pocket and let out a small breath. Nothing was wrong, everything was fine. This was just a quick lockdown to get something under control that wasn't serious. _Nothing was actually wrong_. As she walked back to the nurse's station she could hear Callie's voice, getting louder and louder as she got closer but not from the closing distance, but because Callie was raising it.

"I asked you for Blake Scott's chart about ten minutes ago, where the hell is it? How am I supposed to know anything about her without the chart?"

"I gave it to you. You must have set it down somewhere." Mostow spoke, Arizona turning the corner to see him raiding the nurse's station for the chart, throwing things everywhere. Arizona sighed tiredly as she took in the sight of papers flying onto the floor, pens being scattered everywhere and piles of charts being knocked over due to his nervous and clumsy hands. She heard Callie let out a snort.

" _I_ set it down somewhere? Mostow, do me a favour and find the chart before I physically hurt you, and I'm talking bone breakage when I say that." Callie shouted at him, Mostow grabbing a stack of charts and going through them quickly.

"You need to stop yelling. You're making a scene and you're going to panic the makers of the tiny humans, which we really don't need." Arizona spoke calmly as she walked towards the desk, watching as Mostow found the chart and handed it over to Callie with a shaking hand. Callie snatched it from him, dropping it down and flipping it open before she turned and looked at Arizona.

"Frankly, right now I don't really care if I'm yelling." Callie muttered, looking at Arizona with a harsh glare in her eyes before turning to walk away. Arizona put her hand out and touched her arm, the light and brief feel enough for Callie to stop walking. She looked down to where Arizona's hand was pressed again her forearm, Arizona removing it.

"I _do_ care that you're yelling. And right now you're on the Peds floor and I'm the Head of Peds, so what I say goes. And I'm saying stop yelling, okay? The last thing we need is a riot on our hands and parent's asking questions about why they can't leave to go and get a coffee, or even why we're on lockdown, when we don't have the answer to give. Scared parents are a lot worse than just a scared patients, they're vicious, trust me."

"Arizona, it's manic in here," Callie snapped as she took a step back and put some space in between the two. Arizona swallowed and nodded, looking at the hard-set line on Callie's jaw, "nobody knows where anything is, everyone is rushed off their feet and I think we got stuck with the worse interns on the planet. Some of these parents are going to work out soon that something is wrong when they realise everyone is rushed off their feet but nothing is actually happening. You better get working on your answer for why we're on a lockdown, because you're going to need it soon."

"We have forty-two kids, four doctors and nine nurses. It's not enough, I know that that, but it's all we have so we just need to ride this one out." Arizona sighed as she turned and walked around the desk, entering the station and beginning to clean the mess on the floor. She placed the charts back in their sections, collecting the paper that was scattered on the floor as she heard Callie snap at Mostow again, this time in a low bark rather than a shouting tone.

"Why don't we just put all of the kids in the play room? We don't have enough staff for a whole floor so why don't we just stick them in one big room where we can keep an eyes on them. They'll all be in the same place so it'll be easier."

"We can't stick a load of sick kids in a big room together. It's a disaster waiting to happen." Mostow spoke as Arizona pushed herself up off the floor and neatened a pile of paper in her hands. She watched as Callie snapped her head to Mostow and glared at him like she was about to eat him.

"I swear to God, Mostow, if I see your face one more time today I am going straight for your femur, the most painful bone to break in your body, and I'm going to snap it in two. Do you know how much that hurts? You'll probably pass out. It's near your femoral artery as well, pretty serious."

"Little kids around," Arizona sighed as she set the papers down and stepped over to them, throwing Callie a look and watching as she just shrugged her shoulder in a sheepish manner and backed down, "Mostow, have the stable ones walking and then get Guzman to stick the others in wheelchairs. Let's do it. Tell them we're doing a group reading again and find some books and go read to them, okay? Whatever we're on lockdown for will be sorted soon."

/

Arizona searched through the bookcase, her fingers running over the spines of books as she moved along each shelf. She would grab every book she didn't recognise and pull it part way out, reading the front before shoving it back in and continuing the search. As she reached the bottom shelf she finally found the black manual book she had had spent twenty minutes raiding her office for, letting out a sigh of relief as she snatched it. She sat hunched over her desk, one hand flicking through the pages and the other grabbing the phone and dialling numbers with her spare fingers. She called two numbers, neither of them answering and her phone being slammed down harder each time. She was running her fingers down the page, finding another number and halfway through dialling when she looked up at the sound of faint knock on her door. She saw Callie filling the space of the opened door, pushing it open further and stepping into the office. Arizona held her finger, asking her to wait a minute, as she pressed more numbers on the keypad to be switched through to a different area.

Arizona watched as Callie stepped into the office, her hands swinging at her sides as she looked around the room. They used to spend a lot of time in this office. Whenever Arizona was too busy to stop working to have lunch, something that happened often after she picked up Kenley's work load, Callie would always appear at her door with two salads in hand. They had fallen asleep multiple times on the couch that Callie was walking past, both curled up impossibly close to each other due to the size. They would make a pact of just a small ten minute nap, only to be woken forty minutes later by a buzzing pager or a resident. They had even had sex on the very desk Arizona was leaning on, multiple times. Callie knocking on her door during the day and pouncing on her, wanting to celebrate a good outcome of a surgery. Arizona grabbing Callie and pressing her down onto the desk when they were leaving to go home, the blonde wanting her too much in that moment. They had spent a lot of time in the office that Callie was looking around. It had been their secret cave for a small amount of time. Nothing had changed, apart from the two pictures frames that used to sit on Arizona's desk with pictures of them in were now tucked away in her desk drawer. Callie looked for a moment more before circling round and walking back towards the door, clearing her throat and forcing Arizona to cover the phone with her hand and look at her.

"It's kind of busy out here, you know? The play room is packed with shouting kids, we could do with a hand. The kids want you to read a story, they asked for you. Some parents have been asking where you are as well, I think it worries them when they don't see you around."

"Okay, thanks for letting me know. I'll be out in a minute." Arizona sighed tiredly, looking back down to the book in front of her and flipping to the next page, reading the manual on lockdown situations. She looked back over to Callie when she didn't move, Callie letting out a sigh and cocking her head as she leant against the door.

"Arizona, come on. I know we don't particularly want to be stuck together right now, I know I would literally rather be anywhere else right now, but here are. We're stuck. So we're riding this out like you said and as soon as we're off lockdown I'll be gone, I'll be off your floor and that'll be it. But you can't sit and sulk in here when you're needed. So, come on."

Arizona snorted as she put the phone down in her hand, ending the call and shaking her head in disbelief. She looked over to Callie who was just frowning, rolling her eyes in frustration when Arizona let out another laugh of disbelief. Arizona loved every single part of Callie, she stood by that fact. She admired her confidence which others painted as arrogance. She found her small snores adorable when others moaned if they shared an on call room with her. But her occasional sway towards being self-centred was an aspect of Callie that Arizona struggled against, having always found it to be the hardest part of her to love. And deep down she did love it, because it showed how much Callie loved and respected herself. But she hated the way it sometimes forced Arizona into giving Callie an unwanted reality check. Arizona lifted the phone once and re-dialled the number as she looked over to Callie.

"That's awesome, Callie. _Super_ , really. I'm glad to hear that. But I'm not hiding, or avoiding you, or sulking. I'm not doing anything to do with you at the minute, actually. I'm in here because I have forty-two kids out there who are under my care and who need things like medicines which aren't available at the minute, or ORs which we can't get to right now. So I'm trying to find out why we're on this damn lockdown and if anyone knows anything about it. Like maybe when it's likely to end, so if you could just… _Jesus_ , why isn't anyone answering?!"

Arizona stopped talking and slammed the phone down when the number just rang out and nobody answered. The slam echoed off the walls of the small office, Arizona not failing to notice the way Callie flinched before she dropped her face into her hands and let out a muffled groan. The sound of the ticking clock on the wall filled the office for a moment, Arizona sat with her face in her hands letting the irritating bubble of anger that was swelling in her stomach pop and fade. She let out a shaky breath before dropping her hands onto the desk, looking to Callie. She looked nervous and worried, but still a small understanding smile tugged at the edges of her lips as she looked at Arizona anxiously. Arizona opened her mouth to apologise but was cut off by Guzman appearing at the door behind Callie."

"Dr Robbins?"

"What now?" Arizona snapped, her hands running through her hair when she dropped her head down and scratched through it. She looked back up to see Guzman shuffling nervously on the spot, looking to Callie for support and gaining nothing.

"Uhm, some of the parent's overheard talk of the lockdown between the nurses and now they want to know what's going on. They won't speak to anyone but you and they asked me to come and find you."

"Great. What part of keeping things quiet didn't people understand?" Arizona snapped as she pushed up from her office chair, grabbing the lockdown manual and tucking it under her arm before storming out of the office, sliding out of the door between Callie and Guzman.

/

Arizona waded her way through the small children that were sat on the floor in a group, glancing back to see one of the nurses dropping down onto the chair and continuing the book from where she had just left it. As Arizona turned back round her eyes met a group of parents all huddled at the back, their eyes burning into her as she tiptoed her way through a sea of kids and over to them. Arizona let out a shaky breath, taking another big one in and feeling her lungs blow up, before plastering her best fake smile onto her face. Even she knew it wasn't believable, none of the parents smiling back and instead all huddling around her like crows on a carcass as soon as she reached the back of the play room.

"Why did I hear some nurses talking about something called a lockdown? What is a lockdown?" Arizona heard the questions fired at her before she had even turned to face them all, unaware of which parent it came from due to how fast it had been shot at her. Arizona raised her hands when another barrage of questions were thrown straight away, unable to hear or understand any of them. She waited until they were quieter, raising her voice a little to speak over those who wouldn't stop.

"It means that nobody goes in or out of the double doors over there. No one leaves or enters the floor. The whole hospital has been placed on lockdown, it's just a precaution."

"A precaution for what? Why are we on this lockdown thing?" Arizona heard. She sighed softly, preparing herself for the wave of anger she was about to receive when she answered the question.

"I don't know that right now. I'm working on trying to find out but we need to focus on-"

"What do you mean you don't know? Why not? What could it be? You should know this. You're in charge, you should know-"

"I understand that you're worried, but I am doing everything I can right now to look after your children, we all are, please trust that. There is no point in worrying over something that we don't know, and that you don't need to worry about anyway. So please, just go and be with your children and leave all of the worrying to me. Keep them calm, they're confused. I have this under control."

"Are you sure you have this under control?" Arizona swallowed thickly as she heard the question, opening her mouth and feeling her words fail her. Did she have this under control? She hadn't managed to do anything yet. It had been two hours since they had been placed on lockdown and she didn't know anything more. It had been Callie's idea to move the kids to the play room. She hadn't gotten through to anyone on the phone who knew something. She was in the exact same position as she was when the nurse first came into the room and told her they were on lockdown. Arizona just nodded her head the parents, opening her mouth to try and say something reassuring. Anything reassuring. She was a surgeon. A well-educated, well-trained, surgeon. And right now she had never doubted herself more under the watchful eye of a six parents.

"Arizona, I need to speak to you. Right now." Callie spoke as she appeared at the blonde's side, her voice whispering in her ear before she walked on. Arizona watched Callie's back as she moved to the corner of the room, turning around with her phone in her hand a sickly look on her face. Arizona wanted to groan. She needed at least two minutes before she could deal with the next disaster, and right now she really didn't want to deal with Callie.

"Please, just go and be with your kids. I need to deal with something, excuse me," Arizona spoke weakly as she walked away, peering over her shoulder to see the parents all discussing in a small huddle as she reached Callie, "they're out for blood, more specifically mine. I told you it would get ugly if they found out."

"What did you tell them?"

"Nothing. Because I have nothing to tell them. I just said we're on lockdown and looked pathetic when I couldn't answer why, they- are you okay?" Arizona stopped and asked when she looked to Callie. Her eyes were wide and frantically looking around, her teeth chewing on her lip in the same nervous way she always did. Arizona just watched her for a moment, cocking her head to catch Callie's eyes and focus her.

"There's a shooter in the hospital."

"What?" Arizona breathed as she felt her body go rigid. She looked around them, grabbing Callie's elbow and pushing her further into the corner. Arizona felt like she was frozen as she looked to Callie's eyes that were glazed over with a shine of tears, her hands shaking with the phone in it. Arizona felt her brain go fuzzy, cloud over almost immediately. Her body was reacting before her brain could even register what was fully said.

"The reason we're on lockdown. There's a shooter in the hospital. I just got through to the police who are outside. They're evacuating the building, they've cleared the ORs already, but it's a SWAT team going room by room, floor by floor."

"We're on the sixth floor." Arizona spoke weakly, Callie just nodding as she gripped the phone in her hand. Arizona felt her legs going weak and numb, her hands holding her head. She felt like her brain was spinning out of control, her whole body flinching at the sound of the kids laughing behind when the nurse read from the book. She turned back round to Callie when she spoke again, her voice laced in audible shake that made Arizona's throat tighten.

"They called the person an active shooter and asked me if we had any casualties that needed to be reported. I told them all of the kids were stable and then they asked me whether any staff were injured. Do you think-"

"Stop talking, please. I don't- just stop," Arizona whispered, hearing Callie's voice fade. Arizona stared at the floor, swallowing away the fear that was spreading through her like wildfire. She looked over her shoulder to the kids, her eyes catching the group of parents that were staring at her intently, a weak smile being flashed at them before she turned back to Callie. "They don't find out about this, okay? If any nurses of doctors ask what's going on you can tell them, but don't offer this up if they don't ask. We definitely don't need this spreading."

"Okay."

"We just need to wait this out. We're on the sixth floor, we're high up. The SWAT team will get here, clear the area and then we'll be evacuated. We should probably get prepared for that. Find as many wheelchairs as we can, get fluids and blankets."

"Okay," Callie whispered, Arizona shaking her arms at her side to stop the tingling and trembling she could feel in her fingers. She turned to step away and flashed one last glance at Callie, stopping when she saw her glazed over eyes were shinning back at her. She looked down to her hand, the phone constantly moving with a shake. She was scared. Arizona felt her chest ache as she looked at her. She wanted to hug her. To pull her into her body and just hold her for a moment. She wanted to be held for a moment. She knew if she could just hold Callie for one more, the unsettling fear that was curdling again the confusion in her stomach, creating a dark swirl, wouldn't feel as bad. Everything would just stop for a minute and Arizona would be able to think. But she couldn't. So instead she stretched her arm and wrapped her hand around Callie's shaking one, holding it firmly.

"Hey, we're okay. We're going to be fine. Don't worry, okay? We're going to be _okay_." Arizona spoke softly, her lips curling into a smile as she watched Callie nod for a moment. Arizona just stood and waited, watching Callie until she finally smiled back. Even with everything going on, even with the fear coursing through both of their bodies, Arizona felt like it was just her and Callie in the room whenever they smiled at each other. She held Callie's gaze for one last moment before giving her hand one last squeeze.

"Okay."

/

Arizona set perched on a chair, bouncing her knee and jiggling the small four year old that was sat on it. She could hear the little boy laughing, his small giggles a welcome respite from the worry that was cemented deep in Arizona's frowns. Every time she heard a noise she would swing her head. Every time the kids laughed in chorus she had to fight the urge to tell them to be quiet, wanting to be able to hear everything that was going on around her. She had spent ten minutes pep talking Guzman into getting up off the floor when she curled into a ball and started to cry after finding out the reason for the lockdown. Arizona jiggled the boy up and down, hearing his chuckles getting louder as she looked around the room. It was quieter now, the low chatter of kids more manageable and the parents finally disbanding their army and returning to the kids rather than glaring at Arizona.

"Guzman, where's Dr Torres?" Arizona asked, looking down at Guzman who was sat on the floor amongst the kids and letting them doodle on her like she was piece of paper with all different coloured pens. Arizona watched as Guzman looked around the room just like she had, the blonde fighting her urge to shout at the other woman due to the bouncing child on her knee.

"I don't know. She went to get some more blankets for the kids, they said they were cold. I'm guessing she's still doing that. Do you want me to go and get her?"

"No, I'll go. Can you take Patrick here for me while I go and find her?" Arizona asked as she stood up, scooping the young boy with her and struggling to pass him over into Guzman's arms due to the kids that were scattered around her feet. Arizona ignored Guzman's query of whether everything was okay, instead skipping her way through the kids with a cheery smile on her face and pretending she didn't hear two of the parents call her name as she exited the play room.

Arizona hated how eerily quiet the hallways felt. The usual loud, cheery and non-stop Peds floor felt ear-piercing quiet the further away from the buzzing play room Arizona walked. She looked in every empty room down the hallway as she walked, her footsteps echoing. Arizona picked up her pace as she reached the supplies room at the end of the corridor, peeking in and moving to walk on before she spotted the stack of blankets that sat haphazardly on the floor, a fallen pile. She frowned weakly at them before stepping into the room, walking towards the blankets and feeling the blood rush from her body at the sound of a whimper coming in through the door that led out onto another hallway. Arizona felt scared to raise her eyes and look through the window, but she did.

Callie's dark hair was what she saw first. Then she saw him. _A man_. A man that Arizona didn't recognise and wasn't supposed to be here. He was stood facing Callie, a wide space in between them. Arizona shuffled her feet closer to the door, feeling her heart seep from her body when her eyes moved down the man's body to the gun that hung limply in his hand. Arizona had seen a gun before. She grew up in an army family, she had lived in army bases. But still, she never got used to the sight of it. She never wrapped her head around the fact they looked so much bigger in real life than they did on tacky tv shows that she watched late at night. Arizona's eyes darted between the gun and Callie's back when she heard another small sob come from her.

"Please. You don't need to go this. Just, put the gun down and leave. Just leave." Callie pleaded, her voice filled with tears as a small hiccup of tears followed it. Arizona wanted to burn the sight from her eyes, the fear in her body moving through her blood and spreading through every inch of her.

"I asked you a question. Are you a surgeon?" The man asked once more, his voice lifeless and dull as he spoke. Arizona could see Callie's hands shaking at her sides, her fingers curling in as she squeezed them into a fist before levelling them back out. The shake was gone. She heard her grunt to clear her throat. When she spoke she sounded more confident than Arizona expected or thought possible, admiration travelling through her body for the woman in front of her. Callie was what brave looked like.

"Yes, I'm a surgeon."

Arizona was moving before she could even think. Her legs were kicking into gear and forcing her out of the door before she even had a moment to consider what she was doing. Because the gun that had been hanging by the man's side was now being raised and was pointing at Callie. _Her_ Callie. It was aimed right her, the man staring with a dull intent in his eye. Arizona had moved without thinking because she didn't need to. She didn't need to waste the time debating in her mind whether she needed to do something, because she would have come to the same conclusion that her body came to for her. Of course she needed to move. Of course she needed to do something. She shot out into the same hallway as Callie, her hands raised as the gun that was pointed at Callie faltered, lowering slightly and moving more towards her. Callie was stumbling to the side as she swung to see what had changed, her eyes widening as she looked at Arizona.

"Wait, no. Shoot me. Don't shoot her. Shoot me-" Arizona pleaded, Callie swinging her head between Arizona and the man, her mouth hanging low and her eyes filled with tears.

"Arizona-" she breathed, Arizona just ignoring her as she took a few more small steps until she was stood in the same place Callie had been, just next to the brunette.

"Shoot me. I'm a surgeon. I'm the Head of Paediatric surgery. Shoot me. Not her. You can't shoot her. There's kids here who are sick, really sick, and she's the only one who knows how to help them. You shoot her and children die as well. No one else knows how to help them."

Arizona lied, stepping once more until she was in front of Callie. She could hear the woman behind her whimpering her name, pleading with her, but Arizona was blocking her out. She wasn't here right now. Callie was not in the same place as a man with a gun. Arizona fumbled her hand back behind her, feeling it press into Callie's. Callie gripped at it for a moment, the tightest Arizona had ever felt, before the blonde started to push against it. She was pushing as hard as she could against Callie. Arizona swallowed the thickness in her throat, staring the man in the eye and trying to search for any change.

"Please, _shoot me_. Not her. Let her go." Arizona pleaded once more into the silence, watching as the man just stared at them. Arizona felt like they stood there for hours waiting to see or feel what was going to happen, but in reality it was a second. The silence was broken by the sound of running footsteps, the sound of Guzman shouting as she ran into the supplies room Arizona had just come from.

"Oh thank God, Dr Torres. You need to come, Jack Simms is seizing, he just started and- oh my God." Guzman cried when she appeared at the door. Arizona peered over her shoulder, watching as Guzman's legs immediately began stumbling backwards into the room. Arizona clenched her jaw before turning back to the man, pushing against Callie once more.

"Callie, go."

"What? Arizona, _no_. I'm not going anywhere. Please, don't-"

"Dr Torres, go, now. You are the only other attending on this floor, you're needed. I'm telling you to go." Arizona snapped, her voice letting her down when the shake was clearly heard. She ignored the way Callie whispered her name. She could feel her pushing against her hand trying to get closer, Arizona not having the strength in her hands to stop her.

"Arizona, please don't do this. Please, don't make me go. _Please_." She whispered in the blonde's ear as she pressed up behind her. Arizona felt a shiver run down her spine when Callie's breath brushed her ear. But she shrugged her away, clenching her jaw to stop the floor of tears that were threatening to explode at any moment. She closed her eyes for a moment, not even caring that there was a man in front of her with a gun aimed at her chest. She stood for a second and relished in the feeling of having Callie closer to her. She breathed in her perfume, silencing everything out for a second. Her hand gripping into hers. She squeezed Callie's hand on last time before wriggling her fingers out.

"Callie, please. Please go. Just do this for me, please. You can't- I _can't_ have you here."

Arizona pleaded weakly, the tears she had been holding back pooling in her eyes and streaming down her face quickly. It felt like decades that she stood there holding her breath, praying for Callie to just walk away. To just go. Arizona finally felt like she could breathe when she heard footsteps moving behind her, sobs getting quieter and the footsteps finally leaving. Leaving her with just a man. And a gun. And a whole lot of fear in the pit of her stomach.

/

Arizona stood and stared at the man. She took in the sight of his blue shirt that was spotted with blood, her stomach churning as she wondered whose it was. Did she know them? Was that someone else she loved? She needed to push the thought of Teddy's blood being on this shirt from her mind because she couldn't breathe with the thought in her head. She moved her eyes to his brown jacket and noticed a large amount of blood that was stained down it, running her eyes up to find the source. He was shot, in his left shoulder. Arizona watched as the man followed her eyes line, looking down to his own shoulder before looking back up to her. The gun in his hand was lowered now, pointing more towards her legs rather than her chest.

"They shot me." He spoke a moment later, Arizona flinching at the sound of his voice in the piercingly empty hallway. She just nodded slowly, her eyes looking to the gun once more when he moved it and hung it back at his side. Arizona glanced to the shelves beside her, licking her lips but struggling with how dry her mouth felt.

"Sir I can-"

"Clark. My name is Gary Clark."

"Okay. Mr Clark, I'm just moving to get you some bandages. That's all. I'm just getting you some bandages."

Arizona spoke weakly, her voice shaking so much she could barely sound words out. She blinked at him as he nodded, tears rolling down her cheeks as she forced her legs to move. Her body was no longer moving. The adrenaline that had been powered by the fear of Callie being hurt was gone and now her body wasn't working. She almost stumbled her way to the shelves, frantically searching through boxes until she pulled out a handful of bandages. She turned back around to him, noticing he was looking at his shoulder and watched as blood came out of the wound. Arizona blinked slowly when she realised she was going to have to walk towards him. She was going to need to move closer. She moved her heavy legs again, her feet tripping over each other and making him look back up. He looked startled at first and Arizona slowed, eyeing him before taking a few final steps. He stretched is hand out to her, the gun covering the space of his palm before being blocked out when Arizona set the bandages down on it. She moved back almost immediately, forcing the space between them again.

"If you, uhm, press them to the wound it'll stop the bleeding. Just take them. Please just take them and go. There are only children here. This is a Peds floor, it's only _children_ here."

"Thank you." He croaked out, looking at the bandages in his hands before shoving them into his pocket. One fell and dropped onto the floor, Arizona flinching at the sound. She stood and waited for him to leave. She waited for the moment she could breathe again. For the moment her legs would give way and she could just fall to the floor and breathe. But he wasn't moving. _There are only children here_. He was just stood there, staring at the floor between them both.

"Please, there are only children here. That's all. They're _just_ children." Arizona pleaded once more, watching as he looked up and met her eye. Arizona felt a chill run through her whole body.

"My wife died here, in this hospital. She died right in this building because of the doctors that work here. The doctors that _you_ work with every day. She died because of _them_. And now I don't know how to stop everything from being so loud and spinning so much. Everything is just too loud without her. She turned the volume down on life and made it better, made it easier to get through. And now she's gone. She _died_ here."

"I'm so sorry for you loss." Arizona breathed, swallowing slowly and almost choking on how dry her throat was. She shivered when she heard a laugh leave him. At first it was low and soft, a chuckle almost, but after a second it turned louder and more worrying. Arizona clenched her whole body, trying to fight off the tremble that wanted to shudder through it.

"Are you? Are you truly sorry? Because that's what the lawyers said, and what the doctors said. The ones who killed my wide. But I don't think any of them were actually truly sorry. They were just saying it. So are you?"

"I recently lost someone as well. My father died here less than two months ago. I know how you feel, My Clark, I understand the loud and spinning feeling. I'm going through it myself. But what you're doing now isn't going to help that. There are only children here- children who don't understand what you're feeling. So please, _leave_. Just go."

"I just want to be with my wife again, that's all I want. But I'm scared that when I'm with her again she's going to think I didn't get justice for her. Those doctors, they deserve to feel what she felt. They deserve to know loss as well," He spoke, looking at Arizona and turning slightly to the side as he took a few steps backwards. Arizona let out a small breath as she watched him go, the space in between them widening. She watched as he looked at the gun in his hand before turning back to her, "I really am sorry about all of this. All of this fuss and mess I've caused. I didn't mean for a lot of this to happen. I wish I could have done this easier. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me."

Arizona didn't even have time to blink, to register the thought and think about moving, before she watched him raise the gun and point it straight at her. Her mouth dropped open at the same as the shot echoed around the hallway, Arizona dropping like a dead weight. She felt it smash into her, like a bulldozer and knock her down. She felt her back collide with the floor, her head bang it against and her shoulder blades crack off it. She got what she wanted, she was in a pile on the floor. But she couldn't breathe. She couldn't hear anything but blood pumping past her ears. She could feeling a burning soaring through her body and all she wanted to do was breathe, but she couldn't. She couldn't get a single drop of air into her. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing was coming up her throat. She stared at the ceiling as she felt the pain soar through her whole body, her hand clutching as her stomach and feeling it rise and fall in rapid pace as she gasped for air. Everything was going black, her vision fading from the outside of her eyes and moving inwards. She felt like she was falling as everything went black.

/

She remembered the way the door had slammed off the wall before springing back into place, her legs rushing and her body only just making it through the space before she would have collided with it. Her feet were moving quicker than she could keep up with, stumbling and tripping over each other before she felt Tim's arm link through hers, a small nervous smile on his face as he dragged her to keep up with his pace. Arizona didn't really understand what was going on. She didn't know why they had stayed at school so late, she didn't know why they were walking so fast and she didn't know why her dad was so angry. All she knew was that when he was this angry, she didn't speak. Nothing good would come of her speaking. So she just walked, flinching at every slammed door as they walked through the school. She followed until they reached the car, her dad stopping to pull the keys from his pocket.

 _Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get in trouble, I thought I was doing the right thing. They were pushing her around._ Tim spoke in a timid voice, his eyes staring up at his dad as he unravelled his arm from his sister. Arizona wanted to tell him that speaking to her dad when he was this angry was a bad idea, but she was too scared, so instead she toddled over to the car and struggled to open the heavy door. Tim moved and opened it for her, Arizona ready to jump into the car and stopping when her dad told her to wait.

 _I'm proud of you, Tim. We protect the things we love, and you protected your sister. I'm not angry with you, I'm angry at the school for not doing anything._

Arizona had just stood and watched as her dad pulled her brother in for a hug. She played with pleats in her skirt, swaying them about. For some reason she didn't want to watch the way her dad has pulled her brother in and was tussling his hair about. It made her want to be angry with Tim, but she knew better than to be angry at someone who didn't deserve it. So instead she stood and swayed her skirt, thinking about his words. _We protect the things we love._ She was in second grade, seven years old. She was barely strong enough to open the car door, her short legs hadn't grown long enough yet for her to keep up with people walking and she was in a bad mood because she had struggled with adding some numbers in her math class. She was a little kid. But she knew things, even then. She knew that her dad respected her brother for pushing away kids when they picking on her. And she learnt that day to protect the things she loved. She burnt it into her brain, a philosophy she would follow throughout life. She learnt to do the same as Tim, and maybe then she would get a hug. Maybe one day her father would tickle her hair and tell her was proud of her. She had looked back up to her dad when they finished hugging, staring at him and promising herself that one day she would make him proud. _She would protect the things she loves and make him proud._

Arizona's eyes shot open, stunned at the brightness as she stared around. They were blurred for a moment as she swung her head about and tried to work out where she was. What was she looking at? She wanted to move, but something was stopping her. She couldn't feel anything but pain. Arizona struggled her hands for a moment, hearing a faint hum of something. She felt like she was under water, hearing a blurred noise but not able to decipher what it was. She couldn't move her hands, something was stopping them. She stared up, squinting to work out where she was before her vision was filled with the sight of Callie. Peering down at her. Tears were streaming down the brunette's face but she didn't seem to notice they were there, her mouth moving. _She's speaking to you. Listen_. Arizona closed her eyes again for a moment, squeezing them and gulping for a breath, opening them and finally feeling the fuzziness in her head disappear.

"Arizona, can you hear me? Look at me. Arizona? _Look. At. Me_." Callie snapped, tugging the gloves off her hands and throwing them to the side. Arizona tried to turn her head to see where the gloves landed because she could have sworn they were almost entirely red. Covered in blood. _Covered in her blood_. Arizona's mind was flooded with the image of Gary Clark stood in front of her and pulling the trigger _. Please, forgive me._ Callie grabbed her face, a hand on either side, and held it still. Arizona tried to shake her hands off but Callie was stronger. She was always stronger. As she stared into Callie's eyes she felt her own focusing more. They focused on the bright light on the ceiling for a moment before moving to Callie's dark brown eyes, reading the words on Callie's lips. _Arizona, stop. Stop fighting me. Just breathe for me._

"He shot me." Arizona mumbled weakly, glancing when she saw movement on her other side. Guzman was standing up to grab things from the shelves, Arizona now able to move her hands that had been clamped in an embrace earlier. She ran them over her stomach, flinching in pain, before holding them up. Her eyes took in the sight of the red blood that dripped down her fingers.

"You're going to be fine, okay? _We are going to be fine._ You said it. You said we're going to be fine and we are. Speak to me, Arizona. Talk to me, okay? I _need_ you to stay awake for me. Don't close your eyes again."

"He shot me. He really shot me," Arizona mumbled, struggling to breathe when Callie pressed down on her stomach and pain shot through her, a loud groan coming from her lips. She could hear Callie apologising over and over, "I didn't see that one coming. Did you? Did you see that coming? I mean, when someone points a gun at you, you should probably expect to be shot, but I didn't see it coming. I thought I handled it well."

"Really, you thought you handled that well? When you're better I'm going to kick your tiny blonde ass for doing this." Callie snapped, Arizona feeling a small laugh ripple through her and regretting it instantly when pain soared with it, Callie pressing her hand onto the blonde's shoulder to push her back down when she curled in pain, "Guzman, I need more pads, she's bleeding straight through them. We need to get her oxygen. And we need to get her to an OR."

"There isn't an OR to get her to. We're on lockdown. There's a _shooter_ walking the hallways."

"I'm aware of that Guzman, but she needs and OR, right now. So we're getting her to an OR, okay?"

"How?" Guzman asked, Arizona's eyes looking at the tears that were falling down the intern's cheeks, her lips blubbering like a small child. Arizona was almost certain the woman was going to puke or pass out from how pale she was. Arizona just watched her for a moment until she yelped in pain, Callie moving her body onto her side. Arizona cried out, _loud_. She tried to fight it, clenching her jaw, but the scream broke though when the pain felt like torture.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Callie mumbled over and over, Arizona crying out once more when Callie carried on whatever she was going, "Mostow, go and find someone. Try and get an attending. Anyone who can help."

"You want me to go? Out there? You want _me_ to go out _there_ and find someone who can help when there is man with a gun _shooting_ people- randomly shooting people in this hospital?"

"He isn't coming back, so yes. Go now." Callie barked at him, Arizona whimpering quietly and trying to swallow her pain, feeling it building in her chest. Arizona clenched her eyes closed. She needed to focus.

"The hospital has been evacuated. Who do you think I'm going to find?"

"Exactly, the hospital has been evacuated. Every single doctor is stood just outside right now, so go. Why are you still stood here? The packing isn't holding and if she doesn't get to an OR soon she's going to bleed out. I am your attending and I am telling you to go and find someone right now. Or I swear to God, Mostow, I will butcher you alive with my own hands and you will never marry that fiancé of yours."

"You're yelling again." Arizona mumbled as she opened her eyes, her voice sounding quiet but enough for Callie to look away from Mostow and down to Arizona on the floor. Callie looked up for a moment when Mostow muttered a small _fuck it I can do this_ before turning to leave.

"Sorry, I guess it's a bad habit of mine." Callie laughed, tears dripping from her chin. Arizona wanted to raise her arm and wipe the tears, even trying to, but she couldn't lift her hand. It felt too heavy.

"At least it's not in Spanish." Arizona laughed, regretting it when it caused a wave of coughs to erupt through her body. Callie held her shoulders down as she coughed, Arizona feeling like someone was hacking at her body with a chainsaw until she finally managed to catch her breath once more. She dragged her hand up her body, wiping it over mouth when she felt something warm on her face. When she pulled her hand away from her face and saw blood that came from her mouth she couldn't help the cry that left her mouth.

"Hey, Arizona, keep talking to me, okay? I need you to stay awake so keep talking to me. Tell me something I don't know."

"Did you know I got a cat?" Arizona mumbled a moment later, Callie leaning over and looking down at her as she prodded something into Arizona's arm that stung.

"Yeah, I heard something about that."

"Yeah, his name is Chewie. I adopted him. He's nice, I think you would like him. I think he would like you too. You can meet him one day, he paces when he's angry, a bit like you," Arizona coughed and spluttered again, Callie wiping her ungloved wrist at Arizona's lips, "I thought that maybe if I could look after a cat, I could look after a kid, you know? I thought… I don't know, I just thought that it would show me I could keep something alive. And Chewie is still alive, slightly fat, but alive. And I think he loves me, which means I must be doing something right. But I don't know how reliable a cat is compared to a child, they're so independent."

"Teddy says that he's evil." Callie laughed as she peered down at Arizona, stretching over her body to grab something. Despite the bullet that had ripped through skin and organs, exiting her on the other side, Arizona felt as content as she could be in that moment. The pain was beginning the simmer down.

"I think she's just jealous because he sits in the same spot as her on my couch. They fight over it." Arizona mumbled sleepily, hearing Callie hum out a laugh.

She looked up and could see Callie's lips moving but couldn't hear what was coming from them, her eyes feeling heavy once more. She blinked slowly, relishing in the feeling of having her eyes closed. At the same time it terrified her. Arizona knew what all of this meant. She knew was she was feeling. She tried to put everything in a clear hart in her head. She was shot in her abdomen, somewhere on the left side. She rallied her clouded brain to give her the information of what could be effected. Her kidney, bladder, pancreas, uterus, major abdominal blood vessels. Her perforated stomach meant her chance of infection was incredibly high. Arizona was losing feeling in her body, the pain now gone and numbness setting in. She was struggling to keep her eyes open. She knew she was going to go soon, she couldn't keep them open much longer. Arizona choked on air when thought about it. What if she didn't wake up? What if this was the last time she ever opened her eyes? What if she bled on the floor right where she was?

"No, Arizona, keep your eyes open. Stay with me," Callie snapped, Arizona opened her eyes and swallowing slowly, tasting blood everywhere, "I'm going to get some nurses to come and help lift you. We'll get you on a bed and then get you to the OR, everything will be okay. We'll sort this whole thing out."

"I need you do some things for me," Arizona whispered, her voice barely there as she swallowed down blood, "I need you to tell Teddy that I know Henry is important, and that she loves him, but she's more important. She comes first and she shouldn't rush things just for him. She's important too and if she rushes everything for him, she'll just resent him. So, watch out for her, okay? Make sure she thinks things through, she has a habit of just jumping onto things and seeing where they go. And I need you to tell Mark that he's an idiot if he doesn't sort things out with Lexie, and that I sort of love him-"

"Arizona, stop it."

"I want you take Chewie, don't let Teddy have him. He'll spend his whole life hating me if he gets stuck with her. And tell Nick that even though I lost a brother I still always had one. And tell my mom that I'm sorry and I love her."

"Arizona, _stop_ talking right now. Do not make me yell at you right now." Callie snapped as Arizona felt a cold rush run through her body, feeling it vibrate with a shiver. She licked weakly at her lips, swallowing slowly.

"Callie…" Arizona whispered, trying to get her to look down. Callie was just focusing on what she was doing, sniffling away the tears that were falling and refusing to look. Her eyes were going everywhere, down the hallway, at the bleeding, or at Guzman. But she refused to look at Arizona. Arizona pleaded her name once more, Callie visibly clenching her jaw before looking back down at the blonde. Her eyes were bloodshot red, tears falling from them silently.

"Please stop, you're going to be okay. _You're going to be fine_. You're going to be perfectly fine, okay? Listen to me, you _are_ going to be okay."

"Callie, please," Arizona pleaded, forcing her hand to move and running her fingers over until she felt Callie's hand, wrapping them around it and making Callie look down at her again, "I just want you to know that… I love you, more than anything. More than I'll ever love anything else. I've been so scared to just say it, but I do. _I love you_. And no matter what side of the country I'm on, I'll always love you. Even if I'm not with you, I'll love you. Nothing is going to change that. I just- I want you to be happy, more than anything I just want you to be _happy_. I'm in love with you and I just want you to be happy, Calliope."

"Stop it. Stop speaking like that. I said you're going to be okay. You really love me? Great, tell me again tomorrow. Tell everyone all of this tomorrow."

Arizona laughed softly, a cough taking over her laugh and shaking her body for a moment before she managed to squash it into a hum. Arizona could barely keep her eyes open, her body feeling so cold that she was sure someone had surrounded her with ice. She wondered whether her father felt like this, whether he thought this clear. She could hear Callie crying softly over her, Arizona still holding her hand and using all of her strength to squeeze it. Callie stared down at their hands for a moment before looking to Arizona. She gave the sweetest, saddest and most beautiful smile that Arizona had ever seen.

"I love you too. So please stay with me. _Please_ stay awake. Please, do this for me," Callie cried, her hand cupping Arizona's cheek as she dropped her forehead down onto the blonde's. Arizona felt a lazy smile tug at her lips, Callie's hand warm on her cheek as she shivered at the sound of Callie's voice in her ear, "I love you. I love you. I love you."

Arizona didn't know whether she was dying. She didn't know whether she would wake up again. Maybe she was never going to open her eyes again and see or talk to anyone again. But right now she was okay with that, because she couldn't think of a better way for it to end. She couldn't think of anything better than hearing Callie's voice in her head. Hearing her repeat the three most important words in world over and over. _I love you_. It was all she could hear. And when everything went black it was all she could see.

And she was okay with that.


	9. Breaking Of Bones

Arizona's body alerted awake at the familiar sound of the door being slid open a few feet in front of her, but the overwhelming tiredness that seeped through her body stopped her from opening her eyes or making a single effort to appear awake. The noise of Bailey snatching a pair of gloves from the box that sat on the end of her bed, a noise that she had been woken by far too often in the past two days, rippled through the room. Arizona let out a small breath of air, turning her head to the side and letting it fall gently against the uncomfortable, thin pillows that were stacked behind her head. She felt uncomfortable _everywhere_. Every time she breathed a searing pain would soar through her stomach, beginning in the pit of her stomach and building throughout her body until she felt like it was clawing its way up her throat, all of her organs coming along with it and forcing her body to turns itself inside out. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. Every time she blinked she wondered whether the small movement in itself would be enough to send her over her pain threshold, something she was becoming more and more aware of as the days went by in the hospital bed.

Arizona braced herself, forcing a long breath of air in and clenching her muscle, when Bailey lifted the bottom of her hospital gown and pulled it up to reveal the white dressing that covered the healing wound underneath it. Arizona hadn't look at it yet. It had been two days since she woke up from surgery, a fact everyone else celebrated with happy tears but she regretted due to the onslaught of pain since, and she still hadn't look. Minutes went by, wasted, on her looking down at her gown and telling herself to just look underneath. _Look at it. You're a doctor, you know what it's going to look like_. She read her own chart, now fully aware of everything that had happened to her. The blanks in her mind filled it with medical jargon that she understood but was suddenly scared of. _Major haemorrhage. Hematoma_. At first the filled gaps were a relief, but now two days on from waking she wished she didn't know what had happened to her. She wished she wasn't aware of the fact she had to be resuscitated in surgery, her body lay lifeless for seven whole minutes on an OR table with Webber and Bailey frantically trying to start her heart once more. But she did know, and now it kept her painfully awake, possibly more painful than the bullet hole inside her.

Arizona clenched and breathed her way through Bailey changing her dressing. The other woman aware that she was awake, but also aware that Arizona's eyes were closed for a reason and wisely choosing not to make conversation. She moved with pace and precision, stepping away from the bed and wrapping up the used dressing to dispose of it. The sound of the bin being closed made Arizona open her eyes, her sight being filled by Bailey dropping her gloves into the bin after it and walking out of the room. Arizona glanced down to see her gown partially showing part of her hip bone, her fingers pulling it down and covering the revealed skin. She lay and stared at the ceiling for a while, counting the tiles for the fourth time in two days, before looking out of the sliding door that Bailey had left open. The sound of the ICU was floating into her room now. The conversation of passing nurses, the beeping of machines other that her own, the pacing steps of passing interns. She watched for a moment until Teddy stepped into vision, moving behind the nurse's desk and flopping down onto one of the chairs.

She looked tired, even more so than how she had looked when Arizona had first woken. She had remained by her side for two whole days, urging the blonde to open her eyes or just say something, tears falling down her face when the blonde finally squeezed her hand back. Arizona now took in the sight of Teddy. Her eyes were dark with purple circles clouding them, a pale sheen of exhaustion over her skin and messy hair tucked up into an even messier bun. Arizona watched as Teddy stared at the computer in front of her, mindlessly laughing at a nurse's joke that was clear she hadn't listened to. It all appeared natural until the smile dropped from Teddy's face, Arizona turning her eyes to look at the same place as her friend.

"You're here."

Arizona watched as Callie sheepishly stepped into view, her eyes briefly looking into the room but not long enough to even register that Arizona was awake and looking back at them. The blonde felt like someone had set her on fire again, except this time it was a burning sensation that made her want to get up and move, pain be damned. She couldn't stop the smile that played on her lips as she took in the sight of Callie, moving to lean against the desk as Teddy turned in her chair. She didn't know it was possible to miss someone so much when unconscious.

"How is she? I heard that her lung collapsed the other day." Callie asked weakly, her voice only filtering into Arizona's room from how quiet the ICU was in that moment. The shyness of Callie's voice, something that confused the blonde, was stomped on by the snort that Teddy let out, pushing herself to stand up.

"Really? Now you want to know how she is? _Now_ you come and visit after days of nothing?"

"Teddy…" Callie spoke weakly, Arizona's entire face scrunching up in confusion. She tried to push herself up in the bed, her mind telling her that she needed to pay more attention to the conversation in front of her, but her body refusing this when it crippled in pain at the movement.

"No, Callie. I've been ringing you, paging you, looking for you everywhere. And now you want to just waltz in here after days of nothing and ask about things that you should have been here for."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just needed some time and I didn't-"

"You needed time? Did you ever stop for a moment and think about what Arizona has needed? Did you consider that maybe when she woke up she might want to see you, and what the hell I was supposed to say when she asks where you are?"

Arizona closed her eyes as soon as she saw Callie turn her head towards her direction, her instinct working before her brain even registered the movement. She squeezed her eye tight for a moment to try and control her swarming thoughts, confusion mixing through them like a lethal cocktail and leaving her landing on assumptions that she didn't understand.

"Did she ask for me?"

She felt the air in her throat choke for a moment as her eyes remained closed. It had been four whole days. Four whole days since she had last seen Callie, heard her voice or smelt her shampoo. Her mind was littered with fragments of conversation as she lay bleeding out on the floor, small snippets coming back to her with each hour that passed. She wanted to stop whatever conversation she was hearing and call the brunette into her room, but the words that were being spoken were stopping her.

"Of course she fucking asked for you," Teddy barked as she grabbed at charts on the table and viciously stacked them, "I told her that you were busy with surgeries which had been rescheduled from the day of the shooting."

"Oh. Right. Thank you."

And just like that, the confusion that had been muddling her thought cleared like a haze over water. Her mind flickered to her waking two days ago. All she had wanted to do was see faces, every single person's face she knew. Teddy shuffled them in and out of her room like someone working the lines at Disney, barking for them to leave when they outstayed their welcome. Yet one face never appeared, a fact Arizona had been incredibly aware but hadn't fully understood until now. _She's been really busy with surgeries, but she knows you're awake and said she'll be here as soon as she can, until then I guess you'll just have to put up with me._ So Arizona had lay and waited, the thumping nervousness in her chest that had been there on the first hour fading with each passing one, Callie never appearing. She didn't understand. Why hadn't she been here? Arizona felt like her body was heating up, her eyes opening to see the two women too engrossed in the growing argument that they weren't even looking at her.

"No, do not thank me for lying to her. I didn't lie for you, okay? I lied because I was sat next to my best friend, a woman who loves you and stood in front of a gunman for you, and I realised that I didn't know how I was supposed to tell her that the woman she is so stupidly in love with is actually a pretty shit person. Because you are, Callie, you're a shitty person. Jesus, you couldn't pull your head out of your ass for one minute to come and see her. You couldn't get over the fact that she bruised your ego by not telling about you Hopkins for one little minute."

"I'm here now, aren't I?" Callie pressed weakly, her fingers running along the surface of the desk and her eyes watching them. She looked too ashamed to look up, and the longer Arizona watched her the more she felt like the gunshot wound that was in her stomach was really in her heart. A deep hole penetrating through the whole thing, a clear path.

"Now isn't good enough," Teddy muttered, turning as though she was going to walk away but her anger and words pulling her back immediately, "Callie, where the hell have you been hiding for the past four days? I don't care what's going on between you and Arizona relationship-wise, all I care about is her and right now you're not helping with anything, nor do you seem to care. What the hell is going on with you?"

"You don't know everything that goes on between me and Arizona." Callie barked defensively, anger appearing on her face but washing away within a split second. Arizona licked at her dry lips. Her brain was running circled trying to remember the last thing that happened before everything went black. Had she said something? What did she say that made Callie avoid her? But in spite of all that, she couldn't ignore the thought that if it had been the other way round, nothing would have stopped Arizona being next to Callie when she woke up.

"You're right, I don't know everything. All I know is what I see, and all I ever see is Arizona trying over and over."

"Teddy, come on. I know I should have been here, I know that and I wish I was, okay? And I'm sorry that I wasn't here before, or when she woke up, but I just- I freaked out and I can explain that to her once she's woken up, but for now I just want to be here with her, can I do that?"

"No." Arizona felt her whole body clench as she watched Teddy turn and walk around the desk, her eyes burning into Callie's falling face.

"Teddy-"

"No. You're not her family, you're not her girlfriend anymore, and you sure as hell haven't been her friend. Where were you when she needed you? Nowhere to be seen. You bounce back every now and then, occasionally offering you shoulder for her to cry on when she needs it, only for you to pull it away when it suits you. This has all been on your terms, Callie, everything between you two has always been on your terms and you don't ever see that- you refuse to ever see that," Teddy sighed as she ran her hand through her hair, "Jesus, she's so insanely in love with you that she stepped in front of a bullet to save you and you couldn't even come and hold her hand? You don't deserve her. You don't deserve her as a friend and you sure as shit don't deserve her as anything more than that. So no, you can't sit here and hold her hand now and act like you give a shit."

"I do love-"

"Don't you dare try and tell me that you love her. Is that what you've been doing for four days- actually, for all these months, you've been loving her? Because the way I see it is, Arizona has been killing herself, punishing herself over and over for not wanting what you wanted. She's made herself feel like she's some freak, incapable of being a normal person and wanting what everyone else thinks she should want. Why couldn't you just love her for the way she is? You're the one who made her feel like that. We both hated her father for making her feel like she was less than what she really is, but isn't that what you did? You made her feel like she was a disappointment once more."

"Wow. How long have you been holding onto that one?" Callie snorted, taking a step back from Teddy and holding her hands up in disbelief, "I didn't do that, okay? I didn't do what her father did. I didn't-"

"She's been trying, Callie, she's doing everything to make you happy and-"

"Jesus, Teddy, will you let me finish a God damn sentence?"

"Why? What could you have to say that's going to make me understand you any better, that's going to make everything so fucking clear as to why you've been MIA when you should have been here holding her hand? You don't love her, you-"

"Stop saying I don't love her!" Callie snapped, her voice loud enough for nurses to look up and Teddy to peer around, shock written on her face, "I love her, okay? I love her so much that sometimes I hate her. I sit and think about her sometimes and I'm filled with this uncontrollable anger because of how much I love her, because of how much control she has over me. I hate her for kissing me in the toilets at Joe's. I hate her for making me think of her every time I eat pizza, or for making me lonely when I try and dance alone because I got so used to dancing with her and for making me find her perkiness and her stupid butterfly scrub caps sexy."

"Callie…" Teddy breathed weakly, her voice much more tender now. The haze of anger she had been floating in had faded, her face softer to match her words.

"And I hate her for not wanting children, for walking out of my apartment and my life because of that. I hate her for standing in front of a man with a gun and bleeding out, for not staying awake when I told her to. But more than all of that, I hate her for making me love her so much that I hate her. I love her so much that it hurts to be with her and to be without her. I hate that I stood in an OR this morning and thought about her instead of the patient on the table in front of me. I hate her for making me worry about her all of the time, for making me so scared all of the time. I'm terrified. So don't you dare say I don't love her, Teddy. Don't you dare stand here and say that I don't care about her, because you don't get to do that. You don't get to just…"

Arizona clenched her jaw hard, hard enough for it to crack, when she heard Callie's voice fade to tears. Someone was stealing her lungs from her body as she lay there, a painful heaviness in her whole body as someone shoved their hands into her, snatched her lungs in a tight grasp, and ripped them away from her. That's how she felt. She felt like she wanted to ignore all the pain, pretend she didn't have stitches holding her together and ripped tissues from a bullet inside her, and run away. Ignore all the pain, run from the pain, and get away. Arizona closed her eyes and pressed her head into the pillow, willing herself to fall asleep. _She hates me._

"Did you ever think that maybe you should be telling Arizona all of this and not me? Stop hiding from her and just go and speak to her."

"Want to know what the last proper conversation we had was, before everything happened?" Arizona heard Callie ask, a tearful snort following it, "I told her to leave, something I never thought I would say. She asked me whether I wanted her to leave and before I could think the words were coming from my mouth. I never thought I would want her to leave me. I can't even imagine life without her being in it every day, but I opened my mouth and just said it. And now with everything that's happened, I can't remember whether I meant them or not. So I'm terrified for her to open her eyes and look at me, because she'll know that answer just from one look. Arizona knows me better than I know myself and with one look she'll know the answer, and I can't look at her until I've worked it out myself."

"Maybe the reason you're so scared of Arizona knowing the true answer, is because you already know it yourself," Teddy sighed, a sad shrug of her shoulders following, "I'll let her know that you tried to stop by but got caught with another surgery when she wakes up."

Teddy spoke over the sound of a pager beeping, a frustrated groan coming from Callie. Arizona listened the shuffling of feet, the sniffle of tears before opening her eyes to see Teddy sighing as she looked down the hallway after Callie. Tears were burning the back of Arizona's eyes and she knew she needed to close them quickly before they pooled. _She hates me_. She watched as Teddy turned, looking as though she was heading back around the desk but stopped all of her movement when her eyes fell upon Arizona. An awake Arizona. Teddy tried to control her face, but Arizona could see it all. The shock in her eyes. The apology that washed over, before being replaced by the pure and simple empathy. It made Arizona want to be sick, Callie's words echoing in an unwanted loop in her head, so she pushed it into the pillow and closed her eyes. _She hates me_.

/

Arizona lazily watched the old black and white movie that was showing on the tv, pulling her eyes away when she heard a small knock on the door. Her eyes fell on Teddy who was leaning against the frame a soft smile on her face as she looked to see what Arizona was watching before pushing off the frame and walking into the room. Arizona's eyes followed Teddy as she flopped down on the end of the bed, sitting on her foot for a moment and squashing it before she tugged it out from underneath her.

"So I spoke to Bailey and she said a few more days and you can go home. You can sit on your couch with Chewie, whom by the way is loving his vacation with his aunt Teddy, and watch horrible tv for a couple of weeks until you're back on your feet. You'll be back before you know it. And just think about all of the crap the kids on Peds will have made for you by the time you're back. You'll have terrible art work made out of snot and drool coming out of your ears."

"I'm going, Teddy." Arizona spoke softly after a moment, grabbing the remote and muting the movie in the background. Teddy's eyes flickered between the tv and Arizona for a moment, a small confused smile forming on her face that didn't fool Arizona in any way.

"Going where?" Teddy ask coyly, shuffling on the bed and looking at her shoes instead. Arizona sighed softly, nudging her foot into Teddy's ass to force her to look up.

"Hopkins. I'm going."

"Why? Because of what Callie said yesterday? I know we haven't mentioned the fact that you heard everything, but I know you did. You know we were both just tired and stressed. I know I said things I didn't mean which probably means she did too. I yelled and she yelled back, that's all."

"Even if I did believe that, I'm still going." Arizona spoke, Teddy's groan cutting through her before she could even finish. She pushed herself off the bed and paced for a moment, turning to face the blonde with her hands pressed into her hips.

"Arizona, come on. She obviously doesn't hate you, she loves you. I was wrong when I said she didn't, okay? She loves you a lot and she's just freaked out by everything that's happen and she's worried about things that she said, even though they don't matter now-"

"I can't stay here, Teddy. I said before that this is a good job opportunity for me in Baltimore and that I'd be an idiot to pass it up, that still stand, whether I was shot or not. I have nothing that's keeping me here, nothing is tying me to Seattle anymore."

"What do you mean you _can't_ stay here? Is that you _can't_ or that you don't _want_ to?"

"Honestly?" Arizona asked, Teddy nodding her head and sighing impatiently, "I don't want to be here anymore, not when I'm doing this to her. She told me she wanted me to leave before everything happened and I'm sticking by that because she may doubt now whether meant it or not, but I saw her when she said it and I saw her yesterday. She meant it then and she still means it now. When you push all of the drama aside, she doesn't want me here. I don't want her to hate me, Teddy. I _can't_ have her hating me."

"She doesn't hate you!" Teddy spoke emphatically, her pacing starting up once more as she moved around the bed and headed for the window. She stared out at the rain, turning back to Arizona after a second to calm down.

"But she will one day. If I stay here she'll learn to hate me so that everything is easier when I'm around and I can't be here to see that happen, nor let it happen."

"You can't leave, okay? You just can't. Henry came to pick me up from Seattle Pres after the shooting, after I operated on Alex. I told him I wanted a divorce, I told him I wanted to marry him properly. I think I'm engaged now which means you can't leave. You need to stick around for this because I'm going to need you by my side to pick out flowers and cakes and stupid dressed, or else I'll go insane."

"Wait a minute, a week ago you were feeling rushed into moving into a new apartment and now you're telling him that you want to get married?"

"Being in the same building as a man with gun can have that kind of effect on you, it makes you think differently about things."

"Yeah, it makes you think irrationally. This is irrational, Teddy." Arizona remarked, pushing herself up in the bed and thankful for the few more days of recovery, and the concoction of pain meds, that meant she didn't cripple in pain.

"And you leaving to the other side of the country isn't irrational thinking?" Teddy jibbed, Arizona letting out a laugh and shaking her head.

"No, actually. I had made my mind up on that long before I got shot. I appear to be the only rational one here."

"Don't you think any differently about everything between you and Callie, after everything you went through? Maybe now you two can move past everything, start again." Teddy spoke, perching on the edge of the bed again, her eyes big and pleading like a kitten. Arizona sighed and just shook her head.

"Teddy, it's not as simple as that. Yes, I took a bullet to the stomach and it hurt like hell. And yes, when I was bleeding out on the floor thinking I was going to die I wanted nothing more than to tell Callie I love her, so that's what I did. But I'm not dying now, I'm alive. I'm alive and I can't live my life like someone is pointing a gun at me."

"Why not?" Teddy spoke, her voice sounding like she didn't even believe herself. Arizona cocked her head to the side, hoping her face would answer for her but Teddy was refusing to accept it.

"Callie and I aren't you and Henry, we're all different people. What we went through made both of us think differently about things, which is why I know I can't keep doing what Callie and I have been doing. We can't just keep thinking of each other as an option any more. We've never truly broken up, all of these months since we've broken up have just been filled with us going back and forth, playing some sort of game. I'm tired of it, I don't want to play it anymore and clearly Callie doesn't want to either. I know what I need to do when it comes to her now, but are you sure about you and Henry?"

"I love him, I know that I want him to be in my life," Teddy spoke softly, a smile pulling the corner of her mouth up as she fiddle with the scratchy blanket over Arizona's legs.

"The way that you know you want Henry is the way I now I need to leave. I'll be back to help pick flowers and cakes and stupid dressed, okay? I promise. All you need to do is ring me and I'll be on the first plane. But I'm leaving, Teddy. As soon as I can, once everything is sorted, I'm going to leave."

"Are you really sure about this?" Teddy huffed as she picked at the material, her lower lip hanging out like a small child as she looked over to Arizona with pleading eyes. Arizona just played with the remote in her hands for a second before nodding.

"I ran Hopkins and accepted their offer an hour ago."

/

Arizona pulled her scrub shirt up over her head, dropping it down onto the table next to her and looking in the mirror in front. Her eye were immediately drawn to the large, purple scar that ran down her abdomen. It looked darker than usual, her memory now filled with regular images of it, due to the way her scrub top had spent the entire morning rubbing and scratching against it. She had spent an entire conversation with a set of parents focused more on the burning itch on her stomach rather than what they had been saying, her answer being brief and unhelpful before she could bolt to the nearest examine room to apply a dressing.

She peeled the white packing open in front of her, freezing for a moment when she heard a quick two knocks on the door before it opened almost straight away, Webber stepping in and stalling when he took in the sight of the blonde, topless and applying a dressing to her incision.

"Robbins, I'm sorry, I didn't know- I can wait, or come back, if you want?"

Arizona shook her head and gestured for him to walk in, hearing his clear his throat as he stepped in and closed the door behind him. She pressed the dressing down onto her skin, snatching her shirt up from the table next to her and tugging it onto her body. She practically sobbed with pleasure when the shirt breezed over the area it had been irritating, her hands scooping up the discarded packaging as she turned to Webber who was patiently waiting.

"Sorry, it's just been itching all morning."

"Are you sure you're feeling ready to be back? I don't want you to feel like you're being rushed in any way. You've only been gone for two weeks, I would personally like to see you resting for at least another week and I know Bailey would want another two."

"I'm fine, it was just being irritated by my scrubs. I'm ready to be back," Arizona spoke as she opened the bin and dropped the packaging in her hands into it, "I just wanted to speak to you quickly about this therapist guy that I'm meant to go and see. Chief, with all due respect, I really don't think that it's necessary or needed."

"Robbins, Andrew Perkins is the best at what he does. He's a trauma counsellor, everyone here has been through a trauma and everyone here is speaking to him, including you."

"Chief, I really don't need to." Arizona spoke, hearing the whine in her voice and knew she had an embarrassing pleading look on her face when Webber just fired her a judgemental arch of his eyebrow.

"Even if I did believe that, which I really don't, it doesn't matter. You can't be cleared for surgery until you meet with him and he signs you off."

"Can't you just clear me for surgery?"

"Robbins, if you say you're so fine then go and speak to him for five minutes and I'm sure he'll clear you. Besides, until you've spoken and been cleared by him I can't release you from your contract and Hopkins can't take you. Am I right in thinking you're still leaving for Hopkins?"

"Yeah," Arizona nodded her head weakly, a small smile on her face, "I'm going as soon as I have everything in order here. It should be by the end of the week, unless that's too soon for you?"

"No, that's fine with me. Stark is lined up to take over as Head as soon as you're gone."

"Stark? As in Robert Stark?" Arizona spoke quickly, her eyebrow firing up and her head arching forward as she listened to Webber just sigh, a smirk on his face as he turned and opened the door.

"Not everyone is you, Robbins. He's a good surgeon and is perfectly adequate when it comes to his job despite his reputation."

"I just think-"

"Robbins, don't you need to go and get yourself cleared for surgery? Otherwise I won't be needing Stark because you won't be going anywhere?"

"Ugh, fine." Arizona huffed, a smile playing on her face as she walked past Webber who held the door open for her, turning when he spoke her name.

"Robbins, congratulations on Hopkins. Really, we're all sad to see you leave and this hospital will be worse for it, but you deserve this after everything. You should be proud of yourself."

"Thank you, Chief."

/

"Are you sure he definitely cleared you?"

Arizona rolled her eyes as she continued to read from the research article in her hands, glancing up to the screen in the corner of the gallery for a second before looking back down. She could hear Teddy slurping as she sucked the straw hard to drain the remaining drops of her juice from the carton. Arizona eyed her for a moment, Teddy arching an inquisitive eyebrow and making Arizona roll her eyes and drop the article down into her lap.

"Yes, Teddy, I'm cleared. Why is so hard for you to understand that I got cleared? You've asked three times now."

"I just didn't think he would do it so quick, that's all. It's just he's putting Grey and Yang around the ringer and I thought maybe he would do that with you as well."

"Well, he didn't." Arizona mumbled before lifting the article and continuing to read as she watched Teddy from the corner of eye pull an apple from her pocket, shine it on her thigh before biting a chunk from it. She chewed in silence for a moment before speaking with a cheek full of apple, Arizona groaning.

"And he didn't ask you anything?"

"He asked me whether I was sleeping, whether I was eating, whether I was having any other symptoms of PTSD. I said I was fine and that I just wanted to be cleared so I could finish up here and get everything in order for Stark to ruin it once I leave."

"So that's all you've got left to do, some surgeries and you're done?" Teddy asked as she took another bite from the apple, Arizona just nodding her head as she moved the page she was reading to the back of the pile and started on the next.

"Yeah, pretty much. Everything is packed at home, I've got a job and an apartment waiting for me in Baltimore. I'm subletting my apartment and the new people move in next Thursday."

"Wow, you organised this all very quick. Have you spoken to Callie?"

"Spoken to her about what?" Arizona mumbled, trying not to flinch at the mention of the name. The bubbling in her stomach was something she couldn't quite describe, a mixture of anger, sadness, disappointment and longing that she had never felt when it came to Callie.

"About anything, Arizona. Have you spoken to her at all since the shooting?"

Arizona looked over the top of paper and through the window down into the OR. Her eyes fell on Callie, sat on a chair and working on the hand of the patient whilst Bailey and Kepner operated on the abdomen. She sucked her bottom lip and ran her tongue along it moisten it as she stared at the woman, trying to ignore the painful ache in her chest. Arizona clenched her jaw as she watched her work for a moment before looking back to the article in her hand.

"No." She muttered.

"Arizona, come on, you two just need to-"

"She doesn't want to speak to me, okay? I called her once when I was home but she didn't answer and she never called me back. I get it, she doesn't want to talk, and why would she? We're done. We're finished. I'm leaving and there's nothing to talk about."

"How about you talk about what she said that day in the ICU, when we both thought you were sleeping?" Teddy asked, her eyes burning into the side of Arizona's skull. The blonde just concentrated on the page, but she wasn't reading. All she could think about was that conversation, the words playing in her mind like someone was playing a recorded tape. For days after it had made her cry whenever she thought about them, but now it made her angry.

"How's the wedding planning coming along?" Arizona spoke, her eyes moving to Teddy's and pleading with her. She wanted her to drop it, to once just let things be. Just let them go the way they were going and not sit and question it over and over. Teddy opened and closed her mouth, clenching her jaw for a moment before looking back down to the OR. She took a bite from her apple and chewed it.

"Henry has a secret passion for it, he's in his element. I think he could make a career out of it. Every single day he is badgering me about the divorce so he can propose and then officially call me his fiancé."

"So you're really getting married to your husband." Arizona laughed, Teddy laughing along softly as well for a moment as both of them sat and watched the surgery, Arizona looking at the tv screen and Teddy looking through the window.

"Yep, it's really happening." Teddy sighed softly, Arizona bumping her shoulder against her and making a wide grin and blush set over her cheeks. Arizona just laughed at her, looking down to her hip when her pager beeped. She sighed and grabbed the stack of papers from the seat next to her, "I read on the board early that you're operating with Lexie Grey."

"Yeah, I am."

"You know she was in psych last week, right? Mark had to get involved and help her." Teddy spoke cautiously, Arizona holding all the papers in her hand against her chest. She could see Teddy's concerned eyes, just shrugging her shoulders as she stood up.

"Yeah, I know."

"Arizona, are you sure that she's-"

"Teddy, she's been cleared for surgery, just like me. What's the point in us being cleared if people are still going to think we're not up for the job? She's got the piece of paper that says she can be in the OR, so she's going to be in my OR. She's going to operate on an appendix like she should have three weeks ago."

/

Arizona focused on her hands rather than the fatigue that was settling in through her muscles. She had only been stood for half an hour, but after a long day of walking around the hospital and a bullet to the stomach three weeks ago, she was tired. She could feel her legs aching and weakness pulling her shoulders down. She sighed softly as she continued with removing the appendix in front of her, her eyes flickering up to Lexie when she spoke.

"I just want to say thank you for letting me scrub in, Dr Robbins. Everyone has been looking at me like I'm crazy ever since… well, you know. So thank you, for not thinking I'm crazy."

"Someone once told me that some bones break differently to others. We all handle that day in different ways, how you choose to handle it definitely does not make you crazy, Grey." Arizona spoke as she glanced up to the gallery to see Bailey entering, stood at the edge with her arms crossed and a disapproving look on her face. Arizona just looked at her for a moment, a smile forming on her lips under her mask, before she watched Bailey grin and shake her head as she moved to take a seat.

"It's just, people are staring at me all the time. And then it doesn't help that Mark never takes his eyes off me, he's constantly watching me. Like he's waiting for me to break down again at any second. And when people see him looking they think there's something wrong and that means they can look as well."

"You know, on my first day as an intern we had this big introductory talk in an auditorium by the Chief at Hopkins. I was just out of med school and all I wanted to do was scrub in on some cool surgery so I barely listened for the whole hour, but I do remember one thing he said. At the time of my internship, doctors had the highest suicide rating out of every profession in America. I don't know whether it's the same now, but at the time I was 1.87 times more likely to kill myself than the average American."

"I'm not suicidal, Dr Robbins, I swear. I know I lost it for a bit and I know that everyone now thinks I'm crazy, but I'm not." Lexie pleaded, her eyes flickering between Arizona and the retractor in her hand. Arizona just hummed and nodded as she swapped utensils in her hand.

"We have to deal with a lot of when it comes to this job. People's lives are literally in our hands. The pressure- it's what drives us, but it can also be what breaks us. We have to deal with a lot without having guns pointed at us. But we made it through that. We're still here, stood at this table, doing what we're doing. Remember that, okay?"

"Okay." Lexie repeated weakly a moment later, Arizona nodding her head as she set the scalpel down in her hand and stepped back from the table slightly, Lexie looking up concerned.

"Now I want you to swap places with me and remove this appendix."

"Seriously?" Lexie's voice burst through the OR, Arizona laughing and looking up to the gallery where she noticed a small flock of Lexie's peers all sat with their mouths open. She could see the squint in Bailey's eyes but chose to ignore it as she turned back to Lexie.

"Seriously." She spoke as she stepped back from the table once more and began to walk around, standing next to Lexie for a brief moment before the other woman found her legs and pranced around to the other side of the table.

"And Lexie? Mark stares at you because he is in love with you, not because he thinks you're crazy. He's most likely going to continue staring at you, so you have three options. You either get used to it, you tell him to stop, or you tell him that you're in love with him too. Now pick up the scalpel and I'll talk you through this."

/

Arizona pulled her scrub cap from her head as she walked up the desk, leaning against it and reeling off the name of the patient as she watched a nurse go to retrieve the chart. She could see Lexie bouncing next to her, a wide spread grin present on her face for the last half hour and most likely going to remain there for much longer. Arizona just smirked at her as she took the chart from the nurse, flipping it open and pulling a pen from her pocket.

"Do you want me to go and speak to the family?" Lexie asked as she pulled her white coat on, untucking her hair from it and beaming a smile. Arizona felt exhausted as she leant against the desk, her incision scar that was healing feeling slightly tender. She looked to Lexie with a laugh and just shook her head.

"No it's okay, I'll do it. You go and celebrate, Grey." Lexie just nodded and let her smile grow even wider, Arizona laughing once more before her head turned to the conference room across the lobby when an opening door allowed the screaming that had been contained inside it to float out. Arizona watched as Karev walked out with a sheepish look on his face, the door left open behind him. Arizona's eyes turned to Lexie when she heard Mark's voice booming from inside the room.

"You cleared Lexie grey for surgery? I had to check her into psych last week, I had to commit her against her will. And you just clear her for surgery, what the hell kind of doctor are you?"

Arizona watched Lexie, just like everyone else in the lobby now was. Everyone's eyes were turning to her. Arizona watched as she shrunk into herself, the beaming smile dropping from her face as her eyes looked over to the conference room. Arizona stepped forward, her hand gently pressing on Lexie's arm in a comforting way before it froze. Because the next shout to float out into the lobby wasn't that of Mark, but instead Callie. Her voice harsh and sharp as she shouted, filled with anger. She was pissed. Arizona's hand dropped and her head shot to the room.

"You cleared Arizona as well. She only came back to work yesterday, you sat and spoke to her for less than five minutes this morning and that's it. What could you have possibly learnt from her in five minutes that gave you enough to clear her for surgery?"

"Both of you, please calm down." Andrew spoke as he emerged in the door way, a large pile of folders stacked in his arms as he walked and sighed weakly. Arizona could feel eyes burning into her now, people still shuffling through the lobby but slowing to watch the car crash entertainment that was coming out of the room.

"No, I don't want to calm down so don't tell me to. I want to know what the hell you were thinking, we both want to know." Callie snapped as she appeared through the door behind Andrew, Mark following shortly after. Andrew sighed as he turned around, looking around the lobby at the waiting area near the stairs and up to the walkway above them. Arizona could feel herself shrinking just like Lexie had, her feet wanting to move but her body not listening.

"I'm not supposed to speak about patients-"

"Do we look like we care right now?" Mark and Callie both yelled at the same time. Every time they shouted the lobby would quiet down to a silence, a small hush of voice starting up again after a second. Arizona could see Lexie staring at the conversation, her mouth hanging low. Arizona didn't want to look, so instead she stared at the chart in front of her. She re-read the same word over and over, trying to ignore the three people who were in the corner of her eye. She felt her stomach clench when she heard Andrew speak.

"Fine. Lexie got snowed. Psych put her on heavy doses of antipsychotics and benzos and she slept for almost fifty hours straight. When she woke up she was no longer a risk to herself or others. I mean, she has PTSD. Most of you do, including Arizona. But for her it caused severe sleep deprivation and led to a breakdown. All she needed was sleep. Protocol says she goes back to work, just like with Arizona. They were both ready to return to work."

"She said shoot me. Do you not understand that?" Arizona couldn't fight it when her head looked back over. Mark had now backed down slightly but Callie was still furious, her hand swinging about everywhere in anger and Andrew just staring at her with a straight face, "Arizona stood in front of a man with a gun and said shoot me. And you've just cleared her for surgery like that never happened. _Shoot. Me._ How can you not understand that?"

Arizona flipped the chart closed and stretched over the desk, feeling her stomach tug, before dropping the chart down. She couldn't be here for this, she didn't want to be here. She chucked her pen back into her pocket and turned to leave the other way, stopping when she felt Lexie grabbing her arm and speaking her name softly. Her eyes looked worried, concerned, and also shocked. Arizona wondered how many people knew about what happened before she was shot, whether anyone knew. Well, they did now. Callie was screaming it around the lobby like there was no one there, either oblivious to the staring eyes or just not caring. She was making her sound like she was crazy. Like she shouldn't have just been in the OR. She wasn't crazy for doing what she did. She clenched her jaw for a moment and looked back over to where Mark was stretching his arm and touching Callie's back, murmuring for her to just let it go. _Let it go, Callie_. Callie shrugged him off and just stood and stared at Andrew who sighed and reshuffled the folders in his arms.

"She didn't just stand in front of a man with a gun, Callie. She stood in front of you. She stood in between you and a man with a gun. If she had stepped in front of him on her accord with no one around and asked him to shoot her, then yes, I would be much more concerned. But she didn't. She stood in front of you, not the man with the gun. There's a big difference."

"Callie, come on. People are looking." Mark spoke as he scanned his eyes over the people who were stood up on the walkway, a grimace on his face. It only deepened when he looked over his shoulder and his eyes fell upon both Arizona and Lexie stood there. Arizona watched as Callie turned away from Andrew, a deep frown on her face and her mouth now set in a small sad turn downwards. She stared at the floor for a second before looking up, following Mark's eyes. Arizona felt her eyes connect with Callie's for a brief second, able to see the guilt wash through them even from where she was stood. She had made her out to be crazy. She had publicly humiliated, and for what? To make herself feel better? Arizona felt furry bubbling in her like lava. Callie had been nowhere for weeks. She had been a ghost in Arizona's life, hiding behind the pretence of surgery and too scared to face her. Arizona just stood and looked at Callie, both of them ignoring the way Lexie had stomped across the lobby as though she was going to hit Mark, only to pull him down for a kiss. Arizona glanced at the kiss for a brief moment before forcing her legs to walk, moving towards Callie.

"Arizona…" She whispered weakly as Arizona walked by her, heading for the elevators. She stopped for a moment and sighed, opening her mouth to say something. But she didn't know what to say, it was all just questions. Do you think I'm crazy? Where have you been? Do you hate me?

"Callie, I'm fine, really. You don't need to worry about me."

/

Arizona grabbed a stack of books from the shelf in front of her, chucking them into the cardboard box that sat on the couch. She glanced around her office, taking in the bare walls that were no longer littered with artwork made by kids, or covered in photos of successful patients. She had removed the coloured monsters and fairies, taking down the paper-made animals and boxed up the photos that were scattered amongst them all. It looked bigger now as she glanced at the empty desk that wasn't covered in layers of paper like it usually was, Arizona having not seen the surface of the wooden desk since the second day she moved into the office. It felt like it was only yesterday that she had walked through the door, Arizona swallowing slowly before turning back to the bookcase and grabbing another armful of books. She turned with the books in her arms, freezing when she noticed Callie stood at the door. The brunette offered a shy smile before knocking playfully on the door.

"Arizona," Callie spoke nervously as she walked into the office and stood next to the blonde who was dropping another stack of books into the box with a thud, "I just- I wanted to come and apologise for earlier. I was worried about how fast he cleared you, and Mark was worried about Lexie, so we got carried away and thought we would-"

"Its fine, Callie. It doesn't matter."

"Oh right, thanks, I guess. So we're okay them, you're not angry at me or anything?"

Arizona stopped her movement, her hands gripping the books in her hands but her body moving to face the brunette next to her who was now perched on the edge of her desk. The caution and shyness that she had entered the office with had faded somewhat, her arms still crossed warily over her chest but a more confident smile on her face. Arizona felt a puff of air leave her mouth as she shook her head, a laugh of disbelief from the blonde washing the smile from Callie's face.

"We're not okay. We haven't been okay for a long time, but now? Now I don't think there is even a ' _we'_ for us to talk about."

"What?" Callie asked, her voice higher than usual and an uncomfortable smile playing on her face, tugging awkwardly against the frown that was fighting in the other direction. Arizona turned her back to her, dropping the books into the box and lifting it from the couch, setting it down on the floor next to the other boxes before straightening back up to see the smile gone from Callie's lips. The frown had fully overcome her face, leaving Arizona shrugging her shoulders weakly.

"Where have you been, Callie?"

"I know I didn't come and see you when you were in the hospital, or when you were home, but I've been really with-"

"Surgery. Yeah, I know." Arizona mumbled, running her hand through her hair before lifting another box and continuing with what she had been doing. Seconds of silence passed them in the office, Arizona feeling a tightness in her chest that was uncomfortable. The weeks of silence between the two of them had led to the air feeling heavier than it ever had before, Arizona almost flinching when she heard Callie's voice.

"Arizona, I'm sorry-"

"I needed you, Callie," Arizona blurted out before she could stop herself, sucking her lip in for a moment and chewing on it, "I needed you to forget about everything, forget about _surgery_ , and just be there. I needed you and you weren't there."

"I didn't know that," Callie mumbled weakly, her arms uncrossing and her hands falling limp at her sides, "I didn't know whether you would want to see me after how we ended things. Everything was so confusing, I didn't know whether you would remember everything you had said after you had been shot and I didn't want to come on the assumption that you did, because I know people say things when they think they're going to die and I just-"

"I told you that I loved you. I didn't say it because I thought I was dying or because you were the one who was saving me, I just wanted to say it. It's belittling for you to think I said it for those reasons."

"Do you not see how belittling all of this is for me?" Callie spoke, her voice coming out with a small laugh of disbelief as she pushed up from the desk to stand, Arizona snatching the tape and beginning on the boxes on the floor, "It took you being shot for you to finally tell me that you love me. You didn't mean it, Arizona. We see it with patients all the time, people say things when they're in situations like that. If you had meant it you wouldn't be deciding to leave and you would have said it long before. And how dare you say I haven't been there for you. Who held your hand through everything that happened with your dad? I did. I was still there for you, after all that time, and now you're choosing to just leave-"

"Choosing to leave? Jesus, I have no choice in this, Callie!" Arizona shouted, pushing up so she was stood straight and able to see the shock washing over Callie's face as her voice echoed in the small, empty room, "I told you that I love you, but I also told you that I want you to be happy. That's why I'm going to Hopkins. Not seeing your toothbrush next to mind in the morning or sleeping alone was hard after we broke up, but the hardest thing to come out of it is that I don't make you happy anymore. I always made you happy, I always made you smile and laugh and if something was wrong I made it better, not worse. Well, now I'm what's wrong. I'm the thing that is making you sad, so I'm making it better. Going to the other side of the country isn't a decision or a choice, it's my only option right now."

"So you're going because of me?" Callie asked, her voice sounding tiny in the room. Arizona had to clench her jaw and pretend she did hear the way Callie's voice had shook and cracked, tears being heard bubbling under the words. She took a small, shallow breath and perched on the edge of the couch, staring down at her nails for a moment as she swallowed away as many of the tears, which had already climbed her throat and pooled her eyes, as she could. She looked back up after a moment, Callie's sad, heartbroken face making her whole body hurt.

"At first, yeah, I was going because of you. But now? I'm going for me. You said you didn't know where we were going, Cal. I said we could keep going and see what happens and you said you didn't know where we were going. I've tried everything I can think of since we broke up to make things easier but I've constantly felt like you haven't. You were the one who said you didn't know where we were going, and I agreed with you, so why are we constantly coming back to each other when we no there's no future? You are a very big part of my reason for leaving, but the bigger part of it is me. I've been so focused on fixing us, focused on you, that I was seeing things clearly. And it took me waking up in a hospital bed with Teddy by my side and you nowhere to be seen for my vision to clear. Because if it was the other around, if it had been you that had been shot and was waking up in a hospital bed, nothing would have kept me from holding you hand. No surgery would have been worth that. You're right, you were there for me when everything happened with my dad and you were amazing, but I needed you again. I just… I need to make myself happy as well now. We bot deserve to be happy and whether we like it or not, we don't make each other happy anymore."

"Wow," Callie breathed, tears falling from her eyes and down her cheeks, Callie appearing to oblivious to them as she just nodded her head, "I guess good luck with everything in Baltimore, then. Congratulations on the job."

Callie turned and headed for the door quickly, Arizona's eyes closing for a brief moment. She breathed Callie's name, wanting it to come out louder than it did, but her body knowing better and not allowing it. They were done. Arizona felt a sudden sensation of finality, something that hit her so hard she felt herself dropping down onto the couch as though she was out of breath after a long run, her whole body shaking like a leaf in autumn winds.

All of the months they had spent throwing looks. Throwing smiles. All of the time they spend grazing each other's hands, briefly bumping into each other queues. All of the hours spent in ORs, their conversation changing over the months from uncomfortable silence to friendly jokes and occasionally flirty remarks. Everything was now done. Arizona was leaving. Her entire life in Seattle was packed into boxed, taped up and closed off. Everything she had worked for, created and loved was in boxed. She had wanted closure from Callie. She had wanted to stop the game they had been playing, the back and forth tiptoeing around each other and the constant spin of the wheel. But she had stopped for a moment to actually consider what it would feel like when it happened, and now she was feeling it.

She sat and stared at the spot Callie had just been stood in, and before she could stop it tears were pouring down her cheeks like raindrops on a car window. A never ending stream of pain coming down her face as she dropped it into her hands in attempt to quieten the sobs that racked through her chest and clawed at her throat. It hurt. More than she expected and more than she was ever, and ever could be, prepared for. But then again, she knew she would never be able to prepare for not having Callie in her life. The past weeks of not having her had felt like some strange waiting game, Arizona just waiting for time to tick by until she would pop and appear again. But now it wasn't a game, or at least it wasn't one that ended the way she thought it would. It was happening. She was leaving and everything was changing.

…..

 _Hey! So, I know I disappeared for a while but I've had a busy few months with a lot going on. I actually had this chapter written the whole time but didn't upload it because I haven't been happy with it. I've re-written it over and over but now I'm calling it a day and just uploading. I'm not completely happy with the way it's turned out but oh well. So, sorry about the delay, the spelling and grammar errors I'm pretty sure will be throughout this, and for the chapter itself. For those of you who are wondering when the hell I'm just going to get them back together, have a little bit more patience, it's very soon I promise. Thank you for all of those who read and comment, you're stars!_


	10. Coming Home

Arizona stared at the ceiling absentmindedly, pulling her eyes away from the bright lights and ignoring the blotches of colour that stained her sight as she looked around the room. She pushed herself up so she was sitting on the OR table, pulling her legs underneath her and crossing them. She glanced up to the empty gallery that was darkened out, unfilled seats looking back at her. A vacant OR always created a strange sensation in the pit of Arizona's stomach. She was so used to seeing it full of people; nurses, residents, anaesthesiologists. She was so used to the bustling sound of people moving to prepare everything, the low murmur of nurses organising things and the pattering of feet. An empty OR was silent. Immensely and perfectly silent, the sound of her breathing being the only things that filled Arizona's ear. She ran her fingers back and forth over the leather table beneath her, pressing down into it with her knuckles. She wondered how many lives had been saved in the place she was sitting, and then her mind pondered the thought of how many had been lost. The idea sat in her head for a while, long enough for her to be startled when the OR doors opened from the scrub room and Teddy appeared.

"Why are you sat in empty and dark OR? Is this last minute nerves about leaving? Because I am _more_ than happy to ring Hopkins and tell them to shove their offer up their ass because you think this Peds department shits all over theirs."

Arizona looked over to Teddy's quizzical face, smirking at her. She watched as Teddy sighed, looking around the empty room as she walked towards the table. She stopped in front of Arizona, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrow sticking up in a questioning arch. Arizona just chewed on her lip, playing with her fingers, before watching Teddy hop up onto the table next to the blonde and dangle her legs off the edge. They sat in the silence for a moment, Teddy pressing her fingers into the leather just like Arizona had been doing earlier and watching as the surface remoulded to the shape.

"I was just having a quick minute, that's all." Arizona spoke after a moment when Teddy bumped their shoulders, the other woman letting out a snort as she peered up at the bright lights that shone down onto the bed, spraying them in a beam of light that made the rest of the room appear darker.

"A quick minute with the operating room? Do you want me to leave you two alone so you can have some privacy?" Teddy teased, Arizona rolling her eyes as she shuffled her legs out from underneath her and pulled her knees up against her chest. She leant her chin down on them for a minute, staring at the perfectly organised compartments and drawers in front of her. Everything had a place, everything had a home. Arizona could feel Teddy's eyes burning into her patiently, the blonde letting out a weak sigh.

"A lot has happened in this OR. My first ever surgery was in here. It was a liver transplant on a six year old, just two days after I got here," Arizona spoke softly, raising her chin off her knees and watching as Teddy just smiled softly at her, "I didn't even know my way around the hospital and when I walked into the OR everything was different from what I was used to. But I focused myself and I saved the patient. Some of my biggest successes have been in this room. It was my favourite OR for a long time, it felt like home, I loved operating in here. But then at some point some of biggest failures ended up being in here as well. The first patient I lost after I joined here was in this OR, I operated on Wallace in here, Alex as well. You operated on my dad in here. Did you know this is the OR where I was operated on? After I was shot I was cut open right here, I haemorrhaged right where we're sat. _A lot_ has happened to me in the room. This was my favourite OR, every time I walked in I was reminded of everything good that I've done, every kid that is alive and kicking a ball around their garden right now because of me. But now I don't get that feeling when I walk in here. I'm just reminded of everything that I've lost in this room."

"Arizona, come on. You're an amazing surgeon, any patient that was lost in this room wasn't because of you. You know that." Teddy spoke softly, bumping her shoulder into the blonde's one more. Arizona offered a small smile whilst her fingers tickled over her scar down her stomach, feeling it clench with small bursts of pain that had been irritating her all morning.

"I'm still responsible. At the end of the day it's my name that is written on all of the records when people look back. I just- I guess I wish that I was leaving this OR with it still feeling like home, instead of the way it feels now, that's all."

"If it's not your home anymore, where is?" Teddy asked quietly, their voices seeming big in the empty room. Arizona let out a big sigh, feeling her lungs expanding and deflating in her chest.

"I don't know. I guess it's Baltimore, now."

"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that. Let me know when you start believing it." Teddy laughed, throwing Arizona a look before staring back down at her swinging legs. Arizona licked her lips as she cocked her head to the side.

"Teddy, come on…"

"I know, I get it now, okay? You're leaving and I'm pissed about that, probably will be for a good few months, but I get it. So pull your depressing ass off that table so you can come and have one last drink with me before your flight."

Arizona watched as Teddy hopped off the table, strolling towards the door. Arizona took one last look around. She looked to the gallery that she had spent so many hours learning in, so many minutes spent watching other surgeons. Marvelling in their skill and success. Honing her own techniques. She had made her friends in that gallery, small talk thrown about as they watched someone's body being cut open. Anyone else who wasn't a surgeon would think they're crazy, weird almost. Sitting and having conversation, making jokes, talking about feeble things such as who is dating whom and who cheated on whom whilst someone was being cut into. But that's what they did. She sighed softly before hopping off the table, walking over to the door where Teddy was stood, taking one last look before she followed after her.

/

Arizona flicked her way through her phone as she trudged along behind Teddy, searching to check the time of her flight. It wasn't until later that night, leaving her enough time to finish up with everything here, at home, and then head to the airport. She had a strange swirling in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about the airport. She wanted to call it excitement, even nerves, but for some reason it kept coming up as fear. She could tell that every time Teddy looked at her she was seeing it all over her face, her friend thankfully choosing not to comment on it.

"Dr Robbins, I need you to sign this for me- oh, is the party now?"

"Party? What party?" Arizona asked quickly as she took the chart from Guzman, signing at the bottom without looking at where she was signing, her eyes burning in Teddy who was groaning loudly beside her, "Teddy, what party?"

"Seriously, Guzman? I search this _entire_ hospital for an hour looking for her, manage to drag her _all_ the way up here, and you ruin the stupid surprise the minute before everyone is about to shout _surprise_."

"I'm sorry, I thought-"

"Go away, right now. You're uninvited." Teddy snapped, flicking her hand at Guzman and glaring at her as she sheepishly took the chart from Arizona and skirted away down the hall. Arizona took a slow steady breath and plastered a smile onto her lips, glancing at the door to the attending's lounge apprehensively, before looking to Teddy.

"Teddy, you shouldn't have."

"I know but-"

"No, really, you _shouldn't_ have." Arizona spoke through a clenched and forced laugh, her whole body slumping at the thought of the people behind the door waiting for her. All she wanted was to go to Joe's, to knock back a drink with Teddy, and have one last tequila shot with her. She wanted to spend her last night in Seattle at the same gin soaked bar she had spent so many previously. Teddy just laughed, as though she was reading Arizona's mind, and held her hands up defensively.

"I know, I didn't. This wasn't my idea, it was Bailey's so you need to get rid of the horrified look on your face right now and act surprised when you walk in. I tried to tell her that you hate parties, but she wouldn't listen."

Arizona forced out one last sigh, pushing all of her sulkiness with it, before opening the door and walking in. The shout of surprise shocked her, not because she didn't know it was coming, but because of how loud it was. She hadn't been expecting many to be present. She had been to these parties far too many times in the past, dragged along by someone or only showing up for the free food. She knew that the numbers present were usually low, but as she looked around the room her eyes fell on more faces that she would have anticipated. She laughed at the _Good Luck Dr Robbins_ banner that hung on the back wall, scruffy and slightly illegible painted words. Arizona shuffled into the room as people turned back to their conversation, the odd person offering their comments and hugs. When she reached Bailey at the back of the room she watched as she held her hands up to offer the room, showing how impressed she was with herself.

"Bailey, you really didn't need to do all of this. I'll be back all the time to visit and consult on patients I'm still working with. It'll feel like I've never really left."

"I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to. I called you an infant on roller skates once, you know?" Bailey spoke casually as she examined a sandwich before dropping it down onto her plate. Arizona frowned at Teddy when she cackled, looking back to Bailey and cocking her head in confusion.

"Excuse me?"

"The first case we worked on together was-"

"Jackson Prescott, I remember." Arizona smiled, watching as Bailey nodded. Arizona felt her mind flood with the memory of the case, her brain able to recall nearly every aspect of it. She hadn't been at the hospital long, barely a month or so. She had hardly made friends, hadn't explored Seattle any more than to and from her apartment, and spent every single day debating with herself whether to ring Hopkins and beg for a job or not. She recalled sitting on a bench in the rain, hating the Seattle weather back then, and ringing her friend in Baltimore to complain about Bailey. It was only after an hour pep-talk that they convinced her to stand up to Bailey, her friend's words echoing in her head as she stood in front of Bailey and told her to place Jackson Prescott on the transplant list whilst offering Norman McCale's number.

"I didn't like you. I didn't like your name, I didn't like your perkiness and I sure as hell didn't like that you told me my course of treatment was wrong. So I called you an infant on roller skates and asked for someone better."

"Thanks for letting me know, I guess." Arizona laughed, feeling somewhat uncomfortable and confused. She looked to Teddy to help, rolling her eyes as she watched Teddy pick her way through the buffet, stacking her plate high.

"What I'm trying to say is, if I had known then I know now, I would never have asked for anyone better because I would have known I was working with the best already. So, I'm sorry about that."

"Bailey, you literally saved my life. I think you repaid me enough for calling me a name years ago."

"You know," Teddy broke through, a mouthful of sandwich shoved into her cheek, "I even hate her stupid roller skates and she's my best friend. I tried to throw them in the trash once but she caught me. I spend a surprising amount of time hoping that she'll fall over one day. I'm not saying I want her to break bones or anything, I'm not a savage, I'm just hoping for a grazed knee or something."

Both Arizona and Bailey turned their bodies to look at Teddy, Arizona trying to suppress her laugh as she watched Bailey just frown in confusion. They stared for a few second, Teddy swallowing the chunk of sandwich, before Bailey refaced Arizona.

"Good luck at Hopkins, Robbins. You'll be missed here." Arizona flashed her a big smile as she watched Bailey walk away, her voice booming through the room as she scolded Yang for suturing a banana and Karev for sneaking food from the table.

"Who would have known that Bailey had such a soft spot for you? Miracles really do happen every day." Teddy laughed, Arizona shoving her and hearing a huff of air come from Teddy as she stumbled. Arizona sighed as she leant against the wall, pulling her phone from her pocket once more to check the time.

"How long is an acceptable amount of time for me to wait here before I lie that I have some packing I still need to finish?"

"I'd say you're looking at least half an hour more, possibly an hour." Teddy spoke as they walked over to the table filled with drinks. Arizona lifted a bottle of wine in front of her, groaning when she read it was non-alcoholic. She snatched up one of the plastic cups and poured a glass anyway, sipping it and grimacing as it slid down her throat.

"So I guess we're not getting that last drink."

"I have a flask filled with tequila in my bag." Teddy commented as she grabbed the bottle and poured herself a glass, lifting it to toast with the blonde. Arizona just smirked at her, Teddy's lips curling up at the side.

"I knew I kept you around for a reason."

/

Arizona stood looking down at the selection of food that was left on the savaged table in front of her. She lifted a small sandwich, eyeing it for a moment, before dropping it down onto her plate and moving along. She poked her fork against a slice of cake before choosing against it, turning to see Mark stood next to her. She tried to control the shock that was running through her body, hoping it didn't appear on her face when she smiled back at him as she leant across her to grab a plate. Arizona watched, somewhat impressed, at the speed in which he stacked his plate high with food whilst simultaneously shoving some into his open mouth.

"So, are you excited or nervous?" He asked after a moment, Arizona setting the sandwich that was in her hand down, dropping the plate onto the table and sighing as she lifted her drink.

"A little bit of both. Mainly excited." She lied, forcing the corner of her mouth to pull up into a smile. She swallowed thickly, taking a gulp of her drink when Mark's stare started to feel like an interrogation light, his head cocking to the side as though he wanted to look deeper at her.

"You really can't stay?"

"I would have thought you, of all people, would have been calling my taxi to the airport for me."

"You would have thought wrong."

"If you say so." Arizona laughed as she took a drink once more, looking back to Mark as he forked away at his cake. She could feel him looking at her every few seconds, his eyes always lifting from his plate and burning into the side of her plate. She tried to ignore it, pretend he wasn't doing it. She watched some of the nurses in the room who were laughing away or dancing, before risking a glance to Mark. Their eyes met, Arizona raising her eyebrows to ask him why he was staring.

"You know, Robbins, you've never been against me in my eyes. I know we've clashed in the past and it's always seemed like we just don't get along, but when I push all of the bullshit aside, I've always admired you. You're a great surgeon, you've been a good friend to people here, and you always treated Callie with nothing but love as far as I can see. And I admire that. Even when things have been rough between you two, even now when everything seems to finally be done, you treat her with love."

"Thank you, Mark." Arizona spoke weakly, nodding her head and looking back to her glass. The thought of Callie was an unwelcome one in that moment. She couldn't think of her. She couldn't think of anything that would relate to her and cause her mind to spiral off down a rabbit hole she knew was dangerous territory. Arizona knew that if she thought of Callie for too long she would most likely spend her entire flight either drowned in her tears, or in alcohol, and she didn't have the energy for either option.

"I guess what I'm saying is… I'll sort of miss you, Robbins." Mark laughed, pulling Arizona's eyes up from her non-alcoholic drink. Arizona flashed a non-forced, non-faked, and fully fledged smile at him, beginning to repeat the same phrase back to him but have the words knocked out of her when Mark's arms wrapped around her and pulled her forcefully against his body. She felt her drink swish up the side of the glass and spill slightly onto her fingers, a laugh coming from her mouth but being muffled but his large chest that she was pressed into. She patted him on the back in the same way she would pat a small dog's head, waiting for him to let her go and gritting her teeth when he clenched tighter, "You sure you can't stay then?"

"Yep. It's pretty much a done deal now."

"I'll look after her. I know you're about to say that she's strong and doesn't need anyone to look after her, never mind a man, but I will. She'll be okay, you know?"

"She's Calliope Torres, she'll always find a way to be okay."

Arizona felt his arms wrap impossibly tighter after she hummed the words against him. She stopped the hand that was patting on his back and instead wrapped it around him, pressing it against his warmth. She was suddenly thankful for the shelter of his arms and the pressure of his squeeze when tears pooled her eyes, praying he would force them back down into her body.

/

Arizona shut the door behind her, closing her eyes for a moment and letting out a thankful sigh when the singing and noise from inside the room was cut off. She let go of the handle and turned to see Teddy leaning against the wall of the hallway. Two plastic cups in one hand, a flask in the other, and a cheeky grin on her face. Arizona could stop the laugh that tickled up her throat, sauntering over to the other woman who pushed off the wall.

"You know, it's kind of rude to basically force someone into being your friend and then leave them to move to the other side of the country."

"Yeah, I guess it sort of is, but remember how much fun you had on ladies night?" Arizona teased, hearing Teddy snort as she handed over one of the plastic cups and began to unscrew the lid of the flask. Arizona looked around, catching the eyes of a passing doctor who worked in radiology, a frown on judgement on his face as he took into the scene.

"There is nothing quite like watching Bailey try and swing for a baseball." Teddy laughed as she flicked the lid off the flask and poured a small amount into her cup, Arizona offering hers over and watching as the tequila poured into it. It was only a small mouthful, a final shot for them to knock back.

"Promise me you'll come and visit?" Arizona asked as she watched Teddy re-screw the lid and drop the flask into her pocket. She looked back up to Arizona, her eye flickering between her sad and eyes and weak smile.

"I promise. Do you promise to come back and drink a ridiculous amount of champagne with me whilst we shop for my wedding dress?"

"I promise." Arizona declared, laughing when Teddy raised the glasses in a toast. Arizona knocked hers against the others before clenching to brace herself for the drink, knocking it back and feeling it run down her throat into her stomach. It was the first alcohol she had consumed since the shooting, the burning in her chest feeling all too familiar and making her heart beat strenuously for a moment.

"You better go or you'll miss your flight." Teddy spoke as she took the cup from Arizona's hand and slotted it into her empty one, holding them at her side. Arizona laughed and arched an eyebrow, bumping her shoulder playfully against Teddy's.

"You're pretty eager to get rid of me. If I recall correctly, you once told me that I wasn't allowed to run away to the other side of the country just because I was sad and that I should tell Hopkins to shove their job offer up their ass."

"Yeah, well… Sometimes a fresh start can be good for people. I don't want you to go, Arizona, but I kind of want you to be happy. So if that means leaving, then… Just go and be happy, okay? Go and be the happiest you can be and save all the tiny humans on the east coast."

"I'll try my best." Arizona whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke. She swallowed down the lump in her throat, ignoring the tears in the back of her eyes and she watched Teddy chew on her lip. Teddy pulled the flask back out from her pocket and shook it like a small child, a playful smile back on her face.

"One more?"

/

Arizona tugged her hair out from underneath the strap of her bag, adjusting it on her shoulder as she walked down the hallways for the last time. She could hear the rain hammering outside, struggling to contain the panic every time she walked past a window and saw the torrential downpour that clouded the surface, her brain reminding her that she needed to be on a plane in a few hours. Arizona swallowed thickly as she walked towards the lobby to hand in the chart of the last patient she had seen before she left.

She didn't know why she chose to stop, or why she chose that particularly OR, but something made her feet come to a halt and step through the doorway into an OR gallery. Her chest tightened at the sight of Callie down below, her hands collecting a drill from a nurse and holding it firmly. Arizona couldn't stop the feeling of awe that washed over her body as she stepped down into the darkened gallery. Every time she watched her work she was in complete awe of her; her strength, her overwhelming passion, her undeniable wisdom and never-ending capabilities. In the past she had realised that there were times when they were in the same room together, and Arizona would notice that she couldn't take her eyes off her, and this was another one of those times. Maybe it because this was the last time she would see her, or maybe it was just because she wanted to look at her for a few minutes.

She felt an overwhelming need to soak in every last detail of her, for the last time. She took in her scrub cap, the red swirls against the silver background. She remembered the first day she wore it, a sign of her attending position. She remembered how proud she had been when Callie has asked her to tie it for her, a wide grin covering her face as she spoke. Arizona took in the sight of her hands, moving with an artistic pace that still left her breath stuck in her throat even after years of watching her. Every little detail felt like a small dagger to her skin. It didn't particularly hurt, but she noticed the pinch none the less. Arizona wondered if she would ever come to a point in Baltimore where she didn't feel like something was missing because Callie wasn't there. She didn't know whether she wanted to come to that point or not. She wanted to knock on the window and wave, but every single thought and nerve in her body knew better. Every part of her knew better than her heart now, and something that would have led to an inner debate weeks or even months ago was now shot down before it could even begin.

She blinked one last time at her, capturing the picture and turning around to freeze at the sight of Webber sat on the back row. He was surrounded by paper work, his glasses hanging low on his nose so he could read the stack of files on his lap. Arizona considered for a moment just walking out. He appeared to be so absorbed in his paperwork that she was almost certain he didn't even know she was there, until he looked up after a minute.

"Chief, I didn't see you." She breathed, flashing an awkward smile back at him and watching as he took the glasses off his face and set them down on the files. She watched as he smirked at her, nodding his head at the window and down the Callie.

"She has such steady hands, it's pretty amazing." He spoke, his eyes looking down into the OR and watching Callie as she pressed the drill further and further into the patient's spine, as though she was building an Ikea wardrobe. Arizona struggled to swallow, her mouth feeling dry, so she poked her tongue out to wet her lips as she nodded.

"I know, she's pretty amazing." Arizona breathed once more, sucking her bottom lip and chewing on it. She could feel her teeth biting too hard on the skin, but she was nervous for some reason. She felt like she had been caught doing something, as though her watching Callie for those brief few minutes should have been a private event. And the more she thought about it, the more she realised she wished they had been. She wished those last few moment had just been Callie and her, nothing and nobody else.

"When I walked in her entire body was shaking, she was pretty much trembling, but her hands weren't. Even in that moment, her hands were perfectly still. She was terrified, but her hands were perfect," Webber spoke, a small cough clearing his throat as Arizona frowned in confusion at him, "I told her to step aside and leave the OR. She threatened to break every single bone in my body in the most painful way she knew if I made her leave. It took Bailey coming in and making one of her big long speeches for her to step aside and let us continue. But she didn't leave. She took a seat right next to your head. She held your head for the entire thing, just talking to you, as though you were awake and listening to her. I could hear her begging you when you flat lined, God, her cry was something that still gives me chills now…"

"Wait, Callie operated on me? I was told it was just you and Bailey in there the whole time." Arizona spoke quickly, turning her body away from the window to fully look at Webber. A strange tingling sensation was flowing over her skin, confusion and shock making her heart thump. She thought back to waking up in the ICU, Teddy walking into her room to see her reading her own chart and helping her with some of the gaps. _You were bleeding out. Callie got you down to the OR. Mostow found Webber in the hospital and Bailey was just outside. They operated on you._

"By the time Mostow found me and I got there she had stopped the bleeding and was beginning the repairs. Your stats were good and you were stable. She saved your life, Robbins. And you saved hers too. But now you're leaving and, in my opinion, that's going to hurt her a lot more than watching you bleed out. So, you need to make sure you're making the right decision here, because this is going to hurt her so much that she might never be able to forgive you. You won't be able to walk back into her life in a few years' time when you realise that you walked away from the love of your life. So, are you sure about this?"

"I don't…" Arizona voice faded when she heard the uncertainty so clear in her own voice, clenching her jaw for a moment, "I'm doing the right thing, Chief. I'm making her happy again."

"And yourself?" Arizona stood in silence for a moment, watching Callie. She could see her lifting her head and looking at nurse at the end of the table, a comment being made that made everyone in the OR begin laughing. Arizona turned away, her back to the window. That's how she wanted to remember her. That was the last image of Callie she wanted to have; her laughing. She looking to Webber and shrugged as she headed for the door.

"I'll get there, I guess."

/

Arizona bounced her leg up and down as she sat on the edge of the chair, watching the people passing by and praying that time would go quicker. She had an unfamiliar nausea in the pit of her stomach that was only increasing due to the way her heart was beating irregularly in her chest. She could feel it beating in an abnormal pattern, her breathing not helping. Every time she heard a voice come across the speaker she would feel herself tense, her breathing stopping until she heard the destination, and strange sensation of relief wash through her whenever it wasn't her plane. Her hands were clammy as she wiped them across her jean covered thighs, her knee bouncing up and down with every movement. This wasn't how she was supposed to be feeling. She had coached herself, trained herself, told herself it wouldn't be like this. For weeks she had imagined how she would be feeling in this moment, lay in bed at night preparing herself for this, and how she was feeling now wasn't it. She hadn't prepared for the crushing thought that was in the back of her head telling her she might never be able to get out of her chair.

She let out a deep, shaky breath before grabbing her bag up off the floor and searching through it for her phone. She shoved everything to the side, her hand wrapping around it as she pulled it out. She flicked through her contacts quickly, pressing Nick's name and holding the phone against her ear as she chewed on her nail and chanted under her breath for him to answer.

"I thought you're meant to be on a plane right now." Nick spoke into the voice, Arizona hearing the sound of fading voices followed by a door closing in the background.

"I need you to convince me to get on the plane," Arizona spoke quickly into the phone, ignoring the attention she had gained from the English family sat across from her, "I need you to tell me I'm doing the right thing and that I should just get on the plane. Tell me that, please."

"No." Nick laughed down the phone as soon as Arizona finished, his voice casual and smooth. Arizona frowned as she held the phone tighter, her bouncing leg stopping when she looked back to the English family to see both parents and the eldest son all staring at her, a mixture of concern for her and for themselves.

"What?"

"Sorry, that's a no-can-do, Phoenix. I'm not going to tell you that. I'm not going to lie to you, I'm too good a friend to do that." He laughed down the phone, Arizona leaning back in the seat and closing her eyes for moment, flinching when the overhead speaker announced a flight boarding for New York. She rubbed at her forehead with her fingers, trying to rid herself of the painful headache behind her eyes.

"If you were really such a good friend you would just tell me to get on the plane. You would tell me it's the best thing to do and that I should just get on the damn plane."

"I don't believe that and I don't think you do either, otherwise you wouldn't be ringing me and sweating in your airport seat."

"Nick…" Arizona groaned, leaning forward to rest her elbow on her knee and dropping her forehead down onto her hand. She heard Nick sigh deeply down the phone, a small hum of disagreement following after it.

"No, I am a good friend, okay? I'm a great friend. I'm such a great friend that I'm going to hit you with some home truths right now. You love her, Phoenix. Whether you want to or not, whether you think you do or, whether you care or not, you _love_ her. More than I've ever seen anyone love someone. You love her more than anything else on this entire planet. And you'll _never_ love anyone else that way again, that just doesn't happen. You don't get to have what you have now twice in one lifetime. So stop punishing yourself and making yourself believe that you're something you're not. Stop telling yourself you can't have what you want. And for God's sake, stop being so _scared_ of every little thing that is in your life."

"I'm not scared of-"

"Yes, you are. You're scared of everything and its stopping you from having what you really want. Get on the plane if you truly believe that you're not running because you're scared. Get on the plane if you truly believe this is what you want. But I can guarantee in a few months' time you'll realise that just because you don't see her every day, doesn't mean you don't still love her. Phoenix, just go and be happy. Let yourself be truly happy for once, stop giving such a shit about everything else, because it doesn't matter."

Arizona felt like her head was going to explode. Every time she thought about getting up for the plane her legs felt heavy, but every time she thought about leaving the airport and going home she felt a strong invisible barrier stopping her. She groaned into the phone, pretty certain the family were still staring at her but not caring enough to look. She breathed deeply for a moment, trying to clear her head, before hearing the voice crack through the speaker once more. She head brief words from it. _Flight. Gate now open. Baltimore_. Her stomach clenched impossibly tight. She tensed her jaw when she thought she was going to be sick, Nick's voice starting on the other end but being stopped when she cut through him.

"I have to go, Nick, they've just opened the gate for my plane to board." Arizona spoke weakly into the phone, lifting her head from her hand and letting her eyes fall on the family in front of her. She heard Nick let out a frustrated groan down the phone, sounding almost angry.

"Arizona," He snapped, his voice sounding harsh and soft all at the same time. It made Arizona flinch at hearing her name on his lips. She couldn't remember the last time she had heard him use it. Her shoulders slumped, air coming out of her in a sigh that she didn't even know she had. She opened her mouth and closed it over and over, each time changing what she was going to say. _You're right, I'm not getting on the plane. This is crazy, what am I doing here. I'm getting on the plane, this is the right thing. I'm making a good decision._ She sat for a moment and chewed on her lip, watching as people walked past her in small groups, all clearly heading for her gate. She swallowed down her thought and let out a slow sigh.

"I have to go, I'll call you when I land."

Arizona pulled the phone away from her ear as she heard Nick's voice, ending the call and dropping it into her bag. She lifted it from the floor and began to drop her book in it, collecting the things from around her. She sat in her seat for a moment, trying to get some good breaths into her so that when she stood her legs wouldn't give way. She couldn't help but watch the family in front of her. The mother flicking through a magazine with the eldest son whist the father bounced a small four year old on his knee, her giggle rippling through the area. The corner of her mouth tugged up into a small smile, Arizona watching and listening to her laugh for a moment more before pushing herself up.

She walked through the airport until she arrived at her gate, joining the queue and fishing through her bag for her boarding pass and passport. She tried to focus her mind on what she would do once she was in Baltimore. She would go to her new, empty apartment. She would maybe pop into the hospital. This was the right thing to do, she told herself over and over. She had friends in Baltimore, an apartment, a job. Maybe she would meet someone. Maybe she would find someone who was like her, who wanted the same things as her, and she would be happy. Maybe in five years' time she would look back on this moment and laugh. Everything would be so different in five years' time, she wouldn't feel like this. _This was all just temporary, it would pass_. Everything would pass.

Arizona stared at the carpet absentmindedly as she shuffled in the line, her mind wandering to her life in five years' time. She had been expecting her thought process to all link up, for her imagination to offer her a silver lining and cloud of comfort, but all it did was give her the feeling she was falling through the sky with no parachute. Every time she blinked she would see a big old house, flowers littering the garden. She could hear the giggles she would wake up to, walking down the stairs and into the kitchen to see Callie making pancakes with a small child. _Their child_. Arizona felt like someone was punching her repeatedly in the stomach as she stood there, her life being shown to her like she was watching a movie she didn't know.

"Ma'am, can I have your boarding pass please. Ma'am?"

Arizona snapped her head up to see the space that was between her and the woman in front, a confused smile on her face. Arizona glanced to the person behind, a grumble coming from them as they stepped even closer to force her forward. Arizona muttered an apology that was barely audible, stepping forward and turning back to offer a proper apology. As she turned her eyes fell on the family from earlier, walking through the airport and heading for wherever they were going. Arizona didn't know them. She didn't know who they were or where they were going, but when she looked at them she felt a sense of longing to be them. She wanted to be the mom holding hands with her son, the dad carrying the little girl on his shoulders. She wanted to have a family. She wanted to build the family she had always wanted. She turned back around the woman when she asked for her boarding pass once more.

"I'm sorry," Arizona mumbled weakly when the woman frowned at her, the blonde shaking her head and taking a step back. She bumped into the man, his previous grumble now louder and more annoyed, "I'm sorry. I uhm… I need to go. Right now."

Arizona turned and pushed her way out of the line, her shoulders colliding with so many people as she rushed her way out. She felt like someone had set her body on fire as she walked through the airport, her legs moving quicker than she knew possible. She dropped her boarding pass into the trash as she walked past, her body practically running as her mind thought of Callie over and over. In that moment, as she ran her way through the airport, she knew more than ever that she didn't want her life now, or her life in Baltimore, but she wanted her life in five years. She wanted to build her life with Callie, to become everything she had dreamt she would have when she was six years old and wishing for a different family. She wanted Callie, and everything that came along with her.

/

Arizona's eyes snapped open when she heard the sound of footsteps clicking against the wooden floor of the hallway. She shot her head to look down the hallway, her head that had been hammering in her chest slowing when she watched a young couple walk past and eyes her cautiously for a moment. She offered a weak smile before dropping her head back against the wall, blinking her eyes awake. She grabbed her phone from her bag, reading the time and ignoring the insane amount of texts from Nick asking whether she had gotten on the plane. She had been sat outside the blue door for nearly four hours and asleep for the past hour. She licked at her dry lips as she brushed off her shirt, her hands covered in a constant clammy sweat from the nerves that had been bubbling in the pit of her stomach ever since the taxi had pulled up outside Callie's building. It felt strange to be back after so long, and yet Arizona felt like this had always been her second home.

Arizona fiddled with the hem of her shirt for a while longer, letting out a deep breath to try and shake the nerves that were radiating all over her body and making her feel ill. Every time she heard footsteps on the hallway she felt a soar of panic rush through her, only for it to pop like a deflated balloon when her eyes fell upon someone else. Arizona heard the doors to the elevator ping open around the corner, the sound of feet on the wood once more. Even before she saw her she knew it was her.

Just like that the nerves that had been building in her stomach exploded all over her body, making it feel somewhere between being on fire and completely numb. She eyes fell upon Callie who was turning the corner, her head buried down as she searched through her bag on her shoulder. She was wearing her scruffy, worn out _Miami Heat's_ shirt that Arizona always loved her in, her favourite leather jacket thrown over it. She looked perfectly imperfect. Arizona felt her mouth go dry as she watched her. Her heart was hammering so hard in her chest that she was surprised that neither Callie heard it nor did she have a heart attack. Arizona watched as Callie fished her keys from her bag, letting out a low sigh before looking up. Her feet stopped. She was stood in the middle of the hallway, her eyes widening as they took in the sight of Arizona sat on the floor next to the door. The blonde fumbled onto her feet, her legs feeling weak and stiff as she brushed herself down.

"You're supposed to be on a plane." Callie spoke as she pointed at Arizona with a large bunch of keys in her hand. Arizona loved the way Callie frowned at her, the confused line forming between her eyes and her brows tugging down. The blonde cocked her head to the side, offering a small smile to Callie and shrugging her shoulders softly. Her mind had been so blank for her hours. She had sat next to the door and brainstormed what she was going to say, searching for ideas and eventually finding some. But now she realised she didn't need to spend all that time searching, because with just one look at Callie she knew what she was going to say. She knew everything that she wanted the other woman to hear, the words tumbling from her mouth like a wall had been broken and months and months of words were falling out.

"I'm an idiot," Arizona croaked out, swallowing the thickness in her throat and continuing, "I was about to get on the plane and the longer I stood there, the more I realised I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I thought leaving was the right thing to do, but it's not. Having a country between us won't change the fact that every night I climb into bed feeling cold and empty because you're not here. I still wake up sometimes in the night and stretch my arm out for you, even now. Even after all of this time apart. Without you I feel lonely, Callie. There could be a million people surrounding me and I would feel lonely and scared in this world without you. I want you, Calliope, all of you. I want the hard-core-surgeon-Callie who stuns me with how amazingly talented you can be with your perfectly steady hands. I want the Callie whose kiss makes me forget about everything, like you're wiping every worry clear from my head. And more than anything, I want the Callie who is going to sit with our kids and read them bedtime stories before tucking them in."

Arizona felt the words drop from her lips when the sob from Callie cracked through the hallway and bounced off the walls, the blonde clenching her jaw and she took in the sight of tears streaming down the brunette's face. Callie was wiping at her eyes with her spare hand, batting away the tears and just whimpering to herself quietly. Arizona felt tears in her own eyes but held them back. She was going to finish this. She was going to say everything she wanted to say and she was going to make sure it was clear. Callie deserved this. She deserved everything.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to realise this, I know I haven't been fair, and I know even now this isn't fair. The thought of children… it terrifies me. I'm terrified that I won't be good enough, or that I I'll turn into someone I don't want to be, or that everything will just go wrong. My whole life that scared me, so one day I just decided that it was easier not to have children, but I was wrong. The thought of children terrifies me, but the thought of children with you? It gives me this warm fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't ignore anymore. When I'm with you, I'm not scared of anything. Watching you be a mother will be the most perfect thing I will ever see, and I want to see that for the rest of my life. I want to wake up on a Sunday morning in some big old house that is ours and walk down the stairs to see you dancing around the kitchen with a mini-you on your hip. I want that every single Sunday. So maybe our kids will end up resenting me, or wishing they were nothing like me. But that's okay, because they'll have you. Maybe they won't even be like me, they'll be like you and that'll be perfect. So please, forgive me. _Please_ love me, Callie. Because I don't know what I'm going anymore but when I'm with you none of that matters. When I look at you I don't care about anything else, and I just want to feel like that forever. I love you, Calliope. Please say that you love me too."

Arizona felt like there was no air in the hallway as she stood and looked at the woman in front of her. Callie let out a small huff of air, wiping her fingers under her eyes and removing tears that only returned a moment later. As a few seconds passed Arizona felt a stab on panic hit her core. She hadn't considered the idea that Callie might not want her anymore. That after all this time, all of this back-and-forth game, that maybe Callie was tired. Maybe Callie felt they weren't right for each other anymore. Maybe everything that had been said in the past week, all of the comments of about them being too much for each other now, were true. Arizona felt like she was going to be sick, her heart hammering hard in her chest and her pulse rushing through her head. She could hear it so clear in her ears, the flow of her blood. She just stood and watched the brunette, waiting for something. Anything. She heard a small laugh come from Callie, Arizona frowning and cocking her head to the side. It took a moment for Arizona to catch up to what was happening, her eyes taking in the sight of Callie closing the space in between, dropping her bag on the floor, and grabbing Arizona's face in her hands before capturing her lips.

Arizona felt their mouths falter against each other for a moment, tears falling from her eyes when she closed them. She weaved her hands into Callie's jacket, gripping at a handful of her grey shirt and holding her like she would never let go. She kissed her like it was their first and last time all in one. One of Callie's hand clutched her neck, holding her in place, the other weaving into her hair and bunching it. Arizona could feel her legs moving as Callie pressed against her, both of them stumbling a few paces back until a thud echoed around the hallway and Arizona felt herself pressed up against Callie's door. She could practically feel the smile on Callie's lips as they kissed, Arizona clutching at her and pulling her impossibly close. She wanted to feel the weight of Callie against her. She wanted to run her hands over every single piece of skin, feel every single curve under the tips of finger. She kissed her like there nothing else left in the world to do but kiss her. She wanted to groan when Callie pulled away with a gasp, both of them needing air, but stopped herself when Callie didn't move far. She felt her forehead against hers, Arizona moving her hand up to cup Callie's cheek when the brunette let out a small sob of tears. She felt like she needed to be touching her at all time, her fingers tracing her skin and reminding her of every small indent. Arizona pressed her lips against her cheek, then the other, then her nose. She kissed all over her face as Callie giggled between her tears, a noise that made Arizona's legs go weak. Callie pulled her head off Arizona's, only an inch between their faces and looked her directly in the eye.

"I love you too."


	11. Deal

Arizona could feel everything in her body. She could feel the blood pumping furiously around her, worryingly slowing with each shaky breath. She could feel her chest burning with the struggles of breathing, her throat feeling like it was clawing any oxygen away from leaving or entering her body. And more of all, she could feel her bullet that had torn through her abdomen, leaving in its path ripped tissues and oceans of blood to pour from her like it had newly found freedom. She couldn't breathe. She needed someone. She was going to _die_. The blonde lay in what she was sure was a pool of her own blood, lifting her hands to see them stained in a red liquid that made her head cloud and her eyes blur. She tried to move. Her brain focusing on moving her legs and regretting it when it caused her stomach to erupt further in pain and feel like she was ripping the bullet hole open. All she needed to do was find someone. If she found someone they would help, they would stop the bleeding and get her to an OR _. Just find someone. Shout for someone. Ignore the pain and look for someone._ She opened her mouth and pulled in the most oxygen her body would allow, swallowing it down and holding her chest before shouting for help. Over and over. _Help. Someone. Please, help me._

That was when she saw it. At first it was just a dark figure that appeared at the end of the corridor, her head straining and shaking to hold itself up and look. Her eyes were blurring the longer she fought against the pain to hold her head up, but she couldn't look away. The dark figure, a person, was walking towards her. She couldn't see their face. All she could see was their body, covered in a surgical gown. Their gloved hands carrying things. _Surgical pads. Oxygen. A scalpel_. She watched as they moved closer and closer, their feet echoing down the empty hallway. Arizona was certain they were coming right towards her, whoever it was. They were going to help her. They were going to save her. Her head dropped back down onto the floor, a laugh or relief tickling up her throat and as she stared at the ceiling. It took her a few more seconds before she realised she was still lay alone. _No one_ was by her side, _no one_ was helping her. She strained her head up once more and her eyes fell on the utensils. Everything that was needed to stop her from bleeding out set neatly and politely on the floor right in front of her, just out of reach. The figure was stood there, just watching her.

In that moment she felt like a thousand more bullets were pouring into her body. She was being tested. The means of saving her life were a fingers length away and she couldn't reach. The person was stood there, watching her die. She was being made to die and this person was watching. As they turned and made their way back down the corridor, Arizona opened her mouth to shout. _Come back and save me. Please, help me._ But nothing came out. Nothing could be heard except the clicking on heels on the floor. She was going to die.

She was being _left_ to die.

/

Arizona shot up in bed, the sheets falling from her sweat covered body and pooling on her legs. She was gripping handfuls of it tightly, her head turning to her side to see the naked back of Callie, her hair falling haphazardly over. The sight of it calmed her slightly, her hands releasing the sheet and the stiffness of her body easing somewhat. But her heart was still hammering in her chest, sweat pouring from her forehead and back, her skin feeling like it was burning when she touched it. She looked at Callie for a few more moments, trying to focus her whole body on the naked woman and the activities they had been engaging in an hour ago, but it wasn't working. Her heart still felt like it was going to burst through her chest as she swung her legs over the edge of the bed, grabbed a shirt off the floor, and padded her bare feet along to the cold wood of the apartment, heading to the kitchen.

She grabbed the nearest glass she could see and filled it with water, taking a sip and feeling it run down her throat. She leant both hands on the counter in front of her, leaning forward and dropping her head to focus on her ragged breathing for a moment. A quick glance at the clock confirmed what her burning eyes were telling her, she had been asleep for less than half an hour. She told herself to think about something else, but she couldn't move her mind away from the image of someone stood watching her. The surgical pads brushing against the tips of her blood covered fingers. She stood there pressing against her own skin to remind herself that she wasn't dead, that someone hadn't left her to bleed to death. It all made everything feel too real. She felt her hands wind its way up the hem of her shirt, her fingers skirting first along the incision scar before moving over to her bullet scar, her finger tracing the still sensitive skin. The dream had made it feel like she had been shot all over again, her stomach contracting in the same way. She felt like she was going to die all over. Arizona arched her head and let out slow breaths, repeating it over and over until they no longer shook and ragged her up her throat.

The feeling of arms wrapping around her waist made her whole body flinch before it sighed into the shape of Callie pressing up behind her. One of Callie's arms remained firmly around the blonde waist, the other moving up to pull her blonde hair to one side of neck before joining her other arm. Callie held her waist tightly, one hand lightly the hem of her shirt and allowing her nails to tickle along skin, whilst she pressed three soft kisses along the length of the blonde's neck. Arizona sighed, feeling like someone was running warm water over with each kiss, stretching her neck to the side to offer Callie more exposure. Every time she felt Callie's breath on her a small part of the dream disappeared from her mind. Callie laughed against the skin before closing her lips around her neck, a long kiss being held against her. Just like that Arizona could no longer feel the burn in her stomach like she had been shot. She couldn't see the dark, faceless silhouette. She pressed back into Callie, feeling every curve of the other woman against her.

"I love you." Arizona breathed, hardly loud enough for Callie to hear. She hadn't been saying it for a purpose or a response, but more so because she simply couldn't stop herself from saying it. She wanted to say it over and over, let Callie hear it every single minute of every single day if she could. She felt Callie's nails tickle quickly over the skin of her abdomen, a movement that made Arizona's stomach clench with excitement rather than pain.

"I love you more."

Arizona turned in Callie's arm, the brunette leaving her nails to teasingly scrape along her skin as she spun. Her tired and blurred eyes flickered between the ones directly in front of her, Callie's soft brown one's looking back at her with a sleepy wash over them. Callie's lips spread into a playful smile that came across adorably dopey from her being tired. A sweet, soft and perfect smile that made Arizona feel like her breath was being taken away once more. That was all that was needed, that feeling, for her to close the minimal space between them, her lips capturing Callie's. Arizona was surprised by the noise that groaned in the back of her throat, her mind not realising how much her body still wanted Callie in one night. The chaste kiss wasn't enough, she wanted to show Callie how her statement was wrong. How there was no possible way that anything on earth could love something more than she loved Callie. Her hands moved up the brunette and tangled in her hair. She no longer just wanted Callie, she needed her. She needed her to wash away the remnants of the dream, the wipe away the taste of blood in her mouth and the sound of her pulse racing past her ears. She needed to reset her body.

And Callie's tongue was doing just that. Arizona pressed against her, pushing until the brunette collided with the kitchen island behind her. Her hands were gripping, removing the shirt from Callie's body in one swift motion to minimise the time in which their lips were apart. She felt like Callie was her only source of oxygen, her fingers pushing and pressing into her skin, her nails following after with scratched that tickled against Callie's skin. Arizona wanted to touch every part of her, run her tongue along every part of her. She wanted to feel every single thing like it was the first time all over again, and this time she wanted to remember it. She wanted to sear every aspect of Callie into her mind because she knew what it was like to go without. She knew how weak and fragile her memory had been when Callie wasn't there, brief glimpses of a body she could no long picture clearly. She wanted to know every spot that made Callie moan a little lower, a little louder and a little longer. She dragged her mouth down her jawline with her hands ran over her breasts, Callie throwing her head back and offering access to her neck easily. Arizona felt like she was exploring as she grazed and nipped at areas with her teeth, sucking at the spot until she knew she would leave a mark. The sound of Callie's moans in her ear were like wildfire, burning her on and on.

"God, I've missed you so much." Callie moaned out, her voice just a hot, breathy blur to Arizona's focus. Arizona just smiled into her neck, pressing a softer and more tentative kiss to her pulse.

She ran her hands up Callie's sides once more, her fingertips brushing gently against the skin on her throat as her tongue darted out to run along the other side. Callie made a weak noise which struggled up her throat, Arizona feeling it against her lips and biting once more against her neck. Arizona would have sworn in that moment she felt Callie give everything against her, open herself up and offer everything. The brunette pushed her weight against the blonde and the kitchen island, pushing herself up and wrapping her legs around Arizona's waist as she laid her down on the cold surface and tried not to focus on the wetness Callie had left on her stomach when wrapped around her. Arizona didn't care about the fact Callie currently lay naked on the surface they cooked and ate off of, because the mere sight of a naked Callie spread out on the kitchen island in front of her was enough to her to fall apart. She arched her back when Arizona tucked her arms under her thighs, pulling her closed until she was perched on the edge and only a breaths distance away.

Arizona pressed a kiss to the inside of Callie's knee, pressing her hand down onto her stomach when the brunette squirmed on the cold surface. She moved slightly higher, though nowhere near high enough for Callie, before pressing another kiss. She repeated the process, spending more time with each kiss. Paying more attention to that part of skin with each process. Arizona could feel her whole body shaking as she stood, Callie's legs perching over her shoulders and mouth moving to trail her tongue along the length of her left inner-thigh. She hovered her mouth over Callie for a moment, hearing a soft whimper when she felt a warm breath against the area she wanted Arizona most.

Arizona just took in the sight of her. Her back arching off the island and pushing her breasts up. Her hair falling haphazardly around her head, small curls stuck to her forehead from sweat. Arizona knew it would be curling at the back of her neck too, and she wanted nothing more than to stop what she was doing and run her fingers through them. As soon as the taste of Callie touched her tongue her head was clear. All she could focus on was everything around her. The way her body burnt, shook and ached. The way Callie tasted. The way Callie's moan echoed through the apartment. Her head was completely clear as she worked her tongue against her, working on remembering and learning every single part of Callie in the most intimate details.

/

Arizona stared absentmindedly at the eggs in front of her, moving them around and barely focusing on her hand. She could feel her body lagging from the sleepless night. Once she and Callie had managed to peel themselves off the kitchen floor and back to the bed she couldn't shake the dream. With Callie peacefully curled up asleep beside her she didn't have a distraction, and just like that the dark of night repeated it over and over until every time she closed her eyes all she could see was the faceless figure and all she could taste was blood. Arizona blinked her eyes at the eggs to shake the image from her head, shaking her head quickly to also loosen the sleepy haze. She needed to focus on something else. She needed a distraction. So she looked for the easiest one in the room; Callie.

She watched her perched on the edge of the couch, sloppily pulling her hair up into a messy bun as she watched the headlines shoot across on the news. Arizona loved the way Callie would tut or roll her eyes every time a politician made a comment she disagreed with. She watched as the brunette huffed at a certain comment before pushing up and walking over to the kitchen, stopping at the other side of the island in front of Arizona. Both of them fully aware of why Callie was throwing a playful smirk whilst placing her hands down the surface, theirs minds flickering to the night before. Arizona loved the fact that from now on, every time she would look at this kitchen she would remember the way Callie's back arched on the island counter, or the way Callie's fingers made her unravel on the floor underneath her feet. It was the way a kitchen should be remembered.

Arizona turned and grabbed two plates, chucking the already made toast onto them. She leant over to grab the butter, turning to place it in front of Callie and pausing when she noticed the brunette's eyes burning into her. The playful smirk was gone, her eyes glazed over with thoughtfulness that wasn't on the night before. Arizona watched her for a moment as she dished out the eggs, Callie's attention snapping back when the plate was pressed in front of her.

"What are you thinking about?" Arizona asked as she walked around the island and hopped up onto the stool, Callie turning to the side so her knees bumped against the blonde's thigh, Arizona's hand moving to rest on it without her even thinking. It was the small gestures like that which both of them had missed so dearly. Both of them feeling like they _just could_. They _just could_ touch each other, and they _just could_ call each other theirs.

"I was just thinking about something you said last night."

"That sounds worrying…" Arizona joked as she bit her toast, grabbing her coffee and washing it down a large mouthful. She was already on her fourth cup, sneaking two in when Callie was still struggling to peel herself out of bed.

"It's nothing bad," Callie countered quickly, Arizona just nodding as she took another sip from her coffee and waited for Callie to explain, the movement following quickly after a sigh, "I was just thinking that you were wrong if you think that our kids will grow up to wish they're nothing like you. I pray to God that our kids grow up to be _exactly_ like you. I want to hear the shrieking sounds of laughter through the house at five o'clock in the morning and not be able to get mad because I'll find it so adorable that they've inherited your insanely infuriating habit of being able to be so happy in the morning. I want them to care about other people in the same way you do. I want to wake up every Sunday morning to see you in the back garden teaching our children to wheel around on their heels, and then I want to spend the next five minutes arguing with you about how dangerous it is. If our kids aren't like you, Arizona, I don't want them."

Arizona felt like she had frozen as she held her coffee cup to her lips, the mouthful she had just taken still hanging bitterly in her mouth. Somehow she felt like they had been in a bubble for the past twelve hours, but instead of time standing still it had sped up. She felt like she was sitting next to Callie, ten years down the line, having breakfast with her. They had done everything, seen everything, felt everything. And with Callie's words still hanging in the air, Arizona felt them crashing to the ground with the realisation and reminder that only twelve hours she had been running out of an airport and calling for the nearest taxi. The night had been filled with remembering each other bodies, their hands and tongue doing the talking and refraining them from having sobering moments like this. But now they were sat having breakfast. Twelve hours had passed, their clothes were on, and Callie was reminding her so casually about everything that was new. She and Callie were new-borns, less than a day old and learning how to walk away. They were re-learning how to crawl and walk on a bed of promises and potentials, a shaky cement underneath their trusting feet. It scared Arizona just how much it felt like she was at home right now without actually being in her home. How she was realising her home wasn't her apartment, nor was it an operating theatre or hospital, but simply a person. Callie was her home. Always had been, always would be. And it terrified her how she had been away from her home for so long, how it was so alarmingly possible that one day she could be away from her home again, and how she was trying to build her home stronger. The walls had been weakened, the foundations cracked and the furniture burnt. But they were rebuilding. They were giving each other everything back, brick by brick, and they were rebuilding. So, with the startling clear-headed aura in the room, Arizona swallowed her coffee and set the cup down, flashing a smile at the woman in front of her and said the only thing she could think of in that moment.

"You're not going to let our kids skate around on their heels? Just think about how adorable the shoes will look."

"Arizona, I'm an orthopaedic surgeon. Do you really need to ask that question?" Callie laughed, Arizona smirking back at her. She loved the way Callie's mouth pulled so effortlessly up into a smile. It was something she could watch forever- something she _will_ watch forever.

"Okay, I see your point."

/

Arizona chewed on her lip as she flicked through the research paper in her hands, absentmindedly scanning every other sentence and barely picking up what the actual subject was about. She sighed and dropped it down onto the bed next to her, picking her phone up from the pillow and rolling her eyes at the two missed calls. Both from the Chief of Surgery at Hopkins, a voicemail showing on the screen that Arizona pretended she hadn't seen. The phone call in which she explained she was still in Seattle, wasn't on her way to Baltimore and never would be, was painful enough without having to endure what she was almost certain would be a begging phone call followed by a harsh tone and downright rude declaration of her making a stupid and regretful decision. She lifted the paper and opened it from the beginning for the third time, Callie's timekeeping having failed to change in the time they were apart.

She made it halfway down the third page of the article when Callie appeared in the doorway of the bathroom. She was fixing her earring, looking nervously around for something. Arizona watched her, her mind moving away from the article and instead wondering if she knew any words that could describe Callie in that moment. Resplendent. Pulchritudinous. Fascinating. Her black dress clung to her in areas, swaying away from her in others. But then again, Arizona found Callie breath-taking in scrubs. It wasn't the clothes that hugged her curves that made her any of those things, it was just her. So instead of reading her article, knowing full well that when Callie said she was nearly ready it actually meant another ten minutes, she watched her. She watched as she played nervously with her earring. Watched as she fumbled her hands over her dress. Watched as she checked herself in the mirror, checked a moment later and then turned around when walking away to check once more. It was only when Callie was back in the bathroom, Arizona lifting the article and searching for where she left off, that the brunette's voice floated through.

"I feel nervous."

"It's only dinner with Teddy and Henry." Arizona shouted back through, a small laugh of confusion as she set the paper back down and looked to the bathroom. She could see the shadow of Callie moving around, occasionally catching a glimpse of her black dress. There was silence for a few seconds until Callie appeared in the doorway again, leaning against the frame as she attached a bracelet around her wrist.

"I know, but… I don't know, I just feel nervous. This is the first time we've been, you know, a _we_ in a while and I guess I'm just a little nervy about it."

"Cal," Arizona smirked, sitting forward slightly on the bed and ducking her head to catch the brunette's shy eyes, "I'll say it again, it's only Teddy and Henry. We have been a _we_ to them for a very long time, we just didn't know it ourselves."

"I guess so. Have you worked out what you're going to say to The Chief yet?" Callie asked as she finished putting the bracelet on, jiggling her wrist about before dropping it to her side and looking over. Arizona just shrugged her shoulders, sighing deeply and running her hands through her hair.

"I haven't really thought about it. I'll just say I changed my mind and grovel for a job."

"He's going to give you your job back, don't worry about," Callie spoke as she turned and walked back into the bathroom, her voice echoing as she continued to talk, "you bring too much business to the hospital for him not to and you're too good to pass on. Can you grab me my black heels? They should be somewhere in the bottom of the wardrobe, I always just kick them in."

"Chief will probably give me _a_ job back, but not _my_ job," Arizona groaned as she pushed herself off the bed and walked to the wardrobe, bending to shovel her way through the mountain of shoes that Callie just dumped there, "Stark is there now, I'll have to work for him and I don't know whether he'll want…"

Arizona felt her voice fade before she even realised it was going to. Her crouched legs suddenly felt heavy as she glanced down at the grey fabric that had previously been in the corner of her eye. She didn't know why she stopped to look at it. Maybe it was the red lettering on it that caught her eye, or maybe she noticed the faded coffee stain. Or maybe it was simply because she had spent countless minutes spent wondering where she had placed the sweater over the past months, that now seeing the subtle indicators of it, she couldn't help herself. But she had looked. And she had not only seen an old sweater that she recognised, but a small pile of clothes that all triggered weak memories in her head. She dropped the shoe that was in her hand and stretched to the lift the pile of maybe ten items, pushing herself up and moving to set them on the bed. She flicked through it. Her grey-coffee-stained-ridiculously-worn-out Hopkins sweater. An oversized _Baltimore Raven's_ shirt that Nick had given to her when she left for her residency. A cheap pair of joggers that were still speckled with paint from helping Teddy decorate her old apartment.

"Callie?" Arizona called out as she continued to look through the old clothes, a few more piece that had no particular sentimental value but she remembered wearing. Arizona wondered why she had never considered that she had left them here. She had thought endlessly whether she left her Hopkins sweat at the hospital by accidents, or at the park maybe. But never had she thought she had left it here. She lifted it and held it as she heard Callie's voice continue from the bathroom.

"Stark's contract is only for year and with you here The Chief won't offer him a new renewal. He'll be UCLA or Mayo's problem a year from now and you'll be the Head again, you don't need to worry about Stark because he's just-"

"Cal?" Arizona called out once more, Callie's voice stopping. Arizona looked up from the jumper in her hand, watching as Callie appeared in the doorway, fiddling with the bracelet around her wrist.

"Yeah?" She asked absentmindedly, not looking up and seeing the destructed pile of clothes that lay on the bed instead of her black heels. Arizona began to refold some of the clothes, recreating the pile and waiting a second long enough for Callie to look up. Even in the shade of light and the shade of her skin tone, Arizona could have sworn she watched Callie pale in front of her. The brunette's mouth opened and closed, a bubbing mess as she just stared at Hopkins sweater. It was as though she herself didn't know it was in there, or at least she hadn't seen them in a while. Embarrassment washed over her face, like she had been caught in the tangle of a secret, Arizona frowning in confusion.

"What's this?" Arizona asked as she pointed at the clothes, Callie licking at her lips before pulling her bottom on in and chewing on it. She leant her head back on the wall and closed her eyes, breathing out a loud sigh through her nose before looking back up.

"They're your clothes. From when… you forgot to pack them when you were leaving, so they got left behind."

"How come you never gave them back to me? Or got rid of them? You could have gotten Teddy to give them to me if you didn't want to speak to me."

"It wasn't like that," Callie spoke softly, pushing off the doorframe and walking to the other side of the bed. She looked at the clothes for a moment before taking the Hopkins sweater that Arizona had now dropped on the bed, looking down at it in her hands, "I don't know. I just never wanted to do any of those, I guess. I mean, there were times when I picked them up and went to throw them in the trash, but for some reason every time they would end up back in there. I just didn't want to get rid of them, they were all I had left of you in this apartment. They helped me remember that you were once here."

"Callie…"

"I know, it's sad really. And a little strange. But one minute you were here and the next you were gone. One night I was sleeping curled up with you and the next I couldn't sleep because I forgot what it felt like having you here- having you with me all the time. But whenever I looked at the clothes I remembered. Because this sweater was your favourite sweater. And that Ravens shirts was your favourite shirt to sleep in. You used to cook breakfast for me in nothing but that shirt and underwear. So I kept the clothes and I guess I just wished and hoped that one day I wouldn't need the pile anymore."

Arizona didn't need to take a moment to digest the words. She didn't need thirty seconds to think about what to do, or what to say, or whether to say something at all. Because she knew. All she did was move her feet around the distance of the bed, take the jumper from Callie's fiddling hands, and grab her face until she was pulling her in for a kiss. She kissed her until she could breathe. She wanted to kiss her until she was sure that neither of them would ever need a garment of clothing to remember the other by, kissing Callie over and over in attempt to gain that. She kissed all over Callie's face, relishing in the giggles and ignoring Callie's weak and feigned attempt to stop when she protested they were going to be late. Suddenly the half an hour Arizona had spent waiting for Callie to get ready didn't even matter. She didn't care whether they were a whole day late to dinner, she just wanted to kiss the woman in front of her for a little while longer.

/

Arizona stood staring out at the darkened cityscape, the lights of the city illuminating and showing the water in the distance. She turned and glanced around the apartment, now furnished and unrecognisable from the bachelor-pad-type apartment that she had viewed with Teddy weeks ago. Her eyes fell on the hideous coffee table that Teddy had been so adamant about burning if it even moved an inch into the apartment, now sitting proudly in front of the couch. It felt like it had been lifetimes ago that she stood in the place she was now, her heels clicking on the wooden floor and echoing in the bare rooms, explaining to Teddy her reason to move to Baltimore. The last time she had been here she had been so certain of what her life would look like and where she would be. She was so sure that she would be sat in a new apartment, or stood in a new OR, or drinking in a new bar. But she was here, and everything was different to what she had thought.

So much had happened. A bullet had powered through her body, torn her literally apart, and left her bleeding to death. Her life had literally been threatened in the time since she had originally stood in this apartment, and every single night she was reminded of it. She couldn't remember the last time she had slept for longer than an hour straight. Every single night she would wake with sweat either soaking through her shirt of sheening over her naked body. She would peel herself out of the comforting grip of Callie, knock back a glass of water in an attempt to stop the shakiness and nausea, before returning to the bed and spending the night lay watching Callie sleep. It was a painful regularity, and the more nights that passed by without her sleeping anywhere near enough, the more she wondered when it would stop.

Arizona stared out of the window longer, her mind wandering to the dream once more. She felt the familiar taste of blood enter her mouth as she stood there, her stomach churning. She needed to move. She walked past the kitchen area, flashing a smile back at Callie's sweet one, before heading down the hallway. It was only when she was passing a doorway that she stopped and looked into the empty space, frowning. She turned to see Teddy now walking up the hallway, two wine glasses in her hands. Arizona pointed to the empty room and frowned at her friend.

"It's empty."

"I know." Teddy sighed as she handed over one of the glasses, Arizona taking it and just frowning even deeper back at her.

"Teddy, it's _empty_. The second room is completely empty, there's not one piece of furniture in here."

"I know, it's literally sat completely empty, collecting dust and awkward conversations. It's like a box-shaped-fucking-stop-watch. I constantly mention it. _Hey, Henry, had any ideas what you want to make the second room. What about a home office for us to do work in?_ I even offered a freaking tiny gym. All he ever does is shrug his shoulders and tell me we don't have to make a decision right now and that there's plenty of time to wait and see what we need the room to be. Well, there may well be time but every single time I walk past and see an empty damn room I feel like it's a pretty clear symbol of how little time there is between me walking down the aisle and me pushing a nine pound bowling ball out of me."

"Ted, I don't want to me that kind of person who says _I told you so_ , but I told you so. I told you everything was moving too quick. When we came to view this apartment you felt like you were being rushed, and suddenly I wake up from being shot and you're moving in, getting _married_ and clearly telepathically having conversations about babies without actually having the conversation. This room is a cold war stand off on who is going to mention first about it being a nursery."

"I want to marry him- I'm going to marry him. But everything else just needs to wait a little, so I'm going to win this cold war standoff," Teddy sighed as they walked into the room, large windows on the far side showing the other side of the city, Arizona peered out of them whilst hearing Teddy mutter under her breath about Henry before stopping and turning to her. "Speaking of the shooting, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" Arizona spoke quickly, taking a gulp from the wine that in no way indicated she was _fine_. Teddy clocked the movement but didn't mention it, instead shrugging her shoulders casually and glancing at the few boxes that were in the corner of the room, needing to still be unpacked.

"I'm just checking. It hasn't been that long and you went back to work sooner than you should have. Plus it would be normal for you to be experiencing some PTSD after what happened, especially after what you went through," Arizona just nodded as Teddy spoke, flashing a securing smile and heading for the door as Teddy spoke once more, "Are you? Experiencing any PTSD, I mean. Any flashbacks? Nightmares? Reckless behaviour?"

"I ran out of an airport and abandoned a job at Hopkins if that counts as reckless behaviour," Arizona teased, a strained laugh coming from her as she walked out of the room and Teddy followed after her. Arizona glanced to the concerned but also stern glare on Teddy's face, sighing weakly, "Teddy, no. I'm fine, okay? No flashbacks. No nightmares. Questionable behaviour I guess, but really who is to question an act of love after all and deem it reckless."

"You're an ass." Teddy shoved her as they walked, Arizona laughing as she moved her wine glass to stop it swaying over the edge. They walked back out to the main room, glancing over to the kitchen where Henry was taking animatedly about whatever he was cooking, Callie pretending to be interested as she chopped an onion.

"Is this how excited he gets over wedding planning?"

"He's been wanting to throw a dinner party for weeks and you staying gave him a perfect opportunity, so thank you for this. I've been on my feet all day long with the ER being hectic, all I wanted was a glass of wine and my bed. Speaking of work, I met your swanky replacement today."

"Stark? How was he?" Arizona asked as they walked over to the couch, perching on the edge. Teddy rolled her eyes as she noticed the tray of appetisers Henry had left for them, all neatly presented and enough to feed a small army.

"Oh, you know, the usual moody-arrogant-self-absorbed-asshole that everyone knows him to be. I paged him for a consult in the pit and when he finally showed up after fifteen minutes he was very keen to tell me that he doesn't come all the way down to the ER just to do minor checks and that I should page someone else in future. Like, seriously, _all the way down_? Its four floors in an elevator. Asshole."

"He is good, he can just be somewhat sloppy and rushed. You just need to keep an eye on him." Arizona spoke, shrugging her shoulders and leaning back as she took a sip of her wine. She heard a small laugh come from Teddy.

"Or you could get your ass into The Chief's office and get your job back."

"I'm going to see him tomorrow."

"What have you been doing for the past two days? Living on cloud nine?" Teddy joked as she leant forward and sniffed around the appetisers, picking her way through them. She lifted something and popped it into her mouth, turning to look at Arizona who pretended to think for a moment before nodding.

"Pretty much. Just lots and lots of sex."

"Jesus, I didn't need to know that," Teddy groaned with a mouthful of food being shown to Arizona, "so, how is it then? Everything you dreamed of? Has she filled that void that made you feel like you were sinking into the abyss? Has she made the stars line up?"

"You want to know who's an asshole? You." Arizona sighed as she pushed up from the couch, Teddy following after her and laughing. Arizona grabbed the bottle of wine from the kitchen counter and refilled her glass, turning to refill Teddy's which was already waiting ready.

"I'm not even sorry," Teddy laughed, Arizona hearing Callie and Henry's voice floating out from the empty second room as Henry explained how they had time before needing to choose what the room should be, "I listened to both of you whine _separately_ about each other for months, I've suffered enough, I think I should be allowed to take the piss now. Seriously though, down the nitty gritty, how was the talk?"

"The talk?" Arizona asked, wine sticking in her throat and making her voice come out choked. She swallowed thickly as Teddy raised her eyebrow and nodded, as though Arizona should be fully aware of what she meant.

"Come on, you know, _the talk_. The painful sit down to discuss everything that's happened. The agonising torture of picking apart everything that has been said and done to each other over the months apart and the subsequent apologies. _The talk._ "

"Oh, you mean _the talk_ , I'm sorry I thought you meant something else. How silly of me not to know about this magical talk?" Arizona teased as she walked away, heading for the second room to save Callie from Henry's ongoing discussion about the wedding. She could hear him talking through which flowers he wanted, moaning that Teddy hadn't been of much help. Arizona only made it a few steps before Teddy was grabbing her elbow and pulling her back, a slightly more serious look on her face.

"Arizona, come on, I'm serious…"

"We haven't done that… We don't _need_ to do that." Arizona shrugged her shoulder nonchalantly, Teddy raising a judging eyebrow.

"Trust me, you need to do it. Do it tonight. As soon as you're home."

"What? No, we don't need to. So, we said things. So, maybe some of those things were mean and uncalled for. But it doesn't matter now. We're back together and that's all that matters." Arizona turned and began walking again, Teddy following behind her and making the blonde stop when she spoke.

"Fine, but you'll regret it when this honeymoon period is over and you're both screaming at each other over burnt pasta, seven months down the line, because you remembered something one of you said months ago and you suddenly realise you're secretly and majorly still pissed off by it. Then you'll wish you had apologised and forgiven during the honeymoon period when it's easier to have the talk."

"Teddy," Arizona spoke in a lower voice, stepping back to be closer to Teddy now that they were closer to the room and she could clearly hear Callie's voice, "I don't hold anything against her, okay? There's nothing that makes me angry. And I'm sure she's the same, if she's not she'll say something."

"Really? What about her not visiting you in the ICU? What about everything she said when she thought you were sleeping? What about her screaming all over the hospital about how crazy she thinks you are? I'm serious, right now you don't think this matters but in a few months-"

"None of it matters. All of that stuff… All of it was just there to cover up. We were angry and upset so we yelled and said things we didn't mean. I did things to Callie that I'm sure she could be angry about, but I don't I only did them because I was annoyed about how shitty the situation was. Things are different now, the past doesn't need to be dug up."

"Fine, but just make sure the past doesn't bite you in the ass in a few months when you're on Perfect Island and not expecting the storm." Teddy held her hands up to show she was done, Arizona laughing as she walked round and they headed for the room.

"If it does I promise to let you know that you were right." Arizona laughed just as they got to the door and looked in to see Henry pulling out large rolls of paper. Arizona watched as he unfolded them to show large diagrams of wedding plans, intricate with details and all different ideas. She smirked at Teddy's clear disinterest, her friend sighing and turning back around as they stepped into the doorway.

"Thanks. And maybe in-between all the crazy sex you should try and sleep, you look like hell."

/

Arizona lay staring at the ceiling, her fingers fiddling with the sheet. She stared at the moonlight on the ceiling, lighting up the fan and showing clearly its continuous spins. She didn't know how long she had been awake for, all she knew was she couldn't sleep. She hadn't even had the chance to be woken by the dream tonight, her body refusing to shut down. She chewed on her lip, sighing softly and trying to focus her mind on something else.

It turned to Teddy's conversation that night, her words doing nothing to quench the tension in her chest. What if Teddy was right? What if everything that had happened, all of the days that had passed, had ruined everything? Arizona knew people who loved each other, who had been together for years, being broken over time apart. Time ruined _everything_. Too much time apart gave growth to other things. Things had happened in their time apart. Arizona knew that both of them had been with other people physically. Callie had even dated, offering herself to someone else and fully tried to make her life with someone else. She was willing to look for someone new. What if all of that meant that Callie now knew there were other options, that she didn't need to fully try with this relationship because she knew what was being offered out there?

Arizona felt her heart thumping in chest, shuffling down in the bed so her head was lay flat on the pillow. She glanced to the side, eyeing Callie for a moment and holding her breath when the brunette moved. She was tugging the sheets tighter around her, her legs moving underneath them and wrapping into Arizona's even more than they already were. Arizona waited for a moment before whispering into the room.

"Cal? Are you awake?" She was met with silence for a second until she heard the familiar grunt of a sleepy Callie, her hands scrunching more of the sheets around her.

"No."

"Do you think we need to talk?" Arizona whispered into the room, the darkness making everything feel so much more secretive and heavier. She turned her head to look to the brunette. She considered for a second that she may have fallen back asleep until Callie sighed and rolled over, her eyes closed as she curled up next to the blonde. She kissed her on her bare shoulder softly, breathing out before huffing out in a tired voice once more.

"Talk about what?"

"I don't know. Everything."

"That could take a while and we have to be up in three hours." Callie mumbled. Arizona felt her smiling against her shoulder, looking down to confirm it when she saw the brunette smirking against the skin of her shoulder. She could feel Callie's lips brushing over her skin with every movement, feeling her stomach settle slightly at the feeling.

"I know, it's just…" Arizona's voice faded with her confidence for a moment, Callie kissing her once more and reviving her, "Teddy said something earlier and at first I thought it was stupid but now I'm lay here thinking that maybe she was right. I just- I don't want to be stood arguing over burnt pasta with you in seven months."

"I literally have no idea what you're talking about." Callie commented in a joking manner, but she was shuffling back slightly to look up at Arizona's eyes. The moonlit room meant Arizona could see Callie's face, a sleepy smile playing on her face as she tickled her fingers over the blonde, just under her breast, and wrapped her arm over her. Arizona smiled down at her, tears choking in the back of her throat so quick that she didn't have time to realise they were coming. She bit down on her lip to stop them showing but realised she was too late when Callie pushed up onto her elbow, concern on her face as her arm pulled back and moved to tuck a strand of Arizona's hair back behind her ear.

"I've been cruel. To you. I've been cruel and horrible and awful to _you_. I ran away to Fiji after we broke up because I was too scared to face everything, and maybe if I had stayed things might have been different. Maybe if I was there we might have spoken, fixed things earlier, instead of forcing us to drift apart. I played with your emotions for months, over and over. I made you be my person when you shouldn't have been. I made you be there for me during everything with my dad when really I should have let you be- I should have known that wasn't your job anymore. I ignored you for weeks when I didn't know what to do or how to fix things. I avoided you and you didn't even know why- you had no idea what you had done wrong and I never explained myself. I just _left_ you. Then I physically left you. I took a job on the other side of the country without talking to you, without telling you, and without considering how that would make you feel. I've done cruel and horrible things to you over the past year and I'm scared that I've maybe done too many things for us to just forget about them. Maybe it's too much to just-"

"Arizona-" Callie breathed painfully, the blonde barely being able to hear her. She was so focused on what she felt like she needed to say, words tumbling out of her mouth, that she couldn't stop.

"Maybe it's too much to just ignore forever and I don't want us to start something the wrong way, I don't want to-"

"Arizona-" Callie tried once more, the blonde batting at her face to wipe tears that were threatening to fall. Callie pushed herself further up, wiping Arizona's tears quickly and opening her mouth once more, determined to stop Arizona.

"I just think that-"

"Arizona, please shut up a minute, okay?" Callie spoke, her voice coming out with a small laugh but strong enough for the blonde to clamp her mouth closed, "I want to say that none of it matters now, that everything that's been said and done is in the past, but I can't. You're right, you said things to me and did things that hurt me, but I did the exact same to you. I said things just as cruel and horrible. I left you as well. It wasn't a one way street, you don't get to take all of the blame and guilt here. So, I can't say that none of it matter when it clearly does."

"So, what do we do then?" Arizona asked, her voice sounding so vulnerable and childlike that Callie felt herself crumble as she looked at the broken woman in front of her. She sometimes forgot how vulnerable and scared Arizona could be underneath her strong and hard exterior. She was sometimes blindsided by the powerful woman that everyone else saw, having to remind herself that she knew Arizona. She knew that she was just like everyone else. Needed to be loved and terrified of losing what she loved. Callie shuffled up in the bed, catching Arizona's lips in a quick and chaste kiss. She could taste her tears and it broke her heart.

"Want to know what I think? I think we just give it time. I think we let time do its thing. We carry on the way we are now and we let each day that's filled with love erase each moment that was filled with anger. We remember the moment now instead and just learn from the ones in the past. And if we do happen to argue over burnt pasta in seven months? We work through it, okay? I'm in this, Arizona. I'm full-body-whole-heartedly in this, I'm not leaving. I _can't_ leave. And neither can you. So we work through it. We scream over pasta, and yell about clothes being left everywhere, and storm out of the room over dirty dishes. But every night we climb into this bed and we fix it before we fall asleep. Because we're in this together now. The past is the past, we can't change what we've said and done, but we can help forget it by making the future so much better. So, we're in this together, deal?"

"Deal." Arizona sniffled, giggling as Callie curled her little finger around Arizona's and kissed them quickly. Callie grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her head forward, placing her lips to the top of her head and holding her there. Arizona just held her, her hand holding on tightly to the other woman's neck. Callie breathed her in, placing a long sloppy kiss to her, before pulling back and holding her cheek.

"Good. So stop worrying about everything and go to sleep, you look tired."

"I love you." Arizona spoke as she shuffled down in the bed, staring back up at the ceiling fan once more. She held her arms up and allowed Callie wriggle into her, her head resting on Arizona's shoulder. Arizona kissed the top of her and ran her fingers through her hair, feeling Callie relax at the feeling. Silence settled through the room as Arizona lay contently. So maybe she couldn't sleep. So maybe her recurring dream made her feel like she was being shot again. But she had Callie. And she was content in spending her nights holding her. She continued to tickle her hair, stilling only for a moment when Callie's sleepy mumble vibrate against her.

"I love you, too."


	12. Not Fine

Arizona scooped her toothbrush up in one hand and the paste in another, running it over the bristles and shoving it into her mouth without even processing what her body was doing. She lifted the article she had been reading, her third from throughout the night, and continued to read as she brushed her teeth lazily. Everything she did recently was done lazily. She was earth-shattering, body-aching, soul-crushingly tired and she couldn't do anything about it. No matter how many times she forced herself under the sheets of a bed, or how many minutes she spent telling herself she just needed to give it time, she couldn't sleep. She had spent countless visits in the past couple of weeks sneaking into on call rooms in the hope of catching an hour of sleep, only to find herself back on her feet within twenty minutes, having tossed and turned.

It was taking its toll on her body, each day making her look haggard and her body feel heavier. She had pushed through so far, blaming different things. She told Callie it was just Stark overworking her to make his point that he was now the Head of Peds. She told Teddy it was sleepless nights spent having lots and lots of sex. She bit Mark's head off, barking that he was rude when he merely suggested she should catch some sleep instead of watching a surgery that she knew like the back of her hand. She was becoming moody and distant, her eyes burning mercilessly every second of every day. And she didn't know what to do or how to stop it. Every night she lay in bed, her body refusing to sleep for hours until it finally drifted, only to be woken in a flash of hot sweats and the image of a nightmare still searing on her head. It was all constant and appeared to be never-ending.

Arizona glanced up from the article in her hand as she turned the page, her eyes looking in the mirror to see Callie stepping out of the shower. She watched as the brunette wrapped a towel around her naked, wet body. Arizona's toothbrush hung limply from her mouth, her hand fumbling for it in an embarrassing manner. She felt a smirk tug at her lips as she watched Callie run her hands through her hair, shaking it across her bare back as she walked out of the bathroom. She focused back on the article in her hand, reading through a new experimental surgery that was being performed in New York. She stopped to spit the toothpaste from her mouth, her eyes catching on the mirror when she noticed Callie had reappeared in the doorway. Arizona didn't think anything of it for a moment, rinsing her mouth and looking back over when she heard no movement. Callie was still stood there, sheepishly playing with the towel between her fingers and fiddling with a strand of thread. She looked shy almost, a small frown playing on her face as she nervously chewed on her lip, completely unaware of how much it drove Arizona insane. The blonde watched as the other woman stood, appearing to psych herself up to do something.

"Cal?" Arizona asked, a small laugh lacing her voice as she dropped the article and stretched to grab the mouthwash. She unscrewed the lid, her eyes looking in the mirror to watch as Callie took in a deep breath, a hollow forming in the base of her neck. Arizona frowned, setting the mouthwash down next to the sink and turning around as Callie finally plucked up the courage to speak.

"Okay, so I told myself to let this go because it's stupid and it's probably nothing and maybe I'm just making things up in my head, but then I thought that… I don't think I'm making it up so I think we need to talk."

"Talk about what?" Arizona asked calmly, her body inching towards a panic mode but her mind telling her to step back. She did that too often. She panicked before she knew what was happening, reacted before she thought about things. She refused to do that anymore. So she smiled softly at Callie and instead of panicking, she waited for her to speak.

"You've been here for just under a month and-"

"Is this your way of telling me to get out of your apartment? Because I can go to a hotel until I get my apartment back, it's not long now," Arizona spoke quickly, her words and humorous tone sounding strange against the tense atmosphere of the room, "I can go and stay with Teddy and Henry for a little bit if you want your space, I fully understand that we've-"

"No, that's _definitely_ not what I'm saying, but you moving in is a conversation for another time." Callie spoke, a line forming between her brows as she frowned harder. Arizona was unable to stop the smirk that worked its way onto her lips, a small flustered blush appearing on Callie's cheeks. She crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her head to the side, laughing softly as she watched Callie scratch nervously at the back of her neck.

"Okay, so what's wrong then?"

"You've been here for just under a month and do you know how many times I've woken up next to you in bed? Five, and even then you were already awake. Eleven of the mornings I woke up to a note saying you had been called into work early-"

"I know, and I'm sorry, but Stark has just been on my back constantly and I didn't want to wake you when I'm leaving because you always looks so peaceful and I know how cranky you are in the morning so I just thought…"

Arizona's voice trailed and faded when she watched Callie raise her hand to silence her, the blonde frowning in confusion and laughing slightly. Her laugh sounded uncomfortable, her body suddenly feeling the tension in the room and trying to distract itself from the waves of nerves swirling around her stomach. She had an overwhelming urge to bolt from the room, chewing her lip to focus herself.

"Eleven of the mornings you were in work, and the other mornings you were either in the shower, or out running, or you were making breakfast for us."

"Do you not like me making breakfast for you? Because I'll stop if you want." Arizona teased, her humorous tone still feeling heavy in the room. She swallowed thickly, a small uncomfortable laugh coming from her as Callie smiled weakly.

She chewed on her lip for a moment longer, feeling Callie's eyes burn into. She felt like she under a spotlight. An interrogation. She didn't want this. Her body kicking into gear and heading for the door before she could stop herself with her brain. She knew this wasn't the right thing to do. She knew she needed to stop, to stay and talk about things with Callie like they had promised each other, but she couldn't. She knew which direction this conversation was going in and she didn't want to go there, so she was removing herself from the situation. The thought of explain her sleepless nights was painful enough, but the idea of lying to Callie about it? It made her stomach burn, so she was attempting to bolt.

She swallowed down her nerves as she walked, staring at the floor. For a brief moment her body relaxed at the prospect of making it through the door and into the safety of the bedroom, until she felt Callie's light and soft fingers wrap around her wrist and stop her. She heard her name, gently whispered in a tone that made her throat go dry. She looked up, a sigh leaving her mouth, to see Callie's eyes searching her face and looking for something. Arizona didn't know what to do. She wasn't ready to talk about this. She didn't know what to say about it when she didn't fully understand it herself yet. She flicked her eyes back and forth between Callie's, pleading for her to let it go. _Please don't make me talk about this. I don't know what to say. Please don't make me._ She watched her for a moment, Callie's eyes running all over her face. Arizona waited another moment before she did the only thing she could think of to change this situation. She closed the space between them, catching Callie's lips in a forceful kiss that pressed her back against the bathroom wall. She kissed her until there wasn't a single drop of oxygen left between them, pulling away and moving her lips immediately to run down her jawline. She couldn't stop. She waited for a brief moment to think about anything, or let Callie think. She kissed down her jawline, lifting Callie face and moving to her neck. She ran her tongue along the skin, collecting the droplets of water that still sat on her skin from the shower. She moved as slow as she could. She worked on her neck, sucking and putting pressure on all of the spots she knew she made Callie moan a little louder. She could hear her sharp breaths in her ear, weak moans being swallowed down in attempt to remain focused. The sound of name coming from the other woman's lips. _Arizona_. But Arizona knew it was only time, and when Callie moaned softly in her ear she felt hands being pressed against her shoulders. Arizona stumbled back slightly, shock washing over as she looked to Callie startled. Callie's mouth was open, her lips swollen and shallow breaths coming from them. They stood for a moment composing themselves, Arizona turning around and walking back towards the sink where she left the article she had been reading. As she walked, Callie's voice cracked through the room.

"You're not sleeping, Arizona. At first I thought maybe you were just avoiding morning sex but then I realised how ridiculous that idea was because you love morning sex. It's basically your favourite thing, you live for morning sex. So then I realised that the reason you're never in bed, the reason I never get to roll over and wake you up with morning sex, is because you're not sleeping."

"Callie," Arizona signed, stopping at the sink and hanging her head for a moment as she sighed. She waited for another few seconds before turning around, a fake smile plastered on her face, "I'm sleeping, okay? I'm _fine_. I've just been getting up earlier to sort things out with work, that's all. You know how busy I've been with Stark."

"Please, don't lie to me." Callie spoke, Arizona swallowing slowly and clenching her jaw. She contemplated for a moment telling her. Just getting it all off her chest and saying everything that was constantly going around in her head _. I can't sleep. I wake up all the time. I keep having the same nightmare._ But something was stopping her. Something was blocking her from looking at the person she loved and trusted more than anything, and just telling her something. Arizona clenched her jaw once more, swallowed down any wavering thoughts and stood tall. She forced a playful smile back onto her face and walked forward.

"I'm not lying. Now, back to this morning sex business…"

Arizona closed the space between them and captured Callie's lips once more. She knew what she was doing was wrong. She was using sex to stop them from talking, but she didn't care in that moment. She needed a distraction, for both her and Callie. She pressed against Callie with force, guiding her backwards through the bedroom until they crashed down on the bed, Arizona straddling the brunette beneath her. She kissed her hard. It was all teeth and tongue, hands groping and nails scratching. Arizona knew this wasn't them, but she carried on anyway. She nipped at skin, Callie's breath hitching in her ear. She kissed her over and over, squeezing her eyes closed as she worked down her body. She bit at her neck and swarmed with regret when she knew it was most likely painful. She kissed and sucked at her chest, leaving marks. She unravelled her towel and moved towards her breast, kissing all over. But the whole time, Callie was just there. Gently cupping her cheek, or her neck. Sweetly running her fingers and nails through her hair, tickling calmly. Kissing her softly back. She was just _there_ , waiting patiently for Arizona to let her back on the other side of whatever wall she had built. And Arizona knew that, she could feel it.

Arizona's resilience broke for a moment, her head moving up and burying into the crook of Callie's neck. She hovered over her, breathing heavily and trying to stop the sudden urge she had to cry. She could smell Callie's shampoo as she breathed her in. She wanted to collapse down onto her, have Callie's arms wrapped around her for just a moment and be held. But within a second she was pushing herself up and watching as Callie looked at her with a mixture of concern and disappointment.

"Arizona, come on. You're tired all the time but I never see you sleeping. You have constant dark circles under your eyes that are getting worse with each day. You're drinking gallons of coffee just to make it through the day. I just… I don't think you're _fine_ , okay? Why won't you talk to me?"

"Callie…" Arizona whispered, her voice cracking as she hung her head. She listened as Callie moved to get off the bed, walking forward and closing the space between them again. Callie lifted her face and kissed her gently.

"Have you been sleeping since the shooting? How much are you sleeping now? Please, just let me help."

"I really don't want to talk right now." Arizona spoke, her voice steadier than before she grabbed Callie waist and pulled her back into the bathroom. She smirked as she pulled the shirt she was wearing up over her head, sliding her underwear down her legs as she pulled on Callie's towel to make it drop from her body.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm having a shower. With you." Arizona whispered in her ear as she wrapped her arm around Callie's naked body. She moved her hands over the skin of her stomach, scratching her nails against the skin and pretending she couldn't see the marks she had left over her chest with her mouth. As she went to pull Callie forward, she stopped at the resistance.

"Oh no you're not. You're not getting any of that until we talk about this."

"Seriously? You're withholding sex? For how long? Callie, I'm fine." Arizona blurted out, her voice coming out like a petulant child. She crossed her arms and huffed a little, Callie laughing and nodding as she bent and lifted her towel.

"You're official on a sex-ban until you start talking. And if we don't leave in twenty minutes we'll be late for work, and we don't want that since you're been so dedicated to your work recently. So suggest you make that a quick shower, as well as a cold once."

Arizona clenched her jaw to stop her laugh as she watched Callie throw her towel over her shoulder and turn to walk out of the bathroom. Arizona wanted to groan, but instead she turned and stepped into the shower, grumbling to herself as she flicked on the cold water.

/

Arizona held the small baby's head still with one hand as she pressed her stethoscope down on the tiny chest that was struggling to rise and fall. She could hear a small wheeze coming from his mouth, a playful smile appearing on her face as she listened to the lungs of the small body. She moved the stethoscope around for another second, only lifting it from his body when he began to squirm and Arizona knew there was an impending storm of tears if she didn't retreat. She tickled her fingers against his stomach as she lifted his chart, flicking it open and pulled the pen from her breast pocket.

"Look how much better your lungs are doing now? You'll be diving under water in no time. Good job buddy!"

Arizona spoke as she lifted the small hand of the baby and tapped it against her own. She scribbled once more into his chart, setting it back down and taking a moment to fix his small cardigan that had fallen from her movements. She tickled his cheek, smirking down at him as he squirmed around. Arizona looked up and noticed Callie appearing on the Peds floor, stopping at the desk and speaking to the nurse who pointed in her direction a moment later. The smile that washed over Callie's face, which had seemed flustered and distracted before, melted Arizona's heart. The warming sensation in her chest only expanded as she watched Callie letting her hair down from the messy ponytail it had been in, running her hands through it. Arizona wanted to do that. She wanted her. She tapped the baby's stomach one last time to make him wriggle before walking away, pulling off her pink gown and throwing it in the trash. She walked over to Callie, bumping their hips together to get her attention.

"Sorry I took so long to answer your page, I was dealing with Mark. Anyway, what's up?" Callie asked, a helpful smile playing on her lips as she tucked a strand of the blonde's hair behind her ear for her.

"Follow me. What's wrong with Mark?" Arizona asked as she grabbed Callie's hand to pull her with her. She heard Callie let out a low groan as she began to moan about her day, their fingers intertwining and her grip tightening.

"I'm just worried about him, that's all. I'm worried that he's moving too fast, you know? I mean, he _loves_ Lexie so much and I'm concerned that he's going to get hurt because of how fast he's moving. I just want him to slow down a little, you know?"

"Yeah." Arizona hummed absentmindedly, barely having listened to what Callie was saying, but the brunette too engrossed in getting it off her chest that she didn't notice the lack of interest. All Arizona could think about was tearing her clothes off, her naked body, Callie moaning her name. All she wanted was her fingers deep inside of Callie, her tongue against her, the taste of her on her lips.

"And I know that Lexie loves him too, she does, I just don't know if she's where he is relationship-wise. Mark is ready to get down on one knee, and I know that when you love someone time doesn't matter, but Mark rushes everything. Lexie's younger than him. She's _young_ , period. And I just think that she's not ready for that. It's too much, right?"

"Callie?" Arizona spoke as they stopped walking down the corridor, Arizona pulling Callie back by the hand when the brunette continued to wander down the corridor. She was still muttering away about her thought process, barely aware of what was happening as Arizona closed the door of the dark room behind them and spoke Callie's name once more, cutting through her sentence and stopping her.

"Yeah?"

Arizona leaned forward, pausing her lips just inches away from Callie's. She waited for a moment, the eerie silence of the room being broken by Callie's sharp intake of breath. Arizona watched her, taking her face in, before leaning forward and pressing her lips to those in front of her. The small kiss was all it took for Callie to press against her, her mouth parting and allowing Arizona tongue to deepen the kiss. Within moments her hands were running through the blonde's hair frantically, Arizona's pressed against the wooden door on either side of Callie's head. She was caging her in. Arizona pulled back for a moment, but before she could even manage a proper breath of air, Callie was pulling her fiercely back in.

Arizona moved one hand into Callie's hair and pulled the other down her body slowly, making sure to run over her left nipple before stopping at the hem of her scrub shirt. She stroked her fingers against the skin of Callie's hip bone, tickling her nails. Callie pressed forward, rolling her hips against Arizona and making her moan weakly. She focused herself once more, nipping at Callie's lip before sucking on it. Callie's back arched as Arizona moved her hand up under her blue shirt, dragging her nails against her goose bumped skin. She ran her fingertip along the edge of Callie's bra, her lips hovering over her cheek now to allow Callie's some struggled breaths for air. She tickled her nails across her entire stomach, running them over her rising and falling ribs as Callie moaned, whilst pushing her thigh between the other woman's legs to separate them and place pressure where she was wanted most.

Callie dropped her head back against the door when Arizona pushed her thigh into her, Arizona refusing to be distracted by the low whimpers that were coming from Callie's mouth, and instead attaching her lips to her neck. She pressed her lips to her throat, teeth nipping and grazing against her skin as she worked up towards her ear. She took her ear lobe into her mouth, sucking on it hard after a sharp nip that sent Callie to breathlessness for a moment. Arizona moved her thigh more and more, pressed it harder and harder into her. She could feel the heat of Callie against her, begging for more, begging to be touched.

This was what she wanted. She had her exactly where she wanted her. But she needed more.

Arizona needed to touch her, to feel her. She wanted to run her fingers through the heat and wet of Callie to feel her against the tip of fingers and around them. Her hand which had been tickling over her skin moved down with no haste, slipping under the waistband of Callie's scrub pants and running immediately over the dampened underwear. She swallowed the moans of Callie that would have echoed piercingly around the room, kissing her sweetly as she teased her fingers around her underwear. She continued this for a few more moments, loving the sound of Callie begging in her ear, before moving to hand to the top of her underwear and stopping once again. She waited, completely still, until Callie opened her eyes and looked at her with unabashed concern mixed with a hint of pissed off.

"Tell me that you want me to stop." Arizona teased, her voice playful as she tickled her fingers under the waist of her underwear. Callie's moan came out more as a growl, her head falling back against the door as she clenched her jaw for a moment.

"Arizona…"

"Tell me that you want me to stop and I will." Arizona spoke once more, moving her hand once more and slipping it into Callie's underwear. She stroked her fingers over her almost immediately, the blonde struggling to stop herself from doing anymore at the feeling of the wetness that coated her fingers. She caught Callie's lips once more, kissing and taking in her breathy moans that filled the rooms.

"Please." Callie begged softly, Arizona's resilience almost crumbling right then and leaving her in a pool of weakness. She pressed her own thighs tightly together after hearing the moans coming from Callie, biting her lip before moving to kiss down Callie's jawline.

"Tell me that you don't want this, that you're standing strong on this sex-ban, and I'll stop. We'll both walk out of here now and go back to work, pretend nothing happened. Tell me."

"Arizona, please."

"What do you want?" Arizona asked, her face so close to Callie's that every breath and moan that came from her whenever she moved her fingers would hit directly against her mouth. She moved her fingers through her once more, sliding along the length of her and touching every part of her. The moan that rippled from the base of Callie's throat answered Arizona's question for her, but she wanted to hear her say it. She wanted to her Callie break after a four days of defiance and resistance. She wanted to hear Callie beg for it, tell her that she wanted it over and over. She had been thinking about this moment for four whole days, ever since she watched Callie's naked, wet body walk away from her in the bathroom. She moved her fingers against Callie once more and just like that, as simple as that, she got her answer.

"Please, don't stop."

Three small words, that was all it took. That was all it took for every fibre in Arizona to break, her fingers pressing into Callie, pulling out and thrusting back in before the brunette could even manage to breathe. Her hips moved against Arizona's wrist, both of them working together, with Callie saying the same three words over and over. _Please. Don't. Stop_. And as far as Arizona was concerned, she would never stop doing this.

/

Arizona looked to the clock in the corner of her laptop screen. Three-twenty-two in the morning. She sighed and continued typing the essay paper she had been working on the past two hours, her eyes occasionally flicking to look at the cooking programme that was on the tv whenever she stretched forward to grab her glass of water. She stopped for a moment and watched the chef marinate a chicken in a mixture of spices, lip-reading the silent screen to prevent the wakening of Callie in the next room.

Her eyes were burning as she sat there. They felt heavy, weighed down almost, but nothing was happening. She had peeled her body away from Callie nearly three hours ago now, her body refusing to sleep at all. She had considered going for a run, but her tired body just didn't have anything to give. She even thought about heading into work and covering the ER shift for whoever was on tonight, but if Callie found out she was even sneaking in to cover night shifts as well as early mornings, she would never hear the end of it. Arizona sat for a moment, her glazed over eyes barely watching the tv, and thought about Callie for a moment. Why wouldn't she just tell her? If it was the other way around, if Callie was struggling to sleep and felt the same exhaustion she was feeling, she would want to talk to about it. She would want Callie to know that she can come to her with anything, that she'll always help her no matter what it was. They're a team now, she knew that. So why couldn't she speak to her teammate about this?

Arizona didn't need to wait long for the answer to come. She didn't want to hurt her. She didn't want to _worry_ her. She didn't want any drama to cloud this time that's meant to be spent with them just being whole-heatedly in love. She didn't want to look back on these first months of their relationship being back to normal and remember all of the worries that were being spoken between them. She didn't want that dark cloud constantly sat between the two of them for the next few weeks, or even worse, every single conversation becoming a series of question. _How did you sleep last night? How many hours? Did you have the nightmare? How can I help?_ She especially didn't want the last one.

 _How can I help?_

She didn't know how she would even begin to answer that. There wasn't an answer. If this was the other way around, how would she help Callie? She couldn't. She's been to college, to Med School, completed her Internship, Residency, and Fellowship and is now a qualified Attending Paediatric Surgeon. But she wouldn't be able to help Callie if the shoe was on the other foot. She wondered maybe if it was that which bothered her- that if Callie knew she wouldn't be able to help her. Or maybe it was just that she didn't know if anything would help. Maybe things like this can't be forced to change, she just needed time. She would sleep eventually. She had to.

Arizona tapped away at her laptop, continuing her essay and barely aware of the fact that bedroom door which she had left slightly ajar was now opening and a sleepy Callie was padding towards her. Arizona only noticed her when the brunette perched on the edge of the couch next to her. Her heart thumped in her chest for a moment. She felt a deer caught in the headlights. She wondered whether she should lie. _I've only been here for a moment, I just needed to finish something. I'll be back in bed soon._ But Callie would see straight through that- she always saw straight through her. Arizona avoided eye contact with her for a moment. She sat and watched the chicken which was now being removed from the oven, chewing on her lip to stop herself from turning to where Callie was arching an eyebrow.

"I forgot about how much you love waking up at three in the morning to watch cooking shows." Callie teased after a moment, her voice slightly hoarse from recently waking up. Arizona closed her laptop and set it down on the table in front of her, moving back and playing with her fingers in her lap. She felt like a small child being told off, and all of a sudden a wave of emotion waded through her, strong enough for tears to claw up her throat. She swallowed them down, blinked them away, but couldn't stop the threatening burn that sat in her chest.

She looked over to Callie when she heard her shuffling slightly on the couch, pulling her legs up and tucking them underneath her. It surprised Arizona to see Callie wasn't sat staring at her, trying to break her down or interrogate her. Instead she was grabbing the remote and unmuting the tv, watching intently as the chicken which was being sliced. She wasn't forcing her into talking about things, she was waiting. She was just sitting with her. Being with her. Arizona clenched her jaw for a moment, opened her mouth and stopped talking immediately when the first word she spoke was inaudible from the shake her voice. But Callie heard and was now turning on her side, looking at Arizona with the sweetest, softest and most gentle smile she knew she would ever see. Arizona let out a small shaky breath and played with her sleeve for a moment before forcing herself to talk again, speaking through the shake.

"I can't sleep."

"Arizona…" Callie spoke, her voice sounding so sweet that Arizona needed to continue speaking quickly or she knew she would never get it out. She smiled quickly back at Callie, the raising of her cheek causing tears to pool her eyes. She wiped them with her sleeve quickly and shrugged her shoulders, her defensive inner-self trying to pretend like it wasn't a big deal.

"I just- every time I closed my eyes and try, all I can hear is my pulse rushing through my ears and it sounds the exact same as when I was shot. It's so similar that sometimes I can even taste the blood in my mouth, like it's happening all over again, and I just… I just can't sleep."

"Have you been sleeping at all?" Callie asked, moving closer to the blonde on the couch until their legs were touching and Callie's arm was rested on the back of the couch, around Arizona. Arizona didn't know whether she did it deliberately, but the small movement immediately made her feel safer. Arizona shrugged her shoulders again and sniffed as she wiped the small, silent tears that kept falling. She looked to Callie and nearly broke at the look on her face.

"A little. I usually fall asleep but I keep having this nightmare and wake up after about an hour or so, covered in sweat."

"What kind of nightmare?" Callie asked, the arm which was thrown around the back of the couch moving forward to tickle her hand through the back of Arizona's hair which was tied up in a messy bun. She tickled against the skin on her neck, Arizona leaning into the touch as she shook her head and frowned.

"It doesn't matter." She spoke quickly, pushing herself up so fast that Callie's hand dropped onto the couch. She grabbed her glass of water and walked towards the kitchen, the silence of the apartment making Arizona feel suffocated. She turned the tap on and let the water run purely just for a sound, standing there with her back to Callie as she listened to the other woman push up from the couch and walk towards her.

"Arizona, I don't… Why didn't you speak to me about any of this? I could have helped. I thought we were speaking to each other about things that are important. I could have helped you with this, or at least helped you find someone who can help."

"Because you operated on me," Arizona spoke, her voice coming out harsher than she had wanted it as she flicked the tap off and spun round to Callie's shocked face, "Callie, you put your hands inside of me and saved my life, and I-"

"How do you know I operated on you?" Callie broke through, the words tumbling from her mouth. Arizona sighed and leant against the kitchen counter, her hands on either side of her body gripping the marble. She just shrugged her shoulders, watching as Callie frowned in confusion.

"It doesn't matter, what matters is that you saved me. You were incredible. But you don't need to- you shouldn't have to deal with this, after everything you've done for me. I don't want you to worry about me all of the time, it's not fair."

"Arizona, in case you've forgotten, I'm in love you. It's my job to be there for you when you need me. I don't mind worrying about you."

Arizona just nodded slowly, chewing on her lip and swallowing thickly. She stared at the floor, feeling Callie's eyes burning into her. She didn't want to talk about this. This wasn't how she expected this conversation to go, and now she wanted to leave it. _Drop it_. Arizona looked up, Callie's concerned eyes clouded by her frowning confusion. She smiled at her quickly before pushing off the counter and walking over to the tv to turn it off, mumbling as she walked. _Forget about it, let's just go to bed._ She stacked all of the paperwork that had been splayed out around her, hearing Callie behind her. _I want to talk about this. You need to talk about this. Arizona, talk to me._

"I heard you, okay?"

"Heard me when?" Callie asked, recoiling slightly from the way Arizona had just snapped. The blonde sighed and ran her hands through her hair, tucking loose strands of it behind her ear. She chewed on her lip as she dropped down on the edge of the couch, sighing once more and looking over to Callie with a small, sad smile on her face.

"I heard you arguing with Teddy when I was in the ICU. You both thought I was asleep, but I wasn't. I know why you didn't come to see me when I was in the ICU, I heard everything. You said that-"

"Please don't repeat what I said." Callie spoke quickly, lifting her hand to stop her from speaking anymore. Arizona sat in silence for a moment, the only noise in the apartment now coming from the ticking clock that hung on the kitchen wall. She glanced to the window when a siren shot past outside, staring at it for a second before turning back around. She felt like she was right back in the ICU, lay in that bed listening to Teddy and Callie screaming at each other outside. The look on Callie's face right now reminded her of the look of sympathy that Teddy had offered her, but Callie's now was mixed with guilt, regret and embarrassment. Arizona didn't want this. She didn't want to dig up their past at three o'clock in the morning. So she pushed herself back up and offered Callie the best smile she could muster up in that moment.

"You know, it doesn't really matter now. I just don't want… I don't want you to hate me for making you worry anymore. I don't want you to have to deal with me anymore- I don't want to feel like a burden on anyone, especially not you. I can handle this, okay? I'm fine. Now, can we just go back to bed and pretend that none of this happened?"

Arizona finished stacking the papers for a few more seconds, trying to pretend that she wasn't aware of Callie who was still stood frozen in the same spot with the same look of guilt on her face. Arizona grabbed the blanket that had been wrapped around her shoulders and walked around the table, heading for the bedroom. As soon as she was into the room she heard Callie moving once more, Arizona climbing into bed and feeling it cold on her side. She shuffled into the middle more, Callie's side still warm from where had been sleeping only ten minutes ago. Arizona wished she could go back ten minutes. She lay still. Callie climbed in behind her a few seconds later, wrapping the sheets around them. They both lay perfectly still, as though they were afraid to touch each other all of a sudden. It made Arizona want to cry. She felt the thick lump in her throat getting bigger and bigger by the second, so much so that she forced herself to roll over. She turned to see Callie staring right back at her, the tears that were glistening in her eyes clearly visible with the street light that was shining through the window.

"Calliope, please don't. I'm sorry I said that, I didn't mean it. Please, don't cry. I'm so sorry." Arizona whispered, moving her hand up to cup the other woman's cheek and wipe away her tears. She held her face for a moment, kissing her nose quickly and moving to kiss her mouth until Callie pushed her back slightly.

"I was scared, and I was mad, and I missed you so much that it hurt. I hadn't lay with you, like the way we are now, in so long. I had swallowed down everything that I had wanted to do for a whole year, ignoring it, and then suddenly you were bleeding out in front of me and I thought that maybe I would never be with you again. And I didn't know how to deal with that apart from being angry. But I was wrong. I don't hate you for making me worry about you, I love you for doing that. I love you for kissing me in the toilets at Joe's, and for eating pizza and dancing with me. The way my heart is beating right now, that's for you. It doesn't beat right, it doesn't beat the same, when you're not here. I _need_ you, Arizona. More than I've ever needed anyone, and it terrifies me because I'm scared that one day you're going to step in front of gunman again and I'll lose you. So please talk to me. Please tell me every single thought that passes through your beautiful brain because I don't know what I would do without you now. I don't know how to be without you now. I don't know how to keep my heart beating in this way without you, so please speak to me. Please, just, let me help you. Please-"

Arizona pushed herself up onto her elbow so she was looking down at Callie. She watched as the tears that were filling the brunette's eyes now streamed from the side of her eyes, running into her hair as she lay on her back and pleaded up at her with her eyes. Arizona didn't know it was possible to feel the way she was. She didn't know it was possible for her heart to break so uncontrollably, whilst almost feel like it's being put back together. She felt cracked and whole at the same time. And it was all because of Callie. It was all because the woman who was lay underneath, who was pleading for her to just love her, had broken her and fixed her at the same time. She couldn't stop the dorky smile that played on her lips as she peered down at her, Callie frowning in confusion and laughing weakly, causing more tears to escape from her eyes. Arizona caught them and wiped them away, leaning down and pressing her lips to Callie's. She kissed her for as long as she could, before pulling back and smiling at her.

"I, Arizona Robbins, promise that for as long as you, Calliope Torres, say so, you will wake up in this bed next to me. I'll be here, okay? Whether I'm sleeping or not, I'll always be here. I promise."

/

 _Hey! So I know I'm a terrible person who always promises to update more often and the suddenly disappears for months at a time, I apologise for that. I just want to let you know that I am promising to finish this story, no matter how long it takes. I have everything planned out with how it's going to go and I imagine it will be quite a few more chapters. I can't promise how quick the chapters will come, just that they'll come. Thank you to everyone who has read this, to everything who is reading this, and to everyone who will continue to read this until the end. It's very much appreciated. Lots of love._


	13. Up To You

Arizona's body startled at the sound of the toaster popping up, her body which had been frozen still in a daydream shaking and dropping the soapy glass in her hand. She watched as it splashed down into the water, feeling droplets spurt up her forearms. She fidgeted down into the sink, gripping the glass back into her hand and continuing to wash it. She tried to focus and concentrate on what she was doing, both aspects being pulled away by the mixture of sounds around her. The low hum of tv buzzed in her ears, the morning news barely audible over the grinding coming from the coffee machine. It sounded like a chainsaw to Arizona's ears, forcing her to close her eyes for a moment and take a deep breath.

It wasn't until Callie set two mugs down next to the coffee machine that Arizona's snapped her eyes open, her head turning to see Callie staring at her. She had the same smile on her face that she had being wearing for three days. Concern washing all through her eyes, and a clench in her jaw to stop her from saying everything she really wanted to say. Arizona could see it every time she looked at her. She watched as Callie's glance moved to the sink, then to the dishwasher, then up to Arizona. Arizona knew she wanted to say something, watching as Callie tightened her jaw once more and pushed the smile further up.

Arizona finished washing the rest of the dishes that sat from the night before, both of them overcome with a mixture of laziness and tiredness to have cleaned them at the time. As she pulled the plug from the sink, letting the water drain, she turned to see Callie sitting down at the kitchen island with two mugs of coffee and buttered toast. She was tapping away on her phone, most likely replying to emails and checking her schedule for the day, but never failing to look up every few seconds. Arizona didn't miss it. She _couldn't_ miss it. She couldn't not see that fact Callie watched her, all of the time. When they were brushing their teeth before bed, Callie was watching her. When they were eating lunch at work, Callie was watching her. When they were lay in bed at night, Arizona's eyes closed in an attempt to try and sleep, she could feel Callie watching her. It was incessant and never-ending. She would feel eyes burning into her and turn to see Callie watching her, almost working through a mental checklist in her head. Taking in Arizona's bloodshot eyes, dark purples circles and sluggish manner.

Arizona moved to take the seat next to Callie, watching as the plate of toast and a mug of coffee was pushed directly in front of her. She wasn't hungry. Her appetite had faded in the past week or so, making her sometimes spent an entire day at work and only realise on the drive home that she failed to consume anything more than coffee throughout the day. She would sit uncomfortably and force down mouthfuls of whatever Callie had cooked, commenting on how she liked the new recipe, all whilst struggling to swallow the thickness in her throat. She tried to tell herself that she was subtle about it, that she hid it well, but even she struggled to lie to herself that Callie didn't know. She knew the minute she said turned down a donut she had messed up, Callie's frown in that moment always there and now watching whenever food was placed in front of Arizona now. She knew it was concerning, but she told herself the same thing she told herself about the sleep. _It'll fix itself at some point. You'll do it when you need it. You just need some time._

"Maybe you should go and speak to Dr Wyatt," Callie's voice cracked over the sound of the news, Arizona lifting her head from the plate she had been staring at, "Perkins referred the rest of his cases over to her once her left."

"I don't need a therapist." Arizona spoke back softly, swallowing down the yawn that was working its way up her throat and making her eyes water for a moment. Arizona turned back to the toast, lifting a slice and taking a small nibble from the corner, Callie's eyes burning in her the whole time. She didn't even need to look at the other woman to know she would be arching her eyebrow, her head maybe cocked to the side, and staring at Arizona until the blonde broke and admitted she was lying. But Arizona refused, dropping the toast and lifting her coffee instead, deciding to stare at that. Callie waited for a few more seconds before sighing, forcing Arizona to look at her.

"Come on, don't say it like that." She spoke, setting her phone down on the island and turning her body in her stool slightly. Arizona peered over the rim of her coffee, blowing it to cool the temperature before forcing down a scalding sip. She shrugged as she set the mug down, playing with the handle and running her finger around the rim.

"Don't say it like _what_?"

"Like you're not the type of person who needs therapy because you think only a certain type of person goes to therapy." Arizona was thankful for the smile that played on Callie's lips, almost positive that such a serious conversation this early in the morning would lead her on a war path of anger aimed at Interns for the rest of the day.

"I'm not saying it like that. I'm a big believer in therapy, I think its super helpful sometimes. I know so many parents who have said that speaking to someone about everything made them think clearer, and loads of the kids love speaking to someone who isn't their family about things they're scared of. So that's awesome. But it's only helpful for _certain_ people. I'm not the type to sit and speak to someone, who I don't know, about things that are personal. I don't like speaking about things. Therapy just isn't for me."

"There's still lots of people from the shooting who are seeing a therapist, you know?" Callie sighed as she pushed up from her stool, walking around the kitchen island and refilling her mug, offering it to Arizona who shook her head, "Lexie still goes, every other day I think, and Bailey is going. I'm pretty sure that Kepner is living in her shrink's office."

"And that's great for them, but I'm not going. Come on, Calliope, you know me and you know that therapy just isn't something that would work. Can we just let this go, please?" Arizona asked, pushing up and walking around the kitchen island. She dropped her uneaten toast into the trash on the way, Callie's eyes still staring at the trash when Arizona leant across her to set the plate down, pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth before walking away.

She walked into the bedroom and grabbed her bag, shoving articles and files into it. She fluttered around the room collecting things, tidying on her way by collecting clothes that had just been dropped and discarded in random places. She folded some of Callie's clothes, putting them back where they belonged, and dropped some of her own in a messy pile on the chair in the corner of the room. She had finally been told last night that her apartment was free again, ready to be moved back into at any time. She knew that Callie and her needed to talk about what they wanted. Did they want to move in together so soon? Was it even classed as soon when they had spent so long together before, and had still been in love with each other even when they weren't together? Arizona didn't know anything. She didn't know whether she would move in here, or Callie into her apartment, or maybe they would look for something new together. Conversations needed to happen, but the thick air of the room was just clouded by her lack of sleep, stopping anything from else from even being breathed about.

Arizona carried on cleaning the room even when she heard Callie appear at the door, watching out of the corner of her eye as the brunette crossed her arms and leant against the frame. She scooped up a pile of dirty clothes that sat on the floor, turning to drop them into the basket and catching Callie's eyes that were burning into her. She stopped what she was doing for a second, both of them stood staring at each other. Callie's eyes pleading for Arizona to listen to something she didn't want to, Arizona's eyes pleading for Callie to let it go. To forget about it. To pretend that she had never even mentioned it, that nothing was happening, that everything was fine. Arizona broke eye contact first, dropping the clothes into the basket and turning to make the bed.

"Can you do this for me? Please. I know I'm asking something of you and I know what I'm asking is something that you don't want, but, please, do this for me. I know you can't speak to me about this and its driving me insane, but I understand that so I just want-"

"That's not true." Arizona cut through as she lifted off the blanket that was ruffled at the end of the bed, setting it on the floor for a minute and looking over to Callie who was laughing softly, a playful chuckle of disbelief that angered Arizona slightly.

"Come on, Arizona, if you could speak to me about this and have everything fixed you would have poured your heart out the very first night you spent on the couch instead of in bed next to me. And I'm okay with that, I understand it. Sometimes people can't speak about the things that hurt them to the one's they love, so I'm okay with it. But I need you to speak to _someone_. Because it's horrible to see you struggle when I can't do anything but I know someone else might be able to help. Just go and see the damn shrink, okay? Just go to one appointment and see how it goes. For me, please."

"I already spoke to Perkins and he cleared me months ago," Arizona groaned as she tugged at the bedding, Callie stepping forward to help her, "I've seen a therapist already, I don't need to see another one. Whatever this is, whatever is going on, will pass."

Arizona forcefully pulled at the bedding when she became frustrated at its resistance, watching it pull away from Callie's hands but not stopping to apologise. She felt angry for some reason. She knew it was wrong to feel like this; she had no reason to, it wasn't right. But she couldn't stop a small swirl in the pit of her stomach that made anger bubble away. She couldn't ignore the fact that every time she saw Callie watching her she found herself getting irritated, or every time Callie asked her a question she found herself getting defensive for no reason. She told herself over and over to calm down, to think about things before losing her temper. _She's trying to help. She loves you. She's worried. You would do the same thing._ But every time she sat down at lunch and noticed Callie's eyes scanning over, like a mother would with their child or a doctor would with their patient, she felt those voices disappear and be replaced by others. _She doesn't understand. She's making you do things you don't want. She's making this into a big deal when it doesn't need to be._

Arizona finished making the bed, lifting Callie's blanket off the floor and beginning to fold it neatly. She laid it down at the end of the bed, looking over to where Callie was now perched on the edge of the bed, her back to the blonde. Arizona wanted to say something. She wanted to apologise. For the way she was speaking to her, for the way everything had changed the past few days, and for making her worry once more. But as she opened her mouth to speak the loud beep of her pager broke through the room, Callie looking over her shoulder with a sad look as Arizona snatched it off her hip and read it.

"We need to get going or we'll be late." Arizona sighed, grabbing her bag off the floor and throwing it onto her shoulder as she headed for the door. She stopped and groaned when she didn't hear Callie moving behind her, turning around and sighing her name. Her name didn't come out as tired, or playful, or begging. It sounded angry, distant and moody. Arizona knew it. And as she stopped and looked at Callie, who had yet to move from the bed only angering Arizona more, she clenched her mouth shut.

"Are we at least going to finish talking about this first? I think it's important."

"We can't right now, Callie. We need to get going. Stark is already up my ass about everything and the last thing I need is to be late. Can you just… I don't know, can we just drop this for now and maybe pick it up another time? Can you just let it go and trust me that I can handle this? I'm going to handle it."

Arizona tried her best smile, raising both of her eyebrows and trying to look as cheerful as she could manage for that time of the morning, the horrible mood she was in, and the tiredness she was feeling. She watched optimistically as Callie finally moved from the bed, grabbing her jacket and walking out of the room straight past the blonde. It was then that the optimism drained from her, a deep sigh leaving her as she leant against the wall and banged her head against it a couple of time. Callie was now storming around the apartment, collecting things and dropping them into her bag with a sour look on her face. Arizona didn't know whether she wanted to cry or scream, and when she spoke Callie's name it came out more as a bark rather than a sweet mention of her girlfriend's name. Clearly this resonated with Callie, who retaliated by swinging around angrily.

"What?" She snapped, holding her arms out to show she had nothing left to give. Arizona's mouth bobbed up and down as she stared at the woman. Maybe it was because they had spent their first couple of weeks back together living on cloud nine, or maybe it was because she just wasn't used to Callie getting so angry so quick, but Arizona was in no way prepared for the wave of emotion that washed through her as they stood staring at each other across the apartment, a lot of space and silence between them. Her whole body flashed back a few months. Suddenly she was stood in on call rooms arguing again and back in her office having screaming matches. So all she managed was a shake of the head as she pushed off the wall.

"Nothing, forget it." She mumbled as she walked past Callie. She opened the door, letting Callie walk coldly past her and down the hallway, before slamming it closed and locking it. She let out a deep sigh as she heard Callie's heels disappear, turning and following after, wishing more than anything that she just hadn't said anything three nights ago.

/

Arizona lifted the mug that sat beside her and lifted it to her mouth, taking a large and final mouthful of coffee from it. She dropped it back down, leaning back in the chair and taking her eyes off the computer screen in front of her for a moment. She rubbed at her eyes, stretching her arms up and feeling her back crack. As she stretched she peered out of the window in front of her, her eyes falling on Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang who were both stood at the nurse's desk chatting away animatedly about something. She watched as they smile and laughed with each other, cracking jokes and most likely gossiping like their usual selves.

Arizona couldn't help but stop the thought that wandered into her mind; were they doing as bad as her? Were they sleeping at night? Did they taste blood in their mouth, or hear gunshots, or have nightmares? Grey had watched her own husband be shot. She thought he was dead. She lost her baby. And Cristina had a gun put to her head all whilst trying to save someone. They had been through things too, so why did they seem so fine? Why did everyone seem to be doing so much better than her?

She watched them for a minute longer before turning back to the computer, bringing up a new tab and typing in the hospital's name. Just like that, just with a click of a finger, she was brought right back to the day. She scrolled until she was at the beginning. She read headlines from the day it happened and the next morning, clicking on the articles and reading through the little and sometimes wrong information the press had at that point. Arizona couldn't remember ever reading about the shooting. She never watched anything about it on the news, or read anything on the internet, but it was all there. She had tried to tell herself so often that it only happened to those who were in the hospital, and in many ways it did, but in so many ways it also happened to the whole country. Everyone watched it unfold on the news, everyone read about in the papers the next day, and everyone clicked on the links during the minutes off in work. She clicked on more and more articles. Grisly details in each one, lies trickled throughout them to make it more dramatic.

As she clicked on another article, from a week after the shooting, her eyes fell on a list of 18 names. She looked at them slowly. A few nurses, a couple of security guards, a cleaner. Reed Adamson. Charles Percy. And then she saw her name, towards the bottom. _Arizona Robbins_. She scrolled further down the articles when she noticed they had written small sections for each person, their whole life squeezed into seven lines and titled background information. Her throat burnt with a feeling of sickness as she got to her section. She swallowed as she took in her official hospital photo from her name tag that hung from her breast pocket, followed by a list of her past education and medical accomplishments. She wondered who had read this. She couldn't imagine someone sitting down after a long day of work, throwing their feet up, and reading small sections on the eighteen people who had been shot in some random hospital in Seattle. But she knew that someone was. Someone out there knew which school she had gone to. They knew about her training at Hopkins, her fellowship in Seattle and her _eager attitude to teach_. Someone read this, because no matter how hard she tried to deny, there were articles after articles after articles. There were so many, as though she were requested.

She wondered why people cared. Was it because it they felt sorry for them? Did they need to know this small section of information to be able to feel sorry for them? The thought sickened Arizona. She was just a number, so they added seven lines about to make her more than just number 17. Did people read this because it unsettled them, or was it because it settled them? Because they saw it happened somewhere else they maybe thought it wouldn't happen to them, or they thought about it happened to them and wondered what they would do. None of it made sense to Arizona in that moment. All of it was just blurring into one, big, misunderstood paragraph of information that made her want to hit the screen in front of her.

She carried on flicking through all of the different websites until they slowly changed from shooting to a medical breakthrough in the dermatology department. Just like that it was all gone, wiped from the media and gone from memories. But it wasn't gone from hers. As she read about a new deal being signed for a documentary to be made, documenting life in the hospital a couple of months on, she felt sick claw at her throat. She closed everything on the computer, losing everything she had been working on but not caring. She felt like she was shaking in her seat, forcing herself up and telling herself she just needed more coffee. As she walked out passed Grey and Yang she glanced at them, all of them making eye contact for a brief second, but that was all she needed. Because in that small moment she knew; they hadn't forgotten, they hadn't moved on either.

/

Arizona sat chewing on the end of her pen as she watched the tv screen up in the corner of the room, observing Stark removing the small liver of a three year old girl. Her mind was wandering every few seconds. She should be at home right now, eating dinner and drinking wine with Callie. But she wasn't. Instead she was avoiding her and everything that came with her at the minute. She had sent a measly text about being pulled into a late surgery about an hour ago. She peered down at her phone that was in her hand, her pen hanging in her mouth and read through Callie's succinct reply.

 _Okay_.

That was all she answered. Arizona sighed and closed her phone, dropping it back into the pocket of her white coat and looking down to the chart in her hands. It had come to this. She was doing charts at ten o'clock on a Saturday night to avoid going home to her girlfriend and having to tell her that she didn't go and see the damn therapist. She told herself that it was because she didn't want to argue with her, but she knew it was because she didn't want to see the disappointed look in Callie's eyes when she told her. She didn't want to feel the sinking feeling in her stomach that she felt every time she disappointed her.

"Stark's got you charting on a Saturday night?" Arizona looked up from her lap to see Teddy stepping into the OR gallery, walking down the back of seats and flopping down in the one next to the blonde. She kicked her legs up on the back of the seat in front, looking around the empty gallery.

"I'm just finishing off a few more and then I'm going." Arizona commented, grabbing another chart from the pile and swapping it with the one she had just finished after an entire hour, most of it spent daydreaming. They sat in silence for a moment, Teddy watching as Stark handed over a liver to Karev, Arizona scribbling details.

"So I was think maybe we could catch a drink tonight, maybe have a catch up? I feel like I haven't seen you much since you and Callie shacked back up, you may as well have gone to Baltimore."

"Yeah, that sounds good." Arizona mumbled, lifting her head and offering a quick smile before dropping it back down. She felt her phone vibrating in her pocket, her hands snatching it out quicker than she expected. She didn't know what she was hoping it would say. _Please come home. I miss you._ But either way, that's not what her phone was vibrating for, her eyes scanning over an email for a nurse.

"Okay, so I'll see you around three then?" Teddy asked. A silence sat between them for a moment after Arizona hummed in agreement, confusion washing over her a moment later as she frowned and finally looked up from her phone.

"Wait, what?"

"Oh, is that too early for you? Would four in the morning be better for you? I heard that you're awake around that time usually."

"You spoke to Callie." Arizona spoke plainly after the confusion washed away from her. She clenched her jaw for a second before a laugh of disbelief cracked through her tightened lips. She looked back down to the chart to try and refocus herself, feeling Teddy sat uneasily next to her.

"She's worried about you. Don't be mad at her. If anything, I'm mad at you. Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Because there's nothing to tell," Arizona snapped as she closed the chart in her hand a little too forceful and began to collect the others up in her hands, "Callie's worried about nothing and I don't know what to tell her to make her stop worrying because she won't listen to me. She's making _nothing_ into something when she doesn't need to. And I am mad at her, okay? She shouldn't have told you, she had no right to-"

"No right? Arizona, she loves you and she's worried. Come on, you're quirky but you've never been stupid before. And you've never been someone who I thought of as having a temper, but recently that's all you've got."

Arizona opened her mouth to shoot something back but fumbled over empty words, clamping it back closed and pushing herself up. She grabbed the rest of her things, struggling to carry all of the charts in her arms, before storming out of the gallery. She heard Teddy sighing her name, snapping it, and then shouting it loudly when Arizona merely ignored her and carried on down the empty hallway. She heard Teddy's paces coming out of the room a moment later, jogging to catch up.

"Why don't you just go and see the shrink? If things are this bad then surely-"

"Teddy, come on…" Arizona whined as she stopped, Teddy nearly colliding into her with how fast she had been storming down the hallway after her. Arizona had quietened her voice at the sight of a few nurses turning the corner onto the hallway, but clearly Teddy had no qualms about shouting incredibly openly and fuelling the gossip circle.

"No, don't _come on_ me, Arizona. Why wouldn't you tell me about this? I asked you whether you were experiencing any PTSD and you straight up said to my face that you were perfectly fine. You _lied_ to me. And clearly you're lying to yourself as well. I could have helped you if I had known."

"How? By holding me in your arms and rocking me to sleep every night?" Arizona snapped, another laughing coming afterwards that screamed bitterness. Teddy just simply rolled her eyes, instead of barking at Arizona how she thought she was being childish, before Arizona turned and carried on walking down the hallway, Teddy right at her heels this time.

"No smartass, I would have dragged your skinny blonde ass to the therapist weeks ago when all of this started. When did this all start anyway? I was in the army, remember? I know how terrible and horrible PTSD can be. And I know how much of a cranky bitch you are when you're tired and that's what you are right now. This isn't _you_ , Arizona. You know this. Come on, when are you ever this moody or snappy? You're the happiest person I know. You're denying it all but you know this isn't healthy."

"Teddy, I don't want to do this. Why does no one care about that fact?" Arizona snapped, stopping and stepping to the side of the corridor to let the small gaggle of nurses who had been watching walk past. Arizona stopped and clenched her jaw for a second, swallowing down the tears that were threatening her eyes and clouding her vision. "You're pressuring me into something I don't want to do, and I would never do that to you if it was the other way around. I don't want this, okay?"

"So do this for her. Do this for Callie. The woman who kneeled in your blood and pressed her hands against a hole in you that had been made by a bullet. She literally sat and watched the person she loves bleed out. So, stop thinking about what you want for a minute and think that maybe every time she wakes up and you're not in the bed next to her she's reminded once again about the shooting. How that doesn't bother you I'll never know. This is just a side effect of being shot, and it isn't just affecting you anymore. Go and fix it. Swallow your pride, or your fear, or whatever damn thing is stopping you and see the damn shrink."

Arizona's mouth bobbed up and down for a minute, her voice cracking out a few sounds but not forming any words. Her legs felt weak as she dropped and leant back against the wall behind her, a huff coming from her body as the air was knocked from her lungs. She stopped for a second and looked at Teddy. She wanted to ask her whether Callie had mentioned anything like that; whether Callie had spoken to Teddy about how scared she was, or what she was thinking, or how she was in general.

It was only then, as Arizona looked around the mostly empty hallway, that it dawned on her how selfish she had been. How selfish she was being. How the only reason she would need to ask Teddy those things, was because she hadn't asked Callie herself. She hadn't asked whether she was sleeping okay, whether she was having nightmares, whether she was still scared every time she heard a loud noise or bang. The sudden overwhelming realisation of how self-centred she had been, and how loving Callie had still been in spite of that, made her want to cry. The tears that had threatened the back of her eyes before were now pooling them. Teddy's glare had now washed away, a small sad smile on her face as she pulled Arizona forward and wrapped her arms around her. She hugged her as tightly as she could with a stack of charts lodged between the, rubbing her back and squeezing her.

"Just go and talk to the shrink, okay?" Teddy whispered in Arizona's ear as she hugged her. Arizona blinked quickly, feeling a couple of tears run down her face. She nodded against Teddy's shoulder, causing her to pull back and look at her.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, I'll go and make an appointment with her now." Arizona croaked weakly, Teddy's beaming smile filling her entire face almost. Arizona gripped the charts tightly against her chest, feeling it ache from how heavy it felt.

"Thank you."

/

Arizona perched right on the edge of the seat, bouncing her legs up and down to stop herself from getting up and leaving right then and there. She couldn't help herself from staring at the door she had just walked in. Ten small steps and she would be out of the situation that was making her chest feel like someone was balancing a stack of medical books on it. She couldn't help but look at the woman who sat behind the small reception desk, flicking through her computer and barely paying attention to small tornado of panic that was coming from Arizona's corner of the room. Arizona watched her for a moment and wondered what she was doing. Surely this place didn't get that busy, what was she doing? She tore her eyes away when the woman looked over, staring at the artwork on the walls instead. Images of rain forests, oceans and waves covered each wall. Most likely attempting to appear soothing or even naturalistic, but just making Arizona's throat feel even thicker.

Arizona's head shot up when she heard a door, different to the one she had entered through, open. She watched as a nurse, who Arizona faintly recognised from oncology, walked out and made small talk with Wyatt as they headed to the reception desk. Conversation and laughs were passed between them, scribbling of notes and appointments being made for another time next week. Arizona watched as Wyatt lifted another chart from behind the desk, saying goodbye to the oncology nurse before turning and scanning her eyes. It was obvious she was looking for a name. _Her name_. She felt her stomach churn, her legs pushing her up and beginning to force her towards the exit at the same time Wyatt spoke her name. _Dr Robbins, please come in_. Arizona felt like her feet were suddenly glued to the floor. She kept telling herself to keep calm, but the voice in her head was in full swing. _You don't need to be here. You don't need therapy. You're wasting people's time. Just leave._ She stopped herself, forced the best smile she could manage onto her face and wiped her sweaty palms against her scrubs as she headed for the door with a painful smile on her lips.

"Sorry about the wait, I had a last minute walk in come up. You haven't been sat there long, have you?" Dr Wyatt spoke as she closed the door behind them, the sound making Arizona's body flinch before tightening all within a second. She shook her head, her mouth a thin line of tension as she swallowed to clear her throat and hoped her voice would come out as more than a squeak.

"No, not long." She spoke, walking further into the office. She stood in the middle of a small rug, eyeing the chair and the couch that sat either side of her. She knew she needed to sit down. She knew Wyatt was waiting for her to make a move and sit down, but she didn't want to. All she could think about was every scene from a movie she had ever watched with a therapist in it. Her mind was flashing to Good Will Hunting. She was imagining Robin Williams to walk in any second and hit her with some core questions. She thought about the very few classes she had taken in psychology during college, wracking her brain for anything that she had retained. Minimal thoughts returning. She stepped further into the room, continuing so stand long after Wyatt had now stepped passed her and filled the over-sized arm chair.

"Dr Robbins, would you like to sit down so that we can begin?" Wyatt asked after another few moment, Arizona briefly distracted for a moment by the framed photos that hung on the wall. It wasn't until Wyatt spoke her name once more that Arizona's mind forced her body to snap itself back together again. She turned to look at Wyatt and in that moment she saw it; the deep psychoanalysing stare at her. The judging glance. The questioning eyes. It was everything that she didn't want as she stood there she felt her throat closing up, a shaky breath coming from her as she forced her legs to move. She perched on the edge of the couch, running her hands through her hair as a distraction to stop her bolting in that moment. She glanced at the door. She wanted to leave. And right then Arizona decided that she didn't care whether this was where she should be, or whether this was good for her, or whether it was what other people wanted. She wanted to leave. She forced a wide smile onto her face and beamed over to Wyatt, whose face changed in no way.

"Sorry to just show up unannounced like this and take up some of your time, this is just going to be quick. I was wondering whether you could teach me some breathing techniques, or maybe some visual things… Just something for me to show my girlfriend and best friend so they know that I came to see you."

"Why do you need breathing techniques?" Wyatt asked after a few second of painful silence. Arizona frowned at the question. It wasn't what she had expected, nor was it what she wanted. She couldn't shake the thought that Wyatt was being intrusive. _What's it to her? Why should she know? Why does she care?_ She shrugged her shoulders and tore her eyes away to look around the room. She stared at the fish tank and watched the fish move back and forward, only looking back to Wyatt when her name was spoken, once again.

"It's nothing. I just haven't been sleeping great at night recently, just stress from work really, and they're worried so I told them I would pop in to see you and grab some techniques. I guess I can probably just google really, so thanks for-"

"When did this start?" Wyatt cut through, flipping open the file that had sat patiently on her knee since they had entered the room. Arizona felt her mouth bobbing up and down, a strange sense of _oh fuck_ washing through her body. Her eyes were drawn to the file as she thought about what it would say. It felt dizzying to think there was a file of information about her, containing things she had never read. It would have her medical history. Details of her medical care from the shooting. Comments from Perkins. She stared at it, swallowing and forcing herself to speak when she noticed Wyatt was watching her.

"The sleeping thing? Not long. A couple of weeks, I guess."

"Why do you think you haven't been sleeping?" Wyatt asked setting the file back down on her knee, Arizona trying to fight the urge to arch her neck and read whatever was on the open page. She watched Wyatt shuffle further back in the seat and pull her brown cardigan tighter around her as though she was cold, something that baffled Arizona who felt as though she was on fire.

"I don't know. Stress from work, probably. It doesn't matter really."

"You're a surgeon, correct?" Wyatt asked, a small frown pulling at her brows. Arizona couldn't stop her leg that had begun to bounce, the movement happening for a few minutes before she even noticed.

"Yes, Paediatric."

"You're a surgeon who isn't sleeping, clearly enough for people in your life to notice and be concerned, and you don't think it matters why it's happening?" Arizona's frown came on so quick it looked as though someone had dropped weights on her eyebrows. She shook her head slightly, a small laugh rippling up her throat.

"No, I'm not saying that it doesn't matter. I'm just saying that right now it doesn't-"

"Dr Robbins, can you tell me about the day of the shooting?"

Arizona felt her knee stop moving, her foot palming down against the floor that suddenly felt like it was going to give way out from underneath her. She felt all of her blood rush to her head, pumping past her ear and making her stomach curl in on itself. She knew she needed to calm herself, to settle her pulse, but she didn't know how to. The sound it rushing past her ears, pumping the blood through her veins, was already curdling her stomach in a worrying fashion. She closed her eyes for a brief moment and let out a slow, shallow breath. She knew that Wyatt was watching her, taking in her whole reaction and seeing it so clearly written over Arizona's body. She was thankful that when she opened her eyes Wyatt made no comments of it, and instead chose to look back to the file in her lap to give Arizona another moment.

"Excuse me?" Arizona managed to ask a moment later, a weak cough coming from her throat as she attempted to clear it.

"Can you tell me everything that you can remember from the day of the shooting?" Wyatt asked, closing the file and setting it down on the coffee table in front of them. She sank impossibly further into the chair, as though she was preparing herself for a long talk. Arizona didn't know whether it was because it came from nowhere and she wasn't prepared, or whether it was because conversation surrounding the shooting had been so hushed, but she couldn't shake the numbness that was still rushing over all her skin. Wyatt's eyes were burning into her and Arizona felt her body shifting ether one of two ways; joking or defensive. She wasn't surprised when she went for the latter.

"I've already been cleared for surgery. I visited Dr Perkins and-"

"And he cleared you for surgery. Yes, I know. I've read everyone's file, I'm very aware of your situation. You were cleared almost immediately after returning to work, you were one of the quick ones. Your file was handed over to me as a minor case, which I was certainly surprised by upon reading it."

"What's your point?" Arizona asked as she crossed her legs over, shuffling on the edge of the couch and clenching her jaw. The numbness was mixing with the nerves in her stomach, creating a concoction of anger that was bubbling and boiling slowly in the pit of her stomach. She stared back at Wyatt who was just sat watching her patiently, as though she was waiting for her to crack and break down. As though Wyatt knew something that Arizona didn't know.

"I'm just curious as to whether you've had a chance to actually talk about the shooting with someone. Have you ever sat down with someone and spoken about how you remember it? How you're feeling after it?"

"I don't need to."

"How many hours did you sleep last night?" Wyatt asked once more. Her voice wasn't harsh or stern, but it came across with more depth as though she wanted Arizona to clearly hear the point she was trying to make.

"Enough."

"Enough for me not to speak to your Chief about my concern for you to perform your job to your full potential whilst suffering from PTSD?"

"I'm not suffering from…" Arizona cut herself off when she realised her voice had gone from one to a thousand in a few seconds, the words still echoing off the walls as she clenched her jaw and swallowed down her shouts, "I didn't come here for you to sit and analyse me, okay?"

"Then why did you come here?" Wyatt asked, crossing her arms over her chest. Arizona felt like she was sat in front of a teacher and being lectured. She huffed her shoulders about as she ran her hand through her hair, tucking it messily behind her ear.

"Because my girlfriend and friends are-"

"Are worried about you, right? And you felt the need to come and see me just in case one of them came and quizzed me on whether you actually visited me, even though as a doctor you know that I cannot speak about who enters and exits this room and what goes on inside these four walls. So, I'll ask you once more, why did you come here, Dr Robbins?"

"I just… You know, just forget it. Forget I even came," Arizona spoke, pushing herself up from the couch and turning to grab her pager which had dropped off her waist band, "Thanks, I'm sorry for wasting your time."

"The shooting was nearly three months ago now, yet your sleepless nights began a couple of weeks ago. Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know," Arizona sighed as she walked towards the door, turning to throw one last glare at Wyatt as she popped her pager back into her pants, "I was probably just too tired straight after the shooting to really think about things and now that times moved on it just started."

Arizona watched as Wyatt laughed. A very clear, very audible, laugh. She pushed herself up from the chair, dropping her pen loudly down onto the table. She stood and stared at Arizona, making an uncomfortable sensation wash over her body as she stood hovering at the door, her hand on the handle but not moving for some reason. She watched as Wyatt tidied the table for a moment before looking back up when she realised Arizona had made no effort to leave yet.

"Dr Robbins, you didn't come here today because you wanted some meaningless breathing techniques to show your friend or because you wanted to make sure your lie was tight with your girlfriend. You came here because you wanted answers. You want to know why you can't sleep, why everything feels so hard and why everyone from the shooting seems to be doing so much better than you. I can help you find those answers, but until you actually sit down on that couch and stop thinking that I'm the bad guy, I can't do anything for you. So you either walk out of my office now and pray that you sleep a little longer tonight, or you sit with me for a moment while we work out a schedule for you to come and see me on a more weekly basis."

Arizona watched as Wyatt grabbed a book that sat on the floor next to her chair, perching back down and flicking it open. She could see column after column filled with writing as pages were flitted past, Arizona realising a moment later it was her appointment book. She could feel her whole body tingling as she watched Wyatt finish at the last page and lift the pen, scribble a date down before stopping and looking back up to her. Waiting on her. Waiting for her to say something, do something. Arizona was completely frozen as she watched Wyatt shrug her shoulders, a mixture of smug and concern on her face.

"It's up to you, Dr Robbins."


	14. Bullshit

Arizona took a sip of coffee, feeling it burn down her throat as she swallowed and stared out of the window on the far-side of the room. A ripple of thunder could be heard in the distance, dark and murky clouds covering the sky, showing the tell-tale signs of a brewing storm. Arizona listened to another few cracks of thunder before pulling her attention back to the room. It was silent. At first these silences had bothered her. They had suffocated her, forcing her into awkward talks and rambles in an attempt to fill the silence that made her feel like she was under water, but now they felt normal. She had gotten used to them. So used to them that sometimes she didn't even notice they were in complete silence. Sometimes she couldn't remember whether she had been asked a question and she just hadn't answered yet, or whether they were both just taking a moment to pull their thoughts together. All Arizona knew was that the sessions were often dotted with silences, and she was currently in the middle of one.

She looked from the window down to her coffee, running her thumb over the small stain that had dripped from where she had been drinking. She smeared at it in an attempt to remove it, giving up and turning her attention to something else. She turned to watch the fish but her eyes were caught by Wyatt's when she looked up. They were staring right at her, burning into her almost, with a slight squint. Arizona felt like a deer caught in the headlights. All she had been doing was staring out of the window, but she knew she couldn't do that in this room. She knew better than that, and it irritated her that she had been caught out. In this room, _everything_ meant something. To her she was just watching the clouds, to Wyatt she was looking for an escape. Arizona chewed on her lip before offering a smile, Wyatt simply sighing as she shuffled the file that sat on her knee. It was much thicker now that it had been a few weeks ago, added to with multiple sheets of paper that had been scrawled on.

"Dr Robbins, this is you fifth session with me. We have spent nearly five hours talking about things; the day of the shooting, your recovery, your present day life. And do you know how much I really know about any of those things? Nothing. I know absolutely nothing. You may as well have sat in silence for the five hours."

"Well, I'm sorry my descriptive skills are lacking for your imagination." Arizona joked, a small laugh coming from her that drained into thin air when she watched Wyatt sigh once more and throw a familiar look that usually meant she wasn't impressed. Arizona couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes, sipping her coffee once more and scraping her nail against the hospital logo.

"I want you to talk me through the day of the shooting."

"Why? We've already been through this, why do we keep going over the same things? It's pointless," Arizona moaned, trying to keep her voice casual but feeling her mood change so quickly that it was almost as though a gust of wine had swapped it. She felt irritation wash over her body, letting it slump down in the couch as she huffed like a small child.

"Fine. Tell me about the dream you've been having."

"We've spoken about that as well. We dedicated an entire hour to the damn dream, trying to decide whether the person is the shooter, or Callie, or God, or myself. I literally cannot spend another minute over-analysing everything. What's the point?"

"The point is that during that entire hour that we spent talking about what the dream meant, and why you're having it, and who the person is, not once did you offer your own opinion. Not once did you suggest something, or agree with something, or disagree with something."

"Because I don't see the point," Arizona snapped, her voice now showing the irritation and sounding bitter as she pushed herself back up on the couch and leant forward slightly, "I don't see how working out who the person is in my dream is going to help me in any way. It's not going to change the fact that I have it. It's not going to magically stop it."

"Do you think that maybe if you know who it is the dream, it might make more sense? You say the person in your dreams is offering you things that'll save you, but they place them out of reach. So are they testing you, or are they watching you die? Do you not think that maybe if you have answers that things might make more sense, and maybe if they make sense the dream might stop?"

Arizona clenched her jaw and turned to look back to the window. Wyatt's voice have matched hers, sounding equally as agitated. She watched as rain started to splutter against the glass, small drops appearing on the clear surface. Wyatt was staring at her when she turned back, anger washing over her usually calm and passive demeanour, as she stared at Arizona. She was waiting for an answer and Arizona didn't know what to say- she didn't have one to offer. Both women entered into a staring contest, another thing that had become somewhat common over the past five sessions. Arizona, who was usually so stubborn that she won, broke contact first this time. She looked down to her hands for the briefest of moments, sighing as she shrugged her shoulders, before looking back up.

"I don't know. Can we just talk about something else? If I talk about the dream for one minute longer I'm going to scratch my eyes out."

"Okay. Talk me through the day of the shooting." Wyatt spoke smugly as she watched Arizona have to clench her jaw in irritation once more, sitting back in her large arm chair and crossing her arms over her chest.

"Jesus, fine. It was a normal day. I came to work and got on with my job. I had lunch and spent some time with Teddy in the lab. I was meant to be in surgery with Lexie Grey, an appendectomy I think, when it happened. I was on the Peds floor speaking to Callie when the lockdown was called, that's it."

"But that's not _it_. That's not where the day ends, it is?" Wyatt spoke, her voice sounding almost exasperated as she leant forward and dropped Arizona's file onto the table between them, a thud echoing around the room. Arizona swallowed thickly, cautious about Wyatt's forcefulness this session compared to the others, "I asked you to talk me through the day, Dr Robbins. Five times now I've asked you this question, at the start of each session, and every single time you've finished there. You stop as soon as the lockdown begins."

"Well you know what happened after that, everyone does." Arizona mumbled, shrugging her shoulders. Wyatt softened slightly, sitting back in her seat once more and cocking her head to the side.

"Do you not like speaking about the shooting?" Arizona frowned back at her, wondering for a second whether she understood the question. She didn't know what answer Wyatt wanted from her, or even what she expected. Was she supposed to enjoy speaking about it? Did other people who came to her for therapy enjoy speaking about it? Arizona frowned for a moment longer before letting out a weak laugh.

"People _died_ …"

"Dr Robbins, that's not what I'm trying to say, I just meant-"

"Does anyone like speaking about it? It's not exactly something to sit around the campfire and chat about it. It's not a day to celebrate or remember."

"What I meant was, do you become anxious or nervous when speaking about the shooting? Do you think maybe your insomnia may be linked to your reluctance to speak about the day?"

Arizona wanted to laugh at the questions once more. _Did she become anxious or nervous?_ Every time someone even breathed about the shooting she felt her pulse race. She would hear the blood shooting past her ears, sweat forming on her back almost immediately. She would have an overwhelming sense to run, and not just from the conversation, but from the hospital. She didn't want to tell Wyatt how every time someone slammed a door a little too hard she had to fight with her body to stop it from curling into a ball. She didn't want to tell her how every time someone with a gunshot wound came into the ER she had to take a few seconds to close her eyes and tell herself that it wasn't her, that she was okay. That she wasn't bleeding anymore. And she didn't want to tell Wyatt that she still hadn't stepped on the ground where she was shot. That every time she was on the Peds floor she walked the longer route to get the wheelchairs, rather than use that hallway. She had all of these things in her head, all of these anxieties and nerves, but she didn't want to tell Wyatt become she didn't want to hear that all of these things weren't normal. To her they were normal now. And she didn't mind them, in fact, she liked them. She had gotten used to them. And she refused to sit here and listen to Wyatt tell her that her small insecurities that had helped her deal with something, wasn't right.

"I think anyone who speaks about the day gets a little anxious no matter what. But I _have_ spoken about the shooting. I spoke to Perkins in the mandatory session and I'm speaking about it now, aren't I? It's not some dark secret that I've been avoiding, I'm willing to speak about it."

"Do you remember what happened after you were shot?" Wyatt asked after a moment of eyeing Arizona, the blonde shrugging her shoulders and shaking her head. She had picked at the label around her coffee enough to cause a rip, her fingers continuing to fumble with it.

"No, not really. I was unconscious for a short period immediately afterwards. I remember parts once I woke, but it's hazy."

"What parts do you remember?" Wyatt stretched and lifted the file once more, pulling the pen that was tucked behind her ear and looking on eagerly. They hadn't spoken about this yet. This ground haven't been covered, and even though Arizona had been begging to move onto something new, this shot a whole new wave of nerves through her.

"Callie was telling me to stay awake, but I couldn't. I remember the pain and the way the blood tasted in my mouth, but that's about it."

"Do you remember the first thing you thought about after you were shot? What went through your head as soon as you were hit?"

"No, I don't remember." Arizona answered immediately, her brain stopping for a second later to think. It was blank. When she thought about being shot it was like watching a DVD that had been scratched, her memory jumping about and coming out shaky.

"Take a moment to think."

"I can't… I don't know. I remember hitting the floor and I couldn't breathe. I think I tried to speak, or scream, but I couldn't. Yeah, I remember opening my mouth to scream."

"Good, what else? How about what you were thinking, rather than the physical aspects?" Wyatt was now scribbling furiously into her file, her hand jittery as though she hit a pile of therapy gold. Arizona, on the other hand, was wiping her sweaty palms on her thigh and fully ripping the label from her coffee.

"I can't remember anything else, it all went black a few seconds later."

"Close your eyes for a moment, imagine you're back there. Try and think about you could hear, smell and see. Think about what was happening and-"

"I don't remember, okay?" Arizona snapped, Wyatt's mouth hanging limply for a moment before clamping back shut, "I can't magically make myself remember something that's not there. I had just been shot. I was in pain, bleeding out, and scared shitless. Nobody remembers what they were thinking in moments like that."

"I disagree with you there, Dr Robbins. I think in the moment that someone is most terrified and faced with an ultimatum, they think with a certain sense of clarity. And something tells me that whatever you were thinking about in those moment, whatever filled your mind during what you believed to be your last minutes, is what's keeping you awake now. Whatever you thought about is what's haunting you in your sleep and dreams now."

/

Arizona's back ached, her head pounded and her legs felt heavy as she slouched down the corridor to the nearest on call room she could find. She missed her office more than anything on days like this. It had been her haven, her hide-away from residents who wants to moan about their interns, and interns who wanted to beg and barter for surgery opportunities. She hadn't realised just how often she hid in there from the rest of the hospital until she could no longer hide. Every time she went in there now to speak to Stark she would judge his décor, childishly eyeing down the artwork he had hung on the wall where she had placed the paper animals made by children. Her desk, which was always covered in at least three layers of paperwork, was now kept pristinely clean. All of it irritated her more than it should, but on days like this she didn't care. She let it irritate her.

She slumped over to an on call room, swinging the door open and stepping into the darkness a moment later. When she was a resident she loved sleeping in on call rooms. Being the first on the scene, never leaving the hospital, being in the midst of everything constantly. But now, she hated it. She hated the fact that she had a bed, in an apartment, with Callie in it. She hated spending any amount of time away from her, never mind a night. Every time she crawled into an on call room, despite how exhausted she was, she always lay there for at least half an hour feeling an overwhelming sense on loneliness.

Arizona moved to turn the light on but stopped a moment later when she heard a shuffling inside the room, looking up to see a body in the bed in front of her. The dim light coming in from the night outside gave her little to work with, but the small snore that followed a second later cleared everything up. Callie. Arizona couldn't stop the smile that tugged on her lips as she moved and sat on the edge of her bed, the brunette only stirring a little but rolling onto her side and gripping the sheets up in her hands. Arizona kicked her shoes off haphazardly, regretting it when they clattered on the floor. She moved under the sheets after prying them out of Callie's hands, curling into her back and for once loving how small the beds were. She felt her entire body relax under the feeling of being pressed up against Callie. It was another minute or so, and a few kisses to the neck, before Callie stirred from her sleep and dopily looked over her shoulder. A lopsided smile tugged at her lips, a tired groan coming from her as she rolled and buried her head in Arizona's neck almost immediately.

"I haven't seen you all day. I missed you." Callie hummed in a groggy voice that came out muffled from her position. Arizona laughed softly as she kissed her head, loving that even after all this time they still missed each other after twelve hours apart. She prayed that never changed. She ran her fingers through the brunette's hair softly, pressing a long kiss to her forehead.

"I know, I'm sorry. I couldn't even stop for lunch with surgery all day. I had something early this morning and I didn't want to wake you when I was leaving, you looked tired."

"How was it?" Callie asked after a moment of silence, Arizona's body clenching for the briefest of seconds before it was loosened by a kiss to the neck. She both loved and hated how well Callie knew her sometimes. She loved her for just knowing everything, for asking even when she was probably scared to, and for caring so much. And she hated it for the exact same reason. Arizona shuffled down further into the bed, having every intention of just pretending she didn't hear the question, but being forced into an answer when Callie lifted her head from her neck and looked directly at her.

"It was fine."

"Okay." She whispered back softly, her voice laced in sadness. The same sadness Arizona heard every single time she asked about it and every single time she got the same answer in return. Arizona clenched her jaw, forcing a weak smile onto her lips whilst tickling her nails through her hair. They lay for what felt like an hour, but in reality was on a few minutes, in the dark. Arizona held her breath for a second, exhaling heavily and blurting out her sentence before she could stop herself.

"Cal, do you- can I ask you something… about the shooting?"

"Of course." Callie spoke, her voice a whisper and matching Arizona's. Callie pushed herself until she was lay on her elbows, peering down at the nervous blonde whose heart was hammering in her chest and was fidgeting with the sheets as a distraction.

"Do you- was I… I don't remember everything that happened after I was shot," Arizona mumbled weakly, Callie moving one of her hands to clasp over Arizona's, stopping her fidgeting and forcing her to look up, "Wyatt was asking me all these questions today and I couldn't answer them because my memory is patchy for a lot of parts."

"What parts do you remember?" Callie asked softly, Arizona chewing on her lip so hard now she was sure it was going to bleed. She stared at Callie's fingers for a while, trying to ignore the flashing images in the back of her head. _Her lay on the floor, struggling to breathe. The pain. The pool of blood that she could see getting bigger and wider with each minute._ She looked back up to Callie, blinking quickly to get rid of the thoughts.

"I remember waking up after being unconscious, but I don't know how long I was out. You kept telling me over and over to stay awake. And you were yelling at Mostow, right? I remember telling you that I loved you. That part is really clear, it's just everything before that. The time between me being shot and waking up to see you is completely blank."

"Okay, well, I don't know if I can help there really," Callie spoke softly, moving back down so her arms were crossed over Arizona's stomach, her chin resting on them, "I started running as soon as I heard the gunshot but a couple of the parents held me back for a few minutes, they said it was too dangerous. When I got there you were unconscious and were out for another few minutes. Everything I know is everything you remember. What exactly does Wyatt think is important about that time period?"

"I don't know, she thinks whatever I was thinking about in that moment is affecting me now, but I can't remember what it was. It's probably nothing to do with it. You know what shrinks are like, they cling onto any weird theory and make it work."

"You'll remember it one day. Just give it time, okay?" Callie moved so she was lay on her back once more, lifting her arms and offering the space up for Arizona to crawl in to. There it was again; Callie knowing everything. She knew when Arizona just needed to be held. When no words were going to work and the only thing she needed was the weight of someone else's arms wrapped around her. Arizona crawled up to her, burying her head into her neck and breathing in her shampoo.

"Arizona?" Callie whispered after a few moments, her nails scratching through Arizona's hair.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for letting me back in."

/

Arizona stared down at the OR, watching the surgery but at the same time not watching it. Her mind was a million miles away, a common thing to her recently. She could feel her memory flickering about, like a bolt of electricity making its way around her brain; jolting from memory to memory. She had spent the past three days tearing her memory apart, analysing every single little things. She made a note every time she remembered something, no longer trusting her tired head to keep everything together for her. She re-read them every night when she got into bed, after Callie had fallen asleep, and repeated them over and over _. Hearing Callie beg for him for him not to shoot. Stepping in front of her. Watching him as he lowered the gun slightly and spoke to her_. She remembered the hope she had felt in that moment, as though she had persuaded him. As though she had managed to make a connection with him, changed his mind. It made her skin crawl now when she thought about it; that she could be that naïve.

Yesterday she had forced herself to stand in the same place that she lay bleeding out. The floor was now perfectly shined, the same as the rest of the hospital, rather than soaked in her blood. The shelves at the sides were neatly stacked with every single supply needed, rather than scattered frantically across the floor from the way they were chucked in panic. The sun streamed in, reflecting off the happy and child-friendly pictures that hung across the walls. Rainbows. Clouds. Castles. Everything that should make someone smile. But she stood there, in the middle of the corridor, and felt her lungs seize up. She felt her legs go heavy, her chest burn with flames and her mind blur with a lack of oxygen. She couldn't breathe and she knew she needed to leave. But she refused. She cemented her feet the floor, ignoring the fact that she felt like her scar was being ripped open, and told herself she wasn't leaving until she remembered something. She _needed_ to remember something. Because she needed to sleep. She wanted nothing more than to climb into bed with Callie and fall asleep on her shoulder. She wanted to be woken up by Callie in the morning with breakfast, to fall asleep on her knees while watching a film, and to curl up and fall asleep after sneaky sex in an on call room. She wanted all of that back. And she wanted this dark cloud of the unknown to stop hanging over her.

But she didn't remember. Nothing came to her. She stood there, her chest so tight and her scar burning so wild that she felt pain in every nerve of her body. It wasn't until a nurse bumped into her, literally, and informed her that a patient's stats were falling, that Arizona managed to force herself to move. She broke her promise of standing there and remembering, partially because of the patients, but mainly because she knew it wasn't going to happen.

"I knew it wouldn't be long till you were knocked up. Didn't I say it would be soon, Torres?" Arizona was dragged from her thoughts at the sound of Mark's deep voice cracking through the mostly quiet OR gallery. She turned her attention to the conversation which she hadn't been listening to, much like every set of eyes in the gallery, to see Teddy turning a shade of red and hunching down in her chair.

"Jesus, Mark, do you want to shout that any louder?" She barked at him, scooting further down into her chair and using the collar of her lab coat to hide her rouged face slightly. "Anyway, no I'm not pregnant, that's not what we're celebrating. We're celebrating moving the wedding date and we thought it would be nice to have a few drinks with friends, so we're thinking Joe's tonight."

"When have you moved the date to?" Callie asked, Arizona looking up from the research article that was in her lap when she didn't hear Teddy answer straight away. She looked up to see her eyes on her, Teddy looking slightly sheepish before she offered a small smile and answered.

"Next month, actually. We're going to have a Christmas wedding." Teddy answered, peeling her eyes away from the blonde and turning to Callie who was now enthusiastically talking about how much she loved Christmas weddings. Arizona felt the small and expected surge of panic that she had been waiting for, the same surge she had gotten every single time she Teddy and Henry were the topic of conversation. She felt it when Teddy told her that she was marrying Henry for real. She felt it when she went apartment shopping with her. She felt it when she looked at the empty spare bedroom. But this time, for the first time, it disappeared straight away. She didn't know whether it was because she just had too much going on in that moment to care about something else, or whether it was the child-like grin of pure happiness on Teddy's face as she spoke about some of the wedding plans to Callie, but Arizona smile sweetly back at Teddy when she looked at her once more.

"Are you sure this isn't a shotgun wedding? This screams shotgun to me." Mark laughed, his voice lower than before but Teddy still turning to the interns on the back row and eyeing them to see whether they were listening.

"It's definitely not. We were just talking about things the other night and we don't see why we're waiting till next year. We've already been married once, and we want to be married now, so why wait? We don't see the point."

"Yeah, but, didn't you only meet this guy like a year ago? And you've only been engaged for a couple of months…"

"I don't see why that matters." Teddy spoke, her voice trying its best to sound defensive and assertive, but sounding strange from someone who never gets angry. Arizona opened her mouth, jumping to defend her but halting when Mark spoke once more.

"I'm not saying that I think you're making a mistake-"

"It sounds like you're saying that."

"Altman, relax. I'm just saying that sometimes you need time to make sure you're right about someone. Time isn't always a bad thing, I don't see why you're rushing."

"Seriously?" Teddy laughed, her voice now proudly owning the assertiveness she had been looking for before. Arizona and Callie smirked, watching as Mark looked on confused, baffled as though what he had said was fine. "Mark, I've listened to you moan on and on about Lexie Grey for what feels like forever. I listened to you grumble about how much you loved her when you weren't together, and now I've listened to it since you've been back together. Weren't you the man who basically forced his girlfriend into being a grandmother? And don't try and bullshit me, we all know you would have gotten down on one knee and asked Lexie to marry you by now if Callie hadn't convinced you otherwise. That time bullshit that you just tried to pull is just that, alright? It's bullshit."

"Jesus, Altman, I was joking. I'll be at Joe's tonight."

Teddy huffed once, shot a glare at the listening interns, before turning back around in her seat and shuffling down to watch the surgery. A few seconds passed between the friends before Callie and Arizona started laughing softly, Mark's pouting face turning to them and only increasing. They laughed for a moment longer, Arizona loving anything that made her laugh at the moment, before quietening when they Arizona's name being barked and footsteps following after it, walking down into the gallery. All four of them turned around in their seats, Arizona fighting the urge to roll her eyes were she watched Stark stop next to her, eye the surgery for a moment, before turning to her.

"Robbins, I've been looking for you everywhere." He spoke, glancing down the row to the other three friends who were all now pretending to be busy on their phones, Mark and Callie engaging in a detailed talk-through of what Owen was now doing in the OR.

"Sorry, I've just been reading through these articles like you asked me to. There's not many left so I should have one picked for you by tonight."

"Oh, I must have forgotten to tell you that they're pointless now. I already decided on something else this morning. You can forget about those now."

"Oh that's… Great." Arizona mumble, glancing down at the pile of twenty-seven research articles that she had carried around with her all day, having spent the past thirteen hours reading through them. She closed the one that was open on her lap, forcing the best fake smile had onto her face and beaming back up at him.

"Anyway, I was looking for you to let you know that I'm going to be taking over Lucas Milner's case from now on."

"What? Why? He's my patient." Arizona spoke quickly, turning in her seat to face Stark. She could hear that Mark and Callie's fake conversation had now gone quiet. She glanced over her shoulder for a brief moment, eyeing the same interns as Teddy before, before turning back around.

"I'm aware of that, Robbins, hence why I'm informing you that he's now mine." Stark spoke, pulling his phone from his pocket when is beeped. Arizona sat in disbelief for a moment, eyeing him as he chuckled at something he read on this phone. She could feel anger bubbling in the pit of her stomach. She swallowed, letting a long breath out of her nose as she waited for him to drop the phone back into his pocket.

"With all due respect, Lucas had been my patient for the last three years. I've been his doctor since he and his family moved here from Oregon, I know them well. They know me well."

"Again, I am aware of that, Dr Robbins. That's why I'm here to ask you to speak to them for me, let them know I'll be taking over the case from on. You know, the usual stuff, tell them I'm the best care that can be offered."

"Have I done something?"

Arizona asked, her voice much more hushed that Stark. She wished he would match it, but he never did. She knew that every single person in the room was listening. She knew Callie, Mark and Teddy were all sat there. She knew that all of the interns lining the back row were no longer watching Owen remove a pole from someone, but instead watching her be publicly humiliated by Stark. It was something they would gossip about later in the changing rooms. _Did you see Robbins be put in her place by Stark?_ Arizona watched as Stark tapped away on his phone once more, swallowing to clear her throat which felt like it was tightening.

"I just, I don't understand… I have experience when it comes to cases like this. I know what I'm doing, I've had a treatment plan in place for years. The Milner's know all about it. Lucas is shy and he knows me, we know each other, and I just think that it would be better for him if-"

"Experience? You're talking about Wallace Anderson correct?" Arizona felt like a wave of water had hit her, her mouth hanging for a moment before she closed it. She clenched her jaw so tight that she felt it ache at the back. The smug smile on Stark's face made her want to hit something, specifically him. She nodded, shrugging her shoulders weakly.

"Yes, I mean Wallace. He was my patient for over two years until-"

"Until he died, as a result of you performing a surgery which in my opinion was incredibly risky and detrimental to the patient. But I guess you got $25 million out of it, didn't you, Robbins?"

"I think you need to go and fuck-"

"Callie, please don't," Arizona cut through her quickly, turning around to see a fuming Callie sat in her seat and glaring up at Stark. Arizona grabbed her hand quickly, turning back around and squeezing it as she spoke, "Wallace's parents wanted that surgery. The board intervened and asked me to perform that surgery, I made my opinion clear before it. But that has nothing to do with this. I was Wallace's doctor for two whole years before that, I've been Lucas' for three. I know everything about the case, you can't just snatch it away like some surgery-hunting interns."

"Actually, I can," Stark laughed, looking over Arizona at what she presumed must have been Callie, Arizona squeezing her hand softly, "I'm the Head of Peds, remember? I'm your boss and I think that you've offered all you can to this case, it needs fresh eyes. I guess you should have taken that job at Hopkins if you wanted to call the shots."

Arizona just sat there, her mouth firmly clamped together with her jaw clenching. She knew if she opened it she would say something that would lead to her being in the Chief's office and most likely being fired. So instead of telling Stark to go fuck himself like Callie was going to, Arizona just sat there and nodded as Stark turned and walked away. A silence set in the room for a few minutes more, Arizona turning back around in her seat and collecting the articles up off the floor.

"Arizona…" Callie spoke softly to her, Arizona lifting them and holding them against her. She sighed and shrugged her shoulders.

"I better go and speak to Lucas' parents. I'll see you at Joe's tonight."

/

Arizona could hear the fresh snow under feet crunching as she walked across the car park, small trails left in random areas of where people had stepped into the virgin snow and created their paths. She pulled her coat tightly around her, the temperature having dropped considerably in the past week and the first snow falling that day. When she walked out of the hospital to see the ground covered in a sheen of white it reminded of her intern year, when she used to leave the hospital after having spent three whole days indoors and not even know if it was daytime or not until she walked out of the door.

"Dr Robbins." Arizona looked up when she heard her name, following the sound of a car door being closed to see Wyatt. She was opening up the backdoor of her car, lifting her bag out and now turning to speak to the blonde.

"Dr Wyatt." Arizona smiled softly, walking slowly over to her and watching as Wyatt kicking a clump of snow off of the end of her shoe.

"Heading home for night?" Wyatt asked, lifting a stack of files out from her car and shoving them into the bag. Arizona held her coat tightly to her, her arms wrapped around herself as she shook her head before nodding it in the direction of Joe's which could be seen clearly lit up across the road.

"Over to Joe's, actually, my friends are celebrating. They set a wedding date."

"I would advise avoiding alcohol. Adding it to your body won't do anything to improve your sleep."

"I would disagree with you there. Past experience has told me that after a bottle of wine or two, sometimes sleep is the only option." Arizona joked, a weak laugh coming from her mouth as Wyatt arched an eyebrow at her whilst kicking her car door closed.

"As your therapist, I'm still going to say stay away from the drink. As an acquaintance, I understand your point."

"Have a nice night." Arizona smiled softly at her, running her hands through her hair when she realised it was staring to snow again. She felt her hair dampen as her hands melted the snow which had been sat on her head, shaking it like a dog before burying her hands in her pockets and continuing a few more paces away.

"Dr Robbins, have you thought any more about what we were speaking about? I would love to-"

"I haven't remembered anything yet." Arizona cut through her, watching as Wyatt cocked her head to the side as though she didn't believe the blonde. Arizona just shrugged her shoulders, sniffing when she felt her nose beginning to run on the cold.

"Just give it time. It'll come to you."

/

Arizona picked at the nutshells that scattered the bar as she stood and waited, looking over her shoulder when she heard Callie's laugh all the way on the other side of the bar. She loved her laugh. She loved the way the corner of her eyes creased when she laughed, how she threw her head back if she found it especially funny and stretched her throat out. She loved how if Callie found something funny, she let people know. She laughed unashamedly and loud enough for everyone in the bar to know, and Arizona loved that. It made her smile and even if she wanted to, which didn't, she couldn't stop herself from smiling whenever she heard it. Arizona watched her for a moment longer, turning back around when she felt something slide up against her at the bar, turning to see Mark.

"Stark's just being as asshole, you know?" He spoke, waving his hand to catch Joe's attention and watching him as he told them he would be over in a minute. Arizona continued to pick at the nutshells, squashing them under her fingers and watching as they sprinkled on the surface.

"I know." She spoke after a minute, looking up to see Mark peering down at her. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, letting him know it wasn't a big deal even though it was. It drove her insane watching someone else run her department. It made her crazy whenever she saw him, heard him, or watched him do anything. But she couldn't do anything about it and Arizona was tired of worrying over things she couldn't change. So even though it made her blood boil, it wasn't a big deal.

"Don't take it too personal, Robbins, he's just a dude who's feeling his ego get a little bruised by a woman. Everyone still thinks of you as the Head of Peds, everyone still knows you're the best to go to, and it pisses him off, that's all. It's not personal."

"Me being a woman and pissing him off is personal, but thanks anyway." Arizona grabbed another peanut from the bowl and began to shell it, popping the nut into her mouth as she picked at the shell in her hand. She looked over her shoulder when she heard squeals of excitement, Callie, Teddy and Kepner all huddled and giggling excitedly about something wedding related. The beam on Callie's face made Arizona smile, only to feel it drop a second later when Mark spoke.

"I've been to a shrink before, you know."

"What?"

"Four hundred dollars an hour to be told that behind my rugged and confident exterior, I'm really a self-destructive and self-loathing person to a pathological degree."

"That's great, Mark. Good for you." Arizona spoke, swallowing thickly as she leant forward on the sticky bar to see where Joe was. She noticed him at the end, elbow deep in making drinks for a large group of guys at the other end of the bar who were watching the football game. She continued to pick away at the shells, sighing when Mark spoke once more.

"What's your shrink said you are?"

"You know, I forgot what Teddy said she wanted to drink so I'm just going to go and-"

"We both know you would rather stand here and talk about your shrink with me instead of going over there and having to listen to Kepner plan the wedding of the century."

"You know, Mark, I really don't want to talk about it." Arizona sighed, looking up at him. Her eyes were half pleading with I'm to let it go, half glaring at him to move on. She stared at him, watching as he just flashed his grin down at her, holding his arms up defensively.

"Come on, this is us bonding. Remember how nice I was to you when I thought you were leaving for Baltimore?"

"Did Callie ask you to come and speak to me about this?" Arizona asked, turning to look for Callie. She was expecting to see her eyeing them eagerly, trying to work out how the conversation was going, but instead she saw Callie glaring at Kepner who was clearly getting to eager for them.

"No, actually. She threatened to break my clavicle into hundreds of tiny pieces if I even breathed about therapy near you."

"So why are you here?"

"Like I said… because I've been to a shrink before," Mark shrugged his shoulders, dusting up the mess Arizona had made into a smaller pile, "I know how shitty it can make you feel and I wanted you to know that you're not alone. You can talk to me if you want, you're not the only one who feels like this. It made me feel like I was a kid again and there's nothing shittier than that."

"Did little Mark have a rough childhood?" Arizona teased, watching as Mark laughed and moved the peanut bowl away from Arizona's reach to stop her from making the mess. She frowned at him, stretching to get it back and deliberately lifting a few nuts into her hands and cracking them. Both of them turned when they heard Derek shout Mark's name, waving for him to come over.

"Believe it or not, Robbins, but I wasn't quite so popular in school. I didn't really have a friend until I met Derek. Before him it was just a lot of bullying, a lot of being pushed around and running away from bigger kids. I haven't always been this perfect-God-like-genius I am now. Something as perfect as me takes a lot of building time."

"You're an asshole." Arizona shouted after Mark turned away, watching as he just fired his trademark grin over his shoulder and carried on.

Arizona turned back around, pushing herself up against the bar once more to see Joe still serving the drinks to the group of guys at the bottom. She looked down the peanuts when she caught the eyes of one of them, deciding to play with the nut was the best way to avoid him. She stood squashing the pieces under fingers, her mind wandering with Mark's comments. She felt like she was always meeting people who hated their school experience, but she wasn't one of those. She loved high school. She found herself in high school and she realised she loved who she was. She had never experienced any of the things Mark was speaking about, at least not in high school. Did she before that? Yeah, sure. She remembered being bullied when she was younger, just a small kid. But she also remembered she had her brother. He used to be her Superman. She remembers being pushed in the corridor, over and over. It was one of the times they wouldn't stop, they wouldn't leave her alone, and as she asked them politely to stop she remembers seeing her brother swoop in. A scuffle leading to her brother being pulled off the other kids, but her okay in the corner. And then, just like that, Arizona felt the electric jolt in her brain move to a new pathway.

She remembered.

She remembered what she was thinking about after she was shot. It was a memory of her dad picking her up from school after her brother had been in trouble. He had helped her after being bullied and had been kept behind by the headmaster who refused to let them leave before he saw a parent.

Arizona's mind felt like it was clearing and clouding all at the same time. She knew. She remembered. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she felt like she could cry if she wanted to. She had spent days, hour after hour, trying to remember. It had followed her around ever since she left Wyatt's office and now she remembered. But what did it mean? How did this memory mean anything? It was pointless. Stupid. She felt anger washing through her. Because this is what she had always known; she had always thought that shrinks made up bullshit just to fir the situation, and this proved it. This was bullshit and she had been sucked into it. She had believed that it would help her, fix her, but it wouldn't.

It was bullshit.


	15. Remembering

"Wait a minute, what do you mean she's selling the house? Where is she going?"

Arizona could feel herself beginning to sweat as she looked down at the ridiculously expensive bridesmaid dress which was currently pooled at her ankles. She sighed, shoving the phone which was in her hand between her shoulder and ear, tackling the banana that was in her hands. Between wedding planning with Teddy, surgery, and general lack of sleep, Arizona felt like her body was caving in on her. Every time she looked in the mirror she noticed another breakout in her skin, feeling like a sixteen year old all over again. She took a bite of the banana, dropped it down onto the seat, before bending and struggling to shimmy the dress up her body with one hand. She snapped Nick's name down the phone when he wasn't answering quick enough for her short patience, hearing him laugh against the background noise of traffic.

"She's moving to Key West. Sometime in the New Year, I think. She's got a place down there and everything's sorted."

"My mom is moving to Key West? When did she make this decision?" Arizona asked as she tugged at her hair which was pulled messily up into a bun. She could hear Teddy calling her name on the other side of the small curtain that was separating them, questioning why she was taking so long. Arizona practically barked that she needed another minute before refocusing back on the phone.

"I don't know how long she's been thinking about it, but she told me a week ago. Her and your dad used to vacation down there or something? I don't really know, all I know is that she's selling the house and moving."

"And she's going to sell the house, just like that?" Arizona asked, looking in the mirror as she struggled with the zip on the side of the dress. She could see her flushed cheeks in the mirror, the polar opposite of her pale face. All she wanted to do was go home and crawl into bed with Callie. She wanted to ignore work, ignore Teddy's wedding and ignore the fact that her mother was now apparently selling the only house that Arizona had ever called home, despite that being years ago now. She just wanted Callie's arms, because they fixed everything, but they were currently elbow deep and touching someone's spine.

"Well, it's hardly _just like that_. She has no use for it anymore. Most of the rooms are empty now and it's too big for her. She's rattling around in it and she doesn't want to anymore… Phoenix, what are you doing? I can hear Teddy wailing for you in the background."

"I'm trying on stupid bridesmaids dresses for her stupid wedding. Listen, I need to go. Thanks for ringing and letting me know."

"Wait, that's not the only reason I called. I rang to let you know that you need to come home and help pack everything up."

Arizona couldn't stop the snort that she let out, a brief laugh of disbelief coming from her. She chuckled a moment longer, turning to open the curtain and stepping out to see a very fanatic Teddy hovering around a very pissed-off-looking Bailey. Arizona trudged forward to the small podium she needed to stand on, hopping up and offering a glare Teddy's way when she began to gush about how beautiful they both looked.

"Listen, Nick, I'm obviously not going to do that."

"What about all of the crap that's still in your room? It's just sat here, collecting dust."

"They didn't get rid of everything?" Arizona mumbled, more to herself than to Nick, as she watched a man approach her with multiple pins and needles between his teeth, "I don't know then, just shop anything to me that looks important and get rid of the rest. I don't really care anymore, I haven't seen any of it in years."

"No."

"What?" Arizona asked, watching as the man shot her a glare when she clearly moved too much at the tickling he had caused against her ankles. She suffered through for a moment longer before moving her foot away, gesturing to him that she needed a minute. Arizona tried to focus on the phone to her ear rather than the sound of Bailey refusing to wear the dress that had been picked, Teddy heading firmly towards a bridezilla meltdown in the middle of the dress store.

"I said no, Phoenix. You're getting your ass on a plane and you're coming home to help me and your mom pack up your childhood home. I don't care if you don't want to, you're coming."

"Nick, I have work," Arizona offered as she glared at the man when she tried to re-approach, obviously not able to read the anger across the blonde's face, "I can't just come home for a whole weekend. Who do you think covers for me? People will die- little kids will die- and how will you feel-"

"Don't even try." Nick spoke down the phone. Arizona sighed, running her fingers through her messy hair that was pulled up, only making it look even more insane. She looked over to the clock on the wall. They had been in the store over two hours now. Callie would be out of surgery. She waved at the hovering man to come back over and continue fitting her dress, nothing motivating her quite like the thought of Callie being in bed right now.

"Nick, I really don't want-"

"Come on. Your whole life you wanted your dad to just _try_ , that's all. You wanted him to put a little more effort in with you, if any at all, and actually just give a shit. Why are you now throwing it back in your mom's face when she's doing that? She wants you to come. Bring Callie with you if you want, she won't care, just come."

Arizona let out a big long sigh, ignoring the look that the fitter shot up at her. She messed with her hair, tugging at it in the place it was irritating her. She huffed and puffed a bit longer, feeling like a small child. But she didn't care. She wanted to sulk. She had promised herself she would never go back there- she would never put herself in a place she wasn't wanted. But her dad wasn't there anymore, and that confused. When she had promised herself never to go back, she meant the house, but now she felt like maybe she just meant him. Nick wanted her there. Her mom wanted her there. And she would bring Callie. She could do anything with Callie next to her. So she hugged once more before answering.

"Fine, whatever, I'll come."

She didn't give time for Nick to make a smug comment, mumbling that she needed to go before hanging up. She barely had time to think before the fitter was mumbling that he needed her to raise her arms, Arizona shooting him a glare before following what he said. She turned to look over at Bailey, copying her movements with a face like thunder and Teddy beaming between the both of them. Her hands were clasped together and Arizona swore she could see a gleam of tears across her eyes.

"You both look fabulous."

/

At the sound of the door closing behind her Arizona closed her eyes, leaning back against the cool wood and letting out a long, shallow breath. She didn't know why she was stood there, or why she hadn't moved, all she knew is she wanted another few second. She wanted a few more minutes to just lean against the door. To forget about the day. To take a second to breathe. She opened her eyes after another minute, looking around the dark apartment which was only being lit by the streetlights streaming in through the windows. She pushed off the door, dropping her bag down onto the couch while looking over to the kitchen.

She couldn't stop the smile that spread on her face when she noticed the plate, cutlery and wine glass that were nearly laid out at the kitchen island. She walked out, lifting the small note that sat on the plate. There's chilli for you in the fridge. I love you. The smile on her face felt like it was going to hurt if it widened any further, but she didn't care. She wanted this forever. She needed this forever. So instead of heading to the fridge, Arizona dropped the note and walked towards the bedroom. She tiptoed as quietly as she could around the bed, having learnt by now that there was nothing worse than waking a sleeping Callie. She stood on her side, pulling the clothes from her body and beaming when she noticed a cuddled-up-Callie was in her Hopkins shirts. Arizona threw on an old Seattle Grace shirt that she found balled on the floor, before slowing peeling the sheets from Callie's tight grip.

"You're back." She heard Callie mumble a moment later, the brunette's weight becoming less heavy as she pushed herself up barely enough for crawl up Arizona's body and bury her face in her neck. Arizona sighed softly at the feeling of Callie's warm breath against her pulse, positive that it would send her to sleep within minutes.

"I missed you." Arizona whispered back, pressed her lips against Callie's head and breathing in the smell of her shampoo and the hospital. She smelt like an OR. Clean. The blonde ran her fingers through the brunette's hair, her stomach muscle clenching as Callie manoeuvred her hand up under her shirt and tickled across her stomach.

"How was your day?" Arizona knew what Callie meant. It was the routine now. Callie would ask how Arizona's day was, Arizona would answer that it was fine, and then Callie would ask whether she did anything fun. The second question was really asking how her day was, the first was asking how her session with Wyatt went. It was the routine. Neither of them mentioned the fact that they were both clearly asking and answering about it, but it still continued every day.

"It was okay." Arizona whispered into the dark room, feeling Callie shuffle impossibly closer around her. Arizona clenched, waiting. She was waiting for Callie to now ask whether she did anything fun. She was waiting for Callie to accept her answer and move on, but for some reason the time felt like it was crawling by. Maybe it was because Arizona was holding her breath, or maybe it was because Callie could clearly hear the way her heart was thumping in her chest.

"Did you do anything fun?"

"Not really," Arizona breathed a moment later, Callie resuming with her nails tickling over her skin, "Teddy is still being all crazy about the wedding. I don't know why she picked to have it next month if she was panicked about the lack of time to organise everything."

"She'll calm eventually, once all the big parts are sorted." Callie hummed, taking her hand out from under Arizona's shirt and grabbing a fistful of it instead. It always made Arizona smile whenever she did it. It made the brunette look like a small child, gripping for something to be closer to her. Holding onto something to make her feel better. The blonde kissed her head once more, just because she wanted to.

"Nick called me. My mom's selling the house. He wants me to come home and help pack everything up before she leaves."

"Oh," was all Callie offered, moving a moment later. She rolled partially away from the blonde, onto her stomach and propping herself up on her elbows. She was now looking down on the blonde slightly, Arizona shuffling further down into the bed and playing with the sheets between her fingers.

"Yeah. I told him that I would."

"Oh," Callie spoke once more, her eyes tracing over the blonde's face. Arizona could practically see her brain working. She could see every little nerve trying to work her out. Callie trying to work out whether this was what Arizona wanted. Whether she was mad about the offer, annoyed, or sad.

"I was thinking maybe you could come with me," Arizona spoke, her voice coming out shy and feeble as she continued to stare down at the sheet wrapped around her fingers rather than the perfect eyes looking at her, "I know I should really be taking time off with Stark up my ass, and I know you're really busy with work at the minute so I totally understand if you can't. It was just a thought so don't feel like you have-"

"You're such an idiot sometimes," Callie laughed softly, leaning forward to catch the blonde's lips before she had a chance to say anything. She kissed her for a moment, pulling back slowly. Arizona peered up at her, a shy and dorky smile tugging at her lips.

"So you'll come?"

"If you're going, I'm going."

/

"When you didn't show up for your appointment two days ago I gave you the benefit of the doubt…"

It took Arizona a few seconds before she realised the voice that had spoken over their table hadn't been answered, and then it took her another few seconds to finally look up. She peeled her eyes off the research paper that was spread across the tray in front of her, looking up to see Wyatt stood on the other side of the table, hovering an uncomfortable-looking Mark's shoulder. Arizona eyed him for a moment, watching as his discomfort changed to amusement within a second, a cheeky grin appearing on his face. She considered looking to her right to see the faces of the other two people at the table, but she knew nothing good would come of seeing Callie's disappointed face in that moment. So instead she swallowed the piece of salad that felt like it had been stuck in her throat, feeling it slide down, before offering Wyatt a weak smile.

"I gave you the benefit of the doubt, Dr Robbins, because I know how busy you surgeons can be. Busy little bees, always cutting into people. But when you didn't show again today I took the liberty of checking the board to see if you were busy chopping away, I also asked around to see whether you had been slicing and dicing two days ago. Imagine my surprise when your name didn't appear. So, care to explain to me why you're say here instead of being sat on the couch in my office talking about how you're sleeping for less than three hours a night?"

"Wow, teacher's pet is in trouble. I didn't know you had this rebellious streak to you, Robbins, I like it." Mark laughed, Wyatt finally peeling her eyes off Arizona for the briefest of moment to glare at him. It gave Arizona a moment to think- to breathe. She considered lying. Saying she had been caught up with patient's parents. Saying Stark was making her work. Saying anything. But she wasn't a good liar, and chances were Wyatt would see straight through her. She could feel Callie's presence next to her. A human guilt-trip.

"Listen, Dr Wyatt, thank you for everything, honestly, but I don't feel like I need to go to the sessions anymore. I'm sleeping much more now, and for longer periods. So I'm good, I'm fine now."

"Arizona…" Callie spoke. And there it was. The human-shaped-brick-heavy-wall-of-guilt. It smashed right into the blonde, making her feel like she was going to bring her mouthful of salad right back up. She couldn't look at her. The feeble lie to Wyatt didn't feel bad, until Callie spoke. Nothing felt bad, until Arizona remembered Callie. When she sat up at night, working in the kitchen, she didn't care. Until she heard the soft sound of snoring that Callie refused to admit she did. Then she remembered this wasn't just about her anymore. Nothing in life was just about her anymore. She had ran out of an airport and chose Callie, chose them together, and that meant she needed to stick to it. What hurt her, hurt Callie. What happened to her, happened to Callie. So when she lied, she didn't care, but Callie did. And that hurt a hell of a lot more.

"Its fine, Dr Torres, I don't need you to tell me that Dr Robbins is lying. The dark purple circles under her eyes do that for me. You're not sleeping, so I think you do need these sessions. So if you won't come to me, I'll come to you. Are you ready to begin?"

Arizona felt like her brain wasn't registering things quick enough. It took another couple of second before she realised that Wyatt was grabbing a chair from another table and pulling it comfortably up to the their table, parking herself next to Mark. Even he now looked uncomfortable, his eyes flickering to Teddy who only stared at the whole situation unravelling. Arizona watched as Wyatt lifted a hefty sized file from her bag, her name clearly printed on the top, and dropped it down onto the table with a thud big enough for shake the water in their cups. Arizona's eyes were moving everywhere. Wyatt. The file. Mark and Teddy. Wyatt. She looked everywhere but to Callie. She felt a strange mix of emotions washing about in the pit of her stomach. Scared. Nervous. Cock. But more than anything; angry. She waited another second until Wyatt went to open the file, Arizona's hand moving to force it closed.

"I said I'm done."

"No, you're not done. You're nowhere near done. So, Dr Robbins, have you remembered yet what the first thing was that you thought about after being shot?"

"No, I already told you, I don't remember," Arizona lied, her attention being pulled by Teddy who was whispering to Mark for them to leave, the two entering into a bicker about his pizza. "Listen, my sleeping isn't amazing but it's getting better. It'll be fine eventually, or I'll just get used to it. But I don't need you anymore, I'm-"

"Neither of those two are options. The memory is there, Dr Robbins, we just need it to surface. If we fine something that sparks it, you'll remember. Perhaps your friends can help?"

Arizona followed Wyatt's eyes, taking in the sight of Teddy clambering out of her chair, halfway between stood up and sat down. Mark's pizza slice was hanging out of his mouth, his hands gripping at his tray as he was about to stand out. They both looked between each other, their eyes like deer caught in headlights, before muttering sentences over each other _. I don't know what she was thinking. I wasn't with her. Where you with her? I was bust. You know, saving people. I can't help._ Arizona groaned, holding her face in her hands for a moment before letting out a long breath to calm herself.

"Please hear me when I sat this. Thank you, Dr Wyatt, but no thank you. I'm done, with all of this. I'm not asking you to let me be done, I'm telling you that I am. I'm done trying to work out something that doesn't need to be worked out. There is _nothing_ to work out."

"Okay, well during the time in which we were meant to be having your sessions, I was thinking about some things. And I've come to the conclusion that maybe the reason we're not getting anywhere is because we're talking about the wrong time period. We've been focusing on the day of the shooting and what's happened since that, but we haven't spoken about your past."

"My past?" Arizona asked, frowning in confusion at Wyatt for a moment. She felt herself being sucked back into the conversation, similar to Teddy and Mark who were now re-taking their seats.

"I want to talk about your family. Your dad was a colonel in the marines, correct? And he died here a few-"

"No, we're done here." Arizona snapped, pushing her chair back from the table. She didn't know whether it was her quick movements, or just the pure anger that was swarming in her voice, but for the first time Wyatt clamped her mouth closed and looked startled. She didn't speak as Arizona snatched the research papers from the table, ignoring the way both Mark and Teddy stared at her. It was only then, just as she was about to leave that she finally looked down at Callie. Her eyes were looking up at her, but they didn't look the way Mark or Teddy's did. They were entertained, intrigued and glued to the tv. Callie's were scared. Pure and simple; scared. Arizona swallowed thickly, turning and walking away from the table as she felt her blood soaring through her veins. She didn't care that everyone in the canteen turned and looked at her when both Callie and Wyatt called her name at the same time, she ignored everyone, including them.

/

Arizona ripped the scrub cap from her head, letting it hang by her side in her hand. She didn't know how long she had been stood there, but when she looked through the window in front of her she took in the sight of the OR being cleaned. She watched as people mopped away the blood on the floor, bagged the red-soaked towels and wiped the bed. The memory of the small child who had just been on that bed was vibrating in her head, making her feel sick. She pushed off the sink, heading for the attending's lounge. She wanted to go home. She didn't care that it wasn't time yet. She didn't care what Stark would say.

She stomped her way along the corridor, pushing the door opening and offering a weak smile to Teddy and Bailey who were sat at the table discussing a case. She knew that Teddy's eyes were lingering on her a bit longer than they should have as she walked over to the couch, ignoring them as she flopped down face first. Her eyes felt heavy as she lay there, flickering closed after a moment. _Just one minute_ , she told herself. She didn't know how many minutes did eventually pass, all she knew was that it wasn't many before she was hearing the flush of the toilet, follows by the door opening. Arizona moved her head to the side, peeing on eye open and groaning loudly into the pillows at the sight of Wyatt stepping out of the bathroom.

"Ah, Dr Robbins, I've been waiting for you. Ready to talk yet?"

"Go away. Right now. Please, just go away." Arizona spoke, rolling so her back was now to Wyatt. She pressed herself as far into the pillows as she could, hoping they would curl around in some way and just suck her in.

"Arizona, I just want-"

"Don't. You don't get to _Arizona_ me, okay?" Arizona snapped, her body moving with pace as she not only rolled over to glare at Wyatt, but pushed herself until she was sitting up. "You're not Callie. I'm Dr Robbins to you. Do you not have any other patients that you can bother and annoy, maybe ones that actually need you?"

"I think you need me." Wyatt spoke as she moved to sit down on the arm of the chair that was across from the blonde. Arizona snorted, running her hand through her hair as she glanced over to Teddy and Bailey. Both were pretending to be deeply interested in whatever text book they were sharing, but Arizona knew their attention was one hundred percent on the conversation happening on the other side of the room.

"I think I really don't."

"Why's that?"

"Because not everything has a reason, okay? Sometimes things just happen. Nothing everything has an answer, or a meaning. Maybe what's going on with me doesn't specifically mean something." Arizona mumbled, shrugging her shoulders which felt achy from the hours spent hunched over an OR table. She felt like she needed a long, hot bath. She could feel herself becoming angry again, scarily kicking in almost immediately, like a light switch. She told herself she was angry at Wyatt. That she was annoyed about how she badgered her, how she did things in front of people, how she wouldn't believe her. But Arizona knew that deep down, underneath the lies she sold to herself, she knew she was just angry at herself.

She sat there for a moment, feeling Wyatt's eyes burning into her. The other woman watched her for so long that Arizona felt a whole new levels of uncomfortable, as though she was under a magnifying glass. Arizona scooped a pillow up onto her lap, picking at the loose strands of thread from the edge to distract herself from the burning gaze. It wasn't for another minute till Wyatt spoke, her voice coming across with such clarity and clearness it made Arizona's throat clench and her heart thump.

"You remembered, didn't you?"

"Yeah." Arizona commented, at first weakly, until she told herself she needed to be better. She needed to stick to her guns, that it didn't mean anything. So she held her head high, meeting with the eyes of all three people in the room before confidently nodding.

"What did you think about?"

"I thought about a memory from my childhood. My dad was praising my brother for stopping some kids from picking on me at school. That's it. How does that have any meaning, or symbolism, or whatever it is that you thought remembering would do? It doesn't."

"I think it does." Wyatt spoke simply, her hands clamped together on her lap, reminding Arizona of her teachers in school when they would wait patiently for an answer. Arizona stared at her for a moment, her angry rippling up her throat in the form of a laugh.

"Jesus, you're insufferable. You know, when people used to mock shrinks about how pointless and full of bullshit they were, I defended them. But now? Now I fully understand because you're-"

"Do you remember the last thing you said to your father before he died? Or the last memory you have of him?"

Arizona's mouth bobbed up and down for a moment, her brain telling her to continue with what she had been saying and just ignore Wyatt, but the words were gone. They had been washed from her mouth, like soap removing pen. She clenched her jaw closed and stared at the woman across the table from her, trying to ignore the intrigued smile on her face. Arizona let a long breath out of her nose as she glanced down at the pillows for a moment, her eyes blurring with the memory of her dad. The familiar sharp stabbing pain could not only be felt in her ribs, but burning along the scar on her stomach. _I wish every single day that you hadn't been my father._ She swallowed thickly, looking over to Bailey when she heard her voice cracking through the room from the other side.

"We can leave if you want us to? Give you two a moment." Arizona watched as Bailey and Teddy sheepishly began to stack their books within even hearing the answer.

"No, don't bother, I'm leaving." Arizona spoke, grabbing her stethoscope that had fallen from her neck when lying down. She swung it back around herself as she pushed up, ignoring Wyatt's sigh as she headed for the door. She made it all the way to the door, even managing to swing it open, before Wyatt spoke once more.

"Have you ever considered that maybe the reason you can't sleep isn't because you were shot, but more to do with how willingly you stood in front of that gun?"

"Excuse me?" Arizona snapped, her body turning to look at Wyatt to quickly that her hand dropped the door, feeling it hit against her shoulder. Half of her body was already out of the door, leading to half of her brain screaming at her to just let it go; to walk on. _Don't be so easy, this is what she wants. She's baiting you._ But another half of Arizona, a stronger half, was ready to storm back across the room and shove Wyatt over and over. Arizona couldn't stop her mind from flashing to the nearest through, and that just so happened to centre on Callie and Perkins. _Arizona stood in front of a man and said shoot me. And you've just cleared her surgery like that never happened._ Her jaw clenched as she watched Wyatt arch an eyebrow, impressed at her evident breakthrough in the blonde's attention.

"It's a simple question, Dr Robbins. When you willingly stepped in front of a man with a gun and told him to shoot you, did you want to die?"

" _Willingly_?" Arizona breathed, barely loud enough for anyone to hear. She felt breathless for a moment, her head shaking as she looked away. She stared at the wall, pushing down the swarming bubble of anger in her throat. "You weren't there, you didn't see what happened, and the last time I checked nobody knows what I'm thinking inside of my head apart from me."

"Would you do again, if someone walked into the hospital right now and pointed a gun at Callie? Even after everything you've been through. The pain, the recovery, having to deal with this aftermath all of these months later."

"Of course I would." Arizona answered immediately, her mouth moving before her brain even needed to work. She hated the way Wyatt widened her eyes, looking at her in disbelief. As though what she had said was out of this world.

"And you don't think that's just a little crazy?"

"No, I don't think that's crazy. I also don't think that someone in your position should be throwing the word crazy about. I didn't want to die, okay? Why would I… I didn't _want_ to die."

"Then I don't understand. What did you want? What did you father say in this memory?" Wyatt asked, moving from the chair and walking so she was closed. She stopped just behind Teddy at the table, as though she oblivious of the other two women even being in the room. Arizona wanted to just leave and ignore it all. Go home and pour a glass of wine. But her feet wouldn't move. She was in too deep now; she was committed to this shit now.

"It was just some random memory. It was just my dad being my usual dad, preaching about honour and protection. He spent his whole life talking about that crap. And I didn't want anything, okay? I didn't want to die, I didn't want to be a hero, I just wanted Callie to be okay. I wasn't really thinking."

"That's it."

"What?" Arizona asked, her brow furrowing as she watched Wyatt's smile broaden. Arizona's eyes caught on Teddy for a moment, her friend completely entranced in the drama that was unravelling. Her eyes were darting back and forth between the two, as though she was watching a tennis match.

"Your father was a man of honour. He raised you to protect the things you love, correct? And you relationship was strained when he felt that you didn't do that- that you abandoned your responsibilities to not only your family, but to your brother. He felt you turned your back on them…"

"How do you know all of this?" Arizona's voice sounding hoarse, a weak whisper forming her words now compared to the stern and clear one from before. Her legs suddenly felt weak at the same time, her mind spinning as she stood on the spot but felt like she was saying. Arizona's eyes felt like they were blurring, watching as Wyatt moved further around the table.

"You didn't want to die. And you didn't want attention, or admiration… You wanted acceptance. The person in your dreams. It's your father. He's not watching you die, he's testing you. All of this, _everything_ , it's about him. He was the first thing you thought about because you did this for him. You wanted his love, his acceptance- you wanted to make him proud by doing the things he preached his entire life. You protected Callie. You stood in front of a gun, saved her, and wondered whether you had earned his respect finally."

"How do you know all of this? How do you know about my dad?" Arizona spoke once more, her voice still cracking, but slightly stronger this time. She felt like she had been hit by a car. Blindsided completely. Her whole mind was spinning out of control, but at the same time it was spinning to somewhere. It was going somewhere with a spot. Her words were making sense.

"But he's dead. He's dead and he can't give you what you want, so now you can't sleep. You spend every night wondering what would happen if he was alive. Would this change things? Was this what he wanted? Are you good enough for him now? You want to know whether this prove him wrong. Whether what you did would show that you are brave. So now you can't sleep every night because you had this huge hole inside of you that you need to be filled, but it's never going to be. Because he's not here to answer you."

Arizona felt numb as she stood there. Her mind was spinning everywhere. She wanted to tell Wyatt that she was wrong. That she couldn't psychoanalyse her and pull some bullshit out of nowhere. But she was couldn't. Because all she could think was she was right. About everything. Arizona's chest already felt lighter at the realisation, her shoulders slumping like they hadn't in months. She swallowed thickly, her throat feeling thick with tears. They filled her eyes within moments, Arizona attempting to blink them away but only managing to force them down her cheeks.

"We protect the things we love. That's what he said, all the time. We protect the things we love and that's just what we do, no questions asked. I didn't step in front of the run originally because of that, I just wanted it to be pointing at anything other than Callie. But once I was shot, he was the first thing I thought about. And it made me want to be sick."

"Why?" Wyatt asked, her voice sounding like she already knew the answer. She was no longer asking Arizona the questions for the answers herself, she was asking them so Arizona could learn the answers.

"Because I hate him. My whole life he had this control over me. Everything I did, I wondered whether it was good enough for him, and it never was. I was **never** good enough. And I thought I had moved on, I had grown up, and I didn't care about that stuff anymore. But there I was, thinking about him and wondering once more whether I was good enough. And now… I know now that he wouldn't care, that it wouldn't change anything. He would see what I did as selfish and manipulative, and maybe he was right. I just… I want to know what I need to do. I just need to know what I need to do to make him love me."

"Arizona…" Teddy spoke, her voice filled with so much sadness and sympathy that it made something in Arizona's chest feel like it was being cracked. When Arizona heard a chair move she looked to see Teddy beginning to move towards her, the blonde raising her hand and asking her to stop. She didn't want a hug right now. She didn't want to be around anyone.

"Dr Robbins, you need to find a way to let it go. You need to find a way to let go of all the resentment, hate and punishment that you've been carrying around for your dad. You need to find the acceptance somewhere else, in someone else, or deal with the pain of never getting it."

Arizona clenched her jaw so tight it ached, a snort coming from her nose. She swallowed thickly, feeling like her throat was tight. She took one last breath, wiping away her tears, before holding her head high and looking at the three women. She shrugged her shoulders weakly, shoving her hands into her lab coat pocket.

"You can't just let go of thirty years of resentment and hatred, it's not that easy. That's not how it works."

She spoke simply. She shrugged her shoulders once more, watching as Wyatt's mouth opened and closed, stumped for words for the first time since they had met. Arizona just sighed before turning, het feet barely making a step before she stopped. Her eyes came in contact with ones she knew too well. Callie. She was stood in the open doorway, a lurking presence behind Arizona the entire time she had been too crazed to realise. Arizona looked at her. She knew Callie, and more specifically, she knew her eyes well. She knew how they clouded slightly when she was sad, how they darkened when she was turned on, how they glistened when she was happy. She knew everything from Callie purely from her eyes. They were like a canvas that painted her emotions. And it was because of that reason, that Arizona could see the painted canvas of Callie eyes right in that moment and see one thing; guilt. It was hidden under a weak mixture of concern and love, but it was there. Pure, full-bodied guilt. Arizona to say so many things to her, but she couldn't. Because she wasn't angry anymore. It was washed out of her, like someone has popped a balloon, and how she was just hurt. So instead, she stepped around and Callie and walked away, ignoring her when she called her name.

/

Arizona sat on the bench in the loading bay, her white coat bundled around her but offering nothing against the cold wind that shot through the area every few seconds. The weather was unusually freezing for the time of the year, snow threatening to fall nearly every single day. It left a sharp bite in the air; the type that caught your breath when you stepped outside and burnt your fingers when you returned. But Arizona didn't care, she wasn't moving. She wanted to sit in the freezing cold and watch the snow fall until she worked out what she was feeling. Until everything in her head was back into the perfect compartments that she had made and adored. She didn't know if she felt relief, anger, or just lost. She told herself she should be relieved. This was what all of the therapy sessions has been working towards; this moment. This moment of clarity and recognition. The moment when she understood everything, when she could work towards something. But now that she knew, she didn't feel like she wanted to.

Arizona shuffled further down into the bench, her legs bouncing up and down as she tried to stay warm. She didn't know how long it had been snowing, but it was gathering on the ground and she watched as people shovelled it to the side for the ambulances. She watched them for a moment until she heard the soft sound of someone clearing their throat, Arizona looking to her side to see Callie wrapped out in a big coat, the hospital logo emblazoned on the arm. Arizona watched as Callie offered the one in the hands over, the blonde taking it and throwing it around her body as Callie perched on the bench next to her.

"Arizona…"

"Did you speak to Wyatt about my father?" Arizona finally asked, even though she knew the answer. She stared down at the ground, her feet scratching against the salt that had been spread out. She sniffed when her nose began to ran, looking to Callie when she sighed after a moment.

"Arizona, I can explain-"

"Jesus, Callie." Arizona snapped, throwing her a glare before looking away and shaking her head. She buried her hands deep into the pockets of the coat, considering walking about stopping herself. She looked to the woman next to her, sheepishly wrapping her hands up in her sleeves. "Why? Did you ever think that maybe I didn't want to speak about him to Wyatt? Or that maybe I would have spoken about him in my own time? Add that to the fact that you went behind my back to do all of this- lying to me about it."

"I didn't lie to you." Callie defended weakly, barely believing her own words.

"You withheld information from me that you knew would piss me off, it's the same thing. Why couldn't you just leave this to me? Right from the beginning you refused to trust me to handle this."

"I'm not going to apologise." Call spoke a moment later, her voice stronger this time. She pushed forward so that she was now perched on the edge of the bench, turning her body towards the blonde when she snorted a laugh.

"Well, that's nice to hear. Thanks. Good talk, Cal." Arizona spoke, beginning to push herself. She didn't care if she was storming off like a child. But she barely made it up before she felt Callie's hand wrapping around her wrist, pulling it back down firmly.

"I'm sorry for way I had to go about it, for doing it behind your back and I guess lying to you, but I'm not sorry for saying something to Wyatt."

"You didn't need-"

"I rang my dad a couple of days ago, just to check in with him. Ever since the shooting he rings me a lot more. Anyway, he asked about you. Whenever he usually asks I just tell him that you're fine and we move on, because he believes me. Usually he believes me because I'm telling the truth. But this time he didn't move the conversation on. Instead he told me about a conversation he once had with you, how you told him about how you were raised to protect the things you love and that you're a good man in a storm. Turns out you told my dad you loved me before you told me. Anyway, he was mentioning it in passing conversation and laughing at the memory, but it made me think. You dad… He's everything and nothing to you at the same time. And I thought Wyatt needed to know about him- she needed to know who you are. And what made you that way you are. So I told her. And I'm not sorry about that, Arizona. I'm not sorry for intervening somewhere I wasn't wanted, or for keeping it from you, or for peaking about something private. Because I love you. I love you and I'm not going to sit around and watch you try your hardest to act like nothing hurts you or affects you. You would never have brought him up, you know that, and nothing would ever change. So I'm sorry for hurting you by going behind your back, but at the same time I'm not. You can storm off now if you want."

Callie removed her hand that had been wrapped around Arizona's wrist, letting her go. The blonde watched at the other woman sat back on the bench, folding her arms over her chest and huffing a little, pretending she wasn't paying attention to blonde but very clearly waiting for her to walk away. Arizona couldn't stop the smile that was now puling onto her face as he watched her. Callie looked proud of herself almost. And Arizona was proud of her. Her chest felt like it was bursting with pride as she slide across the bench until she was pressed next to the brunette. Callie looked at her, the frown on her face washing away as soon as she saw the blonde's smile. Arizona didn't give her time to say anything, question anything, or do anything. She just kissed her. Softly, and then hard. She kissed her over and over. She kissed her until Callie was giggling softly, small laughs coming out between every kiss. Arizona kissed all over her face, relishing in the sound of Callie giggling in her ear. She kissed the brunette's ear as she pulled her in for a hug, wrapping her arms tightly around her.

"I'm sorry." She whispered in her ear, Callie's response only being to hug her back harder and tighter. The feeling of her arms around wrapping so tightly around her made Arizona feel safe. She had spent the entire day just wanting to go home, and now she was. She buried her face deeply into Callie's neck and let her thoughts wander. What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed so work this all out? Wyatt said she needed to let go, but she didn't know how. It was as though Callie had read her mind when she spoke into her ear once more, dragging Arizona from her thoughts and straight back home.

"We'll work it all out, together."

…..

 _Okay so I know I take stupid amount of time in between updating this, but I promise that I will finish it. It may take a while but I'll definitely get there at some point. Thank you to all of those who are still reading it, commenting on it, and enjoying it. It means everything. I'll be honest, I haven't proofread this chapter so I apologise for what I imagine to be an abundance of typos and mistakes. Thank you and enjoy!_


	16. Safe Place

Arizona shuffled the small suitcase that sat on the ground closer to her body using her foot, offering a weak smile to the couple who walked around to climb into the nearest taxi. As she watched it pull away from the curb she felt a bite of annoyance in the pit of her stomach, wishing she had just pushed Nick to allow them to get a taxi rather than him pick them up from the airport. She eyed the oncoming traffic that kept pulling into the nearby bay, people constantly hopping in and out of vehicles. Her mind kept flicking back to the beaten up, falling apart, piece of crap that Nick used to call his car back in high school. The red Chevrolet had been his sixteenth birthday and Christmas present all wrapped up into one hunk of scrap metal forming the shape of a car, Nick having drove into school the next day with so much pride. Arizona noticed that her eyes were looking for it, waiting for it to pull into the small drop-off area of the airport, before she reminded herself that the chance of Nick pulling up in that car were slim to nothing. Although he had cherished the car with his life and vowed many times to never replace it, Arizona knew that the piece-of-crap car would have died many years ago.

She sighed, dropping her head back for a moment and looking up at bright, blue sky. There wasn't a cloud in sight, but rather a musty sense in the air that told the blonde a downfall of snow would be hitting them any moment. The air was crisp, almost suffocating her lungs when she had walked out from the warm airport building. She shoved her hands deeply into her pockets, clenching her fists together to fight off the frostbite that she was sure was going to remove her fingers any second. She glanced to the side when she heard Callie letting out a shaky breath, a cloud of breath visible in front of her face. It felt strange having the other woman here with her. Arizona had been to this airport numerous times throughout her life, but not once did she consider that she would ever stand here with Callie, that she would be returning back to this place with her. She couldn't shake the sense that she made a mistake. That she shouldn't have brought the brunette with her. That the other woman didn't need to suffer through a dull weekend of packing boxes, sitting and listening to her mother attempt to fill awkward silence, or deal with what would ultimately be a temperamental Arizona. She couldn't shake the feeling that she should have done this on her own, that she shouldn't have pulled her into this. But she also couldn't change anything now. She was here. The place where Arizona grew up. And when Callie turned and noticed the blonde watching her, she smiled. And that smile was enough for Arizona's nerves to settle and her head to tell her she had done the right thing.

Arizona broke from the smile when she noticed Callie shiver, the blonde fishing into the pocket to remove her phone and dial the number of Nick, who was now over ten minutes late. The call had barely connected for a second before Arizona's attention was dragged away by a car pulling up in front of them, Nick swinging out of the door only a moment later. She hung up the phone, dropping it back into her pocket and letting her eyes glare over at the late man who was now bounding over to them like a puppy. Arizona's eyes took in the sleek, dark Honda that now replace the former Chevrolet, all of the paintwork intact on this car. She turned to see Nick throwing his arms around Callie, pulling her in for a bone-crushing hug that left Callie looking startled over his shoulder. Arizona stood there for a moment until Nick finally peeled himself off Callie, turning on his spot to beam over at the blonde.

"You're late." Arizona spoke, Nick laughing on his spot. The exact same laugh he had carried with him since he was ten years old and laughing at her for falling off her bike. Arizona felt a stir in the bottom of her stomach as the memory hit, the same stir she imagined would become familiar by the end of the weekend.

"Good morning to you too, Phoenix. You look like hell, do they not know what sleeping is in Seattle?" He spoke, stepping over and pulling her into a hug the same way he had done with Callie. Arizona hugged him briefly, before wriggling out of his grip and taking a step back. She could see Nick raking his eyes up and down her body, taking her in. She felt like squirming on the spot from how uncomfortable she felt. It wasn't like when a man checked her out in a bar and blatantly stared at her, she would have preferred that. His eyes on her felt the same way Callie's did, or Teddy's did, whenever they took in her recent dishevelled appearance.

"The red-eye is always rough, especially after a long day at work." Callie spoke from behind them, Nick eyeing Arizona for another second longer before plastering the smile back onto his face and taking a step back.

"Well, at least you're both here now. It's good to have you home." Nick spoke, his grin growing impossibly wider as he grabbed the suitcase by her feet and threw it in the back of the car. The sound of the door slamming closed made the blonde flinch slightly, her eyes having glazed over for a moment.

"This isn't my home."

"Arizona…" Callie spoke, her voice coming across weak and pleading. It didn't have a hint of annoyance, or even warning, but rather concern in it. Arizona clenched her jaw, choosing to get into the car instead of saying anything more. She told herself the quicker she did everything, the sooner she would be back at the airport and heading home. Because this _wasn't_ her home. She could hear Nick laughing when Callie opened the door and climbed into the back, Nick hopping back into the driving seat next to her. As soon as he closed his door and left them in the silence of the car Arizona felt suffocated, realising she had not only underestimated herself, but how hard this weekend was going to be. Arizona felt an awkward atmosphere settle almost immediately but when she turned to Nick he was clearing showing no sign of hurt from her comment, a laugh coming from him.

"Don't worry about it, Callie, I can handle Phoenix when she's a bit fiery. You should have seen her temper around eleven, which was _nothing_ compared to the meltdowns that really kicked in around fifteen. We went through a rough few years. One time we were-"

"Nick, please," Arizona snapped, her voice coming out harsher than she expected it to, "I didn't come here for you to stroll down memory lane, okay?"

"Then why did you come?" Nick asked over the faint sound of the radio in the background, his eyes burning into her for only a brief second before he looked back out at the road. Arizona's mouth bobbed up and down, her brain searching for an answer that she already knew wasn't there, so in the end she settled on the truth.

"Right now, I have no idea." She muttered, turning to look out of the window. She watched as snow began to trickle from the sky at a somewhat fast pace, creating a magical-like scene outside. Arizona had forgotten how impossibly cold it was here, her forehead dropping against the window to sooth the headache that was already brewing behind her eyes.

"You know, you haven't been here in ten years. _I_ personally don't care if you want to sulk around and act like a spoilt child for the whole weekend, but your mom will. It's a really big deal to her that you're back. So for her sake, can you at least pretend like this isn't torture for you? Maybe then you'll see that it actually isn't so bad here."

Arizona let her eyes fall closed, rolling her head until the centre of her forehead was pressed against the cool surface. She breathed out deeply, opening her eyes to watch as the glass steamed in front of her. She spent the rest of the drive like that, her head pressed against the cool surface as she listened to Nick and Callie chat away. They spoke about work, Nick asking about every little detail of a gruesome surgery Callie had performed earlier in the week. Nick spoke about his work of starting up a charity that helped young children with photography, hoping to expand it into more places in the upcoming years. Arizona barely listened as Callie asked him questions, keeping the conversation continually flowing. It was another moment in which Arizona was thankful for the woman sat behind her, and glad she had brought her. Callie knew that Arizona didn't want to speak in that moment, or maybe couldn't, so she was doing it for her.

Arizona's mind was a million miles away, as well as travelling at a million miles per hour. Every single thing they passed out of the window brought a new memory back to her. A restaurant that reminded her of the first date she went on. A park reminded her of the benches she sat on with a girl names Joanna, both nervously smiling at each other before they finally kissed for the first time. Random shops reminding her of places that her mom used to bring her and Tim to, both wasting their money on crap they would never use. It was like swimming through a tidal wave of memories, all making the swirling in the pit of her stomach thrash about like a tsunami. So she closed her eyes once more, focusing her attention on the sound of Callie's voice. She didn't listen to what she was saying and didn't make out a single word, but her voice helped. Feeling her heart settle back down into her chest, her pulse slow and her stomach quieten a moment later.

What felt like an eternity later, Arizona opened her eyes to see the car turning onto streets she recognised too clearly. Images of her riding her bike up and down, being chased by Nick, and playing football swarming back into her mind. She sat up straighter as the car pulled in a driveway, eventually coming to a stop. And just like that, Arizona was back in front of the same house she had walked away from ten years ago. It was exactly the same, just like she remembered. The same colour. The same door. The same dead plants in the garden. The houses around looked like they had aged, the ten years showing, but the one in front of her looked the same. She sat in the car a moment longer than she knew was normal, Callie and Nick having already hopped out. She could hear Callie and Nick talking outside once more, Callie distracting Nick from the blonde who had yet to even remove her seatbelt. Arizona felt like she frozen. Like someone had shut her body down, expect for her heart which was hammering in her chest. _It's just a building. That's all it is._ She told herself over and over. _It's just a lot of bricks put together, it doesn't mean anything._ She gulped down the lump in her throat, hoping it would help her breathe better before forcing herself to move.

"So I know I probably should have asked Arizona this sooner, but I didn't and I'm still sort of confused. She said she moved like three times a year when she was younger, so home come this house means something?"

"We did move a lot," Arizona spoke as she closed the door of the car, Callie turning from where she was stood with Nick getting their suitcases, "But we always had this house. Usually my dad wouldn't work as much in the summer and we would come here. For the last few years of high school my mom wanted me and Tim to be in a more stable place so we all stayed here while my dad went away to work. This is where I met Nick, he lived in that house just down there. After my dad retired, he and my mom just moved her permanently."

"So the last time that you were here was-"

"Was the day my dad told me to leave."

/

Arizona let out a small sigh, rolling her head to the side to the see the outline of Callie's sleeping face. She was briefly being lit by the moonlight that was streaming in the window, Arizona admiring her sleeping form. She always loved how peaceful the brunette looked whenever she slept. No matter what had happened in the day, whether it be a horrible outcome of a surgery or an exhausting shift in the hospital, Callie always slept like her worries were washed away. Arizona wanted to envy her for it, but she couldn't. Because she loved watched the way the brunette's nose would scrunch up every now and then, as though she was dreaming about something she didn't like. Arizona watched her for another few minutes before pushing herself up until she was sitting, glancing at the clock on the bedside table next to her. _03:42_. She ran her hands through her hair, tussling it about like she had been doing in the same frustrated way for the past two hours, trying to sleep.

Her eyes glanced around the room. The same room she had claimed as hers when she was a child. The walls were no longer the same purple they had been when she had left, instead having been covered with a simple white. Her belongings were no longer scattered everywhere, instead having been placed in boxes that lined the far wall. But it was still her room. It was still the same room she slept in every night when was younger. The same room she brooded in when she went through the angry period that Nick had mentioned earlier in the day. The same room she had been caught in a compromising position with a past girlfriend in. The colour of the walls may have changed, but the memories inside them hadn't. When she had walked into it earlier, having spent ten minutes reassuring her mother than she didn't need anything to eat nor drink multiple time, Arizona had felt a wave of emotion hit her. She had chewed on her lip to stop the tears, swallowing them down and instead rambling to Callie stories about the room. After an hour it had become clear that Arizona didn't care about any of the things that were left in her room. Callie had suggested little to things to keep, like work from school and toys that she had cherished at a young age, but the ten years that had passed between had left Arizona realizing she didn't want of it. She hadn't missed it then, so she didn't need it now.

They had spent the rest of the day downstairs, wrapping various items and shoving them into boxes. Arizona did her best to just wrap as quickly as possible rather than sit and get nostalgic over every single item the way her mother and Nick were. She could hear them giggling about stories, trying to include her at first before eventually realising the blonde didn't want to be included. When they stopped for a lunch break Arizona had suffered through an uncomfortable few minutes of Nick quizzing her about the shooting. Firing questions at her and Callie. _Do you remember it all? Did it hurt? Can I see your scar?_ Arizona was thankful that Callie cut through most of the time and answered for her, the blonde just sat at the table staring at the sandwich her mother had made her. The contact between them had been minimal. Both of them polite enough with each other, but Arizona never letting herself be alone with the older woman long enough for the conversation to move past the polite formalities. She had brushed past the woman's apologies for having not visited after the shooting, Arizona reassuring her that she hadn't needed to. The day had passed fairly quickly and before she knew it, she and Callie were climbing into the bed she had claimed as a child.

Arizona rubbed at her burning eyes that yearned for sleep, but she was almost certain that wasn't going to be granted that. She swung her legs until she was climbing out of bed, her feet padding out of the room as quietly as she could. As she made her way downstairs she eyed the boxes that were stacked into the corner of the room, the progression they had made today giving her hope that the weekend would go by quick enough. Arizona stopped at one of the boxes, filled with photo frames, that hadn't been taped up yet. She peered in, seeing a photo of her and Tim. It was taken the day he left for Army Rangers. Her brother's strong arm wrapped around her shoulder and pulling her in as she placed a wet, sloppy kiss to her forehead. Arizona felt a stab in her chest. Sometimes she missed him more than anything else in the whole world. She swallowed thickly, closing the flaps over on the box and sighing as she headed towards the kitchen for a glass of water. She felt her feet stop as soon as she entered the kitchen, a small lamp illuminating the far end to display her mother sat at the table, scanning books that were spread out on the surface.

"I'm sorry, I didn't wake you did I?" The older woman asked, startled from seeing the blonde and clearly nervous. Arizona felt her heart beginning to hammer in her chest. She wanted to turn around and just head back to bed, but even she knew that was too cold, instead choosing to continue with what she had been planning.

"No, it's fine. I just couldn't sleep." She spoke as she shook her head. She opened a cupboard, happy to see she still remembered her way around the kitchen, before grabbing a glass and filling it with water. She stood leaning against the kitchen counter for a moment, a clear distance between her and her mother. She stood there for a moment longer before she felt her feet moving over to the woman, the blonde perching herself down on one of the chairs at the table. Her eyes took in the multiple photo albums that were scattered on the table, before landing on the one that was open in front of the woman.

"I found these earlier in the bottom of a drawer. Do you remember this trip?" Her mother asked, turning the album slightly as Arizona cocked her head to look at the picture. She felt her mouth tugging up into a small smile, the blonde nodding her head a second later.

"How could I forget? Tim threw up _everywhere_ on the drive. I don't think he left an inch of the car untouched with sick. It destroyed my favourite blanket."

"You spent the remainder of the drive, two hours if I remember correctly, crying about that fact." Her mother laughed, Arizona's chuckle following a second later. She set her glass down on the table to stretch over and turn the album slightly further, her eyes scanning the photos of their family trip to Niagara Falls when she was nine.

"Yeah, well, you would cry for two hours as well if your brother vomited all over your most prized possession." Arizona joked, her mother laughing once more. Arizona watched her for a moment. She looked older than she remembered her, but that was to be expected. She looked slightly more haggard than she had done when she was in Seattle for her dad's treatment, but again that was to be expected. Her husband had died. Arizona looked back down to the albums, opening the one in front of her to a random page and taking in the images. Her brother on a quadbike when he was about fourteen. Her mom and dad at a friend's wedding. Herself and a group of friends that she couldn't remember at a birthday party she had no idea who for. Arizona flicked through the pages mindlessly, barely registering the photos and what was going on until her mom's voice cracked through the kitchen once more.

"It wasn't all bad, was it?"

"What wasn't?" Arizona asked, but she knew what her mom meant. The sadness that had dripped from the question had made Arizona's stomach lurch, her heart clench and her throat tighten. Arizona stared at the photo albums on the table but when her mom didn't continue straight away she realised the older woman was waiting for her to look at her. She forced her eyes up, regretting it when she took in the watery complexion of her mother's.

"Your childhood. Being here, in this house. You have some good memories, don't you?"

"Of course I do, it's just…" Arizona's voice trailed off, her shoulders offering the weakest of shrugs. She hadn't wanted to finish her sentence in fear of hurting her mother for no reason, but her mom finished it for her a moment later.

"It's just there's more bad ones that good ones."

"It's not that there's more… They just stick in your head a bit harder."

Arizona watched as her mom nodded her head in understanding, blinking a little harder to clear the tears. The blonde offered a small smile before looking down at the photos, not able to watch the older woman anymore. She had an overwhelming crushing sense of guilt in her chest and she hated it. She had only been honest. She had only said something that her mother already knew, but she still felt horrible watching the older woman's eyes fill with tears. Arizona turned the pages of the album slowly, eyeing each photo. A family trip to Disney World. She remembered how her and Tim had eaten an excessive amount of ice cream until they had both nearly been sick. But as soon as they memory filled her head, two more did. She remembered how her dad had shouted at her on the journey there, the blonde having forced them to stop for a toilet break when her dad didn't want to. Followed by a memory of how her dad picked Tim up to be able to see clearer when the parade went by, Arizona stuck by his knees missing the whole things and wishing they would just go home. Arizona swallowed thickly, clenching her jaw and turning the page quickly. She didn't know how long had passed, but when her mom spoke once more it made her flinch in surprise.

"I'm so sorry, Arizona."

"For what?" Arizona asked, looking up from the album and feeling her stomach drop when she noticed her mother with even glassier eyes than before. A tear already threatening to fall down her cheek.

"For everything. For not speaking up for you when you couldn't. For not defending you when you were too scared to defend yourself. For not being there when you needed me. I just _sat_ here," her mother spoke, her voice coming out angry, but the anger clearly aimed at herself, "I sat right here in this spot and let him tell you to leave, and I knew you needed me. I could see your eyes looking over at me, begging me to say something. You needed me. If I had just said something- just spoken to him- maybe all of this might have been different. Maybe I wouldn't have lost you for so long. If I had just been a better mother, maybe I could have…"

Arizona felt her whole body clench as her mother's words trailed off and were replaced with a sob. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what do. So much time had passed between them. She knew the woman sat in front of her was her mom, and she loved her because of that, but she also knew that she didn't know her anymore. And more importantly, her mother didn't know her anymore. Ten whole years had passed without either of them passing any form of important information for each other. Ten whole years without a story being told, a laugh being shared, or a meaningful conversation taking place. So now Arizona felt like a deer caught in headlights. Because she didn't know what to do. An uncomfortable barrier had been placed between them, and sure she was the one who had placed it, but it stopped her from stretching over and taking the older woman's hand. Instead she sat there, squirming in her seat, and struggling to find words.

"Mom, please don't…"

"No, I need to say this," her mother spoke, lifting her hand to quieten the blonde who was sat rigid in her seat, "I've been quiet for too long. This isn't just about him telling you to leave, it started long before that. You think I didn't see the way he treated you? That I didn't notice how loving he was to Tim and how brutally cold he was to you. I saw it all, but I never said anything. I told myself that's just the way he was. I told myself that his father was the same and since his sister grew up to be fine, that you would be too. I told myself that you had me loving you, so you didn't need his love. But I was wrong. Not only was I wrong that you clearly needing his love, but I was wrong about you having my love. How could I say I loved you if I let you be treated like that? I never said anything. I never spoke to him about it. I never asked him why he was so careless when it came to your heart. And not only will I always hold that against him, but I'll never forgive myself. You needed a mom. You needed me when you were six and you needed me even more when I sat here and let him tell you to leave this house. You needed me when we both left you, parentless and alone. I've missed so many years of your life and it's inexcusable. So I'm not asking for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve it. I would never ask that of you. I'm just asking if you could maybe find it in your heart to give me another chance, to let me be your mom once more. Tim is gone and I can't fix that. You dad is gone, and I can't fix that. But you, my sweet, intelligent, gentle and beautiful daughter, you're still here. I can fix this, but only if you'll give me a chance. I just… I just want to be your mom again."

Arizona didn't know that her eyes had filled with tears until she felt one fall down her cheek, the blonde swiping it away immediately before sighing when she realised it was pointless. More were going to fall, there was no hiding it. She watched as her mom pulled a tissue from her pocket and began to dab at her own tears, the blonde clenching her jaw for a moment and looking away. She looked to the far end of the kitchen, at nothing in particular, but just away. She needed a moment. She needed to get her head into order, to sort out the wave of thoughts that were now flooding her brain. She hadn't realised it when her mom had said it, and she had realised it for the past ten years, but that's all she wanted. What her mom had just said, was _all_ she wanted. She hadn't realised it would be so simple. She thought that her heart would have wanted more. Would have wanted her parents to grovel. To apologise over and over, to beg for her forgiveness for the years, but it didn't. All her heart wanted was one simple apology. Was one simply admittance. It just wanted to be loved back. So when Arizona turned back to her mom, her eyes glazed over with not just teas but fear of rejection, the blonde smiled and reached over to take her hand that was resting on the table.

"One time I was playing in the garden with Tim. Dad was sat reading a book, barely watching us really, but he looked up just in time to see me fall and scrape my knee. It started to bleed and it was stinging really bad. I remember looking over to him, expecting something. I didn't know then what I was expecting, but I now I know that I was expecting him to do what dad's do. I wanted him to come and pick me up, to put a plaster on my knee and tell me that the pain would go away soon. But instead he looked back down at his book and carried on reading. I started to cry, I don't know whether from the pain or disappointment, but I knew I shouldn't cry in front of him so I came in here. You were stood right there at the sink, turning away from the window where you had clearly just seen what happened. I started to wipe away my tears, hiding them, but you stopped me. You picked me up and set me on the counter right there, grabbed the first aid kit and started to clean my knee. Do you remember what you told me?"

"No." Arizona's mother spoke honestly, her face slightly puzzled but her tears having stopped due to her intrigue in the story. Arizona knew her mom wouldn't remember the story she was telling, it had just been another day to her. But to Arizona, it was one of the biggest days of her life.

"You told me that it was okay to cry, that I didn't need to hide it from you. That no matter how little or big the thing it, if I wanted to cry over it, I could. That I should feel whatever I want to feel. And that I should never stop myself from feeling something on the basis of someone else. It was the first time I realised that he didn't have control over _everything_. He could shout at me, ignore me and hate me all he wanted, but he didn't _control_ me. I could think what I wanted, I could feel what I wanted, and I could do what I wanted. Maybe I didn't know then that what you were saying would change everything but on the day that he told me to leave I wasn't looking at you to help me. I was looking at you because I was remembering what you told me in the kitchen. I was doing what I wanted to do, because you told me I could. You weren't perfect, mom, but who is? I don't blame you for the way he treated me. I don't blame you for what happened. You were my mom when you put the plaster on my knee that day, you were my mom when I walked out of that door, and you're still my mom now. Always have been, always will be."

Arizona felt a wave of emotion run through her whole body when she heard the sob leave her mom's mouth. As she watched the older woman hunch over and cry softly a wave of relief washed through the blonde. She felt like someone was lifting bricks off her chest, one by one. She clenched her jaw to fight against the tears that were climbing her throat, her hand squeezing her mother's slightly and gaining her attention. She lifted her head, wiped at her tears before standing up and pulling Arizona in for the tightest hug she had felt in a long time. As soon as her mom's arms wrapped around her body she felt like she was a child again, the tears that she had been fighting springing to her eyes with a millisecond.

"Thank you." Her mother spoke, Arizona letting out a small laugh that sounded strangled against her tears. She buried her face into her mom's shoulder, wrapping her arms tighter around the woman as though she was squeezing ten years' worth of hugs into one.

"Thank you for trying."

/

Arizona heard her feet crunching against the snow as she walked, her eyes glancing over to the large lake that spread out in front of her. She noticed the water beginning to freeze around the edges, making its way towards the centre which still remained untouched from the brutal cold. She buried her hands deep into her pockets as she carried on walking, each breath that left her mouth creating a cloud in front of her face. She could feel her eyes searching for a bench that she knew all too well. It only took another few paces up the small slope before her eyes landed on the wooden bench that looked out over the lake, her feet stopping in front of it as she brushed away from of the snow that blocked the metal plaque. She read her brother's name that was engraved on it, sighing softly before glancing to the bench that sat next to it. She hadn't seen it before, the bench having been a recent addition and showing no signs of being weathered down, unlike her brother's. Her feet moved over to it, her eyes immediately noticing her father's name on the clear plaque. _A loving husband, brother and father._ Arizona's hand flicked the snow off the surface, the blonde perching herself on the edge and feeling the damp soak into her jeans. She didn't care though. She sat and looked out over the lake. The same lake where her father's ashes had been spread months ago without her being there. She looked around the secluded area, tall green trees circling the lake, making it feel like she was hidden in a small cove of a forest.

She sighed weakly, fidgeting her hands in her pockets and swallowing thickly. Her throat felt like it was tight, as though it was trying to tell her not to do what she had planned. She had come here for a reason. And maybe it was crazy, and maybe it would make her look crazy, but she needed to do it.

"Hi, dad." She spoke after a moment, her voice coming out almost strained. The words so foreign on her lips. Distant almost. She didn't know the last time she had spoken them, a shiver running down her spine that she knew wasn't from the cold. _This is stupid. You look like an idiot. Just go._ Her legs clenched, her body stopping her from doing what her brain wanted to do. Which was leave. Her brain wanted her to get up and run away, but her feet were sitting heavily on the ground. She was doing this. Wyatt's words were echoing in her head. _You need to find a way to let go. You need to find acceptance._ And this was the only thing her brain had managed to drag up having spent hours thinking how she was going to find this so-called perfect acceptance. She gulped in another breath of air, exhaling it and watching as her breath showed in a large cloud.

"You loved this lake. You spent so many weekends out here in your boat, just you and your fishing rod. I didn't understand it when I was younger. I thought it would be boring to just sit here and wait for something to bite. I get it now, it's peaceful, I just didn't then. But you loved it so I wanted to care. Do you remember the time you let me come with you? God, I was _so_ excited. You told me to go to bed because I needed to get up early and come fishing with you. I don't think I slept. I bugged Tim for the whole night, asking everything he knew about fishing. I wanted to be good at it. I wanted to impress you because it was the first time you had asked me to go with you instead of Tim. And then I caught a fish. I felt the rod tug in my hands and I looked at you because I was scared, I didn't know what to do. Tim had never caught a fish when he came with you, he hadn't taught me that part. So I looked to you for help, something I hated doing because it showed weakness. Another thing you taught me, never show weakness. You gave me this smile I had seen before but had never been on the receiving end of. I felt my chest burst with pride. You caught the fish for me and took it off the hook, turned and handed it to me. I remember looking at you, then the fish flapping around in your hands, then back at you. I didn't want to touch it. But you were smiling at me, so I took it and struggled with it in my hands for a second. Then you stretched behind you and grabbed a knife and told me to slice its gills. To kill it. I didn't want to and sat and looked at you for what felt like forever, watching as the smile slowly faded from your face and was replaced the cold look I felt like you always reserved for me. When I threw the fish back into the water I was full prepared for a lecture, or a rant, or even for you to shout at me… But you didn't. Instead you said you were disappointed in me. And I, think in that moment, it was the first time I realised I was disappointed in you too."

Arizona stopped, her eyes having glazed over at some point whilst she was speaking. She blinked them quickly, catching her tears that fell. She wiped them before they had a chance to make it down her cheek. She lifted her head and looked up to the sky when she realised it was beginning to snow again, small flecks falling against her face before she dropped it and looked over to the bench that sat next to the one she was on. She remembered the day it was placed there so clearly. It had been a month since she had stood in the airplane hangar and watched as they unloaded her brother. She remembered the small gathering that had formed as the bench was placed, people leaving flowers and forming a small funeral service. All she could remember clearly from that day was the pain in her chest, wondering whether it would ever leave. Over ten years later she had gotten her answer; no. The pain had never left, but it had simmered. For years it had been a searing, unbreathable burn in the centre. Then a few years after that it had been a dull ache that buzzed underneath everything else. But now? Now it was a heat. A low heat the ticked away in her chest, alongside everything else. It hurt, but she was thankful for the pain now. She was thankful for the constant reminder of her brother. And at some point over the years she had convinced herself that the pain was her brother being constantly with her, always there.

She sighed softly, looking back out at the lake that contained her dad's ashes. She didn't have that with her dad. She had never had an immediate pain in her chest, and she certainly didn't have a heat now. All she had was an ache. A heavy ache on her shoulders that made her feel like she was being dragged down. So as she sighed and looked at the lake, she promised herself that she would walk away today without the ache. When she spoke once more, her voice laced in tears, she felt the ache subsiding with each word.

"You were a bad dad. You made me feel like I was never good enough, like nothing I would ever achieve in my life would mean anything. You favoured Tim over me, so clearly, simply because he was the boy you dreamed of having. You made me scared to be myself, and by doing so you made me confused about who I really as. You didn't _care_. And because of all those things, you were a bad dad. You were a bad father, but you were a _good_ man. You taught me to be strong, courageous and brave. You taught me to stand up for myself, and for others, and how to make myself heard. I don't know, maybe I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for that. You taught me how to be a good man in a storm and for that I thank you. But I don't thank you for being my dad. I wish you weren't. I wish that I didn't know you. I have an amazing woman in my life, who I love so deeply, and one day I'm going to have children with her. I will never make them feel like they're not worthy. I'll never make them feel like they need to earn my love because I'll love them unconditionally. I'll need them just as much as they need me. I'll help them believe in themselves rather than forcing them to because no else will. I'll be everything you weren't. You maybe have been a good man and incredible colonel, but you were supposed to be my dad. That was your job as well. And you were a bad dad. I will _never_ make my children feel the same way you made me feel."

Arizona rubbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper, unable to stop the tears that were pouring from her eyes as though she had opened a tidal wave that had been tucked away purely for this occasion. Her whole body was shaking from the wave of emotions that was coursing through it. Occasional sobs would leave her lips, the blonde letting herself cry. She didn't want to stop herself anymore. She was tired of stopping herself from feeling things. So she cried. She didn't know how long for, but when she finally wiped away the last tears and pushed herself up from the bench, she felt like someone had set her free. The ache in her shoulders was gone. The pain in her head was gone. When she looked at the lake, she didn't feel the familiar hint of anger in the pit of her stomach.

"I'm done. I'm done trying to show you who I am. I'm done trying to be something for you. I'm done trying to prove myself to you. I don't need to anymore."

And with that she walked away, having never felt so proud of herself in all her life.

/

Arizona took the last bar of the ladder before stepping into the tree house that stood in her backyard. She shuffled into the middle of the wooden box, dropping down to sit. She drew her legs up near her and looked around the small area. She hadn't been up in the tree house in so long, her childhood rushing back into her head so fast. She loved this place. She lived in this place. She remembered being in here more than she was in her room. This was her place. Sure, Tim and Nick had spent time in it too, but they didn't love it like she had. She had an affinity to it.

She looked over to the wooden chest that sat in the corner, shuffling over to it before cracking it open and smiling at the sight inside. She eyed the few toys that she kept in there, her favourites from when she was younger. She poked through, pushing things aside as she dug. She lifted the two red capes that she and Tim used to wear when they were pretending they were superheroes. She moved the baseball that she had told herself was lucky and had carried in her bag with her to school whenever she had a test. She lifted the photo album that was tucked in the bottom. It wasn't like the albums that she and her mom had looked through last night. These photos had all been taken by her and Tim, collecting together to show random things that were pointless yet kids felt needed to be photographed. Images of her, Tim and Nick from when they were young and just playing appearing in front of her. She set the album back inside, closing the chest and looking around the house.

She noticed the carvings into the wood just by the hole she had crawled through to get inside. Her fingers ran over the two names that littered the wood. Her and Tim's, the date by the side. They had carved them in when she was nine years old. Arizona could only faintly remember the day they had done it, but she could clearly remember the last time she had ran her fingers over the carving. She had needed something from the carving that day, as well as something from the tree house. She had always come to the tree house whenever she needed something, and it had always given it to her.

The blonde didn't know how long she sat there, or why she was sitting there. She felt like she was waiting for something. For a feeling to come to her. But it never did. She was waiting for the tree house to give her the same feeling it had done when she was younger. She was waiting for it to make her feel better, to make her forget about everything. The longer she sat there, the more she waited for the feeling, she realised something else. A wave washed over her, her body moving before she couldn't even register what it was that she was feeling. Her feet scrambled out of the tree house, down the ladder, and across the grass until she was swinging into the kitchen and taking her mom and Nick by surprise.

"Reminiscing about the good old days in the tree house?" Nick asked after a moment, lifting a stack of plates from the cupboard and passing them to her mom who was wrapping and packing them. Arizona's eyes scanned for Callie, her ears hearing the sound of banging upstairs a moment later which clarified where the other woman was. She looked back to Nick and her mom, a wide grin spreading on her face.

"I need your help with something. Both of you, actually."

/

Arizona hadn't been expecting to feel like this. She remembered when she was younger, in high school, she had sat with a group of friends and they had spoken about this moment. They had all imagined how it would be, what would be said and most importantly; how they would feel. Arizona remembered the conversation so clearly right now; not because she was feeling the same feelings she had thought she would when she was just fifteen, but because she was feeling the complete opposite. Her stomach wasn't swirling like there was an ocean of nerves in there. Her heart wasn't hammering with fear, or nerves, or apprehension. Instead it was beating with strength and happiness. Her head wasn't clouded with fear or misjudgement. Not once did she consider stopping, or changing something. This wasn't how she had been expecting to feel, but it's how it was. She was sure. More than anything she had ever felt in her life, she was _sure_.

So when she heard Callie and Nick's voices coming around the corner of the house and entering the back garden, she didn't panic. She didn't want to run. She didn't want to be sick with nerves. All she wanted to do was smile. So she did. As soon as she saw the brunette, who was oblivious to the scene and hadn't looked up yet, she grinned. She grinned the entire time she watched Nick nod his head in her direction, Callie's eyes now looking over. She grinned the entire time she watched as Callie's mouth fell, her eyes widen, her feet stop. She grinned the entire she watched the widened eyes take in the scene. The candles that were buried into the snow and creating a pathway over to the blonde. The white fairy lights that hung from the trees and the house. She grinned widely as Callie's eyes took it all in before finally falling on her, the blonde feeling her heart skip a beat for the first time.

"Thanks, Nick." Arizona spoke from where she was stood. She heard Nick laugh softly as Callie's reaction, his eyes taking in the garden as well and admiring the handiwork of Arizona and her mom during the afternoon he had spent distracting Callie.

"Always a pleasure, I'm glad you've finally pulled your head out of your ass and realised Callie is the best thing-"

"Not the time nor the place, Nick." Arizona laughed quickly, the man stood next to Callie clamping his mouth closed and chuckling slightly afterwards. He held his hands up as he began to back away, squeezing Callie's shoulder quickly before he disappeared into the house. Arizona was certain that he would be joining her mother somewhere to peak out of a window and watch the scene unfold, the blonde ignoring that fact and instead focusing everything on Callie. The brunette was still stood in the same spot with the same look of confusion and bewilderment on her face. Arizona wanted to stand there and watch her forever, but the bubbling in the pit of stomach also reminded her that she wanted to something else more.

"Arizona, what's going on?" Callie asked, her eyes scanning the romantic scene between them once more. Arizona just offered her a cheeky, toothy grin once more before stretching her hand out and offering it to the brunette, asking her to come over. She watched as Callie walked through the pathway that was created by candles, her feet crunching on the snow underneath until her hand was firmly in the blondes. Her hands were freezing but Arizona was thankful that they weren't hidden underneath gloves, her heart clenching as soon as their fingers touched. The brunette's eyes were looking at the blonde longing and questioningly, but Arizona simply tugged her hand until she was leading her up the ladder and into the tree house. She heard the small gasp that left the brunette when she entered the small space that was flooded once more with fairy lights and rose petals, Arizona shuffling until she was sat down on the blanket she had placed there, tugging Callie to sit down across from her.

It was only then, when Arizona looked across from her and saw the lights reflecting in Callie's dark, mesmerising eyes, that Arizona felt the first pang of nerves. She couldn't shake the smile from her face, Callie smiling back every time she clocked it before looking nervously around them. Arizona licked her dry lips, swallowing slowly before speaking. Her voice was shaking. Her body showing her that she was more nervous than she realised.

"When I was younger I used to hide up here. Whenever I fought with Tim, or when my mom and dad would be fighting, or when Tim and Nick used to chase me around because they were boys and I wasn't. I would always come right here, to this spot. Here was my safe place. Even on the day I left for college I climbed up here to settle the nerves about leaving home."

Arizona stopped because she needed a moment. Her head had gone fuzzy at the sight of Callie's full attention on her. The sight of her dark eyes burning into her, listening to intently like she always did. The blonde wanted to kiss her. She wanted to take her lips and press them against her own for as long as she could, but she had a task at hand so instead she took the brunette's hand into her own and laced their fingers together.

"The last time I was up here I was in a horrible black dress, crying over my brother. Because up here was safe. And I thought coming up here today would me everything better. It would make me forget about everything that's happened the past year. But I sat here yesterday and the realisation hit me like a wall; this _isn't_ my safe place anymore. This wooden tree house wasn't going to make me forget about everything that's happened and put my back together again, because the work had already been done."

Arizona shrugged her shoulders softly and looked down to their hands. When she blinked she felt a tear roll down her cheek that she hadn't expected to fall, but wasn't going to argue against. She looked back up to Callie, smiling softly at her glistening eyes and feeling the words tumble from her mouth and heart.

"You're my safe place now, Callie. When I'm scared, I run to you. When I'm lonely, I look for you. When I'm angry, I want you. Because you make me feel better- you make me feel weightless. But more than anything, you make me feel understood. I had hoped that this tree house would make me forget, but that's naïve and stupid of me. We can't just forget about everything that's happened. And I'm okay with that, because I don't mind having to remember it all if I'm remembering it with you. When I'm with you I feel the same invincibility that I felt when I was seven years old and sitting up here asking the tree house to give me the strength to beat Nick in a football game. You make me feel like I can do anything, try anything, and be anything I want to be. So I know what I want now. I want to be your wife. A week after we got back together I told you that I would wake up next to you every day for as you wanted me. I swallowed down the words _marry me_ than because I was too scared that it was the wrong time and the wrong place, but I'm with my safe place right now so I'm not scared. So I'm saying marry me, Calliope. Be my wife. Promise to be my safe place for the rest of my life. And I promise to try my very best every single day to be yours too."

Arizona let go of Callie's hand to dive into her pocket, lifting out the small ring and holding it in her hand. She eyed it for a moment. She had bought it the day after she had promise to wake up next to the other woman every morning, carrying it around in the bottom of her purse ever since. She moved the ring until she was holding in between her finger and thumb, looking over to Callie whose watery eyes were frantically looking between the ring and the blonde. Arizona couldn't stop the dopey smile that was appearing on her face.

"Calliope, will you marry me?"

"Yes." Callie answered almost immediately, her eyes now firmly burning into the blonde's. Arizona hadn't realised that she had been feeling until a wave of relief washed all through, making her almost breathless when she spoke.

"Yes?"

"Yes. Of course, yes. A million times, yes."


End file.
